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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I deal with this "friendly gesture" wrongly?

167 replies

itsnotlight · 11/09/2018 11:01

i've allready had a thread on this but cant seem to work out how to link and got more to add...sorry for re posting.

i was with someone for 2 years. he ended things because he "needed to work on himself" - the relationship was horrible in the end and the best way i can describe it is that i was a complete nervous wreck by the end. among his many behaviours he would give me silent treatment for entire days, tell me he didnt love me then within hours want to make up and then be cross i didnt want sex so soon. regularly commented on how i looked - often nice things but also often with a question like 'why arent you wearing your nice underwear?' a year in i had a message from his ex telling me he was emotionally abusive. i ignored it.

anyway it ended after he said he would continue seeing me exclusively but would not class us as in an official relationship. i said no to that and begged him almost to just stay as a couple while he "worked through things."

i said lets try and be friends in future and i dont like bad feeling. weeks went by and didnt hear from him. then on my birthday he sends flowers and a card with lots of love.

i asked him why and he said i was this great person who was there for him when he had been through a bad time etc and he wanted to surprise me. i said thank you and that i had missed him. he said i shouldnt be talking like that and the flowers and card were a friend statement, and became irritated and wanted to go to sleep and switch off his phone.

i feel like a total idiot. i didnt want him back, i was getting on with my life, he makes this gesture and i say i miss him and he totally belittles what he has done and tells me to "put the flowers and card in the bin if i dont like them." was i being an idiot for reading into this? it wasnt that i expected a relationship to start on the back of it (im not even sure i would want that!) but the second i said anything remotely close like missing him, he does that?

did i react wrongly here? and if the flowers were a gesture of friendship why threaten to switch his phone off like that during a conversation about it?

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 11/09/2018 20:14

he said he was trying to be friends and i was ruining that. - So what? Who cares what he is 'trying' to do? What do you want?

You don't want him back, he doesn't want to come back. IF you become or stay friends in the future, that will be up to you!

Block. Ignore. Stop thinking about him. Move on.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 11/09/2018 20:20

OP is making her life ridiculously complicated!!

Gemini69 · 11/09/2018 20:31

He's just ensuring you're still an option

this opening Comment was bang on correct .. Flowers

Angelf1sh · 11/09/2018 20:53

Block him. Block him. Block him. Block him. Block him. Block him. Block him.

Block him. Block him. Block him.

Block him. Block him. Block him. Block him. Block him. Block him.

Block him.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 11/09/2018 21:34

Yes he’s emotionally abusive and potentially a bit of a narc. You have to try and push all thoughts of him out of your mind , he is toying with you . Block him .

BlancheM · 11/09/2018 22:37

It makes him feel powerful to toy with you.

TooTrueToBeGood · 11/09/2018 22:46

OP is making her life ridiculously complicated!!

OP is a victim. You putting the blame on her is inappropriate, ignorant and unhelpful.

ciderhouserules · 12/09/2018 07:30

Toogood - actually I think the OP is making herself a victim. They've broken up, she doesn't want him back. Yet she is knocking herself out trying to understand 'what does this mean?' rather than thinking 'whatever'.

Be strong, OP. Who cares what it 'means'. Move on. Forget him.

TheObwaldhutte · 12/09/2018 07:44

Op you might want to spend a weekend reading. It will clarify things for you. Threads on here. Books by Susan Forward. Chump Lady. Anything to get you to realise that you need to stop interacting with tossers the minute you are aware they are tossers. The benefit of the reading will allow you to develop your tosser alert mechanism to a finely tuned intrument.

There are some right assholes out there. Not all of them are men but a fair proportion of them are. You are assuming he is a nice person if only you can unlock the nice. You need to realise you are looking for nice where none exists. He is abusive and controlling. You are seeing his MO. His ex was right and you need to listen. We've all been there and we've all had to learn. I have an ex that if I give him a minutes thought or if someone mentions him, I get mild panic signs and I walked away from him in 1990. I was with him for four years on and off. I wouldn't piss on him if he was alight now. I am wise. Become wise OP.

ShatnersWig · 12/09/2018 07:53

Third thread on this already?

Original poster
itsnotlight · 12/09/2018 07:54

i have read all these posts and am thankful for the advice.

posters who have asked well why do i want to work out why etc? the answer to that is that i spent a long time grappling with the notion that i had messed things up...he mostly blamed me (interspersed with rare moments of sincerity and awareness of his behaviour).in the time we were together he apologised twice. he actually said he didnt like to apologise and rarely would - he was right abut that.

i think him doing this with the flowers, it has made me think about it all over again when i really has started to move on and forget him. i had slowly started to realise what a horribly nasty person he was. BUT THEN he sends a card and flowers witha funny, nuce message, lots of love...and when we broke up it was me who said i wanted to be friends, in the middle of my tears etc. so maybe he was being nice. he was always into large material gestures so perhaps there really was nothing in it than being nice. it is the messages afetrwards and the aggressive response to me, the threatening to disappear mid conversation because i had said the wrong thing - thats what leads me to think i have done something wrong. and why do i care if i have? because it makes me re think the entire relationship and how i was with him.

does it matter - not practically. but i spent so long getting my head round his nastiness while we were together, i cannot understand why he would now do this and i think it would be a crazy manipulative move, i cant even comprehend why someone would do that, even him.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 12/09/2018 08:04

He was nasty when you were together, he’s still nasty now.

And for future note, anyone who tells you they “don’t like to apologise and rarely will” is not someone you should be in a relationship with. Because they are not a fully functioning adult.

SparklyMagpie · 12/09/2018 08:59

I think this is your third thread and no matter what you missed off them or however you dress it up, all comments remain the same

Do not waste anymore time even thinking about this, if you've apparently moved on, which I don't think you have, you wouldn't be agonising over all of this.

He's shown yet again he's a dick and he hasn't changed, so you need to close it now

Ohyesiam · 12/09/2018 09:10

Op all you can do is let go of him.

He will always keep giving you mixed messages, being ambiguous or ambivalent, or buttering you up to then drop in something nasty.

It’s how emotionally abusive people work. He tells you a good thing which opens your heart, then he is nasty, which hurts so you need him more than ever for comfort and love. They do it to control you.

He won’t be conscious of what he’s doing, so you can’t argue with himabout it, or get him to change it.

Look up The Freedom Program

Relationships should feel easy and straightforward most of the time, and all of the time for the first year or two at least.

ravenmum · 12/09/2018 10:12

leads me to think i have done something wrong. and why do i care if i have? because it makes me re think the entire relationship and how i was with him.
So you are worried you might be a horrible person. Do you see the link between that and him telling you that you are horrible?

Sounds to everyone but you as if you weren't any more horrible than the average human being.

But even if you were horrible to him, how does it help you to keep in touch? You can't change the past: all you can change is your future behaviour. Go get some therapy to work out why you think you are horrible, do the programme suggested above and work things through yourself. None of this requires any contact with your ex.

another20 · 12/09/2018 10:12

It’s the classic nasty/nice/nasty routine that all abusers employ to keep you confused, so you keep coming back for more.

He just wants to yank your chain to prove that he is still in control and that YOU will respond. Once he has reeled you in he chooses to hurt you. And you spend weeks emotionally winded by the interaction.

NC, block and delete. Keep out of punching distance - take off that choke chain.

He is a nasty, gaslighting abuser, when you were in a relationship with him, when he was in a relationship with his ex and still is this person.

There is nothing to understand about him. Stop wasting your time trying to decode his irrational and abusive behaviour. Do you want to fix him so you can have him back?

That is not possible.

Read up on all of the resources mentioned here to understand why YOU stayed in this relationship, why YOU are still very much emotionally invested and how YOU are still vulnerable to getting back into another similar relationship. YOU need support to understand YOU. His behaviours and motivations are irrelevant to your personal growth and progress.

TeacupTattoo · 12/09/2018 10:51

He is breadcrumbing you. It makes him feel powerful/wanted/in control. It can be hard to see this for what it is but you must. A person who cares does not play games, it just works. You need to be no contact with him at all for a fair while to get out properly in your head.
I've been here, it sucks, but it would never be a fulfilling relationship for you and once you focus on that you'll find it easier. Research breadcrumbing.

ciderhouserules · 12/09/2018 17:03

Op - he wants to be the 'one in {power'. The one in power holds all the shots, and the one who loves least holds the power.

You were crying and wanting to be 'friends' when you broke up - this gives him power.

You were just getting over him, so he sent you flowers - just to make the point that he is still out there, still in power. (And so you have proved, by constantly doubting yourself, and second guessing him...) Then when you question it, and suggest being 'friends' again, he pulls back, so that he stays in power.

The only way to free yourself of him and his power over you, is to not give a crap. Love the least.

Nothing controllers like less than being ignored, and thought nothing of. He is insignificant - stop giving him any power over you. Stop giving a crap. If he does something, anything, flowers, big gestures - ignore. He just wants to get back into your head. It's for HIM, not you.

Ignore. He is nothing.

MadamBatty · 12/09/2018 17:17

An ex did me a BIG favour once. He was horrible, cruel manipulative gaslighting & all the rest.

When I asked him ‘why did you do
All those horrible things’. He said ‘because you let me’.

Possibly the most honest thing he ever said to me.

Same as your ex

Thatsfuckingshit · 12/09/2018 18:02

You are still giving him power over you.

You are allowing him to abuse you all over again.

Stop letting him tale up head space.

SendintheArdwolves · 12/09/2018 19:19

i cant even comprehend why someone would do that, even him

You keep saying this, even after many posters have explained to you exactly why someone would do that.

What is it that is the sticking point, OP? Do you think that no one would act for those reasons, or do you think that some people might, but only really bad people, and you don't want to believe that he is one of them?

I think that you framing it to yourself as "I just don'y GET IT" is a way to give yourself permission to keep ruminating on him and the hurt he caused. You claim that you want to understand why he is behaving like this, but the truth is that you don't want to ACCEPT that the real him is nasty and the nice him you fell in love with doesn't exist.

Original poster
itsnotlight · 13/09/2018 22:02

sendintheardwolves the question of "i just dont get it" is because i kept excusing his behaviour because he was going through a hard time (battle over seeing his children - hed not done anything wrong but ex threatening to move away etc).

so i always put his behaviour down to that and forgave him almost instantly. i definitley dont want to accept the real him - i suppose i always hoped the real him was in the glimpses outside of his behaviour caused by all the stress. but then i guess many people get stressed and dont do the things he did

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 13/09/2018 22:08

Good God OP, wake up! He's using you and keeping you hanging for a quick shag.

You really need to get more in your life if you are obsessive going over and over the same stuff.

Wise up, get some self respect and move on!

Loopytiles · 14/09/2018 07:53

You are still focusing solely on him. And not on your (poor) choices and how to make better ones now and in the future. Doing that and having any contact at all with him won’t help you.

MarthasGinYard · 14/09/2018 08:30
  • i 'suppose i always hoped the real him was in the glimpses outside of his behaviour caused by all the stress. but then i guess many people get stressed and dont do the things he did'

You've had the 'real him'

Please do not be under any illusions you haven't

Stress or no stress most of us manage day to day life without cruelty to others.

The flowers are probably almost dead

Bin em