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Original poster

Did I deal with this "friendly gesture" wrongly?

167 replies

itsnotlight · 11/09/2018 11:01

i've allready had a thread on this but cant seem to work out how to link and got more to add...sorry for re posting.

i was with someone for 2 years. he ended things because he "needed to work on himself" - the relationship was horrible in the end and the best way i can describe it is that i was a complete nervous wreck by the end. among his many behaviours he would give me silent treatment for entire days, tell me he didnt love me then within hours want to make up and then be cross i didnt want sex so soon. regularly commented on how i looked - often nice things but also often with a question like 'why arent you wearing your nice underwear?' a year in i had a message from his ex telling me he was emotionally abusive. i ignored it.

anyway it ended after he said he would continue seeing me exclusively but would not class us as in an official relationship. i said no to that and begged him almost to just stay as a couple while he "worked through things."

i said lets try and be friends in future and i dont like bad feeling. weeks went by and didnt hear from him. then on my birthday he sends flowers and a card with lots of love.

i asked him why and he said i was this great person who was there for him when he had been through a bad time etc and he wanted to surprise me. i said thank you and that i had missed him. he said i shouldnt be talking like that and the flowers and card were a friend statement, and became irritated and wanted to go to sleep and switch off his phone.

i feel like a total idiot. i didnt want him back, i was getting on with my life, he makes this gesture and i say i miss him and he totally belittles what he has done and tells me to "put the flowers and card in the bin if i dont like them." was i being an idiot for reading into this? it wasnt that i expected a relationship to start on the back of it (im not even sure i would want that!) but the second i said anything remotely close like missing him, he does that?

did i react wrongly here? and if the flowers were a gesture of friendship why threaten to switch his phone off like that during a conversation about it?

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 11/09/2018 11:03

He's just ensuring you're still an option.

Cut him off totally. Stop thinking about him - he's no good for you.

MarthasGinYard · 11/09/2018 11:04

Block him

That is all

HollowTalk · 11/09/2018 11:05

He's messing with your mind, isn't he? I think on your birthday he was annoyed he hadn't had you begging for some time so contacted you again to make you suffer. Awful man. You are well rid.

FiveStoryFire · 11/09/2018 11:05

It's him. Not you.

Original poster
itsnotlight · 11/09/2018 11:06

hollow if that was true then why cut me down and say he now needs to switch his phone off when we speak? clearly he had got my attention by then?

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnotlight · 11/09/2018 11:07

he isnt an awful person though, when i asked why after sending me flowers he was cross i said i missed him, he said he had send the flowers and card to be nice, as a friend and to be a good person and he wasnt going to now put up with me saying i missed him as he was enjoying the conversation we were having as friends and i had now ruined that...

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 11:09

His gesture was inappropriate. Your response was inadviseable. No response would have been best.

You stayed in the relationship when he treated you the way he did. Are you working on your self esteem, “boundaries”, tosser radar etc before dating again?

Given the way he treated you, no contact at all would be best.

Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 11:10

Someone who treated you that way is NOT someone to be friends with.

TheSpottedZebra · 11/09/2018 11:10

I feel like you're ignoring all the people saying hes manipulating you, and to block him - on this and other thread.

What more do you want people to say?

Fabellini · 11/09/2018 11:10

I’m sorry but he is an awful person, you just can’t see it......yet.

MarthasGinYard · 11/09/2018 11:10

You allowed him power and to treat you like shite

He threw you a scrap and knew exactly how you would react

He's powerful again now

PositivelyPERF · 11/09/2018 11:10

He’s keeping you on the hook, in case he can’t find a suitable replacement. Sending you flowers is a way of keeping you thinking about him, so if he can’t find another victim woman, you’ll welcome him back. Block him on everything and if you receive anything in future, tell the delivery person that the named person (you) no longer live there.

Move on and put this gaslighting, manipulative creep behind you. There are some lovely men out there, he’s not one of them. Please learn from this experience and watch out for similar signs in any future relationship.

Original poster
itsnotlight · 11/09/2018 11:14

i am listening to all the advice, i really am. and it might not seem like it but my eyes are opening more and more to how he was. it is a slow process though.

i also cannot for one second get my head around why someone would send flowers and a card to be manipulative...could it not simply be a wrong decision but meant well?

my upset comes mainly from how he handled it afterwards when we spoke about it. seemed like he went straight back into threatening to leave the conversation mid way though etc, which didnt strike me as someone who was trying to be friends or anythign else for that matter.

essentially, if it was to check i was there or keep me on the back burner... why then shut down the chat and tell me to go and "get on with my life" and that he definitely didnt want a relationship?!

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnotlight · 11/09/2018 11:18

also when it ended i did go on about wanting to be friends...

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 11/09/2018 11:21

He is not your 'friend'

He is your manipulative and damaging ex

Prestonsflowers · 11/09/2018 11:21

Please read and take in what you are being told.

He is manipulating you.

His ex was right, he is emotionally abusive.

There is NO POINT in trying to understand why he is behaving like this.

He just is an arsehole. Just block him and get on with your own life

HollowTalk · 11/09/2018 11:23

Look, for whatever messed up reason, he is drawing you in and then rejecting you. You are taking in by his drawing you in - you think "Oh he must really like me" and then hurt and confused by his rejection.

But you have to remember this: he is not behaving as a normal person would. At the end of a relationship, most people don't keep in touch. If they do send flowers, they are nice about it. They don't send flowers and then tell the other person off at the same time - only a manipulative man who enjoys messing with your mind (even if he doesn't realise that's what he's doing) would do that.

Everyone is advising you to stay away from him. Everyone. Think about that.

Original poster
itsnotlight · 11/09/2018 11:24

sorry it just helps to break it down a bit. i know how he has reacted is shitty and doesnt show he actually wants a friendship...otherwise he wouldnt have been so arsy in the messages.

i just dont get why didnt stay away if he can be that off with me

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnotlight · 11/09/2018 11:25

i was snappy too in the messages though...i got angry about the flowers and the card and maybe that was a horrible way for me to behave. just feel messed about but maybe he was genuinely trying to be nice?

he said he was trying to be friends and i was ruining that.

OP posts:
user1492863869 · 11/09/2018 11:26

This is going to be harsh but necessary. We have all been where you are and we all wanted the hurt to stop. Believe us when we say that can only happen by finally cutting him out of your life. Otherwise you are just revisiting it over and over.

You know from the relationship you had that his behaviour is thoughtless, inconsistent and inconsiderate. To an outsider it is clear he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want a loving relationship with you. If he did he would be mindful, consistent and considerate.

Because you have feelings for him you are not able to see this and you are asking for a relationship that you don’t want, friendship. He doesn’t know how to be a friend to you and you don’t know how to be a friend to him.

Again, If he wanted to be with you as a lover he would mindful, consistent and considerate. Again he is not being any of these things. He wasn’t in the relationship and his is not as a friend.

Do you need more evidence? Because you won’t get it. He has told you and now he is blocking you. When he opens up again, you will get hurt again and he will block you again.

Sorry but there is nothing in this for you and you need to give up on this and stop thinking about why he is doing it. It’s enough that he is and it is clear he doesn’t want to be with you.

PositivelyPERF · 11/09/2018 11:26

why then shut down the chat and tell me to go and "get on with my life" and that he definitely didnt want a relationship

Because he knows he can and you’ll still want him back. He will continue to throw you breadcrumbs, then act with faux innocence, when you want to take it further. He will give it some time and then contact you to make sure you’re alright after the last conversation and go through the ‘I want us to be friends’ routine again, then pull back. It’s a power play and you’re falling for it.

Why are you so keen to believe he is genuine, yet dismissive of the ex girlfriend who told you he was manipulative? His actions are proving that her accusations are true.

ravenmum · 11/09/2018 11:27

Read what MarthasGinYard said, that answers your last question.

He wants to feel like he's in control.

he would continue seeing me exclusively but would not class us as in an official relationship
Like this: he gets to dictate what kind of a relationship you have. You don't get a say.

Sending you gifts means he is a great guy and you'll be grateful; he's got the upper hand. You express vulnerability ("I miss you") - confirming that he is in control. He has made you feel that way - a clear win. To test that, he plays around with your feelings a bit, making you feel hurt and stupid. And again asserts his control by making it into a situation where you are supposedly desperate for him and he turns you down.

iknowimcoming · 11/09/2018 11:29

I think you shouldn't have ignored that message from his ex

Original poster
itsnotlight · 11/09/2018 11:29

i get that i am moving on - it proably doesnt seem it from these messages but i am. and i am doing work on why i gave him the time of day from the start too.

i think i blame myself. he always blamed me and i suppose i cant work out how someone can send flowers and a card with lots of love you in it and then be so cruel in messages afterwards. it doesnt make sense. so i figure it is me causing it

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/09/2018 11:31

he said he was trying to be friends and i was ruining that.
He's getting you to play a starring role in his story, in which he is the great guy who is nice to his ex, even though she is a nasty cow.

Do you want to be friends with him? If not, why are you still in touch?