Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

Sending you strength and a hand hold OP.

You haven’t done anything wrong.

You have been really brave and I hope the police were helpful.

Hi I've been nc with my parents since I was 18. It's a scary road to walk down but it's far better than the alternative, what shocked me most was how happy I could be. Have you any mental health issues that could be making this more difficult for you? I ask because I wondered where the sectioning threat came from from your mother?

Don't give up the support on your thread because you feel a couple of posters aren't being supportive little!

For what it's worth Iv seen a couple of points that I think because your so in shock and vulnerable that you might have misunderstood.

Some people on here are much further down the road than you and have found on that journey that people they thought they could trust and would support them are in fact in the abusive family members pocket and worse spying or taking what they have said back to them! It's a massively painful experience to have happen once your so vulnerable and fragile after realising the truth and it re-traumatises you!

I think all they are trying to do is warn you so you can protect your heart and be ready incase the worst happens but they are not telling you not to get support in real life!

To add incase it's not clear I'm sending you as much support to you as a can summon and I hope when your struggling you feel it.

OP, I really feel for you, and it’s clear that so many others also feel for you do.

But they’d do well to remember that whilst they are empathising so strongly, they are not you.

There is such fierce empathizing going on that the supporting has become directing, and the recognition has become precognition.

This is unhelpful to the OP. She’s telling you loud and clear. Again and again!

I totally get it, or I think I do. When you feel like you’ve ‘been there’ so strongly and you want to share all that wisdom you wish you’d had to stop her falling into the traps abusers often set...

But firstly, although the OP has her road to travel, it’s not your road, or my road. It’s her road.

And secondly, you’re further down your road and you can’t just shout advice from further down life’s journey and hope someone will leapfrog all the traps and brambles. Otherwise humanity would be seriously evolved by now, with no wars or conflicts, and also, all teenage years would be a dream!

To be on the receiving end of all this intense ‘I’ve been there do it My Way!’ Advice, well, to me in the past sometimes it crosses the line into feeling like projecting rather than simply empathizing/ supporting, when people claim they ‘know’ with absolute certainty what the future holds. Perhaps it’s because some abusive patterns involve people closest to you betraying you and behaving in shocking and incredible ways. And perhaps it’s because it’s all so fresh to the people trying to help that the rawness just comes across?

Anyway, OP, I hope you are ok. I don’t think anyone has meant to get up in your face and upset you or push you around. I think I probably wrote like that at times in the past too

Anyway, I’m reading, without directing you and I support you whatever you want to do, OK?

Op . I can imagine how awful you feel . I was abused by my parents but still wanted them to love me. It took till I was about 40 to not care but did go nc at 21. I am happier and healthier for it.

Remember it is something you never truly understand unless you have been through it. And what people are giving is advice . Advice can be taken or not . Some posters may well be over zealous but even those I believe want the best for you .

OP how are you today?
I understand the shock and turmoil.
Most of all I understand the fear.
After years of untold family abuse (when I was a totally empty shell - so much so that I physically had to check in a mirror to make sure I actually existed), it took a hugely traumatic event for my personal dam to break and to face the truth of my FOO.
Within a few months of the trauma happening, literally one day I went from cowed, terrified, broken person to total and absolute NC.
The trauma (don't want to elaborate on here) was what woke me up from a deep coma that had been my life.
I was so afraid that it was only a devastating event that jolted me into action. They cost me and lost me so much that there was nothing more they could do.
And I have survived.
I wish you courage and strength.
You can PM me if you need to talk. Xxx

For those of you who have made comments that are helpful, thank you.

To the person asking if there was merit in the comments by my controlling mother, using her knowledge to manipulate and scare me beyond belief. No, there was no merit in it, she knew it would put the fear of god into me by saying it, and did.

You writing that on this thread brought me back there; and to the doubt and lack of self belief. They may just be words to you, but that comment stayed with me all through last night. And yet again: I doubted myself.

littlemiss please don't doubt yourself, you have so far shown a strength that's immeasurable through what's probably the hardest thing you've ever been through. Its easier said that done I know.

Unfortunately you will get a lot of people who can’t understand parents being abusive and will look for away to justify the behaviour. Had it for years and it really stopped my healing and took me back a step or two every time.

But eventually you realise that they are naive and you learn to ignore and let it go.

The other problem is that abusers and narcs use so many tactics that it’s hard for people to advise you in the best course of action.

My mother is a narc, ticks most of the boxes but didn’t use flying monkeys and dropped me like a hot stone when she realised i wasn’t going to be her supply anymore.

I too found validation from my aunt and uncle who understood where I was coming from. They were starting to see it too.

But it is worth listening to their knowledge and keeping your eyes open for the flying monkeys , the hovering and all the other crap they could pull.

Hope it went well with the police.

You doubt yourself because like all of us who have been subjected to long term abuse from a very young age, we don't know what 'normal' is. How could we?
By the way the Stately Homes" thread is fantastic. If you are able to, pop over and have a look.
You will realise you are not alone. X

littlemiss feelings of doubt are normal. Having a wobble is normal. You are doing fine, just take it at your own pace and don't let anyone push you into steps you are not ready for.

Plenty of people won’t understand, but many of us do, please don’t listen to people who have NO IDEA what it’s actually like and want you to play happy families in their Disney version of life. There will be people you already know who have gone NC with their families/parents, but as I read elsewhere, it’s not something you broadcast readily, there’s still taboos about it – which should be smashed apart. But they, we, exist and will understand. I’m so far along the NC path that I just baldly state the situation if asked about my family now. You can do it, you can live your life for you and not those bullying excuses for parents. Much love and strength to you.

Aussiebean, you say Unfortunately you will get a lot of people who can’t understand parents being abusive and will look for away to justify the behaviour.

I come at it from a different angle. My parents are excellent. I can't fault them. They're my best friends and we love each other deeply.

That's why I know, without hesitation, that there can be no justification for what your parents did to you, Littlemissdemeanour. I know what parents are supposed to be like. No even half way decent parent behaves like that. This was endorsed on the spot by the police, who clearly took the situation very seriously.

Please don't doubt yourself.

I think you will find it hard, if not impossible, to try to maintain any sort of relationship with them going forward, Littlemissdemeanour. It's bound to be very painful but I'm sure it'll get easier with time.

It definitely seems, from what people who have been through similar trauma that you will feel much better quite quickly when you cut people who hurt you out of your life.

Hi OP. Hope you are feeling better today. Having a wobble is totally normal - after all, this is all you have ever known. The good news, it will pass. Time and space from them will enable you to 'get things clear' in your own head. Slowly, at first but bit by bit, you will get there. I have no doubt as you are strong.

A few posters on here have spotted the fact that I must have a similar situation to your own. Indeed I do. Yes, I am further on in my 'journey' but things keep on getting revealed all the time to me.

I just want to pick up on a few things that a few others have said and just to make myself clear.

I'm pretty sure the 'zealous' commented was directed at me. That's fine. I take no umbrage but I am not zealous. What I AM presenting is clear and unemotional, and above all rational observations (which is the OP is clearly free too disregard if she so wishes; again, nothing personal).

These are based not on my own abuses but sharing and comparing notes with others and noting the striking similarities between our familial and intimate partner relationships.

People loathe to be pigeon holed but it is surprising how people do react to type. Why else do we have the MN script? Why do more experienced posters predict an outcome within the very first few posts on a new thread? Then the outcome, is indeed as stated?

The OP cannot be pushed into it, the knowledge that she was abused is the first step but it's so important and she has done it! Yah!

There is another strand though in my own story, I have been partners with fully functioning and self aware Ns. Multiple times. I'm in touch with a few right now as it happens. The self-aware are really quite rare so to have been exposed to so many is more than a bit strange. There are reasons for this which I won't go into. Some, will quite happily chat to me about their own behaviours and how they manage them. Some do seek to manage them.

The unevolved never will. Or, if they promise to change it's only given really lip service and out of a need to 'do something in this moment'. The rush the Mum would have felt, which is supply/fuel would have made her feel powerful and it would have eased the anxiety or sense of unease in her own body. As she is unevolved, she does not recognise it for what it is, she needs fuel.

A true empath would struggle to conprehend treating someone, anyone in that manner. This is why abuse remains hidden in plain sight. So many people want to do the right thing but often, the right thing is actually the wrong thing for the surviviour. But no one can see it and round the cycle goes until the abuses become so malignant, the surviviour is essentially driven into NC to protect themselves.

The unevolved N will never take responsibility for their actions. Sure, in this case, it was admitted but that's not really the same is it? This is where you see the deflect, gaslighting, defend, diminish power plays trotted out further abusing the surviviour and adding to their trauma.

From the UE N's point of view, the facade must never crack at all costs and it is this warped thinking that means they will never allow themselves to be held at account. Will truly believe it is the surviviours fault (It of course IS NOT). There is NO argument that could ever be presented to them to make them see (and believe) the error of their ways.

'Zealous' is an emotive word. I believe what I have written above is not coming from an emotional perspective.

Apart from offering advice here, it is always in my mind the many lurkers who are in the same position who may recognise themselves. I think it's great that people are 'sitting with' the OP but I also believe that it can be of help to share practical advice too.

Little Miss, considering what you went through 2 days ago I think you're dealing with it amazingly well.
And I think if you trust your godparents enough to tell them the truth, then who are we to say anything about it. I'm not religious but I seem to remember that their job is to look out for the child rather than the parents. You know these people, and I'm guessing (because you don't seem like an idiot) you know whether it was the right thing to tell them or not.
Your parents are vile people and after the initial shock starts to wear off you'll be so much better without them. Hope the conversation with the police was useful to you.

Don’t doubt yourself. Your gut instinct is not wrong. You need to stay strong. Changing phone numbers is good advice.

@Renarde I’m finding your posts very hard going. I know you’re further down the line, but your well meaning advice is coming across as pushy, particularly with relation to my god parents. I chose to tell them as I TRUST them and they KNOW ME. My decision.

NC was not ‘breached’ as you state and ‘ROAR in yours ears’; I felt berated by these comments). My call to GP’s was in confidence and nothing was mentioned to parents, at my request.

I’m waiting for support from victim support and counsellor, and police to call me back when on their shift. So please do not keep lecturing me on a specific situation which you were not privy to, or people whom you do not know (GP’s).

Respectfully suggest you stop badgering me and berating me. I’m sure you mean well, but it is OTT.

@narcopletic that was a shit comment you made to me about mental health issues and the inference sectioning comments by my cruel mother were somewhat warranted affected me. Think, please.

@wellthisisshit I couldn’t have put it better myself. Thank you

I keep checking in on you, OP. I think you are going to be just fine, OP. Trust your judgement. X

Long time lurker here.
You are amazing, after all you have been through (past and present) you are still strong.
Your well reasoned but firm replies to posters who are or of line shows that.

You can do this. Take time to rest and heal , but you will get
there

some of the posters here can be fragile like you op. i dont think you need to be harsh on them, i believe they mean well. on a public forum like this you will receive lots of different replies, i think what i would do is take into consideration what applies to me, ignore the rest, but no need to argue with them.
i know you are still raw, but thats how it goes i believe.

Respectfully, I disagree, "bluebell34567*. I would have found Renarde's posts annoying too if I were Littlemissdemeanour.

When someone is seeking support at a time of great distress and upheaval you don't badger them. Renarde's take on OP's situation is, to put it politely, idiosyncratic and her exhortations just added to OP's stress. I appreciate that most posters (Renarde included) mean well. But when posters drive a woman in crisis off her own thread that's not OK.

bluebell you reference me arguing with posters? You may wish to read the thread. I’ve not argued with anyone: I’ve read, considered and where I’ve felt it a bit much I’ve commented on how it made ME feel.

Aren’t I entitled to do so?

If that is how it goes, so you believe, so be it. But it is not your life. And maybe, just maybe, I’ve found the fire in my belly to say STOP, hang on a minute, I respectfully disagree.

I fail to see what is so wrong with that.

Renarde, you can't just say "which is the OP is clearly free too disregard if she so wishes; again, nothing personal" and then use that as a green card to post a rather preachy wall of text opinion piece. There are platforms for what you've posted but this isn't one of them.

The OP has clearly said that she is not in a secure enough place emotionally to just "disregard" things like that - after what shes been through and is going through, shes not "clearly free" to do that.

As a self-identified evolved person, you should probably think about why you did not recognise that and adjust your actions accordingly - you are broadcasting out while making no adjustments based on the mitigating stimulus you should be taking in from the OPs posts.

OP, pleased to hear you are in touch with police victim support.

You’re doing a great job, One day at a time....

Renaude: I respect that you are in your own journey, and wish you the best of luck. The Women’s Aid advice for supporting people leaving abuse is to support, listen but not pressurise or persuade.

You may or may not be right in your opinions, but for whatever reason the OP isn’t hearing or ready to hear or doesn’t find your observations for her experience. Sometimes people just don’t click. Good got you with your fire in your belly and may it fuel you to your own safety. The OP is also entitled to be assertive about how she feels. Maybe you both follow your own journeys seperately?