Did I deal with this "friendly gesture" wrongly?

[itsnotlight]

i've allready had a thread on this but cant seem to work out how to link and got more to add...sorry for re posting.

i was with someone for 2 years. he ended things because he "needed to work on himself" - the relationship was horrible in the end and the best way i can describe it is that i was a complete nervous wreck by the end. among his many behaviours he would give me silent treatment for entire days, tell me he didnt love me then within hours want to make up and then be cross i didnt want sex so soon. regularly commented on how i looked - often nice things but also often with a question like 'why arent you wearing your nice underwear?' a year in i had a message from his ex telling me he was emotionally abusive. i ignored it.

anyway it ended after he said he would continue seeing me exclusively but would not class us as in an official relationship. i said no to that and begged him almost to just stay as a couple while he "worked through things."

i said lets try and be friends in future and i dont like bad feeling. weeks went by and didnt hear from him. then on my birthday he sends flowers and a card with lots of love.

i asked him why and he said i was this great person who was there for him when he had been through a bad time etc and he wanted to surprise me. i said thank you and that i had missed him. he said i shouldnt be talking like that and the flowers and card were a friend statement, and became irritated and wanted to go to sleep and switch off his phone.

i feel like a total idiot. i didnt want him back, i was getting on with my life, he makes this gesture and i say i miss him and he totally belittles what he has done and tells me to "put the flowers and card in the bin if i dont like them." was i being an idiot for reading into this? it wasnt that i expected a relationship to start on the back of it (im not even sure i would want that!) but the second i said anything remotely close like missing him, he does that?

did i react wrongly here? and if the flowers were a gesture of friendship why threaten to switch his phone off like that during a conversation about it?

if he was trying to "get a reaction out of me" - why shut me down? that is the one part of these posts that i just cannot understand. one poster said he doesnt have the ability to allow anyone else's emotions to last long, i can sort of see that. but aside from that it doeesnt make sense does it.

YOU DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND IT. I know it's frustrating and incomprehensible, but sitting there and picking at it obsessively will not help you to get past it, and him. In the nicest possible way, you are indulging in an unhealthy behaviour when you dwell on it and you need to stop. Act like it's an addiction you need to kick. Stop now.

i just dont want to make the same mistake again.
The mistake of seeing the cheese on the mousetrap and thinking "Oh, let me just try some of that again"?

Argh, you’re STILL talking about him!

Please, do read some of the recommended reading and consider the Freedom Programme, and think about yourself and why you went down that road, and how to avoid problems in future.

Him badmouthing his ex and her MH issues was a massive red flag you missed. You missed a LOT of red flags. That’s what you need to be reflecting on, not why he did X, Y or Z.

This man is a piece of shit.
You didn’t do anything or cause this, he is a weirdo and you need to never have contact again. Not as a friend or boyfriend. Total twat.

he told me one of the reasons he wanted me was because i was independent and ambitious

We all are. all of us victims of these people.

they see our strength, independence and want to take it from us

she had MH problems long before they met No she didn't, that's a lie

but he apparently declared how he wanted to be there for her and accept her as she was/that was part of her. He has only ever, and will only ever put himself first.. unless putting someone apparently first puts HIM first in the medium term. they never do anything unless it directly benefits THEM

I think it got worse after they moved in but more on the emotional side
Every abuser ramps up abuse when they think their victim is more on the hook, so when they have been treated badly and come back for more when they move in, get engaged, get married, or get PG, have a kid or lose their job. the more powerless you are, the safer they are to hit you.

You have to accept that you will never understand him - HE will never understand him either - so don't even try. Just leave him in your past

I am delighted to hear that you are dating and more so to hear that you are taking everything slowly and day by day. you are right to do this. MOST men are not abusive, so the odds are good, but it pays to be sensible

Well done!!

thankyou for all the posts.

a man who tells me the mask is slipping with a sister who warns me to be robust if i want to be with him is NOT a man i want. whatever i may or ma not have done, it was never going to work with someone like that.

i wish i could erase the time i spent with him - lesson, i hope, is learned.

That's the most constructive thing you've said yet, op - stick to that approach and you'll get past this faster than you might expect :)

I told you why he shut you down. He shut you down because you had said enough for him to know you are still on a leash for him. That you are easy bought with a bunch of flowers and lots of love on a card. You calling him saying you missed him was ENOUGH! He got what he wanted he was making sure there was still enough of you available to him.
I would bet good money that if you’d ignored him he’d have kept on trying to contact you until he’d regaled you back in then shut you down. Men like him can be very persistent it and you are a game to him. You’re not a person with feeling of your own to him.

But ultimately you don’t need to know why he does it you just need to know he does it. He is manipulating you still and you are letting him. He does it because he can that’s the plain and simple truth of it.

His sister warned you about him - another red flag.

You can’t erase the time you spent, but you can use your time better now and in the future by giving no more of it to engaging in an way with or wondering about HIM.

how come he could be so nice? bought me things, turned up unexpectedly? who does that if they are abusive?

op... You do know that literally all abusers are nice most of the time? Like - super nice? That's normal. That's part of abusive relationships. He isn't special. He's a garden variety abuser.

Did you assume that women in abusive relationships we're with men who literally hit them in the face and screamed at them every two mins?
No one would get hooked into a relationship that was terrible all the time.

Please get therapy. This thread is so painful to read because you don't have a basic understanding of how abuse works. You're hurting yourself through a lack of education. I mean this very kindly xx

OP the last post from DonkeyPlease sums up what I have been trying to say but they are more articulate!

You need educating on abuse. So many people on here go from abusive relationship to another because they don't have therapy and learn how abuse works so they take the damage with them and unconsciously attract abusers again.

i agree i need a better understanding of it. deep down i knew some things he did crossed a line and rather than walking away at that point i stayed and sought to make excuses for him even though he made me very unhappy and clearly made his ex unhappy. i need to get my own self respect to avoid this in the future. he was not a good man, one post that rang true so much was that he didnt have the ability to consistently care for others emotional needs. it was ALWAYS fits and starts - and the parts when he wasnt there were obviously because of me..!

What was your up-bringing like OP? Was there anyone tricky that you had to accommodate ?

it was generally good, i suppose i feel like i needed to "work" for attention/love a little from my parents. they were constantly emotionally available although they were physically present and supported me.

i just do NOT want to make this mistake again. i really don't. i keep thinking back to the bouts of silent treatment and me getting more and more upset...eventually he would speak and we'd move past it but as i didnt want sex immediately i was accused of withdrawing affection from him................up until today i actually blamed myself for that and felt bad about it. of course i f*ing well didnt want sex. what a prick.

*were NOT constantly emotionally available

There you go.

You are repeating behaviour patterns from your childhood where you were left confused and left guilt ridden by adults.

This is why you have tolerated an emotionally difficult relationship - because it was your normal to question and blame yourself when others behaved badly.

This is the part of you that you need to understand and work on.
He is irrelevant.
No doubt there will be more of this type in your life (probably you have been round this loop a few times already) unless you work on understanding yourself it will repeat and repeat. As PP said it was “because you let me” when she asked her EA partner why he did it.

So he was sexually abusive too.

Please do the Freedom Programme and read up, you can address your vulnerability to getting into relationships with abusers and avoid them.

This year I dated someone who had me questioning everything just like you. He would buy me things, disappear and then come back. Keep me guessing, confused, hurt, feeling I wasn't good enough.

In a way this cycle of questioning everything becomes addictive. The hot/cold behaviour, it's all toxic and it's time consuming because it takes over our mind.

OP, all I can read from going through every one of your responses to what people are telling you is how much you are analysing this guys behaviour and trying to figure him out. I know especially as women we usually want answers, closure or some idea of who this person was that we let into our lives.

From my experience, I went NC with my toxic ex. For a couple of months I didn't speak to him and felt tormented every day. I analysed behaviour, thought about him every day, obsessed over his/my behaviour, felt guilt and blame. I then had him 'like' an instagram pic of mine (I didn't realise he was just breadcrumbing me) and then he messaged and I went back to him - he used me (for sex) because I told him I missed him etc. and told me he wanted to work on things/go on holiday with me blah blah blah. Then he didn't speak to me again for a month! Recently he got back in contact, I stupidly responded and he ignored me. So I finally blocked him.

I realised just how much I was allowing his behaviour to continue. Even now I feel sad but I finally know that even though I truly don't understand him, I have to just make peace with the fact that I never will. It's okay to miss the person you thought they were, but to also to realise you can't be with the actual nasty person they truly are.

Mourn the loss, block the loser and find someone worth your time.

Also for what it's worth, when I went back to my ex after fretting over going NC with him for months - he basically acted like he hadn't given a shit the whole time I went NC with him - because he hadn't! He had got on with his life and not really given me much thought, because he didn't care that much. Whereas I had wasted MONTHS of my life thinking about him. Stop wasting your life. x

All this obsessive questioning, attempting to understand him, saying BUT WHY WOULD HE DO THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND -

When dealing with abusive people, they want you to think that everything is very complicated and to do with feelings. But in reality, most things are very simple and to do with outcomes

For example "why did he send me birthday flowers and then be mean to me ?"

Complex feelings answer : "He is sad about our breakup but wants to be friends. Maybe he even wants to get back together. But then I said something wrong on the phone and made him cross and now he is upset with me and I ruined everything. And he has issues from his childhood and a difficult relationship with his ex wife. Phew. What a lot of feelings"

Actual answer : he wanted this outcome - for me to give him a reaction

Your suggestion that someone would only play mind games/ get inside someone else's head because they were in love and wanted to be closer to that person is....so messed up that I can't quite believe you actually think it.

Do you actually think that, OP?

The way the abuser works is - start charming, nice, nice, nasty, nice (to reel you back in and test your boundaries), nice, nasty, silent, aggressive,(bit more boundary testing - you put up with it last time...) nice, nice, aggressive, demanding, demeaning, nice ('have I still got control? If not, a bit more nice', even for months, then back to pattern) and then, when you are really confused, on eggshells, not knowing what to do to get the 'nice' back, it stays his 'real' self. The Bastard.

You two broke up. He knows you didn't want this, you wanted to stay friends, so he refused. He's still got control, at this point. A few months later, he thinks to test your boundaries. He sends flowers. You instantly thank him, and tell him that you miss him. Aha! He still has control, then. You've jsut told him he has. So he can then revert to 'nasty' (the real him) because he doesn't need to do 'nice'; you are still on the hook. He can 'go cold'. Until the next time he want s to play with you.

As I said upthread, the only way to be rid of him, is not to give a fuck. DO NOT give him any more control or power. All the while you want to be 'friends', or have any feelings for him, you are giving him Power.
In a 'normal' relationship, this is a good, give-and-take thing. In this, it is all about him, and his power over you.

And do some research (the Freedom program, some of the recommended reading) so that you can recognise these Red Flags in future.

God he sounds exhausting. Don’t bother trying to understand him. He’s either too immature for a relationship or has some sort of personality disorder. Just block him & move on. You don’t need to dance to his tune.

You are definitely overthinking this. Good relationships are simple to recognise - they feel easy, they bring you happiness, they may come with irritations and arguments but those are quickly dealt with and compromises reached. They don’t need lots of analysis.

Bad relationships are complex and confusing. They take up loads of time in analysis. If you are always worrying about someone’s reaction that’s a sign you are in a bad relationship.

I used to choose bad relationships (the men were too immature I think, rather than anything more sinister). Eventually I found I didn’t have the energy for the drama anymore & instantly I seemed able to recognise and pick good relationships.

If a relationship feels exhausting for no reason think about leaving.

If your family/friend relationships were bad growing up it may be worth getting some therapy.

This guy however just needs blocking & ignoring. You then have the power back.

And in answer to the original question - however you responded would have been wrong. He’s playing with you.

Block & move on.