Did I deal with this "friendly gesture" wrongly?

[itsnotlight]

i've allready had a thread on this but cant seem to work out how to link and got more to add...sorry for re posting.

i was with someone for 2 years. he ended things because he "needed to work on himself" - the relationship was horrible in the end and the best way i can describe it is that i was a complete nervous wreck by the end. among his many behaviours he would give me silent treatment for entire days, tell me he didnt love me then within hours want to make up and then be cross i didnt want sex so soon. regularly commented on how i looked - often nice things but also often with a question like 'why arent you wearing your nice underwear?' a year in i had a message from his ex telling me he was emotionally abusive. i ignored it.

anyway it ended after he said he would continue seeing me exclusively but would not class us as in an official relationship. i said no to that and begged him almost to just stay as a couple while he "worked through things."

i said lets try and be friends in future and i dont like bad feeling. weeks went by and didnt hear from him. then on my birthday he sends flowers and a card with lots of love.

i asked him why and he said i was this great person who was there for him when he had been through a bad time etc and he wanted to surprise me. i said thank you and that i had missed him. he said i shouldnt be talking like that and the flowers and card were a friend statement, and became irritated and wanted to go to sleep and switch off his phone.

i feel like a total idiot. i didnt want him back, i was getting on with my life, he makes this gesture and i say i miss him and he totally belittles what he has done and tells me to "put the flowers and card in the bin if i dont like them." was i being an idiot for reading into this? it wasnt that i expected a relationship to start on the back of it (im not even sure i would want that!) but the second i said anything remotely close like missing him, he does that?

did i react wrongly here? and if the flowers were a gesture of friendship why threaten to switch his phone off like that during a conversation about it?

i think i blame myself.
It's his story. You should think up a different one, not just go along with his.

In your previous thread you said that when you asked him why he sent them he said "Why wouldn't I?" In that thread everyone said he's just trying to keep you open as an option and to forget him, yet you've carried on the conversation, he's clearly hurt your feelings, and now here you are again.

Honestly, given the amount you've posted on this subject I don't believe you're moving on at all. But you need to, he's not interested in you. Accept it and move on properly including cutting all contact with him.

Stop trying to figure out why he does it. He does and it is not normal or acceptable. There are whole branches of academia and medicine dedicated to trying to understand this behaviour and they don’t agree or fully understand why. What they do agree on is that is not driven by the person on the receiving end of it. And that it can’t be treated. You are not the reason for his behaviour nor was his ex. You really really don’t impact on his behaviour because neither you or anybody else matter to him.

Stop engaging now, block him and accept you won’t figure him or his behaviour out. Find something more worthwhile to care about. The fate of slightly ill flea is more important than him.

I'll tell you this for starters. No one has ever broken up with someone they want to be with

Please block him.

He’ll keep you hanging on as long as he can get away with and you’ll never feel you can truly move on.

he isnt an awful person though, when i asked why after sending me flowers he was cross i said i missed him, he said he had send the flowers and card to be nice, as a friend and to be a good person and he wasnt going to now put up with me saying i missed him as he was enjoying the conversation we were having as friends and i had now ruined that...

Read this again and imagine if it was one of your friends saying this to you. Would you consider them a friend?? He is emotionally abusive - playing mind games with you, and you are allowing him to. Gain your power back and block.

He sent you flowers so that you would call him up and stroke his ego.

Which you did.

And then he was mean to you to because he likes having power over you.
He likes the ego stroke.
He likes thinking that you want him, it makes him feel good about himself.

He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you but he’s probably quite happy to shag you if you are foolish enough to let him.

And then he do the same thing to you. Only it’ll hurt much, much worse because then he’ll have crushed you after sex, in your bed, not just a via phone call.

He is not a nice person.
He does not want to be friends.
He wants to use you to feel good about himself. How you feel is inconsequential to him.

So block him in every way you can and take his advice and bin the flowers.

I’m sorry. He has power because you give it to him.
Stop.

What Nona said. Whatever you said in your phone call would have been wrong - whether it was begging him to get back together, saying you wanted to be friends, whatever - because that's your role for him. You are the person in the wrong. The flowers were to lure you back in so he can carry on telling you you're in the wrong.

He does not love you. He does not want you. He is going out of his way to be cruel to you.

He did not send those flowers to be nice. He sent them to make himself feel better, more powerful, and to fuck up any chance of you not thinking about him on your birthday.

He’s bad for you.

Block him

Call Womens Aid and speak to them about doing their Freedom Programme!
FAST!!!!!

Why you are even giving this narcissistic, abusive, controlling, bully any headspace at all is beyond me.

If you are truly are moving on then block, ignore and delete!

And next time a fellow woman contacts you to tell you someone is abusive, for the love of god, listen!!!!!!

All this 'why, why why' nonsense! Who gives a flying fuck?
Keep him out of your life and move forward. Away from abusive men!!!
I'll say it again - Freedom Programme - FAST!!!!

Stop focusing on him and focus on yourself: why you accepted his terrible behaviour, wished to be friends, and are still in contact wirh him, and struggling to move on in your mind.

Counselling might help you.

i think i blame myself. he always blamed me and i suppose i cant work out how someone can send flowers and a card with lots of love you in it and then be so cruel in messages afterwards. it doesnt make sense. so i figure it is me causing it

Stop living his script. He likes you to blame yourself for not responding 'appropriately' to his mixed messages -- it keeps you off guard and on your toes where he's concerned. Which is the right place if he fancies a shag sometime, or simply the ego boost of knowing he can have you if he wants you.

You're more valuable than this.

@Sunflowerr is right I'm afraid.

Did you read all our replies to the thread asking similar questions? Please don't let this go on.

He actually gets some kind of 'reward' for hurting you. Can't you see that?

Re 'being friends' - how many of YOUR friends do YOU treat the way HE treated/treats YOU?

He is showing you who he is and it's a very ugly person - pay attention and put yourself in a kinder, more valued place than he marked out for you.

The posters on this thread and the last one are not emotionally involved, we see him for what he is from the facts you give us.

This was no kindly meant, friendly gesture.

He's manipulated you, it's worked a treat, ego boost achieved.

He sounds a complete twat. Stop giving him headspace, block him and move on.

I agree he is a tool but he sent you flowers on a friendly basis and qualified that. You then say you miss him which is a totally different dynamic and he is pissed off so flounces.

If I was trying to offer a nice platonic gesture as a thank you to an ex for their support, and I had stated so, I'd be pissed of if they then changed the focus to being pleased by the gesture and that they missed me. It is reverting the conversation and gesture back to relationship-related. Iyswim.

I'm not sure he is being as manipulative as everyone else is saying. But I would tell you to never ever date him again. He wasn't nice to you.

And stop letting him have power/control by telling him you miss him. You did the pick me dance and begged him to stay with you.
That NEVER is a sign of a good relationship.

Don't talk about the past it your feelings and do not reminisce. I think you would have him back in an instant, no matter what you say on these threads. You are overthinking this and looking for an in.

Stop it. Block him totally because it'll be easier for you to control yourself and keep yourself healthy. You need to go total cold turkey.

You are making the classic mistake of judging him by your standards - not his.

To explain what I mean: If YOU sent someone flowers, it's because you think fondly of them, that they are someone special to you and you want them to know this. And to write something loving and caring on it would be you speaking from the heart. Because that's what this gesture means to YOU. (and to most normal folk!)

When HE sends flowers, it's to get your attention. It's to keep you on the hook of holding out for that crumb that he may or may not deign to give you at some point. He sends them KNOWING that a recipient usually gets in touch to thank the sender, and you being the nice person you are, will do exactly that. His message was written solely so that you would misconstrue his intentions and engineers a scenario where you think he's suggesting more solely so he can rebuff you again. Because he's cruel and gets enjoyment out of gaslighting you this way. That's why HE sends women flowers.

And he will do this again and again to you until you no longer let him do this to you.

Do you want to be in touch with him? If so, why? If not, why are you spending so much time thinking about his psyche?

OP - why did you ignore the correct information from his ex? She was right, hes a twat, accept you made a mistake and don't give it any more headspace.

I can't get my head around the fact that you didn't put the card and the flowers straight in the bin. And then you contacted him? What is the matter with you?

He isn't your problem. You are your problem. You need to do the Freedom Program right now as a matter of urgency. And then you need to get some counselling or therapy. You need help.

He is a manipulator which means he's very unsure of himself.
Sure, he certainly does need to 'work on' himself but you don't have to be around while he does it.

His attitude when you responded to him sending you flowers was quite horrible, unkind in the extreme. He's playing you! His ex was spot on.

You can do better so cut him out of your life altogether. If you receive any more unsolicited gifts, ignore them or at the most just say, "Thanks', two or three weeks later.

i also cannot for one second get my head around why someone would send flowers and a card to be manipulative...could it not simply be a wrong decision but meant well?

The flowers were bait. Nothing more, nothing less. You took the bait. Big mistake. Next time, leave it.

A gift is not a contract. You are not obligated to respond. You are not obligated to lift your hands from your sides and accept the “offering”. Do not participate.

You took the bait so he had another opportunity to emotionally slam you. This is his entertainment. It really has nothing to do with you. You might as well be a cardboard cut out- that is about as much as he cares for you (or any woman). It isn’t you, it is him.

He wants to make you believe it is your fault to deflect attention away from his shittyness. He will not take responsibility for his behavior.

I know leaving it goes against our social training to be nice and say thank you when someone does something nice for you. But you need to get over that hump and realize that being a “bitch” is sometimes fundamentally necessary for our self preservation. Being a bitch is a response to his behavior. Kicking him to the curb, scrapping him off your shoe, is a response to his behavior.

It is being assertive to maintain your self esteem and personal dignity. Fight for your own mental health; he certainly doesn’t give a crap about your mental health.

In fact, with blokes like this, tipping your mental health over the edge is more entertainment; frustrating you is entertainment. They have you like a puppet on strings trying to make things right- can you see now that they will always move those goal posts? More entertainment!

And you’ve learned a lesson about ex/s. Whenever anyone give you a clue about a bloke, whispered, scribbled on a scrap, anonymous email, however, please use that information.

You do not need to know the details. You give the bloke the “benefit of doubt” at your own peril. You were warned.
Why go down that road when someone has just been there and says it’s a no go? Don’t be desperate. There are worse things than being alone-and a relationship (or qualified quasi- relationship) is one of them.

I also cannot for one second get my head around why someone would send flowers and a card to be manipulative...could it not simply be a wrong decision but meant well?

OK, think of it this way - when I put cheese in a mousetrap, am I being kind and generous to the mouse?

The mouse might see it that way. The mouse might wonder about my mixed messages, whether I was "confused about what I wanted" - clearly I'm concerned that the mouse is hungry, or else why would I put out cheese? OK, so the trap is a bit confusing - some might say it was a bit of a red flag - but the mouse wants to believe the best in me, so it ignores any warning bells. After all, whatever else is happening, cheese is a good thing and I am clearly being kind.

And SNAP.

Really interesting analogy Send