Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

Do you have any friends nearby that you can go and see?

You have been so brave. Please don't let your parents hurt you further. It's them and not you.

Thanks for the kind words. I feel it’s the only support I have

You are not alone. We may be strangers on the internet but we can listen.

Thank you, it has been helpful. I’m just feeling very isolated IRL right now, and scared for the future

Sadly I expected this kind of thing. I know you trusted the GPs to support you, and can only hope they come to see that this isn't the way to do it. You might also want - with your counsellor's help - to prepare yourself for them to increase the pressure

The lying, minimising and wickedness from your "parents" is also unsurprising in light of their past choices. Do you feel able to ignore this text, just as you did the last one?

You will get through this. You are a strong woman.

Hi puzzled - thanks for keeping coming back

I know others warned me of this, I just wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen. It did. My faith was (yet again) misplaced.

I don’t feel I can engage in the dialogue by replying right now. Part of me wants to and set a few things straight, and so I know that it’s not me. The other part of me is terrified (dreamt of it last night, too).

Counsellor not until thu.

Don't feel isolated.. get on the local Mumsnet page or on a local FB page or even a meet up app.
Plenty of people out there to make you feel less isolated. :)!

OP, please don’t be hard on yourself. Please make sure you have blocked their phone number. I don’t know why your parents (mother) is like this; but I do know that it is not your fault. Honestly, the things she is saying are mad. If you can possibly get out of the space, so you don’t have to listen to it any more, things will improve. All the best to you, stay strong.

You don’t stand alone. You stand in the right.

There are so many people on here who are behind you. I promise it will get better, but you do need to get out there and meet people who deserve to be in your life. And block these toxic fuckwits - they aren’t worth even thinking about x

The message was my father. I had the ‘are you alive’ from my mother one week ago

Block them both and be done with it. Your “parents” are not worthy of the title.

I don’t feel I can engage in the dialogue by replying right now

Once again I think you're very wise; nor does there appear any point in trying to "set things straight" when you know there's no chance at all of them accepting what you say - even worse, it would provide an "in" for them to hurt you still more

The feeling of being alone and frightened is also utterly natural, but arises from the longstanding evil they've done to you (and I don't use that word lightly). Nobody imagines that recovering and finding your "new normal" will be a quick process, but the important thing is that you've started on it

In terms of the time this has been happening it's the blink of an eye until you see the counsellor again - unless you feel it would be worth calling for an earlier slot? - and hopefully they'll help you to reach a position where these approaches seem a wobble rather than anything you have to worry about

www.standalone.org.uk
They are an excellent group started by Becca Bland.

Oh little, I'm so sorry this has happened.

Wrt to your GPs, this is a fault in their judgement and NOT yours. People stuck in situations like this will often try to fix things, as that's what families do. It really is something that benefits them rather than the wider family, though they'd never admit that even to themselves. It also comes from a lack of understanding that not everyone is decent, even to their own families.

I would block your dps and in future, if you do speak with your GPs thank them for their advice but tell them that it isn't going to work for you.

You are strong even if you don't feel it right now. There will be bumps as well as massive cliffs in the road ahead, do what you need to to make you feel OK and sod everyone else.

I think a lot of people are like your uncle, Littlemissdemeanour. He probably doesn't actually want to hurt you but is hurting you because he doesn't want to be involved. Essentially he just CBA.

It's disappointing. It's infuriating. But I don't expect there's any malice in it. Perhaps you could message him saying fair enough, but he needs to accept you won't be attending any event at which your DPs will be present. He can't refuse to acknowledge that.

Is your aunt likely to have her own take on this or does what he says go?

The business with your godparents and Skype is downright weird. Sounds like they were enjoying the drama. Are you quite certain they aren't secretly in close touch with your DPs? Could it be a church thing? I have seen fellow congregants behave in a way they would condemn in others, which they justified by saying it was for such good motives.

littlemiss be strong, you are treading the right path but it will be hard.

You aren’t alone. You have friends, and friends you haven’t met yet.
You have people here who are where you are, and who have been where you are and come out of the other side.

I suspect if you can do the same there is a much happier life waiting for you.

In answer to your parents, yes it should continue and will as it’s making you stronger. (But don’t actually answer them).

The flying monkeys will increase soon. Maybe you could get a second number but keep the old (transfer it to a PAYG) that way you aren’t blocking until you are ready, but you would have to make a conscious effort to check their communications rather than it hit you and spoil something you might be doing?

I’m concerned about your godparents. Sounds like they are enjoying what they see as drama.

You are doing so, so well. Keep your head high and remember - this is not you. This is them. Noonem should have to take what you have suffered.

Xx

I completely understand your decision not to progress with the police at the moment. I was harmed irretrievably by a medical mistake and chose not to peruse it through the courts as I knew that it would continually pull my focus into the narrative of being hurt, being a victim. I just wanted to move forward into the new day and forge my own new (albeit painful) path. It sounds like you are feeling similarly and I have to tell you, I am 12 months down the line and have no regrets.

And yes, I agree with PPs that blocking them may well be sensible

I know you felt you weren't ready for this before, but have the latest events made any difference?

Thank you all. My GP’s just kept saying they didn’t know how to approach this; making excuse after excuse. I realise it’s gone so far down the road they won’t now, and their actions are supportive of parents- and not me.

I judge people by their actions.

My uncle may have intended no malice but I’m hurt as he said it, and as my GM said she’d let him know and I was to call him. According to him he told her he had no part in it - hence the harsh text.

I feel very hungout to dry.

Thanks for the standalone website - trying to access on mobile, but it’s not allowing me to click on any subsections!

The latest events have hurt every bit as much. Just reconfirmed how alone I am, and that there’s a very good reason I don’t trust people.

You are alone from this specific subset of people - which is good because it sounds as though you are nothing like them, and wouldn’t want to be.

But the family you find, and make yourself - your friends, a partner, potentially kids one day - that doesn’t have to be like this. And I promise once you have broken free from your family, it will be so much easier and things will be clearer about how you should be treated. Which will make it easier in turn to find deserving people to share your life with. Quality not quantity.

Have you looked at the freedom programme at all? It could really help.

Beautifully put, slithytove. Also, this current feeling of being alone is precisely what these ghastly people have deliberately created, because it suits them to isolate their victim from proper support

But that support, along with decent friends and honest people really is out there, OP, and I know you'll find it when this awful period is consigned to the past where it belongs

Which reminds me ... is your lovely friend who came round before around at the moment to support you?

Sometimes the only choice we have is not the good choice (as here there are none!) but the least bad choice.
Being the child of narcissistic parents is definitely drawing the short straw.
I get your feeings about your uncle and GPs - you wanted them to be horrified on your behalf at your parents extreme behaviour and call them out on it. Stand by you. Hear you. Validate you.
Sadly in real life, with dysfunctional families this rarely happens. Easier to look the other way and let you carry the flack.
It's really hard for you but you are not alone.
This type of abuse is getting more and more recognition so much so that it is discussed on the radio, in articles in newspapers etc and organisations are springing up to help those affected. Leaving your FOO often means leaving the whole family so outside support is vital.
Another excellent organisation is "The Echo Society"