Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

Littlemissdemeanour

There are so many comments and I haven't read them all so I apologise if I have missed the post but what preceded this behaviour from your mother ?

Let me ask you a question: do you really think that someone who can do that to you should be allowed to work with those with mental health issues? Who else is she abusing? How much are other possibly even more vulnerable people being effected by her actions?

I think I would cease all contact and proceed with the police tbh.,

I don’t understand what you mean by what preceded her behaviour?

She’s known to fly off the handle, and 0-100, but nothing of this scale. Although over the years emotionally, you can (with the clarity I’ve now had) begin to see where I’ve been chipped away at.

Good luck with 101 today. You're right, this isn't easy for you at all. I'm glad your friend was a good rl support for you too.

Littlemiss I have just read the whole thread and well done on your strength and courage.

You are right in this is your life, not just some story on the internet and you do have to do what is right for you and in your own time. You are only responsible for what happens to you , not for anybody else.

Regarding the MH work and my mother, she works in an indirect Re with MH and has no decision making ability. Whilst I agree it not ideal, I do not believe anyone is to be negatively impacted on a professional sense. If I did, I would have taken early action.

This is not about my mother and her job though, it’s about the impact a lifetime of my parents has had on me, and managing through dealing with that.

I must now take a judgement on whom I can lean on to support me, and walk with me through a very big battle

And you're absolutely right, but I'd still urge great caution. It's not clear whether your "parents" Skyped their lies to your other relative on their own initiative or if the relative contacted them, but to evil folk negative attention can be just as valuable as none at all and it's all fodder for them to manipulate

Remember, too, that you don't have to prove anything to anyone - except perhaps the police - whether that's by producing stained jumpers, photos or anything else. This is your life rather than some soap opera for others' entertainment and you don't have to let anyone into it unless it's of clear benefit to you. Is the relative you mentioned in a position to help you detach completely, do you think, or are they likely to attempt a potentially dangerous "bridge building" role?

Finally, I'm not sure what the lies about giving police statements on some neighbourhood incident are about, unless they're setting up an excuse as to why they may have to spend time with the police? Either way it seems to be just more toxicity - hopefully something you'll soon be able to wipe from your life completely

You poor thing. Please don’t go on the holiday and please cut ties with your family xxx

Regarding the relative, and I can’t gekieve I find I’m having to justify myself ( I need RL support too!!!), I spoke with my god father and mother. They’re good people, and have been subject to previous incidences in my life, and suffered from the behaviour themselves too.

They were shocked but supportive. They had a pre planned call with my parents as they do every week. They waited to see what would be said, and were presented with the pack of lies. No, I don’t need to justify myself to anyone, but I felt in this situation, and given the two against one thing, I should use the evidence I had (including train tickets), to show to my god parents the scale.

They were more shocked by how normal and jovial my parents were behaving. I am too TBH, but not my concern.

I cannot live the rest of my life with fear and suspicion of everyone, and I won’t. There are many good people in this world who want to support me, and I will not be held back by fear anymore.

I think some posters would rather I was absolutely alone. I ask you, if I was, do you think I would be able to take a truly balanced view and get through this? Could you say honestly the same of yourself, I very much doubt it.

I don’t want to keep having to defend myself- had a lifetime of it. Please do not detail what has become a very supportive thread with putting the fear of god into me about everything and everyone.

Apologies, OP - it took me so long to type my post that I crossed with yours

FWIW I think you're being very wise to discuss this further with the police; they are after all unaffected personally by this horror and hopefully they'll be able to help you with a way forward. I'll be very surprised if Victim Support isn't mentioned and perhaps they could be a help too?

You're also entirely right about the "chipping away" process - indeed that's much of the point in that it's led you to tolerate an unthinkable situation, while allowing your "parents" to excuse their own behaviour. There's almost nothing positive about this new escalation, but at least some good will result if it finally enables you to make the much needed complete break

little I think what people are suggesting is to be a little wary of anyone who your dps may use. They may not see how they are manipulated too and may extend your hurt by trying to do what they think is the right thing. Myself I wouldn't urge you to cut off anyone other than your dps right now, just be wary. I certainly don't want to be judged by the actions of certain members of my family members though, I'm sure you don't want to be judged by your parents actions either so Itotally understand you wanting to not judge your godparents. This isn't going to be a easy path to navigate as you seem more than aware of.

I've seen many a thread on MN go this way OP.

You're in an awful situation/crisis and come here to talk and ask for support. Then people don't always read the whole thread and start bullying you for immediate action.
Why haven't you done this yet?
Why haven't you reported that?
Then it turns into - its your fault your not reporting it or protecting others etc etc.

Then the OP (as I would feel) just disappears as frankly life is hard enough at the moment without defending themselves on MN.

I urge you to keep posting as long as need OP. Keep talking to whoever you feel you need to in RL. You're right, it's your life. Only you know how the land lies.

Thank uki trampire, I do feel like taking off at times

I think some posters would rather I was absolutely alone

I truthfully don't think so, OP; I could be wrong of course, but it seems to me that most are posting out of genuine concern for you - some of us with experience of motives not always being what they at first seem

As I mentioned above, you are what matters here, and of course you know the folk around you and we don't. It's natural and right that you gather support in real life but perhaps worth proceeding with a certain caution, especially at a time when your own "relationship compass" might understandably have been knocked a bit off-centre

Whatever steps you take today, I hope they bring you progress and an increasing peace

The stately homes thread might be helpful for you, Littlemissdemeanour, to talk to about your parents behaviour.

Good luck with 101. Im glad you have some support, i understand that people are advising caution because your parents probably will get some flying monkeys however you are the best judge on who is doing that and who will listen to you.

Oh god. I to have an abusive mother, although not to the extent as yours. Plus it was only my mother, not both.

It has taken me years to comprehend the damage that was done to me. Almost nine years after discovering what a narc was and putting the dots together, I am still suffering from what she did.

You have just really began this journey and it was a pretty traumatising way of being set along that path.

You will go forwards, and backwards, your emotions will go up and down and you will forever be realising something else.

All I can say is that the journey is so so worth it. F**king hard, but so so worth it. You have the chance to change your life for the better now, which is something you parents would never, ever, have allowed you. If they had their way, you would be stuck where you were, at their convenience, for the rest of your days.

What you went through is horrible, but I think they over played their hand and you have more power. Even if you don’t file charges (i think you should btw) and renew contact, this event has placed the idea in your head and later, when you a stronger, you will be able to pull away more.

But that is your journey to take at your own pace. This however is a great way of ripping that plaster off and making that first step.

Good luck

Renarde1975, at no point did I suggest that police action should be OP's top or only priority. If you check I spoke of the importance of her friend's support.

I'm not suggesting Littlemissdemeanour has to do anything. She's reeling from the shock and a sense of loss. Grieving for the truth about her DPs.

Her DPs are using their position in the church and in MH to make themselves look the truthful and reliable ones. Even if only cautioned for their behaviour it will make it much harder to slander the OP or tell people she's lying about what happened. That can only help her move on, endorsed by what the police have said about the situation.

Of course the police can wait though the OP herself has said she's going to contact them.

And yes, I have experience of the police and in more than one context, sadly. They were amazing. Please don't make assumptions.

Can tbe polive caution instead of charge? What are the implications of this?

There's a good link about cautions here, OP: www.askthe.police.uk/content/q562.htm

I don't pretend any expertise in this, but I believe a key point is that the offender has to admit what they've done for a caution to be issued - if they don't, the police can go ahead and charge if they think fit

There may also be implications around your "mother's" role at work, but hopefully the police will be able to give further guidance on this?

I think you are better off asking the police about the caution. I think it will mean that it will be on their record so could be an option.

Good luck with your chat with them op.

Disclaimer: I’ve only read your original post.

What your parents did to you is unforgivable but only you can decide what t f for yourself, your life and your personal safety.

WRT your mum working in mental health - you have a duty to report her. She works with vulnerable people. She shouldn’t. If she works for the local authority and comes into contact with children you can report her to the LADO. If her profession falls within the remit of the HCPC you can report her there. You need to report her to her employer at the very least.

They sound utterly vile.
What they did to you 100% warranted a phone call to the police. You did the right thing.
I would personally take the matter further and make a formal complaint.

You've said you're lonely - have you tried joining any groups/clubs? Xx

My understanding is like puzzled has said, though I'm no expert either. Hopefully the police can tell you if that's correct. I would hazard a guess that your parents are not going to admit what they did.

Whatever you choose to do after talking to them, even if that's just taking your time to decide, I think they'll offer you victim support's number at the very least. If they do, please call them/see them/whatever they offer as its more support in RL.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, OP - it sounds horrific :(
I will say though that the kind of behaviour your parents put you through THRIVES in the dark. They rely on you being cowed and nervous and wanting the "keep the peace" as much as possible so that you keep quiet, meanwhile you can be sure that they will be spreading their lies as quickly and widely as possible.

I know its tempting to not proceed with the police or ask for "just a caution" but that's exactly what they want, it makes their lies much more believable when people can say "well if what littlemiss said was true, the police would have been involved, wouldn't they? So it must be a lie, like her parents said - maybe she is crazy".

You have to do whats best for you, but if you feel up to it, please don't let the fear make you back down on this one. Not just for your sake, but for the sake of the other people under your mothers mental health care. She can't be only like this with you, it's too extreme. What else is she doing behind closed doors to people who are already known as having "mental health issues" and won't be believed?