Did I deal with this "friendly gesture" wrongly?

[itsnotlight]

i've allready had a thread on this but cant seem to work out how to link and got more to add...sorry for re posting.

i was with someone for 2 years. he ended things because he "needed to work on himself" - the relationship was horrible in the end and the best way i can describe it is that i was a complete nervous wreck by the end. among his many behaviours he would give me silent treatment for entire days, tell me he didnt love me then within hours want to make up and then be cross i didnt want sex so soon. regularly commented on how i looked - often nice things but also often with a question like 'why arent you wearing your nice underwear?' a year in i had a message from his ex telling me he was emotionally abusive. i ignored it.

anyway it ended after he said he would continue seeing me exclusively but would not class us as in an official relationship. i said no to that and begged him almost to just stay as a couple while he "worked through things."

i said lets try and be friends in future and i dont like bad feeling. weeks went by and didnt hear from him. then on my birthday he sends flowers and a card with lots of love.

i asked him why and he said i was this great person who was there for him when he had been through a bad time etc and he wanted to surprise me. i said thank you and that i had missed him. he said i shouldnt be talking like that and the flowers and card were a friend statement, and became irritated and wanted to go to sleep and switch off his phone.

i feel like a total idiot. i didnt want him back, i was getting on with my life, he makes this gesture and i say i miss him and he totally belittles what he has done and tells me to "put the flowers and card in the bin if i dont like them." was i being an idiot for reading into this? it wasnt that i expected a relationship to start on the back of it (im not even sure i would want that!) but the second i said anything remotely close like missing him, he does that?

did i react wrongly here? and if the flowers were a gesture of friendship why threaten to switch his phone off like that during a conversation about it?

I had depression that nearly killed me. VERY nearly.

How many people did I treat like your ex treated you?

NONE! Not one, not a single one.

I will bet that your childhood/upbringing taught you that you were not worth kindness/love and this guy was drawn to it.

i just feel like i lost "me" throughout all this and feel responsible

'Me' was stolen/erased and told she wasn't valued, she was taught to please others rather than love herself. Probably before this guy rocked up, but now you know that Me was AWOL, it's time to invest ALL your energy into finding who she is and what makes her happy and brings her joy.

I had this, a life time of being told I wasn't good enough leading to an abusive relationship where I had no power or ability to stand up and say No. When he left, I found the way to say no. My family HATED it, (they'd tried to keep my very clearly abusive relationship going somehow, it suited them to have me curtailed) the sense of strength I got, the ability to call my own shots, to see that actually i COULD manage my life very successfully actually thank you very much was really powerful.

the next step was to realise that as empowering it is to learn that you have the ability to say NO, it's important not to say NO to yourself! It's important to challenge yourself to be a little bit braver and do the things that you were always told you shouldn't/couldn't if there was no really good reason why you shouldn't.

I don't recognise the person I was back then, frightened of everyone and everything. I was a lot like you, I know that you won't always feel like this and I know how much great potential you have in you, so please just trust us and stretch those wings so you can fly :D

i was a nervous wreck at the end because i didnt know where i stood with him

Spaghetti head - that's what they do. they mess up your thoughts and life to keep you busy, to keep you so distracted generally that you won't realise what they are doing/how crap human beings they are.

They do all of this from weakness not strength. They are deeply insecure and know they can't compete with normal human beings on the same level playing field, so they destroy all those they can around them so THEY look and feel powerful.

if you take only one thing from any of this, take this:

It was NOT you. there is nothing you did that made this happen.

YOU are good enough as you are, if people don't like that, then they don't get to have you in their lives.

getting into someone's life/head is because you care for them and want to either build bridges or want something more. whatever the reason, surely to then be offhand an awful when that persons says something nice to them defeats the object

Nope, they draw you in as a tool.

Draw you in to hurt you more. it makes THEM feel powerful.

It's emotional titillation for him, he gets an emotional hard on having pulled you in to stick a knife in.

thank you so much for the replies. i am getting stronger everyday and deep down i know that as much as i may have messed up that he still wasnt nice to me in the main.

the comment about occasional care with babies etc is interesting and rings true to me.

i just cannot get my head around someone getting so cross when i said something nice to him, after he sends huge flowers and a card. if he had the capacity to lose his cool so fast with me, then why on earth engage with me at all FFS. i didnt ask him to. i was moving on.

@itsnotlight if i accept what you say and he wanted to get into my head etc...then WHY treat me so offhand afterwards? that is what is beyond me. surely the entire point of getting into someone's life/head is because you care for them and want to either build bridges or want something more. whatever the reason, surely to then be offhand an awful when that persons says something nice to them defeats the object?!

Because he is manipulating you. You can't make sense if it because there isn't any.

OP it's a game to people like him. They get a hit from the attention you give them. So when he sent the flowers, he KNEW you'd react like this and ENJOYED shutting you down. Do you see? It's weird right?! Normal people don't play these games but the disordered do.

Yes I’d just try not give him headspace now . Maybe download tinder ? Just for a bit of an ego boost? You don’t have go out on dates , just getting yourself on the app or other dating apps can be a good confidence boat , plus it’ll remind you that he isn’t the only man on the planet . There’s literally lots of gorgeous men out there that are good people x

Hope you start to see things a bit clearer with counselling and the freedom programme OP. Don't start dating until you do or you could end in another unhealthy relationship and not spot the manipulation again.

'marthas how come he could be so nice? bought me things, turned up unexpectedly? who does that if they are abusive?'

Seriously?

The ex who abused me was Mr Wonderful for 4 months trips to NYC, Paris, flowers, poems, cooking beautiful dinners

Then the mask began to slip

He became controlling in every way conceivable and nasty with comments and actions too.

My friends could see it all, I started making excuses, he's tired, he's stressed, he's got business issues.

He threw you a scrap

You scrambled after it with a glimmer of hope in your eyes to him.

He put you back down in your place.

Break the cycle

Agree with BackInTheRoom

”normal people don’t play these games but the disordered do” exactly !

fuckit i have been on two dates which someone i really get on well with. im just so suspicious of him!! i feel it has come from this previous relationship. i question it when he says something particularly nice and im very slow paced now with things. hopefully that is a good thing. i just feel sad i am half the person i feel i was before i met my ex - that had never happened before in a relationship.

so grateful for the lovely people on here...you have quite literally helped me get through some very tough days.

when i have come back now and then because a day is particularly difficult, i havent been judged (at least not nastily!!) - i've just had support to keep me going.

i appreciate it so much and read all the posts closely and use them to help put things back together in my life. thank you

Look at his relationships with other people, you’ve mentioned his ex and his sister.
If his relationships with others are fucked up then it’s pretty clear that it’s not you, it’s him.
You keep asking why would someone behave like that.
He’s a cunt, that’s why.
You have to try and accept that you’ll never know WHY he’s like that.
You can’t fix him
Just try and fix yourself

You asked why treat you so off hand afterwards. Because phoning him and telling him you missed him has worked. He was offhand because is work here was done. He’s making sure you are still an option you said you missed him so you are still an option so he can fuck off again until the next time.

A friend drove me insane a few years ago with a guy just like him. He treated her like absolute crap and she would tell him to go to hell she’d be broken for weeks but start putting herself back together and just as that was happening he’d pop up again. Send a blank text then an oops sorry or just call or message. She instantly jumped up and then he’d be back to treating her like crap. He’d say all the right things, sign things with lots of love and kisses but as soon as he knew she was an option he’d disappear again. At one point she started seeing him again and he kept it up for months was boyfriend of the year attentive, meals out telling her how much he loved her. Then she was telling me how much he’d turned again and I said to her that she had changed or said something to him that made him believe he absolutely had her where he wanted so he was free to bugger off again. I was right she’d finally relaxed and when he said he loved her she said she loved him too. Up until that point she had managed to keep him away enough to protect herself and he did everything he could to break down that protection and the second he managed that his mask slipped.

Men like this have an almost radar for when you are starting to get over them and move on and out the blue they throw you some scraps in your instance Birthday flowers and a card saying lots of love that he could use to make sure when he said jump you ask how high. You did that and he got the validation he wanted and he’s back inside your head so he doesn’t HAVE to be nice to you anymore...until the next time when just as you start to recover he will pop up again and rinse and repeat for as long as you let him do it or until he drives you to breaking point.

Why are you even giving this hurtful mind playing head fucking moron any of your time?

By the sounds of it he enjoys building up your hopes & letting you down.

Get rid.

You are not listening to or accepting the advice being given here telling you to stop ALL contact with this man. You keep giving some of the ‘nice’ things he’s doing as a reason to think he’s not all bad. He follows these ‘nice’ gestures up with a slap on the face, putting you back in your place.
Why, when everyone is agreeing with you that his behaviour was and is cruel, manipulative, hurtful and degrading are you blaming yourself. That it must be something you’re doing wrong. NO ITS NOT YOU IT’S HIM THAT HAS THE PROBLEM.
You’ve posted again because you haven’t got the advice you want to hear being Oh it does sound like he’s a trying to be a better person. Give him another chance. There’s no point in trying to figure him out. He’s a sociopath. No normal person gets pleasure in hurting someone.
There’s plenty of kind, loving, respectful men out there. Find one.

i am listening to everything that is posted.

he told me one of the reasons he wanted me was because i was independent and ambitious whereas his ex was needy and had mental health problems. i should have questioned that at the very outset...it is not the mark of a man who goes the distance with someone through thick and thin.

I just bet the poor cow had mental health problems when he'd done with her...

And now you have become the ex who is needy with MH problems! This is how they work.

she had MH problems long before they met but he apparently declared how he wanted to be there for her and accept her as she was/that was part of her. i think it got worse after they moved in but more on the emotional side.

I don’t think you’re ready to date again yet. Spend some time by yourself and with friends until you feel like you’ve processed all of this. Do the freedom program online and read some of the threads on here about red flags and emotional abuse. Until you can accept that people like him don’t play by the normal rules you are vulnerable to falling prey to another abuser.

I am a very kind hearted person who tries to see the good in people, I’ve only joined mumsnet a week ago so have been reading through the replies other posters given.
I have came to the conclusion that you don’t want to take the advice given and are somehow enjoying and feeding off the ‘attention’ and sympathy you’re getting playing the victim.
The best thing anyone can do reading your post is not reply at all.
In this case not listening to the advice given you do only have yourself to blame.

You need to get a grip OP and I mean this in the nicest possible way. You don't want your life to be ruined by this idiot and he will continue to abuse you if you let him.
Like everyone else says on here block him and if he sends you anything else then return it to sender etc.
Write a list down of other things you can do apart from thinking about him and get yourself into some new hobbies and interests. Anything where your kept busy and positively engaged. Your brain will then have good thought patterns replacing all this rumination and you will begin to move on.

Good grief, OP, are you waiting for some poster to say 'yes, you needed to be more empathic, more loving to him, more accepting, more sympathetic to his needs. You should have let him do X, or Y, or more Z...'. or 'yes the flowers are a nice gesture and you ruined it by coming on too strong...'

No one is going to say that. You were not the problem; he is, and you cannot fix him. He is not worth it, OP. Put him aside. Concentrate on you, not him.

im not waiting for someone to say it is my fault, i just dont want to make the same mistake again.

people think this man is nice, charming. the only criticism he has had is being moody. i was moving on a lot before he send flowers. i am getting past this it is just a mindfuck. one which i am aware i need to just lock away

the first ha;f of your first post talks about a terrible relationship with someone who treated you badly.

Then you talk about trying to remain friends.
Then say you are not sure if you would want him back
and you are upset he put the phone down on you.

PLease go bakc and look at what you said. Being in a relationship with him was BAD - he was manipulative and emotionally abusive to you.

then you say i also cannot for one second get my head around why someone would send flowers and a card to be manipulative..

he did it BECAUSE he IS manipulative. He has been dangling you on a a string for several years and wants to keep you there.

You don't need him in a relationship, you don't need him as a friend.
block him