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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
MsForestier · 28/09/2018 09:10

missdemeanour I'm so sorry you've been going through this. Sometimes with family you have to put in strong boundaries and more often than not those who are dysfunctional react against this. Keep going. I'm full of admiration for your composure.

Littlemissdemeanour · 28/09/2018 09:20

Hi. I’m feeling ok actually, the more time goes on, it’s just the new norm. The thing that is troubling me is the fact my GP’s keep saying they don’t know how to deal with this, and haven’t said anything To parents and continuing as normal. Like I know what to do lol.

First counselling session today ...

OP posts:
MsForestier · 28/09/2018 10:09

I think that's quite common for those in the wider circle. Mind you my aunt just told me to put up with my parents' behaviour 'because they're old' - advice I didn't take!

I hope the counselling session is useful Flowers

Hissy · 28/09/2018 10:37

Well done.

Your GP don't need to 'deal with this'

This is similar to how my Aunt is re my mother. She hears what I say, but it's not affected her relationship with her sister as far as I can tell. Fair enough. My sister too, she tells me how 'devastated' my mother apparently is that we are not in her life... not enough to face up to what she did to us, but hey ho...

I know this is early days to kind of to be expected from them, it's a shock - it IS an awful thing to happen, but this is NOT their issue and they don't have to do anything if they don't want to. Obviously, you don't want your business going back to your parents, you don't want to be discussed or be an issue they need to resolve. You are an adult and can choose to accept or reject certain treatment in your life.

All you want from the Godparents is their understanding and continued presence in your life.

All the very best of luck for counselling, expect it to be emotional, and understand that it has to be for you to get this stuff out there and the healing process started.

(((Hug)))

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 28/09/2018 10:58

Good luck today op, you are truly outstanding.
I have been nc with dps most of my adult life, it does get easier. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the dps you wish you had.
Then let them go.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/09/2018 11:04

Wise advice from Hissy there. Whatever the GPs may feel about "how to deal with it", the good news surely is that they're not yet raking over this with your "parents"

Hopefully, by the time they realise this is indeed permanent, you'll have had a lot of help from the counsellor in moving forward

And the very best of luck for your first meeting with them today Smile

RainbowsArePretty · 28/09/2018 15:50

Hope today went well

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 28/09/2018 19:02

Hi hope your ok(ish) so sorry to hear about what a terrible time you have had. I totally get why you wouldn't want to go to court, but moving forward have you considered a restraining (barring order)? Just an idea thats all. This would prevent your parents turning up at your place (i know they live a fair distance away) it would also make a clear statement about the kind of contact if any you have with them! eg no text messages, not turning up at the same family events etc etc. I believe you can ask for what you believe fit to be in the order. I think you can get one out through the police or take out a civil restraining order, which has a lower threshold. Of course this may not be what you want but just thought i would suggest it.

You sound very strong and as if you have your head screwed on. Remember that this behaviour would not be excepted between man and wife/ partners etc etc, so still isnt ok because its your parents. Its still domestic abuse. xx

Littlemissdemeanour · 29/09/2018 09:42

Thanks for messages all Flowers

The counselling was good, and helpful- will continue.

It’s such a good point the poster above makes that we make certain ‘allowances’ for parents; as they’re just that.

Two eeeks today. Woah.

OP posts:
pointythings · 29/09/2018 09:59

Littlemiss you are doing so well! All your responses so far have been thoughtful, considered and sensible. Trust your instincts, they serve you well.

Littlemissdemeanour · 29/09/2018 10:15

Thanks @pointythings - nice to have encouraging words here. It does, in some ways, feel a cloud of pressure has been lifted through the NC that’s been sustained so far.

I find myself feeling lonely, rejected and then I remember what was said, look at my still present bruises, remember sitting with victim support. Then I know I’m doing the right thing

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 30/09/2018 12:58

Received a really upsetting text last night which has put me right back Sad

OP posts:
Pashazade · 30/09/2018 13:27

Sorry to hear that @Littlemiss you've been doing so well. Just remember you've been making the right choices for you and your future happiness whatever anyone else may think. Hugs Thanks

peaktrans · 30/09/2018 15:34

So sorry to hear that. Can I suggest reminding yourself that we all believe in you? Also can you change numbers & email addresses so they cannot contact you again?

Hissy · 30/09/2018 16:07

The upsetting text was only a matter of time.

You know this.

Be upset, by all means, but then use it to strengthen your resolve

Can you give us the gist of what it said? Can we help you de-toxify it for you?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/09/2018 16:12

So sorry, Littlemiss - but yes, it was bound to happen

I only hope they've not started on the "serious illness" gambit

KlutzyDraconequus · 30/09/2018 16:13

Block them.. change number.. make sure they can't send any more shitty texts.. system more about them than it does about you.

pointythings · 30/09/2018 17:15

I second a change of phone number and blocking on everything else. They have no right to contact you in any way. Take control, then you can get on with your recovery. Flowers

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/09/2018 17:41

So sorry to hear about the hurtful text. As others have said, it was only a matter of time. Your parents will want you back and dancing to their tune.

It's all got to be your fault. They can bever admit that they were the ones who caused the rift in your relationship. So an attempt to get you under the thumb was bound to come.

You have your own impressive strength, but if you ever doubt yourself just re-read this thread. We are listening to you, we believe and support you.

Have a Brew and a Cake

chickenloverwoman · 30/09/2018 17:52

You are so strong, it's very hard to act when it's parents who are abusive. If my abusive father was still alive now, I'd go NC with him as I now understand just how bad his behaviour was. But it's taken me 40 years to get to the point where I can say that and only after six months of intense councelling. Well done for recognising what your parents are like, earlier in your life, even though under horrible circumstances.

Littlemissdemeanour · 30/09/2018 19:24

It said

So it’s 2 weeks since you left when we were told by the Police not to have contact with you. Is this how you want this arrangement to continue?

  1. The police told them not to contact that evening. Ie until morning. Heard with own ears. So that’s a lie
  2. Note the ‘you did this, you did that’ - all an inference that it is indeed my fault
  3. Use of the word ‘arrangement’ Is wicked. I didn’t ask for this
  4. The whole thing is smarmy, self righteous and implies seniority over me

I’m upset at GP’s continuing as normal, Skyping parents. They even suggested I text back whilst they were on Skype tonight to ‘see parents reacton’ Wtf.

Godmother told other uncle, I believe. She told me to reach out to him as he wanted to hear it from me. When I did (text) he replied he ‘told my aunt to stay out of family feuds and he would too. Last thing he needs right now’

I feel hideous, minimised, unsupported. This is my worst moment now.

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 30/09/2018 19:31

Ignore and block. Do not fuel their toxicity with a response.
Keep the message incase police need to be involved in the future.

Whocansay · 30/09/2018 19:38

I would stop contacting the whole bloody lot of them. They all seem to be horrible people, and I include your GPs in that. Their actions show that they are not supportive of you. That Skype suggestion shows that they would thoroughly enjoy the drama.

Easier said than done, though.

You've been through so much. You know the truth. What do you want to do?

Littlemissdemeanour · 30/09/2018 19:40

I feel like I’d be better dead. Awful, awful. A real test for me, and now I know where I stand: alone

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 30/09/2018 19:47

Oh love, how horrible.

Your parents have had a lifetime to work out how to find the words to hurt you the most, and they are really exercising that skill now, you poor thing Flowers