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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
Renarde1975 · 19/09/2018 12:18

You know, I am bowing out. Despite trying ever so carefully to offer clear and considered advice, not sure what the point is any more and she seems utterly determined to read into text a subtext which is simply not there. Which makes me pause for thought tbh.

Now I can see others' having a 'bandwagon' moment.

OP has posted on a public forum. I have been perfectly polite and reasonable.

I note no one has yet picked up on my point on the script...

Regardless. Best of luck OP.

StormTreader · 19/09/2018 12:42

Yes, I think thats probably best.

Trampire · 19/09/2018 13:16

she seems utterly determined to read into text a subtext which is simply not there. Which makes me pause for thought tbh.

Ouch Renarde. That's a bit of a nasty parting shot.

Tbh, I was finding your posts slightly hard to follow too.

OP, glad you've come back.

poopsqueak · 19/09/2018 14:26

wow Renarde, way to derail the thread. And that comment she seems utterly determined to read into text a subtext which is simply not there. Which makes me pause for thought tbh. is unnecessarily cruel.

I put to you that you are the unevolved 'N' in the situation, you just dont realise it yet.

OP, you've done well. Keep going. We are all with you.

StormTreader · 19/09/2018 15:06

Guys, this thread is for the OP, lets not derail here onto other people :)

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 15:41

Hi thanks for the support where it has been so.

Got appointment for victim support tomorrow, but struggling today. Just updated things like emergency contacts / next of kin/ death expression forms Sad

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2018 15:49

Really pleased to hear victim support are on board; I seem to remember saying I'd have been surprised if they weren't, and I believe you'll find them very valuable

It can't have been easy changing the next of kin info, etc, but surely shows you're starting to move forward ... brilliantly well done!!

VelociraptorRex · 19/09/2018 15:57

Hi OP, I don't have any experience of this but I just wanted to say you seem to be doing really well. Not everyone realises how their posts come across I think, but there's definitely support here, so if you're struggling today you've got a good place to let it all out. Is your friend still with you?

Miketv · 19/09/2018 16:00

Hope it goes well tomorrow. If it will help, write everything down that you can think of (not just this incident but others in the past) so you can give them the full picture - it's easy to forget stuff in the moment.

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 16:09

Hi

No, friend left yesterday. Have to be by myself sooner or later. I’m very used to my own company (does not mean I enjoy the loneliness though).

Just trying to take practical steps to make sure I’m protected in case anything happens to me.

OP posts:
VelociraptorRex · 19/09/2018 16:11

Do what makes you feel safe - whether that's talking to people you trust or changing locks, being on your own or with other people, you're the one that matters right now. How are you feeling physically today?

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 16:17

They don’t have a set of keys, fortunately, so that’s not a concern.

I think I’m still in shock. I’m crying out for professional help. Glad I’ve got the appointment tomorrow. They said they were volunteers, but trust there’s sufficient training.

I’m also waiting on a call for private therapy. I realise how serious this is, and don’t want it to beat me, hence the drive for early support.

At times I’m totally wavering though.

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 19/09/2018 16:17

Very glad that you've got victim support's help. Amazed at how you're managing to tackle the practical stuff. Hope you're feeling as better as you can be.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/09/2018 16:18

I'm very impressed by your energy and clarity of thought. I don't think I would have considered updating "things like emergency contacts / next of kin/ death expression forms."

Just wondering - are you eating? It's easy not to when you're upset - or at least it is for me. If you can't face proper food then soup or hot chocolate made with milk will get some energy into you.

Thinking of you. You're doing well in a tough place.

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 16:26

Not eating like normal, no (and I love my food!)

Managed a cup of tea and toast today. Was a little better with friend here, as we were cooking together as a distraction and she was ensuring I was getting the right nutrients and so forth.

Yes, trying to be practical. I’ve always been that way minded as I believe these steps begin the process, and at least make me feel like I’m doing something.

I think what hurts most is that they couldn’t even care I got home safely, or have reached out since- whatever happened. That’s what GP’s have said too. They’re behind me whatever I need to do, and have been very supportive. That said, it’s a huge shock to them too, and they’re trying to digest how my parents can do it too. I’m suffering, but they are struggling to come to terms with it too

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/09/2018 16:31

Oh - cross posted.

I’m also waiting on a call for private therapy. I realise how serious this is, and don’t want it to beat me, hence the drive for early support.

Now that's something I totally identify with. I know therapy works so if it's warranted I go marching out and get some. People go through so much suffering because they don't seek help.

I visualize therapy as being like having a bag full of pointy flints that I tip out on the carpet. Then between us, my therapist and I turn them over, rubbing the sharp corners down, turning them into smooth pebbles.

At times I’m totally wavering though.

I think you'd be odd if you weren't. This is, after all, an extraordinary situation and not one you would ever have sought. You've been forced into this. Your DPs are entirely responsible. Cherish yourself.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2018 16:39

(Victim Support) said they were volunteers, but trust there’s sufficient training

There most certainly is; it's something they take very seriously and rightly so. Useful link below:

www.victimsupport.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer/support-and-training

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 19/09/2018 16:46

All that will hurt little. It's not behaviour anyone expects from loved ones. It's stings like hell.

Wavering is totally normal too. You've been jolted out of what you perceive as normal into something you don't recognise. It will mess with you.

One of my previous neighbours was a victim support worker. I can't vouch for her professionally but she was a lovely lady and very supportive of people with problems in general, so if you get someone half as nice as her you'll definitely get benefit from it.

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 17:13

Really good to hear regarding training and personal experiences. I just need to get it all out and understand.

I think for the counselling the important thing for me to see is how I’ve found myself being bullied at work, harassed, In a bad relationship - I’ve normalised behaviours (I think) because I’ve been conditioned to do so.

I’ll also need coping techniques

OP posts:
rainbowruthie · 19/09/2018 17:15

Just to say that I am sending some kind thoughts your way Flowers

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 18:18

Thank you rainbow

OP posts:
magoria · 19/09/2018 18:23

If you decide to go ahead with the police will they have services which you can access? Some form of victim support? It may be another form of help.

It also may be helpful (even if scary) to go through it so you have it affirmed that yes they are really bad and your thoughts/feelings are normal.

As you have already stated ff your parents treat you like this you have been conditioned and bullies/abusers seem to find this.

What you decide to do is down to you and you must do what you think is best for yourself.

Look after yourself.

Littlemissdemeanour · 19/09/2018 18:25

Thank you. The decision is the million dollar question. I’m most scared of court. It was mentioned on Saturday by the police to me.

OP posts:
Theoscargoesto · 19/09/2018 18:42

Littlemiss: I've read most of this thread. I think you are very brave and I applaud you for your strength and for your resilience. I am glad for you that you are following up what happened, because it was really wrong, and it was not your fault.

I volunteer for an organisation that supports children in all sorts of situations, including abusive ones. One thing we often hear is that the child thought what was happening to them was 'normal'. And to them, it is normal. If they have been taught that what's happening is normal, by word and action, for years and years, it's really hard for them suddenly to believe the opposite. I guess I am saying that I am really glad you are looking at counselling and glad that you are starting to understand that your parents are in the wrong here. I wish you well on that journey.

One other thing, you said a bit ago that what's especially hard is that this was perpetrated by your parents, who are supposed to love you. I think finding that hard to get your head around is completely understandable.

Again, I wish you well. You did not deserve to be treated badly by anyone, parents, partners, colleagues. You deserved respect, and that you didn't get it is down to them, not you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2018 19:09

I’m most scared of court. It was mentioned on Saturday by the police to me

I could be wrong here - you might want to check - but if you decide to go down the court route, I'm pretty sure Victim Support have supporters who'll go with you. Obviously they can't speak for you there, but they can certainly help to make the whole thing less traumatic

Anyway, I'm sure they'll advise if you want to ask

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