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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 19:13

It’s not that I’m scared of talking for myself per se; I do that daily for work.

The difficulty I have is prolonging the emotional turmoil for me, going VS my own parents, the newspapers .... everything really. It’s like a bad soap storyline

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/09/2018 19:52

I’m so glad your godparents are safe people to lean on. It so very nearly always ISNT the case.

I’m glad too that things are beginning to untangle in your head so that you can see the correlation between what they have done to you and the bad things you’ve experienced in your life

Do you see now that none of it was your fault my dear? You were very much conditioned into accepting bad treatment by others.

Time to be kind and loving to yourself now.

I remember well too in the aftermath of my mother kicking off that things said that were a bit close to the truth did get to me, even when others meant well. It’s all relative and it does get easier, you won’t always feel this raw or vulnerable

You’re doing amazingly well.

You may dip/wobble/stumble shortly, and over time, it’s adrenaline wearing off, expect it and be prepared, it passes xx

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 19/09/2018 20:34

With the court thing. Firstly the police mentioning it will be because they are taking it seriously.

Secondly its completely understandable that it would scare you. Its a scary enough prospect when it's against someone you don't know. I doubt anyone would want to think about that. It's horrible that you even have to think about it. Hopefully victim support can give you some insight into what's available if that were ever to occur.

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 21:00

Thank you. I’m just spending my time being torn between the good times then reminding myself of EFR very, very bad times. And of course; Saturday

The realisation that they don’t give a F has made my physically throw up a few times today.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 19/09/2018 22:18

Be kind to yourself Littlemiss, it will take time BrewCake

pickingdaisies · 19/09/2018 23:12

Hi littlemiss, I'm sorry I have no insights, but I've just read the thread, and can't leave without saying how much I admire the way you are dealing with an awful situation. You are showing such courage, please remember when you have a wobble that there are people here who can see how amazing you are. Don't doubt it Flowers

WellThisIsShit · 19/09/2018 23:43

Oh you poor thing, your body is feeling it, even whilst your brain is still a wee bit cushioned by shock and disbelief.

Hello again by the way (waves in a friendly gentle kind of way). I’m glad you found my post helpful back a few pages. I hope you can use this space as support and somewhere to put all your thoughts whenever you need to get something out there.

For what it’s worth, I think you’ve showed you can firmly and consistently uphold your boundaries, and express your needs, which is such a positive sign. Boundaries are one of the main thing to get utterly screwed up with abusive parents, so you’re doing very well - I don’t know how to say that without sounding hideously patronising, which is not my intent, so sorry about that (argh!)...please try and ignore the bad tonality there!

I’m so sorry for this hell your parents have plunged you into. It’s really crap and it’s really bloody Not Fair. It’s the rubbish-ist of situations, where they are the ones who have done all the actions, and visited all this on you, then left you, whilst you are the one who is totally innocent yet has all this awful stuff dumped on you to deal with.

You’re doing so well. BrewFlowers

RainbowsArePretty · 20/09/2018 07:38

It's totally normal to throw up, it's your body reacting to all the trauma. Thanks

Can you look into mindfulness/meditation if you don't already practice this? There are lots of apps, podcasts etc to help you practice this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/09/2018 10:49

Good luck with the appointment today Flowers

LibraryLurker · 20/09/2018 11:24

OP I have been following this thread from the beginning and just want you to know that whatever course of action you decide to take is down to you. You have been extremely brave to face up to the reality of your situation and I am very pleased that your gps are being supportive. If it comes to court action, you will have support both in rl and on here. It is extremely sad that your parents and others have exploited you and I hope that you can get the help to rebuild your life.

Littlemissdemeanour · 20/09/2018 12:00

Thank you all so much, the suppprt here (as sad as it’s been reading how affected some of you have been by DV) has really helped give me courage, and feel just a little less alone.

I’ve had the runs all morning with anxiety, but just force feeding some toast and Nutella (lol). Heading off very shortly.

Really hope this is cathartic. Today is also the day the police officers who were on duty that night return to shift.

Praying they’ll call today

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 20/09/2018 12:05

Thinking of you today, hope it's the start of something better for you.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 20/09/2018 12:28

Thinking of you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/09/2018 12:34

Me too. Sending you warm sympathy. You're doing so well.

Littlemissdemeanour · 20/09/2018 12:47

Sitting in waiting room about peeing my pants if I’m honest!!!

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/09/2018 12:49

If it's any help, think of all of us behind you. You have support her, and you have your godparents behind you.

PaleRider1 · 20/09/2018 13:52
Flowers
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 20/09/2018 14:06

Good luck today. Flowers

justilou1 · 20/09/2018 14:06

Hi Littlemiss! I’m thinking of you from Australia. I’ve been through this and it’s terrifying and isolating, but you are making the first moves to claim yourself back. I’m very proud of you! It takes such strength to makes these first steps!!!

Hissy · 20/09/2018 14:10

We are all here for you, even the ones who you thought were a little pushy, we ALL want you to get through this and to grow stronger and safer

(((hug)))

AwdBovril · 20/09/2018 14:22

Thinking of you today. Flowers

Littlemissdemeanour · 20/09/2018 15:08

Update: they were very nice and kind, but couldn’t give me the info I need to take a decision - only police can apparently. Feel a little misled, as was led to believe on the phone they could.

So the update is: there is no real update.

Still waiting on police to call - don’t know what shift they’re on.

OP posts:
Malbecfan · 20/09/2018 16:00

Keep on keeping on Littlemiss. You are doing really well here. No advice to add, but I have been thinking about you over the last few days and I'm wishing you peace and closure xx

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 20/09/2018 16:02

Its crappy you were misled on that front little. Were they able to tell you what they could offer when you make a decision at least?

beanaseireann · 20/09/2018 16:11

Thinking of you- stay strong. Thanks