Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

couldn’t give me the info I need to take a decision - only police can apparently

Hmm ... well, if it's about actual police processes I can see they'd be the best people to advise, but it's a shame it wasn't clearer

Fingers crossed that they get back to you soon

That's awful, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

I think your parents need to understand how seriously wrong their actions were and for hat reason I'd proceed with the police. I'd definitely cancel the holiday too. What an utter nightmare

Hope the police get back to you soon. Uncertainty's a bugger.

I don't want to be negative but when I had Victim Support the bloke was immensely kind but not any sort of proper counsellor. Don't expect too much. There are so many victims, sadly, and I assume they couldn't possibly train them for every type of crime, every circumstance.

However, as you're also accessing counselling, any shortfall in Victim Support will be insignificant, so no worries

Hi all

@prawn yes, I don’t think the point that they were volunteers was properly explained, and I’d built it up to be more in my head.

For those that asked, no they were not able to provide steps or direction, or give further support through the process really (other than make an appointment anytime).

I don’t want to be unkind, as they were very kind, but I think what I need right now is clear direction, material facts and a professional counsellor (still waiting on a call back from the latter).

In terms of the holiday, I’ve never been keen. All booked in his name, so I’ve no concern there or burden (but do have visions of being asked to pay it back through emotional blackmail). I probably would too, as I’ll never have my name tarnished. You see my problem here.

I’ve taken pictures of my bruises again today and they’re really bad (although no longer painful).

Just sending you a hand to hold, LittleMiss, and a strong back to lean on if it all feels too much.

You are doing so well, in these horrendous circumstances. Keep it up. This is not your fault.

I’d give the police officer who dealt with the incident a call. No harm chasing them up and getting the wheels in motion.

Hang in there lovely, it may not feel like it but you’re doing incredibley well and very brave

I think what I need right now is clear direction, material facts and a professional counsellor (still waiting on a call back from the latter).

Yes that comes across. You like to act and to deal with facts. A fairly pragmatic approach strikes me as a useful way of dealing with a situation like this.

The breaking down and howling bit is in many ways harder to deal with. I'd guess it will probably come when you either see your counsellor or can share all this with someone you trust in real life.

@ palerider you’re not given a direct no; must be dealt with via 101 as the intermediary. I called on Monday, the officers in attendance are not back on shift until today - and I don’t know they’re schedule. So as much as I want to push, I have to give them a chance

@ prawn I think you’ve got me down to a tee about being the pragmatist. Me all over. I deal with material facts, generally. If only this one was a little less emotional, and I could detach.

*their

Oh you poor girl. I'm glad you reported the incident to the police. Take some photos of your jumper and your bruises (if you can) in case you want to take the matter further.

Please don't go on the family holiday, there's nothing much 'family' about your parents and who knows what might happen. You're vulnerable, an easy target and they know that. They are bullies.

If in the future they contact you and are genuinely remorseful about what happened maybe you can forgive them and tentatively rebuild the relationship but don't ever put yourself at their mercy again.

I understand what you say about being alone and maybe lonely but think of Christmas as just one day. Shops are open the next day! You can please yourself on Christmas day, sleeping late, watching what you choose on TV, eating whatever you like - then it's over. I assure you many people would love to spend Christmas Day alone!

Take care of yourself and good luck.

I feel so sad reading your thread and I'm so sorry you have had to go through this,
I do honestly think that the best thing you can do is go NC. I understand it's hard but honestly in time it will be the best decision you ever made and you will feel free.
Best of luck with the police op

Press charges and please God ask the police to contact her employer - that woman should not be working in mental health!

Thank you. To be clear again, it’s not as clean as ‘press charges’; nor am I armed with all the information I need.

When I have that (from the police) and the professional help I seek to manage this decision (counselling), I will be in a far better place.

I'm glad you aren't in as much physical pain today at the very least, even if victim support seemed a little fruitless.

(Victim Support) were not able to provide steps or direction, or give further support through the process really

I admit I'm genuinely surprised, especially as they make - or did make - a big thing of "helping to navigate the criminal justice system" Absolutely not your problem of course, but maybe they're now restricting what they do because of the age-old funding thing

Not to worry, though; direct advice from the police will probably be better in the end, and hopefully the counsellor will be really useful

I am so sorry that you went through all this stress today and not have the answers you were looking for. I’m sure when you speak to the police you will have a better idea. I’m very proud of you for being photographed. I know how difficult and humiliating that is. Apart from when they totally lost their shit, my family were usually very careful to injure intimate parts of my body that were covered in clothing. It probably doesn’t feel like it today, but having this evidence - even just for your own use - will be great to stop you from feeling like you are the one who is going crazy here....

@ puzzle I was too, but perhaps I misunderstood; or it was the case it used to be a more comprehensive service.

Unfortunately nothing from the police today, but I think I’ll call tomorrow afternoon if no further word

Update: spoke to the police and clarified a few things. Firstly that time for cautioning passed on Saturday night - as I did not wish to make a complaint then, it was not possible to do in retrospect .

According to the police, my mother stared at the wall when confronted, was unengaging and frankly, a brat. Father seemed very concerned about the use of the word ‘assault’ by the police, and asked if I used that word (says it all). I hadn’t, police officer did, and she stated they were lucky I wasn’t formalising it in that moment anyway, and father only concerned apparently about the impact of that and on his job. Nor me. If it ever was retrievable in some small morsel (and to be clear, I don’t think it was) the tim has passed and their silence says it all.

In essence, I am glad I didn’t persue the complaint on Saturday, as I would have blamed myself for making it irretrievable (go figure, I know). Looking at it now, they’ve had 6 days and this is who they were. I no know it’s not me.

The situation is open from police, and I can persue at any given time - no statute of limitation on that, however for now, I cannot face the prospect of court. Nor can I do it to my parents. I know many of you will scoff at the latter (and part of me is too). However, it’s all lost anyway; there’s nothing to reconcile- they’ve lost a daughter.

The court process would damage me more. Despite what they’ve done to me, I won’t see them lose jobs and so forth, and would be worried that could be interpreted as spite. And whilst they would (and have) done it to me, I’ll never do it to them. I’m just not that person.

OP
That update is the epitome of rising above and not stooping to the same level.
You've nothing to feel bad about or regret. You've made the best choice for you and that's all that.matters. :)

missdemeanour if you can use what you have learned from this to go fully NC and make your peace with that, it will have been worth it. I think looking to the future is the best thing for you now - counselling to come to terms with losing your parents and boosting your self-esteem, then rebuilding your life. As you take control, you will find you develop the confidence to manage healthy adult relationships and find happiness, and that is ultimately what really happens.

Omg they are awful. Go no contact and dont feel guilt.

Do what you need to in order to heal yourself. If you think court will damage you then don't put yourself through it right now. I'd advise not totally ruling it out as an option though for the future, but nothing you need to think of at the current time.

Use the anger you're feeling, which will be in there along with all the other emotions, to drive you further in helping yourself. They don't deserve your attention, but you certainly deserve peace and healing.

You're a very impressive woman, Littlemissdemeanour. I don't think I'd be as clear thinking and resolute in your shoes. Your reasons for not pressing charges against your parents make a lot of sense. Ironically, they will probably never acknowledge - or even realize - how much they owe you.

As you say, And whilst they would (and have) done it to me, I’ll never do it to them. I’m just not that person.

No, you're not, are you? You're a much finer person. Rising above is a sure route to preserve your self respect

They sound like my parents. Ive been nc with them for a couple of years and believe it or not the christmasses do get easier.

And actually, i think court would be a good idea in terms of closure. Convictions would make it abundantly clear who the 'bad guys' really are - most importantly in your mind. Take some time to really considee it, because if your parents are anything like mine, within a few weeks they will have created a narrative to share with the rest of the family which casts you sqaurely as the villain and them as the innocent victims. And for the sake of your future relationships with other family members it would be good to get in there first.