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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I love my wife dearly but I'm struggling.

113 replies

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 13:44

Afternoon everyone (If anyone reads this)

Ive put off posting here for a while as i was/am worried about the responses i may receive, I am 51 years old and have been with my wife for 12 years, we have nice comfortable life, a nice house, 3 kids separately none together all grown up, we have a nice marriage we trust each other implicitly neither have or ever would have affairs its not in our natures, I love her very much and she me.

She is also in her 50's and has been going through the menopause for a couple of years, we haven't had sex for 7 years and have been sleeping in separate rooms for 3 of those due to hot sweats and trouble sleeping, I did at first accept this as she was not comfortable at night and i guess extra body heat made that worse so i happily moved into the spare room , however we now seem to live completely separate lives, She won't sit with me for dinner she never wants to hold my hand i can't remember the last time she even kissed me, She comes in from work which i will add is a very stressful job and just wants to have something quick to eat then go to bed. An affair is never ever what i would do, I don't want to leave her apart from all these things she doesn't make me unhappy and i love her very much, But its a lonely feeling.

I can't discuss with anyone as id hate for it to get back to her and i feel like the villain moaning because my wife won't kiss me.

Thanks for listening or in this case reading.

OP posts:

DiegoMad0nna · 14/09/2018 15:25

The poor woman is probably on another mirror thread to this one...

Right? OP, what if she's thinking:

"I don't think i could approach this with him, I think i just needed to vent my feelings in safe environment, I will never leave him and if this is the life he's happy with then i guess i have to remain like it. I'd hope he would speak to me if he wasn't happy. I just wouldn't want to upset him or make him feel anything negative"

Fairylea · 14/09/2018 15:26

Has she ever been affectionate - as in holding hands etc- or is all this quite recent? Did something stressful / life changing happen around the time the affection stopped?

Vitalogy · 14/09/2018 15:26

Why? Clearly you wouldn't, so why would she? This is it. When the communication stops it's the beginning of the end. This can be helped though if you talk with each other!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/09/2018 15:37

Hmmm - silly question, but do you take any sign of physical intimacy as a lead-in to more?
What I mean is, if she were to give you cuddles, physical affection, would you get your hopes up that it might lead to something else, and change your behaviour? It might be a "self-defence" mechanism on her part if she's really not interested in sex.

But otherwise, it sounds like there are problems - you're leading pretty separate lives and she doesn't seem to have any inclination to re-connect with you, which is a bit sad. I don't think telling her to leave her job will have helped at all though, even though it might be high-stress and time-consuming, it will still be important to her.

I agree though that you need to have a chat with her about your loneliness - not about the lack of physical intimacy so much, and certainly not about the lack of sex - but the "togetherness" that you are missing. I hope you find a way through this.

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 15:42

If you won't give her the chance to work on your marriage, perhaps you could at least work on yourself and try gong to counselling alone. It sounds like you are so afraid of being left alone that you are willing to put up with anything. But that does not make for a good marriage. Therapy might help you work out why you are unable to say what you need, and understand what effect that has on you both.

Maliali · 14/09/2018 15:55

Another one saying you need to talk about this. You love her dearly that much is clear. If we all assume your DW is happy with the situation as it is, then my question is, why is her happiness more important than yours? You sound lonely and that’s totally understandable from what you describe.

If a friend came to you and told you what you’ve written in your first post, what would you tell them?

The hardest thing is feeling lonely within a relationship. I’ve been there and found it soul destroying and depressing. I’m honestly far less lonely now I live on my own. You deserve more and the only way I think this can be improved is to be really honest about how you feel and by asking her how she feels.

I really hope you can take the first step and that things can be improved.

Hidingtonothing · 14/09/2018 15:59

I just wouldn't want to upset her or make her feel anything negative.

Why would you assume it would make her feel anything negative? Maybe it wouldn’t, maybe she would be relieved that you broached it, maybe she’s scared to and just needs you to open the conversation, maybe it would make her feel positive things rather than negative.

Assumption created so many problems in our marriage, we’ve both been guilty of thinking we know how each other is thinking or feeling and it’s only now we realise how wrong we both were. You can’t possibly know how she’s feeling unless you ask her and you may well find that what you assume about her couldn’t be further from the truth.

Would you honestly rather carry on as you are indefinitely than risk an honest exchange of feelings? I wonder if the PP who asked whether you’re afraid she will end it hit the nail on the head but it seems risky to me to carry on as you are, neither of you are happy and she could just as easily end it because you don't talk.

Alicatz66 · 14/09/2018 16:00

I was that woman .. I'm not proud of it .. I'd checked out ... I called it a day .. both me and ex now very happy with new partners .. good luck to you OP .. you sound a lovely bloke

BackInTheRoom · 14/09/2018 16:00

Google John Gottman and his credentials OP. Seek out his YouTube vids or maybe download his books?

You need to get Intimacy back. 'Turning Toward' instead of 'Turning Away' from each other. She sounds utterly exhausted to me, surviving as opposed to living and you're missing out on 'Bids for Connection' because she isn't around for this to happen. I'm sure I read that doing something 'novel' can bring you closer? How about you book something fun you two haven't done together, a new experience, and then see what the dynamic is? Maybe then you could talk about the relationship whilst you're both in a different setting/mindset?

BackInTheRoom · 14/09/2018 16:05

@Lonelyhubby

Go check out Indoor Skydiving!

subspace · 14/09/2018 16:07

I feel for you. I'm sad that you think she'd speak to you if she wasn't happy but that you can't speak to her and risk upsetting her. I think it can be done gently and sensitively and that actually, your needs aren't being met, of course she might get upset when you vocalise it, but it's okay if that happens, she's allowed to feel pain too.

How about starting with a "hi love, I could do with chatting a few things over with you, can we have dinner together tomorrow night?" And start with your concern for her: how is she really with the menopause these days? Is she happy with her work? Is there anything you can do to help anything? Then say you love her very much, and appreciate that things change as we get older but that you miss having dinner or even just a cup of coffee with her, you miss the odd hug or hand squeeze, and you wonder if she misses any of that too?

TimeForDebate · 14/09/2018 16:12

The menopause can be vile - depression, painful sex, anxiety attacks, sadness over lost youth and looks, the end of fertility etc can be awful for women, and there is still a lot of hit and miss approaches to supporting us through it. There are some heartrending posts from women in my Menopause Facebook group. Us trying to cope with what the hell is happening to us can leave our poor chaps bewildered too. So it's time to talk, to listen, to support her through it.

RedSaidBread · 14/09/2018 16:13

If you really loved each other you wouldn't both sit there without communicating. Clearly she's unhappy, as are you.

Have you ever considered that maybe by refusing to talk to one another you are both showing each other a complete lack of love and respect?

Also this saying you'll keep quiet because you love her is bollocks - is love about suffering in silence for someone? Youre denying her and yourself the chance of a meaningful connection. Familiarity is not love. It's not even knowing someone. I'd hazard a guess neither of you has the slightest clue who the other is at this stage. So why not at least try to find out?

Singlenotsingle · 14/09/2018 16:32

I don't think it's right to blame the menopause for everything that goes wrong at this age. Not everyone suffers problems. Certainly I just sailed through it without really noticing. No hot flushes or anything else.

RavenLG · 14/09/2018 16:45

Aw love, this is so sad

I don't think i could approach this with her, I think i just needed to vent my feelings in safe environment, I will never leave her and if this is the life she's happy with then i guess i have to remain like it. Maybe one day she will want me again

I just wouldn't want to upset her or make her feel anything negative.

You need to talk to her or your mental health will suffer. I’ve been going through a hard time with anxiety, depression and insomnia, and it has affected my relationship with DP. Although it’s only been a few months I could tell he was unhappy and feeling unloved (despite getting engaged in June!). We’ve talked and I’ve explained how I feel. I can’t help the way I’m feeling, and as hard as it was to talk to him it helped me understand his feelings.

You need to speak to her regardless, it will be uncomfortable for her but it could help her too. Please don’t spend your life unhappy!!!

ordinaryman · 14/09/2018 16:51

As face-to-face discussions were either too subtle / awkward to get anywhere, or were decending into argument, I was advised to write my wife a letter instead. This I did, which had the advantage of being able to choose my words carefully, avoid direct conflict, make sure I had put down everything I wanted to say, express my love, what I wanted to happen and give her the opportunity to respond likewise.

Great in practice, but went down like a lead balloon in my case, so be prepared for that if you do it.

However, I'm still glad I did it. Everything I said I meant and although her response was negative, it was at least a response so I know where she is at.

Shampaincharly · 14/09/2018 16:58

@Singlenotsingle , you are very fortunate then .
Some have a horrendous time.

Shampaincharly · 14/09/2018 17:05

@Lonelyhubby , you DO chat , giggle , sometimes have dinner , go shopping but there is no real intimacy.
You have to ask her why and let her know you are not happy with that.
Maybe the situation can be resolved.

Prettyvase · 14/09/2018 17:11

Do you share household tasks or is it down to her in addition to her job?

Could you offer massages, reflexology etc..may be research how to do it and ask her to be your customer?

Anon90 · 14/09/2018 17:17

I ended a relationship because i came dangerously close to an affair. And i cant stand cheating. Never ever thought id find myself in that position.

Likewise i know people whove been cheated on, who obviously think cheating is awful, but will go on to persue married people.

I know people who will actively persue someones partner for revenge.

You cant predict how people will behave in a given situation.

Anon90 · 14/09/2018 17:18

I dont necessarily think your wife is cheating btw. Im just saying dont rule anything out. If i couldnt get her to talk id start looking for clues elsewhere though.

bastardkitty · 14/09/2018 17:19

You're being far too nice OP. It's completely unacceptable and horribly lonely. Why did her previous relationship end? Do you have a history of relationships where the other person is emotionally unavailable? It's no way to live.

Rudgie47 · 14/09/2018 17:25

I think you just need to ask her straight, do you want to stay married and work on our marriage or split up?
No point faffing about, get her asked and then you can start making plans afterwards.You cant be going on like this for another few years.

Original poster

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 19:35

Im really sorry if I've offended anyone with this post i see my wife in nothing but a lovely positive light & i merely don't mention anything because i don't want her to think I'm unhappy, I am unhappy but i guess this stuff is only a small aspect of our lives we are happy in every other way.

All i meant by her giving up work is i know how stressed she gets and she's nearly retiring anyway so i simply suggested we could financially cope if she wanted to retire earlier than planned. Thank you for all the advice it is nice to simply speak out loud about it.

OP posts:

Isitovernow · 14/09/2018 19:47

Hi there.

It's great you're both so close to retirement and it's good that you are invested in this marriage and I really hope you can get through to your wife.

I feel like the villain moaning because my wife won't kiss me

I've no idea why you'd feel like this...surely love and affection is part of what a marriage is? I know you say you've spoken to her but I do think you need to persevere and try to get through to her.

I know it's obvious and you probably have but surprising her to a bouquet of flowers, a homecooked meal, her favourite chocolates, foot massage etc. could work well before getting in to the important chat. Best of luck to you. You sound lovely and I'm sure a bit of grey hair has nothing to do with any of this

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