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Constructive critique of a man's dating profile please.

462 replies

LondonDecorator · 06/09/2018 23:34

If it helps I'm 43.
I've been told by my ex-partner (we're still friends) to find out what women would like to see in a dating profile. We've been separated for two years but are very communicative and co-operative for the children because we both think they come first. Parents at war with each other are not acting in their kids best interests we believe that children are blessings not weapons.

I can kind of understand why women would be put off or threatened by that but having been at war with the children used as weapons by my ex-wife before this is by far the better way for us as parents to conduct ourselves.

So I'm looking for advice because honesty doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. I've pasted my profile below and cannot stress enough that I'm not looking for a hook up here which is why I've left out the name of the site I'm on.

Feel free to edit or comment. I am looking for constructive criticism and advice not petty childish insults and abuse which seems to be the way the internet is, present company accepted. Hopefully I'm not committing romantic suicide here.

Well here goes:
*Welcome to the most honest profile you'll ever read!

I prefer messages to likes but if we have a mutual like I'll message you.

So here goes me....
I am sociable outgoing man with many varied interests who values honesty, loyalty, passion, affection and intelligence in a woman.

If you like Chas n Dave and you want to be my London Girl read on.

I'm self employed as a Decorator/ Builder. Theatre as opposed to cinema mostly, I like music, (Blues, Jazz, Rock, Metal & Classical) , dancing, food, cooking, pubs, beer, gigs, books, vintage writing instruments (fountain pens), writing, wine, cycling, museums, galleries, camping, and deep sea fishing. I also like to sing at open mic nights and occasionally Karaoke.

I'm looking for a lady who is affectionate, broadminded, passionate/ adventurous, submissive but my equal too, warmhearted, into country walks, nature plus days by the Seaside as well as all of the above who doesn't mind letting her man take the lead. A woman who considers reading together to be a romantic activity because reading is really important. Gsoh+++

A supportive sexually compatible lover and long term or life partner who is not only good for my heart but also for my soul but in the meantime let's have some fun whilst we find out if we're compatible.

Also you must like children because mine will always come first for me as yours should for you.

I plan to go travelling around Europe next year. Maybe we could both go together.

You won't change me so don't try to just love me for who I am and I'll evolve at my own pace with you.

I like dogs and dogs like me but don't have one only because I have a weird sick reflex to * from childhood, many boots have been thrown out.
I have had cats before though and would happily have one again cats are cool.

I like Marmite, Steak, Italian, Thai, Chinese, Indian, Mexican and Nando's. I'm also thinking of becoming a vegetarian except for the fish of course.

Our first meeting will be for drinks somewhere along the river it runs right through London so it's convenient for everyone. The first date will be different, a bit more off the wall, more interesting.

I'd also like to date a woman who has her own eyebrows if possible not someone who shaves them all off only to draw them back on again. I don't get it I never will.
Also those cheap tacky big hoop earrings are a massive turnoff for me.

Finally I am totally non PC and not permanently offended .*

OP posts:
CrossFlannelCherry · 07/09/2018 15:32

Your OLD profile minds me (somewhat) of a Chaz and Dave number;

OP you won't stop talking
Why don't you give it a rest?
You've got more rabbit than Sainsbury's
and an ego I detest.

You could have been the man to break my heart in two,
But you want a clever woman who'll submit to you. You're a deluded control freak, just want to get that off my chest.

Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, bunny, bunny, jabber, jabber, bunny, bunny, RABBIT!

Claw001 · 07/09/2018 15:33

dragon Grin PMSL maybe!?

Claw001 · 07/09/2018 15:35

m.youtube.com/watch?v=wOSseI1hao8

Here you go cross now we can all sing along!

I’m loving how this thread is turning into a Chas and Dave tribute thread!

tccat · 07/09/2018 15:40

Dirty Decorator, Farrow and Ball gag

HisBetterHalf · 07/09/2018 15:40

eugh horrible profile

tccat · 07/09/2018 15:41

I can imagine he has his "pasting table" as a profile pic

billyfivebellies · 07/09/2018 15:42

Have you thought about taking up fishing?

tccat · 07/09/2018 15:43

Matt Gloss, the Bros tribute act of the decorating world

iwearshortshorts · 07/09/2018 15:49

Well looks like someone read that other OLD thread from the other day and decided to take the piss

Comedy gold though. I laughed throughout 😁

explodingkitten · 07/09/2018 15:55

What are you going to do if your ideal woman (read: doll who reads and laughs at your jokes) has a paragraph on her profile that for the first date you will go paragliding with her (because adventurous). That would massively conflict yours then. Does she get a say in this?

dirtybadger · 07/09/2018 16:11

It is very much implied if a woman responds to your profile that she enjoys reading. You can take it out.

As a rule don't mention shit.

Claw001 · 07/09/2018 16:16

The OP hasn’t been back in 12 pages.

Botney bay

hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2018 16:17

Boris Johnson’s wife has kicked him out, now this turns up on here. I don’t believe that is a coincidence
OMG, I just spat my chewed up, dry roasted peanuts all over my laptop.
That is genius!

hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2018 16:17

Of course OP hasn't been back.
This isn't real, but it's certainly kept me amused and entertained!

Claw001 · 07/09/2018 16:26

It’s not real Shock

mostdays · 07/09/2018 16:46

There is something very familiar about the OP.

itbemay · 07/09/2018 16:47

@tccat Grin

ClosdesMouches · 07/09/2018 17:01
Hmm
nicebitofquiche · 07/09/2018 17:09

I'd stop reading at broadminded. Not because I'm not but anyone who has to mention it is usually a bit freaky.

dragonflyflew · 07/09/2018 17:12

Today 15:41 tccat

I can imagine he has his "pasting table" as a profile pic

Grin
dragonflyflew · 07/09/2018 17:14

As a rule don't mention shit.

Another laugh out loud moment, this time walking down the road alone.

Please mnhq let this thread run and run even if it does turn out to be fake ( I actually believe it's real.)

theboxofdelights · 07/09/2018 17:18

Flipping heck, that’s all 😂.

Lynne1Cat · 07/09/2018 17:23

Too much information...what would you talk about? It's already all listed.

Submissive, passionate, and any sexual references - get rid of those things.

No need to drone on about the dog situation. The same as all your likes and hobbies.

I'm not looking for anyone, but I's day these are what I'd want:

Smart, intelligent, good sense of humour, employed, a good listener, confident, loves to chat.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2018 17:37

Bye, Felipe

We have seen your type before. Over and over. You just won't fuck off.

FaFoutis · 07/09/2018 18:01

It was a few years ago but I remember a thread starting in a similar way to this and ending up in a cock photo. The cock was in a kitchen full of dirty dishes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread