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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I love my wife dearly but I'm struggling.

113 replies

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 13:44

Afternoon everyone (If anyone reads this)

Ive put off posting here for a while as i was/am worried about the responses i may receive, I am 51 years old and have been with my wife for 12 years, we have nice comfortable life, a nice house, 3 kids separately none together all grown up, we have a nice marriage we trust each other implicitly neither have or ever would have affairs its not in our natures, I love her very much and she me.

She is also in her 50's and has been going through the menopause for a couple of years, we haven't had sex for 7 years and have been sleeping in separate rooms for 3 of those due to hot sweats and trouble sleeping, I did at first accept this as she was not comfortable at night and i guess extra body heat made that worse so i happily moved into the spare room , however we now seem to live completely separate lives, She won't sit with me for dinner she never wants to hold my hand i can't remember the last time she even kissed me, She comes in from work which i will add is a very stressful job and just wants to have something quick to eat then go to bed. An affair is never ever what i would do, I don't want to leave her apart from all these things she doesn't make me unhappy and i love her very much, But its a lonely feeling.

I can't discuss with anyone as id hate for it to get back to her and i feel like the villain moaning because my wife won't kiss me.

Thanks for listening or in this case reading.

OP posts:

Vitalogy · 14/09/2018 14:35

Right, so 3 or 4 more years. Maybe this'll be the make or break time.

Daffodil2018 · 14/09/2018 14:37

Gosh, you've been together 12 years and not had sex for 7 of those? Have you told her how the lack of intimacy makes you feel? I think you should be honest with her. I can't see the situation improving unless you both communicate openly about it.

MinaPaws · 14/09/2018 14:38

In what way is she the most wonderful woman you've ever met? She sounds cold and unresponsive, lacking in empathy towards your needs and lacking any focus on improving your relationship.

In your position I'd tell her you need to talk. tell her you are beyond lonely and isolated in this marriage and if she has no interest in socialising with you, having even basic daily contact with you and no physical contact either, then you'd be better off separated. Because you would. Tell her you love her and want it to work but it can't be one sided. She has to recognise what jeopardy the marriage is in. If she cares, she'll make an effort. If she doesn't, well, I don't think you'd have to look too far or hard to find a woman who is more ready to enjoy life with you than your wife is.

springydaff · 14/09/2018 14:38

Whatever is going on with her it isn't acceptable to completely neglect you and her marriage. If she neglected her career to this extent she'd be out of a job.

How utterly soul-destroying for you. She is treating you very poorly, whether she means to or not. There is no excuse. She hasn't even made an attempt to explain or try to discuss.

I think you need to spell out very clearly that this needs to be addressed. You need to step up and be counted in this marriage.

beachysandy81 · 14/09/2018 14:51

That sounds so lonely. Just tell her how you feel, her reaction should tell you whether there is a future to your relationship or not. Sorry you are having to go through this.

greendale17 · 14/09/2018 14:56

Despite what you think she isn’t a lovely woman.

What kind of lovely woman treats anyone let alone her husband the way she does?

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 14:58

I think HidingtoNothing explained it very well above. This is not about people being either lovely or not lovely. No-one is only one or the other.

LanguidLobster · 14/09/2018 15:01

Actually this is slightly sweeter than many of similar threads on here - before I clicked on it I thought it would be about sex but you're talking about little marks of affection like a kiss or holding hands.

Yes talk to her, you need some affection, it's cruel to withhold that.

We all need a bit of stroking and love

Fairylea · 14/09/2018 15:04

Working all day and coming home to go to bed sounds miserable, if that’s what you’re both doing. Can you cut back somehow / downsize / work fewer hours? Stress is such a soul killer. It sounds like your wife is depressed. It doesn’t mean it’s right to treat you the way she is but I think it sounds like she needs to completely overhaul her life.

Original poster

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 15:10

Genuinely appreciate all the messages here, I don't think i could approach this with her, I think i just needed to vent my feelings in safe environment, I will never leave her and if this is the life she's happy with then i guess i have to remain like it. Maybe one day she will want me again.

We are going away with some friends in December maybe some intimacy will appear then.

I have told her to quit her job and that i would do my best to support the both of us but she is independent.

OP posts:

Robin2323 · 14/09/2018 15:10

The menopause has a lot to answer for!
It's like second puberty and you know how hard that is.
I felt like everything was out of my control.
I could feel myself being a cow to my husband (also separate beds ) but I just couldn't do anything about it.
Till I realised I had some serious competition for the position of wife.
And yes also someone else 'who' would never do that.
It was the loneliness for him too.
I just wasn't listening.
All well now Back in the same bed :)
but just talk to her.
And make her listen.
If I could go back and do one thing it would be to make myself listen.
Good luck.

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 15:11

I doubt she is happy with it.

Non-communication is horrible.

DiegoMad0nna · 14/09/2018 15:13

How do you know she's happy with it if you don't talk to her about it?

Esspee · 14/09/2018 15:14

Clearly things are far from right and you deserve more.
If you were a woman the responses would be that the marriage was over and you should move out.
If you cannot solve this problem then perhaps you need to move on and find someone who can fulfill your needs.
I wish you well.

Original poster

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 15:15

Id hope she would speak to me if she wasn't happy, I am probably painting a terrible picture, I mean we do chat, Sometimes we sit & have dinner together we do laugh, we go shopping occasionally we do have a giggle when shopping, But if i go for her hand she just pulls away she doesn't like public displays which is fine but at home is the same, We went to a christening a few months back and everyone was walking into the town hall hand in hand with husbands and wives and she was about 3 couples ahead of me we walked in separately.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 14/09/2018 15:17

She’s not happy, she works and sleeps from the sound of it and that’s not a life for her either. Why don’t you think you could approach it with her?

Original poster

Lonelyhubby · 14/09/2018 15:18

'Hidingtonothing'

I just wouldn't want to upset her or make her feel anything negative.

OP posts:

AlmaGeddon · 14/09/2018 15:18

Are you sat at home watching TV in the evenings or are you off to the gym/ clubs/ golf course/ cinema?
She is possibly drained after work and can't be bothered to do much else. But if you appeared to have friends you are socialising and having fun with without her she might see you in s different light or it might pique her interest in you.

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 15:19

There are plenty of reasons why she might not talk to you. She might be ashamed, she might think it is pointless, she might think you would misunderstand, she might be saying to herself "I don't think I could approach this with him, if this is the life he's happy with then i guess i have to remain like it".

I can't for the life of me imagine why you would think it is OK to "tell" her to stop working, as if she was so useless she needs you to take care of her and can't do her job properly, but are unwilling to talk to her about your everyday life.

Vitalogy · 14/09/2018 15:20

OP, are you afraid if you approach her with all that you've said on this thread that she'll say end it?

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 15:21

Why would she feel negative about her own husband opening up his heart and being honest to her, rather than acting all happy-happy as if all is well, when it very clearly is not? I'd find the latter soul-destroying.

DiegoMad0nna · 14/09/2018 15:21

Id hope she would speak to me if she wasn't happy

Why? Clearly you wouldn't, so why would she?

ravenmum · 14/09/2018 15:23

The poor woman is probably on another mirror thread to this one...

Bluecloudyskies · 14/09/2018 15:23

I think you deserve better.

Shampaincharly · 14/09/2018 15:25

;
Sounds like you are house mates.
The menopause and peri-menopause are awful and relationships can be put under immense strain.
Can you talk to her ?
Tell her how you feel.

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