How often do you speak with your OH/Husbands during the day?

[WhiteRosesAndSunflowers]

I'm a SAHM, but before having children (when both OH and I worked), OH and I used to regularly message and text throughout the course of the day.

Since having DC's, contact is absolutely minimal, though not through lack of me trying! I've tried telling OH that every so often, I'd like a quick 'Hey, how you doing? Are the kids behaving?' type message, nothing over the top or lengthy, just a little hello would do! After we've had these chats about me liking a little more communication throughout the week, he'll make an effort for a few days, then it's right back to not hearing from him again.

I understand his main focus and priority when he's at work, is and should be, his work, so I'm under no illusion that he should be constantly tied to his phone, chatting away to me. But, we could easily go Mon-Fri and I wouldn't hear a peep out of him.
It's particularly frustrating as I know there are several times throughout the day when he's using Instagram, meaning he's not completely run ragged and physically doesn't have the time to stop and check his phone, as he has time to browse social media.

I don't want or expect constant phone calls or long running texts, but I would appreciate him seeing how I'm doing once in a while, particularly as our 2DC's are very young so my days at home with them are often pretty hard going, so a little message from him asking if I'm alright would mean a lot.

When he gets home from work, he's loving and chatty, so I can't complain there, it just literally feels like the moment he leaves the house in the morning, I'm forgotten about and that it doesn't matter if I'm having a good or a bad day.

I've spoken with a few friends about it and they've said their husbands usually tend to phone them on their lunch break, or will message them back in the afternoons when they catch five minutes.

I just wondered if anyone else out there has partners/husbands who literally never contact them and how common it is to not hear from your OH all day/all week? While it does bother me, I've now learned to live with it, but still intrigued to see how many others go through this.

I just had a look at the last time I texted or rang my oh was the 16th August. We live in the same house.

Rarely, only if there's something specific we need to tell each other/show each other. If one of us/the kids is ill, we might txt to see how they're doing. I can't have my phone on at work anyway and don't have the opportunity to check it very often.

He probably also goes for a poo during the day and plays candy crush while doing it.

The problem here is you are missing him and miffed he doesn’t reach out. I feel like you need to reconnect, have some date nights, fun nd something to talk about other than baby stuff.

Sometimes five times in a day, sometimes a week can go by with none. But almost always about something, I would never request communication for no reason.

I'm a SAHM and OH works full time. He usually FaceTimes me once a day on his break but sometimes he's too busy which is fine. We will occasionally text one another

We hardly ever talk during the day unless it's urgent. DH usually texts or calls when he's on his way home so I can put dinner on (he does irregular hours so I don't always know when he's going to be home)

We used to speak a lot more during the day pre children actually OP. I think it’s died down since children as DH has less desire/opportunity to work late as he wants to spend more time with us, so tries to cram more into his ‘core’ hours, and also because I find most of my headspace taken up by the DC during the day. They both go to bed at 7 so we just see evenings as our time to catch up now.

OH leaves before I'm up , so I wake up to a text saying have a nice day , I love you etc, phone call mid morning , maybe one in the afternoon or a text then he will call when he's leaving. Never gone all day without hearing from him apart from years ago when we had had a huge argument.

I’d find it suffocating if I had to feel I needed to speak to dh during the day. Think he’s trying to drop you a hint that you’re too full on.

My ex and I met before even text messaging, in the days when it would have been frowned on to spend time at work having a private phone conversation. We never contacted one another at work unless it was actually necessary, i.e. maybe once every five years perhaps . Just never occurred to us to do otherwise.

Since then had one bf who texted constantly, probably to multiple women though!, and now another old school type - though he has moved far enough into the 21st century to send the odd message in the week.

As you say, though, it is not the amount of texting that's an issue, is it? It's the change in habits. You're afraid that he sees you not as an exciting romance but as the dull old missus, reliably back home with the kids doing nothing much.

You've told him you want messages, but have you told him why?

Think you might've hit the nail on the head there @Goldilocks3Bears

I suspect it is largely because I miss him. He wakes up and leaves most mornings by half 5 then is back again around half 5-6 in the evening. I put our youngest DC to bed, then OH settles our eldest, and by the time we've done that and I've had a quick tidy in the front room (packing away toys and dinner plates etc) we finally sit down for the evening at about 8. Because OH gets up so early and I'm shattered after a day with the DC's, we tend to head to bed by half 9, so we don't get much time with each other during the week. I think that's mostly why I'd like the odd message here and there.

I don't think it's fair to say the OP is needy. It really depends on patterns of communication and what each person is happy with, and OP is obviously looking for a little more, which I don't think is unreasonable. It takes literally 10 seconds to send a message and he clearly isn't performing brain surgery where he can't find a spare a moment.

DH sends me a text message every morning because he leaves when I'm asleep and then we text intermittently throughout the day, because that's the pattern we're comfortable with. If we're very busy in meetings or something we obviously don't text then.

Have you asked him why things have changed?

I've not read the full thread but I think going on Facebook/instagram etc is switching off your brain for a few minutes aka a break. Phoning up to ask you how you are and are the kids behaving will get samey answers "fine, not great, didn't nap, ate all their lunch" and isn't exactly something to look forward to. I think by asking him to contact you more you risk making yourself another chore to tick off rather than something to look forward to.

I'm a SAHM and my husband works full time. If we text in the day it's along the lines of "so tired, how was drop off, did you order so-and-so" some days he rings, some days he doesn't, but he gets home for 5:30 every day and unless it's urgent or we justs fancy having a chat, the catch up stuff can wait until then.

Although, I do understand if you have a young baby 0-6 months th days can be looooong and isolating and sometimes mean zero adult interaction until your husband phones or comes home. Maybe you would feel better and think about it less if you did more in the day or even made a routine e.g. Monday is shopping, Tuesday baby group, wed lunch/coffee with friend, thurs swimming etc

My ex used to leave before I got up and chose to come home at about 9 p.m. Then complained he didn't feel part of the family.

Any chance you could get the kids off to bed at the same time, rather than one after the other, so you get more you time?

We rarely message during the day unless it's something specific.

I understand you OP. It odd that you send him a text and 90% of the time he doesn’t respond.

I’d have a chat and say you feel a bit sad you don’t hear from him all day, and that it really cheers you up when he texts you. Surely he would send a quick text if he thinks it makes you happy?

I would say half the time we might text a bit during the day, the other half the time not at all. I am at home at the moment (mat leave with a baby and we have an older one at school), but normally I work full time. My dh is self employed. We talk when we have something to say, but rarely just like, ‘hey, how’s it going?’

My dh is busy, time texting me is time he could be working so he can come home, and neither of us want him working later than necessary. I would say though that I’m definitely the worst of the two of us for not keeping in touch. When I’m working I’m not really on my phone (though did have a long commute so was more reachable then), but now that I’m home, I’m busy. I don’t have time for texting. I can go hours without even noticing a message from anyone. It does annoy him when he’s trying to contact me about something important (like his car breaking down), but I just can’t be glued to my phone all day. I get occasional breaks (like now when the baby is sleeping). But I’d say it doesn’t bother me generally, though he has coincidentally been away for weekends with friends just as vomiting bugs struck at home. I’ve been much more annoyed at slow responses then. Just because I was mad at being at home while he was out having fun (even though that certainly wasn’t his fault and it couldn’t have come home to help easily anyway).

If it’s a new development, I’d be a bit more annoyed though in your case.

OP - being at home with the kids is amazing and precious.

It’s also effing mindnumbingly boring.

Can you get some you time in here - park the dots in the crèche at the gym for a few hours or give them to grandma?

I don't think you're being needy op. Even if you were aren't we all allowed to be every now and then.....even just a little bit?

I message dp if I need something specific, so some shopping or something. I rarely need a reply. Dp will often text me several times a day, asking how school drop off was, what am I up to, telling me which train he'll be on etc. I find it a bit annoying but indulge him because it takes literally 30 seconds out of my day to text 'everything's fine at our end, have a good day'. A couple of minutes a day isn't much to do something for the person you love is it?

He calls constantly!
To tell me stuff. I was just about to write that and he called!
It's not to ask how I am though it's to update me on every second of his day.
I think checking in or calling on lunch when you are home with the kids, especially once you've asked, seems fair.

Bloody hell, it's a bit much to imply that the the OP is needy and should just be glad that her husband's still alive!

OP, I get it. Being at home is hard, and isolating, and you just want to have a little lifeline of adult contact in your day. I used to feel exactly the same. I don't know how you can get him to change though. But I would also feel hurt, given the contrast from how things were before.

@Thund4rcat I have asked him and he simply said it's because he's busy, though not too busy to be on social media apparently. I couldn't care less what he does in the 5-10 minutes spare time he may have whilst at work, but the reality of it is, is that it really only does take a few seconds to send a message and given that we always used to, it's hard for me to wrap my head around why that line of communication has stopped.

@ravenmum Our youngest DC is still a baby and our eldest is a toddler, so they have slightly different bedtimes. If the toddler went down the same time as the baby, it'd be too early for him, and if the baby stayed up that extra 45 mins - 1hr when the toddler goes down, it'd be too long stretch for him. So unfortunately, there's not much I can do about that until the baby is a little older.

Like I've expressed in the original post, I don't want a full length phone call every day, I don't expect hourly updates, I'd literally just like one check in a day, or even every other day, just to know he's thinking of me or the kids, or to briefly tell me how his days going so far. Given we went from relentlessly messaging around the clock, it's weird to not hear from him at all all day long.

If we are not both working at home, then we would never communicate unless we needed to arrange something or check some information. Definitely not just chatty texts/calls/e-mails. Ever.

Even if we are both at home we don't speak much. He works in the garden office. But he does bring me a tea/coffee and exchange a few words a couple of times.

You miss him. Kids do distance you from each other when they're small; it's inevitable, with their relentless needs and the way they take over your brainspace.

Thing is, they obviously don't take over his brainspace, and he is good at compartmentalising. If I was him though, I'd make the compromise to have a better marriage and a happier wife.