Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

The police often issue cautions. A friend of mine was cautioned (I thought she was wrong to accept it but that's another matter).

They issue them for petty crimes like graffiti but are also able to issue a caution even for what seem quite serious offences.

I imagine they like them because it's one less case to bung up the courts. It's a crime solved too. The other benefit from their POV is that if someone commits the same crime again they've already admitted it on the record. It would make it very difficult for your DPs to get away with anything towards you again.

Obviously the police will be able to give you a lot more reliable information about your particular situation

They did admit what they did to the police on Saturday night

Apologies little I'd forgotten that was in your OP. I was confusing it with the lies they were telling your godparents.

It’s ok. They stated they did what they did (what the police referred to as abduction) ‘for my own good’.

As for the assault, my mother admitted tearing my jumper, and throwing the wine. Which the police saw, and I’ve the jumper.

The bruises which have since revealed and the full story would need to be formally recorded (I presume).

My parents think they were right, I’m sure of that. I know from the police mans reaction how wrong he thought they were.

Must call 101, but finding it hard to move tofsy

You have been very badly assaulted. Would you consider going ahead and prosecuting them? It is in a domestic context and will be carefully handled.

If not, then my best advice would be to ask for a restraining order. This will keep you safe and your parents away from you.

You reason you are so badly shaken and upset is probably because there is no way back from this. They have hurt you, held you against your will and said the most unspeakable things.

You will not feel any less lonely by having them in your lives because they bring nothing but abject misery.

Please tell your closest friends, and make it 'real'. Tell them what you have been through and how much their support would mean to you. This will give you added strength to protect yourself.

You are parents are abusers, god awful abusers. Are your mother's patients safe if she has such a nasty temper?

In time you will start to feel better, start bringing in the world slowly and gently again. Meet new friends, go on dates and start building a life without them.

Sorry this has happened to you

finding it hard to move tofsy
Completely understandable.
Can you get timestamps on your phone and take photos yourself? Or ask your friend to do it? That way if you don't feel up to seeing someone to officially document them you have dated photos.

Why thank you BusterGonad!

Alas, I have been through it, still going through it, although, I perceive at this moment the beginning of the end is finally here.

OP, please don't take my comments in the way that you feel you need to justify yourself because you truly don't. Reaching out for emotional support is vital but it needs to be the right people.

I've taken a break from something but I did catch that the Godparents are now involved and further to that, they were surprised how chipper the parents sounded!

Now what was some great concern last night on reading your thread has now become a ROAR in my ears! Let me explain why.

Godparents are ferquently chosen becaue they are close firends of the parents. They will be shocked, stunned and confused at this turn of events. They will, I guarantee you, attempt to play the middle man in this bring bring about a resolution. By doing this, they are effectively acting as 'blind' Lieutenants of your parents.

Sounding chipper? Right. So GP's ring up the P's and what are they giving them as the impart what you've been up to? How it's made you feel? Fuel. That's why they sounded so upbeat.

Tread very carefully now OP. Very. No Contact has now been breached technically. But this should not cause you any undue stress. Just reinstate it.

As to being on your own. The result of NC may mean a temporary withdrawal. It won't be permanent. I think you are still in shock my lovely.

The reason you are so badly shaken and upset is probably because there is no way back from this.

Yes, that's how I read the situation. There's a history of them behaving badly but this is a whole new level.

Littlemissdemeanour your perfectly reasonable shock and sense of betrayal at their treatment of you has changed everything. Abduction? And your DF telling you to go ahead and wet yourself? That made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

You can't go back now. Or at least if you do they will interpret it as your acceptance that you were at fault.

DS2's girlfriend had to move in with us because her DF was hitting her and her DM enabling it. She still tries to mend things. Said she knows it'll probably never work but "I'm only 23 and I just want my parents to love me. Is that wrong?" It's heart-rending.

And the answer, for her and for you, is that it'll never work out because your DPs and hers are cruel, egocentric, dysfunctional people who never examine their own role in any conflict. They can't grow up and become thoughtful, reasonable people like you, OP. They haven't the capacity.

Hi again OP.
Firstly, you sound amazingly strong, and though you might feel a big mess, your presence is this thread is calm and powerful.

I am in no way saying what you should do. And your situation is unique to you, as mine is to me, I just wanted to share that for me, third parties were convinced of my abuser's "side of the story" and that the abuser was actually the victim. The idea that "they did it for my good" etc is very familiar to me, and became very convincing to those who listened to my abuser. Plus he was able to use enough of a grain of truth to make the lies plausible. I, therefore, will not engage with any discussions or negotiations with third parties, even family members, but politely say (in writing) that they do not have full information and therefore thanks for their comments, but I won't be continuing the discussion. Putting forward "my side of the story" just led to that information being fed back to the abuser and him being able to twist it and recreate the story in a new way that equally made me the offender. (And yes, they always accept the (sometimes dramatic) U turns and changes in the story... I honestly don't get it.

I am not telling you whether to engage or not engage... just sharing a tiny part of my story in case it resonates with your situation.

Godparents are frequently chosen because they are close friends of the parents. They will be shocked, stunned and confused at this turn of events. They will, I guarantee you, attempt to play the middle man in this bring bring about a resolution

For OP's sake, this is precisely what worries me

It’s a bit much being told to tell someone IRL then when I do, I’ve not told the right person, it’s worrying I’m in danger.

What do you want me to do? Sit by myself and go slowly mad?

These replies are pressurising me, and not fair. I’ve been through hell, I’ve listened, I’ve read, and I’ve reached out. But I keep being told over and over by some posters I’ve done wrong and be wary - can I do right for doing wrong here? I thought this wasn’t my fault? So why am I being made out that my judgment is so utterly shit?

You know, I’ve had a lifetime of this from my parents. I don’t need this. I’m trying to get support.

I came to update following a convo with the police, but I feel this thread is no longer helpful to me or others in a similar, so I will leave it there.

Sorry you feel like that. I hope you don't feel I've been pressuring you to do anything. I think you're coping admirably and I agree that talking to your godparents was a good idea.

I think some posters get very invested, assume you're the same as them and that you'll automatically face identical problems. But that isn't so.

Good luck, Littlemissdemeanour. I'm sure you'll cope. It comes over in how you talk and in your choice of username.

You are doing amazingly well.
Your parents are toxic and damaging people.
You need they out of your life. Make that decision today.
I am not sure if I was in your shoes I would press charges I think I would like to severe all contact.
You are not alone you have 2 support networks, your friend & your god parents.
You are successful at work, so despite everything you have made a success of your life.
Build your life without your parents & family bit by bit.
Do not engage with them, block them and walk away from them.
Start your healing process bit by bit.
Head held high, deep breather and start being kind to yourself.
You have got this far just one more step.
Good luck

So sorry you feel that way OP.
I can't imagine anyone would deliberately set out to make you feel pressured and sincerely hope that I haven't contributed.

little I hope your chat with the police was productive.

I also hope that when I said about being wary you took on board that I wasn't talking about your judgement but the judgement of others, because they've not lived through what you have. Like I said before, I don't want to be judged by actions taken by certain family members so I understand you not doing that to others too. And TBH that takes a lot of resolve.
I still think you're doing fantastically in exceptionally awful circumstances

That's a shame Littlemissdemeanour, maybe try Stately homes? They are very good there. When i was lc with someone that was a good support.

This isn't your fault. Just keep focused on that. This is a fantastically strong step you are taking, you are right to be cautious rather than rush forward and feel you've done wrong from it.

In the vague hope you're still reading, Stately Homes is a fantastic place on here. Helped me out when my DM cut us off.

As my dm was one of those who likes to be the centre of all relationships, and interfere in them all the time, we've been cut off from all family except for DF as I see him sometimes at an event we both attend. My DF is a flying monkey for her. I don't fully trust him because he means well but doesn't get it. Quite often I have to grey rock him on certain subjects. Tbh thanks to my dm I still sometimes think of him as being the bad guy, but the clarity her cutting us off has given me is that it probably isn't true at all. He's perfectly capable of being a twat mind you, but not as big a one as I've always been lead to believe. My DPs are still together BTW which makes it all stark raving bonkers.

Been following this thread as have similar issues - if you are still reading OP I wish you all the best.

Have been 8 months NC now and just over a month ago an estranged aunt phoned me as a flying monkey and tried to guilt me/act as a go between. I didn't speak to her, DH did, and it immediately became obvious that she had been told a pack of lies. She was completely unaware of all the abusive things that had happened to me. There was massive amounts of insinuation that I was mentally unstable, shouldn't be working etc.

With every fibre of my being I want to tell her my side of the story, I want to have my say for once! But I know I can't trust her and I will be manipulated again. Just not strong enough to withstand manipulation just yet so maintaining strong NC.

It's really hard to know what to do for the best when you are hurting so much. I'm just taking one day at a time l.

Just found this thread. I'm so sorry for what you must be going through. Hope you can find your way through it all in the brat way possible for you. Xxx

*best

You've done nothing wrong. Unfortunately forums attract a high percentage of over zealous posters as well as actually helpful people. Hard to digest when you're fragile.
I really hope you get the support you need. You deserve so much better.

Renarde I am sure you mean well. You may even turn out to be right, who knows, but your posts arent helping the OP at the moment, so might I respectfully suggest you step away for now?

I’m sorry you feel pressured, OP. You are vulnerable right now and stepping back is the right thing to do. This is the difference between talking to people IRL and on a forum - you get to control how many you speak to IRL. (Also, picking your audience, etc.) Abuse is a very emotive subject, and unfortunately, so many of us have been victims.... BUT - everyone is in a different part of the journey and has a different way of coping. Please find ways to nurture yourself and recognize that you have made some smart decisions by contacting the people who you feel support you unconditionally. (Your friend, your godparents, counsellor etc....) I believe you have the emotional intelligence to know what it takes to get yourself through this YOUR way, and to thrive. I really wish you all the very best!