I love my wife dearly but I'm struggling.

[Lonelyhubby]

Afternoon everyone (If anyone reads this)

Ive put off posting here for a while as i was/am worried about the responses i may receive, I am 51 years old and have been with my wife for 12 years, we have nice comfortable life, a nice house, 3 kids separately none together all grown up, we have a nice marriage we trust each other implicitly neither have or ever would have affairs its not in our natures, I love her very much and she me.

She is also in her 50's and has been going through the menopause for a couple of years, we haven't had sex for 7 years and have been sleeping in separate rooms for 3 of those due to hot sweats and trouble sleeping, I did at first accept this as she was not comfortable at night and i guess extra body heat made that worse so i happily moved into the spare room , however we now seem to live completely separate lives, She won't sit with me for dinner she never wants to hold my hand i can't remember the last time she even kissed me, She comes in from work which i will add is a very stressful job and just wants to have something quick to eat then go to bed. An affair is never ever what i would do, I don't want to leave her apart from all these things she doesn't make me unhappy and i love her very much, But its a lonely feeling.

I can't discuss with anyone as id hate for it to get back to her and i feel like the villain moaning because my wife won't kiss me.

Thanks for listening or in this case reading.

She's never been overly affectionate no, But we did used to have a good sex life and we would cuddle up and watch a film, Someone said further up do i take things further, no for two reasons one because theres nothing to lead anything on from and two no i would simply love my wife to come home from work and give me a hug and just say hi, rather than the hi I'm going for a bath that i currently get.

Also may i add, leaving isn't something i want or would ever consider we have built a life together a good life and were both looking forward to retirement, i would and could never leave her. I just want to hold my wife.

Im really sorry if I've offended anyone with this post i see my wife in nothing but a lovely positive light & i merely don't mention anything because i don't want her to think I'm unhappy

God, don't be such a martyr. You're being such a stereotypical "man" right now. Maybe your wife would feel closer to you if you weren't always hiding your emotions.

God this is so sad to read. I really think you need to try and broach it somehow.
Don’t be afraid of it, nothing ventured nothing gained. And I mean a proper, can we sit down and talk about us. No one else around. No distractions.
Lack of affection is really terrible, if you’re the kind of person who needs it.

And you have to face facts. You are unhappy.

Both looking forward to retirement? Have you made any plans?

@DiegoMad0nna
Bit harsh. Lots of people struggle to know how to deal with things and they are scared, so they react in a way that is safe for them.

Seriously, man up. If you actually were honest with her with your feelings and told her what you really felt rather than pussyfooting around her like a hurt puppy she might actually look at you differently and respect you again.

Bit harsh. Lots of people struggle to know how to deal with things and they are scared, so they react in a way that is safe for them

No offence intended, OP, okay? It's just the whole "unhappy man who refuses to share his emotions" thing is such a cliché.

And it's especially tragic since 99% of women would prefer their husbands were more open about how they feel.

Oh I’m so sorry how sad to hear this. You sound like she means the world to you.

Unfortunately it’s a case of that she needs to listen to your needs and provide them. She’s taken her marriage vows to do so and though I understand menopause is extremely difficult on women it’s come to the point where she is choosing to be selfish now.

All I can suggest is tell her straight up that you can’t continue to live like this, and maybe suggest couples therapy?

Other possibility is that something is going on in her head that she had not communicated to you.

I wish you all the best and really hope for you that you both go back to your everyday loving marriage

I’ve also just read your updates that you don’t want to communicate this to her. This is pussyfooting unfortunately and a lot of people do it. If you do not communicate, and this situation carries on, you are just as to blame as she is.

Women aren’t mindreaders. You owe this to her to express your feelings, just as much as she owes you to listen and adapt her behaviour to fox the marriage

Fix... not fox

@Honeyroar
No wonder this world is utterly fucked with people like you giving advice
Man up!!! Jesus. Christ

@DiegoMad0nna
But you don’t know his wife! How on earth do you know that’s what she would prefer.
He hasn’t really given the impression she’s a demonstrative person.

I’m always astounded at these threads. Maybe op should do some more washing up! That’ll solve it

I’m always astounded at these threads. Maybe op should do some more washing up! That’ll solve it

Eh? They're not really comparable are they? All relationships benefit from open, honest communication. Or do you think there are people out there who prefer that their partners are miserable but don't tell them about it?

You yourself said he needs to tell her about it! I don't know if you're confused, but you're certainly confusing me.

You should talk to her and be completely honest. She doesn't seem to treat you with care or respect. You sound a bit blinded by love to be honest, sorry that you're in this situation. I think if talking doesn't improve things then splitting up would be a very understandable option.

I don’t think it’s as easy as some posters are saying. When you have known someone for a long time you can usually guess their reaction. You sound sweet but I think you will have to have the conversation and if nothing improves maybe you should be considering a different retirement?

Jeeze Lowtide, heaven forbid anyone should think differently to you!!

I did suggest, pages back, he spoke to his wife, was honest, as many others did, to which he said he couldn't possibly do anything etc. My "man up" (and I might have said "woman up" to a female in the same position) just meant "Buck up, sort yourself out". Sometimes if you don't act in life nothing changes. Seven years of a unhappy, loveless marriage is awful.

Similar experience when my wife finally ended things it was a relief. In hindsight I don't think I'd loved her for sometime more that I loved how we were and the ideal of marriage.

@Honeyroar
I don’t think people should not think differently to me. I just hate the phrase man up. And I hate woman up!
I think we all agree, but I think men on here get some harsher language.
Anyone that’s come on here has taken a step to understanding and to dealing with thief problems. If they wanted inaction they wouldn’t bother being here at all.

Millions of people live with their heads in the sand through fear and anyone who takes the steps to even ask the outside works, has some consciousness of what they need to do.

Their! Not theif !

Sounds suspiciously like a codependent style relationship OP. I'm in a very similar situation, I have tried to talk to DW but tend to get shut down. I don't know if that's because she fears the conversation as much as me, or if she is as conflict averse as me. I do know it isn't healthy, and I do know I need to communicate about it. The struggle is plucking up the courage.

No advice, but lots of sympathy and empathy. This toxic masculinity thing is crap.

Well it’s all over and you just have to decide how much longer you will put up with it. The nice house, the nice family, the nice wife. It’s all an illusion and by illusions we all live.

Your life is just the same as everybody else’s, passion does not last more than a year or so. Life is mostly boring and mundane and that is if you are extremely fortunate.

You are particularly blessed if you don’t have financial problems.

Stop moaning and get a hobby. Fishing.

Poppy is right.
A lot of it is illusion , and mundane. There is no normal.
It sounds like you do not want to rock the boat anyway.
You also say both of you would never have an affair, and you would or could never leave. No-one can really say what the future holds for them . Life can sometimes bring the unexpected into lives .