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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I love my wife dearly but I'm struggling.

113 replies

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 13:44

Afternoon everyone (If anyone reads this)

Ive put off posting here for a while as i was/am worried about the responses i may receive, I am 51 years old and have been with my wife for 12 years, we have nice comfortable life, a nice house, 3 kids separately none together all grown up, we have a nice marriage we trust each other implicitly neither have or ever would have affairs its not in our natures, I love her very much and she me.

She is also in her 50's and has been going through the menopause for a couple of years, we haven't had sex for 7 years and have been sleeping in separate rooms for 3 of those due to hot sweats and trouble sleeping, I did at first accept this as she was not comfortable at night and i guess extra body heat made that worse so i happily moved into the spare room , however we now seem to live completely separate lives, She won't sit with me for dinner she never wants to hold my hand i can't remember the last time she even kissed me, She comes in from work which i will add is a very stressful job and just wants to have something quick to eat then go to bed. An affair is never ever what i would do, I don't want to leave her apart from all these things she doesn't make me unhappy and i love her very much, But its a lonely feeling.

I can't discuss with anyone as id hate for it to get back to her and i feel like the villain moaning because my wife won't kiss me.

Thanks for listening or in this case reading.

OP posts:

PieAndPumpkins · 14/09/2018 13:48

That's very sad, I'm sorry - definitely not a villain for feeling sad at losing the closeness in your relationship.
Can I suggest the obvious... talk to her? Explain how unhappy it makes you that you've become so distant from each other. Ask her out on a date for some special one on one time together?

Boyicantwait2beamumagain · 14/09/2018 13:48

Sounds like you've got stuck a rut have you tried talking to her about how you feel? I'm sure if she saw this post her heart would break for you and she would realise. I'm sure it's not done to hurt you sounds like some bad habits have formed sounds like you both need some time out for the 2 of you maybe a nice weekend away? Surprise her with something small?

eelbecomingforyou · 14/09/2018 13:49

Why do you still love her? She's treating you terribly. Sleeping apart due to the menopause is one thing, but you're living completely separate lives and she's not even acting as if she likes you, let alone loves you.

Time to talk to her - say you need to see real changes in your marriage or you will end it, I think.

Good luck.

Original poster

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 13:50

Thank you for the replies, I have tried.
A few months back i suggested we go down to the coast for the day, Have lunch or even a coffee by the sea front she said no and suggested that i should go if i wanted too.
Its not done in malice she's the most wonderful woman I've ever met let alone had the pleasure of sending my life with, But its like living with my sister.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 13:52

Sounds pretty miserable. Would you be OK with just hand-holding and kissing etc. but no sex?

PieAndPumpkins · 14/09/2018 13:55

Did you ask her why she didn't want to go out with you? Have you told her you're unhappy? If you've told her this and she doesn't care enough to change, you aren't mentally her husband anymore. I would suggest figuring out if you can continue living with your sister or if you want to tell her you want to move on with your life.

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 13:57

My sister would probably go with me to the seaside...

Magik1 · 14/09/2018 13:58

You need to sit down with her and talk to her seriously about this situation. Try explain it from the point of view of how it’s making you feel and not what her actions are if you get my drift. You both deserve to be happy in this life and it sounds like you’re not happy so you need to try tackle it somehow. I understand you’ve suggested trips out but maybe you need to suggest couples counselling or Relate.
You’re only 51, there’s a long time left to be miserable so the choice is yours to make.

Original poster

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 13:59

I could live with the no sex yes! But i miss having a cuddle on the sofa, Holding hands when shopping all that soppy stuff! I did wonder if its because I've got old gone a bit grey, But i look after myself I'm well groomed and always have been.

OP posts:

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 14/09/2018 14:01

Oh OP she sounds like she’s madly avoiding talking to you about it. Saying you should go to the seaside on your own, honestly.

I think you need to be a bit more blunt ‘I’m unhappy and I really need to talk to you about it. When and where can we do that?’

Singlenotsingle · 14/09/2018 14:04

It sounds very lonely. Even if she's just gone off sex, she could at least give you kisses, cuddles and companionship. There doesn't seem much point anywise. It's just a business relationship. Are you sure there isn't an OM lurking in the background?

HoleyCoMoley · 14/09/2018 14:04

Do you think she could be depressed, the menopause is a great life changer for many women, they can feel unattractive and old and saggy, and sex can be painful, do you know if she saw a doctor, went onto HRT for her symptoms. You sound a very caring person, have you suggested twin beds in the same room, at least you'd be together at night. Is she having problems at work that she can't discuss for some reason.

Original poster

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 14:07

I knew people would suggest the possibility of an affair on her side, but id put my life on this not being the case, she isn't the kind of woman, We have no worries with each other on that side of things. I think she does feel unattractive she's gained weight since the menopause and doesn't do any exercise but i love her, always have always will i did tell her this.
Her job is incredibly stressful and she works long hours as we both do.

OP posts:

SinkGirl · 14/09/2018 14:13

She sounds like she’s struggling with depression to me, and the effect of menopause can be absolutely horrendous. Has she seen her doctor, tried HRT etc? Sounds like you’re both miserable and it’s so sad.

Honeyroar · 14/09/2018 14:13

That sounds very sad. You sound like a loving, caring husband.

I think that you need to ask her to have a serious talk. Tell her you're feeling sad and lonely. She needs to realise she's jeopardising the marriage.

One of my best friends is like this with her husband. She did it with her ex too, then got all upset when he had an affair. She seems to think that because she can deal with the seperate living he should too. She thinks it's easier than splitting up and means she doesn't lose the house. I think it's wrong and actually quite selfish. I tell her they need to go for counselling, which she's considering now.

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 14:16

Doesn't sound impossible, in that case, from your side at least - we don't know what's going on in her head.

I wonder if she has gone right off sex (finds it actively unpleasant right now) and sees hand-holding and kissing as potentially leading to sex, so is avoiding them so as to avoid sex?

Or perhaps, despite what you tell her, she feels really unsexy and has a negative self-image.

Or maybe she's bored or fancies someone else, you never know.

I think the way to go here might be joint counselling, to work out wtf is going on. A third party can be really helpful in that respect. You could try framing it as "I think you are unhappy too and I want to invest in our happiness".

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 14:17

Have you seen the film The Children Act? Maybe take her to that!

Ngaio2 · 14/09/2018 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kaznet · 14/09/2018 14:20

I agree with others your going to have to be explicit with her. Tell her you need to talk to her rather than invite her on a day out.
Tell her you're not happy with the way things are , suggest counselling?

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 14:21

Affairs are not something that are in certain people's "nature" and not others, you know. Really not. My ex never thought he'd have one, until he did. And you might be as sure as you like that you are not going to have an affair, but you simply cannot say what goes on in her head. It's presumptuous - almost offensive - to think you can. She is not that transparent.

Vitalogy · 14/09/2018 14:26

Is there any chance you could both cut your working hours down or is this just not an option?

DiegoMad0nna · 14/09/2018 14:26

I think you need to tell her exactly what you've told everyone in this thread. Don't start with the stuff about sex, start with talking about how lonely you feel in a relationship where she won't have a meal with you, hold hands, go out and do things, etc.

In a strong relationship you should be able to openly communicate your feelings to one another, especially big things like this!

Rudgie47 · 14/09/2018 14:26

It sounds like you have both split up anyway.
I'd talk to her and if nothing moves forward then I'd split with her. You cant carry on like this, its worse than being single.Your totally alone in your marriage.

Original poster

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 14:27

We are both retiring in a few years, the Jobs we are in the retirement age is 55 so we are almost there.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 14/09/2018 14:30

Definitely talk to her, she knows there’s a problem and is probably burying her head in the sand, especially if her job is stressful as it will feel like too much to deal with. The one thing I will say is avoid mentioning sex, focus on how lonely you feel and the separate lives thing because (if she’s anything like me anyway) the minute you mention the lack of intimacy she will feel like you just want to get your leg over.

My DH was utterly miserable, our relationship had deteriorated in a similar way and I had pretty much checked out tbh. I knew things were bad but every time we spoke about it he would bring up the lack of sex and intimacy and I would write his concerns off as ‘typical man, only interested in one thing’. It meant I failed to hear his loneliness, how much he missed us being close and how much it hurt him that we weren’t.

It wasn’t until he started to tell me in different terms that I understood, it wasn’t about sex, it was about no longer feeling we were a team and losing that connection with the person he loved. He talked about having no one to share things with, no one to talk to about his day and feeling completely alone in a house full of people and then I got it. I’m ashamed now that I didn’t see it before, I think back over all those arguments now and I can see what he was trying to make me understand but at the time I just felt like it was all about sex.

It’s tonnes better now, we’ve reconnected emotionally and the intimacy had returned as a result, it’s taken time but things are good again now. Your DW probably feels so distant from you right now that any intimacy (even handholding or a peck on the cheek if things are as bad as they were for us) feels weird and ‘wrong’, you need to connect emotionally again before that will change. Talk to her, pour your heart out and let her see how much you’re hurting, it may not work in your case but at least you will have tried.

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