Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

Whilst court may seem a good ‘idea’, the reality and impact on me... not so.

@prawn Not sure I feel as put together as you suggest, but your words have been very encouraging, so thank you.

Well done OP! You have faced something terrifying and now you know the facts. You also know what to do if they come after you again. You have made the best choices for you under these circumstances, and have been very brave! X

Thank you justlou and waves to Australia!

I also decided not to take things further with the police.

It made it easier for them to try and act as if nothing happened and pretend everything was fine and things could go back to normal.

I had to very actively let them know that it wasn't forgotten or forgiven and the old relationship we had was over. We have a new relationship now but they constantly try to overstep and try to control me.

I do want a relationship with them - but on my terms. It's hard.

For one, whatever happens next, a record of domestic violence at their address and against them, will be recorded. Rightfully so. Both parents going at you like that, there has to be some consequences, surely. What they are, only you can decide.

Good call doing what feels right for you, right now. The grieving for what was, or in this case was not, will be hard, but you are so strong and rational you will get through it. Wishes and dreams are so hard to let go of but your safety and sanity count for much more. 💐

Good to hear how your getting on LittleMissDemeanour.

I totally understand the decision about court. You seem to be doing well so far by taking your time and acting intuitively.

Really pleased you managed to speak with the police again - though frankly the thing about your "mother" staring at the wall when confronted is downright chilling

As ever, what matters is what's right for you, and if that means leaving the case on file for now (and as fieryginger said it will be on file), then that's what should happen

I doubt they'll ever accept any responsibility for what they've done, but hope at least that they'll respect your ending contact. If not, at least you have the option of re-opening it with the police if you choose

I'm so so sorry that your parents are so vile. I think, if what you have decided is right for you and done in a calm.and considered way and not as a result of any outside influences, then it's right for you.
Huge hugs x

If there is no statute of limitations then you have an ace up your sleeve.

You can get the support you need, have therapy, work out what contact (if any) you want and what boundaries you want.

Then if they up their behaviour, or refuse to stay in your boundaries then you know within yourself that this is something you can do.

Just keep all the evidence safe and detailed and go forth with your life.

Oh OP this is heartbreaking. You sound very strong, be kind to yourself, have the therapy and surround yourself with loving friends.
When you're feeling up to it and exploring things safely with your therapist, you might want to look at spiritual abuse. I'm guessing from what you've said it's an independent church (spiritual abuse much rarer in mainstream). I work in this area (I'm a mainstream Christian working alongside mental health services) and it can be incredibly damaging and have long term effects on mental health and relationships that therapy can help with. From what you say I'm guessing this has been going on your whole life.

Most of all, please look after yourself and know that despite your abusive parents you are absolutely worth better than this. X

Please dont take the word 'idea' the wrong way, OP. As someone who has had to live with the impact of domestic violence from both parents and STBXH, I know what it feels like to have them get away with it, and the longer time goes on, the more I wish there had been some external consequence for those responsible. I'm thinking of the long-term implications for your mental health if justice is never served, and as you know, the more time passes, the lower the chances of conviction.

Update: text message from mother saying ‘are you alive’. Ignored, obv. Classic minimising.

I took some time out yesterday and went away, and it was fabulous.

To those who have also been through this and for all the support elsewhere

@nobodytovotefornow whilst I take your point, I’ve taken a decision on balance, and based on what’s right for me. It may not be forever, as I have flexibility with the police, but I need to just be me just now. Me minus the courts.

Pursue the path that brings you peace.
That’s what matters most.

Well done on ignoring the text ... progress already, you see, as no doubt you wouldn't have done that at one time

I seem to remember a PP asking if it would be worth changing your number; would that work for you by relieving some of the pressure, do you think, or would you rather keep it as it is?

Please cancel the holiday. These people could really hurt you.

The thought of anyone treating their child this way is just terrifying, and the job your mother has😲. How could she??!!!

I hope you never have contact with them again. Make today the day you change your life.

Text message from mother saying ‘are you alive’.

How inappropriate. it seems such a deeply weird text in the circumstances. I imagine it increased your certainty about your future path. There's no apology, no acknowledgement.

I'm sorry to hear this, but it fits with everything else. Thinking of you.

little well done for ignoring that text. I hope it didn't shake you up too much. Glad you got some time away from everything too.

Thank you. It is ignored.

To the poster who said please cancel the holiday- RTFT please. I didn’t book it, therefore nothing for d to do but not go. And I’ve made it clear: I’m not going.

They’re clearly living in dreamworld.

Littlemissdemeanour, I've just read the whole thread and want you to know I think you're amazing. You've been so badly treated and damaged, but you have done all the right things and enforced some boundaries both irl and on here, even before you've got all the support you need.

I hope you have heard from the counsellor and can manage to get that in place asap.

I get it, Littlemiss... The world isn’t a black and white place. You are going to get a lot of “You Shoulds....” from your parents and from mumsnetters (who really mean well, but don’t realize how much pressure they’re adding to an already overwhelmed person.)
Choose the option that seems the “Least Worst” to you. It may make you feel like you are slowly plodding through, but you will definitely get through it! You are doing so well to make these choices and to define your boundaries. I’m so proud of you!!!

Delurking to say I think you are doing really well. You are calm and practical and very aware of what is right for YOU. They are abhorrent but you know it’s not you, it’s them.

Look after yourself and let yourself heal from what was a horrible situation and attack. And yes it was assault. I’m glad the police used that word to your father.

Looking after yourself and getting counselling and doing what feels right for you is and should be your priority.

good advice from justilou1, I'd go further and say, if in doubt, do now't.

You don't have to do anything you don't feel Ok about. It's OK to say no, and to mean it. Saying I don't know, I'll think about it' is also a really valid way of navigating stuff when you are stressed.

oP you are doing great!

Hope you’re holding up.

No action is a valid action as well you know, and what may look like no action can mean ‘lots of action just not the big dramatic outer wards focused one’. Keep up confidence that you’re doing the things that you need to do, for you, right now.