I love my wife dearly but I'm struggling.

[Lonelyhubby]

Afternoon everyone (If anyone reads this)

Ive put off posting here for a while as i was/am worried about the responses i may receive, I am 51 years old and have been with my wife for 12 years, we have nice comfortable life, a nice house, 3 kids separately none together all grown up, we have a nice marriage we trust each other implicitly neither have or ever would have affairs its not in our natures, I love her very much and she me.

She is also in her 50's and has been going through the menopause for a couple of years, we haven't had sex for 7 years and have been sleeping in separate rooms for 3 of those due to hot sweats and trouble sleeping, I did at first accept this as she was not comfortable at night and i guess extra body heat made that worse so i happily moved into the spare room , however we now seem to live completely separate lives, She won't sit with me for dinner she never wants to hold my hand i can't remember the last time she even kissed me, She comes in from work which i will add is a very stressful job and just wants to have something quick to eat then go to bed. An affair is never ever what i would do, I don't want to leave her apart from all these things she doesn't make me unhappy and i love her very much, But its a lonely feeling.

I can't discuss with anyone as id hate for it to get back to her and i feel like the villain moaning because my wife won't kiss me.

Thanks for listening or in this case reading.

I think a good talk is the only way forwards.

By that I mean starting with s declaration of love but asking if there’s anything she thinks can be done to improve things as although you like having seperate hobbies etc, you’ve become aware that your life together isn’t as strong as it once was and you miss her. Before you do, think of some little things you could suggest you do that she might appreciate so it’s not seen as you having s problem with her.

Hopefully doing it way will be seen in a more positive light.

You sound defeated - you are only 51! Go out, do things, book dinners out, music gigs, live a little. And most importantly, talk to her and tell her how you feel. My husband is in his mid 60s and we snuggle/hug/and even have sex (shocking) when DC aren't around to chaperone! You definitely need to get the mojo back...

Evening, I have booked us a holiday we're off on holiday just me & her in a few weeks time, shes excited but her first comment was did you get a twin room? 😢
We shall see. Thanks for all suggestions.

I really feel for you op. You sound lovely but I really feel you’re flogging a dead horse here!
She asked if you’d booked twin rooms?! She felt the need to ask that?!

We went away the other month & we had to sleep in the same bed for the night & she absolutely hated it! She was so uncomfortable she was nearly hanging off the side of the bed. I do think you're all right, maybe she has found someone else. Maybe I'm naive

This is a sad post op and I sympathise. However, I also think I know where your wife is coming from. Working full time in a stressful job once you hit your 50s is very different from how one feels I’m their 30s for example. Especially if you are also struggling with an unpleasant menopause. I would be more than capable of moving into another bedroom and saying little more than ‘Hi how are you?’ Before disappearing upstairs on my own to watch crap tv. Not because I don’t love dh, but because between work, caring for elderly parent , worrying about adult dc and struggling with hot flushes, insomnia and moods swings, leaves me exhausted. However, in the nicest way Dh was upfront after a few months and told me while he understood my point, we were not being a couple anymore, just housemates. I was disgruntled at first, but it did make me realise how lonely and unhappy he was with the situation. Things are still far from perfect, but I check myself more often now and try to spend quality time with dh. We go out for nice meals, have mini breaks and while if I’m honest, they don’t excite me as much as a night alone with a cuppa and a book, I appreciate he is the man I love and chose to marry and that it would be very unfair to ignore this. Please talk to your wife, she deserves that as much as you do.

You are being given really bad advice on here ... she's checked out .. it's up to you how you handle it ..

So had I Ali, didn’t mean it was over. I’ve checked back in now, just glad DH stuck around til I was ready to.

You do need to talk to her about your feelings you know. Life is too damn short, it's not a trial run. If she cares about you she will want to know you are unhappy. I think you feel better having your head in the sand in case you find out she doesn't care in any way that isn't platonic. But at least then you'd know. I feel so sad reading your posts, for you both.

Oh dear, Lonely - whether she's found someone else or not, it does seem like she's turned right off you, so sorry!
Perhaps you could ask her why - although be prepared for personal home truths - but it may not be reclaimable.

Having said that, my best friend married a guy who she'd been seeing for a while a few years before, but then went right off him physically. They stayed good friends but she could never imagine being with him properly again, not for ages - and then suddenly it clicked back on and they got married a year later. No idea why (nor does she, to be fair) but it can happen.

You still need to talk to her though.

I've not read the whole thread, but I suggest you look to build a social life outside of your marriage. You aren't going to leave her...so you need to find enjoyment elsewhere. Take up a sport...join a club
Your wife has checked out of the marriage. It's convenient to share bills with you at the moment.

You have no shared children...so less reason to stick it out...unless you want to be a matyr and feel you don't deserve a better relationship than this.

@Lonelyhubby
Life's too short to live like that.

I doubt she has any respect left you.

Half a century and your celibate! How many men would put up with that?

I'd be saying an open marriage or I'm off.... assuming I wanted to stay... which in your situation I wouldn't.

Twin rooms? it's a joke tbh.

You're like flatmates.

Hi OP, I haven't read every post so forgive if repeating. I think posters criticising your separate sleeping arrangements are just plain wrong. Disrupted sleep for whatever reason is very hard especially if you have to get up for work and be compus mentus.
You could consider having separate duvets on the bed. Possibly a lighter / lower tog for her and scope for her to easily get up, toss and turn if she needs to. How about just lying on the bed together watching a movie with a bottle of wine one night, no strings attached?
I think on a broader note, you've just got to ask her is she's happy in your relationship. Bite the bullet. You surely cannot carry on like this for the rest of your lives. Maybe she should worried that sex might be painful or something? What about suggesting some counselling sessions....got to be worth a go hasn't it?