Online profile cliches - share!

[Goldilocks3Bears]

Other than the many many many pictures of men in cycling gear and holding fish, some of the profile cliches are just insane 😂

“Don’t take life too seriously” - ok, this is a rehearsal then?!

“Looking for a partner in crime” - what does that even mean?

“School of life” - unless you’re Oprah, nope.

I exchanged numbers with a man who informed me within minutes of speaking he'd "just got out" took a closer look at his photos and it was clear they were taken outside the prison.

He couldn't understand why I didn't want to go to the cinema with him, he was happy to drive to me and just sit in his car... but would have to be in the day because he was on tag

I blocked him but somehow he found me on Instagram...so had to block there too...

OLD is pretty great when you think about it. The red flags are there in plain sight for all to see and you don't even have to date these losers to find out their true motives.

Makes it easy to separate the wheat from the chaff.

I would/might like kids one day and they're about 52

OK - this won’t go down very well but I found it funny...

The Women's Edition Personal Ad Translator -
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in women's personal ads:

40-ish: 48
Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic: Flat-chested
Average looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
Educated: College dropout
Emotionally Secure: Medicated
Feminist: Fat; ball buster
Free spirit: Substance user
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Full-figured: Fat
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline Autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud
Passionate: Loud
Poet: Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional: Real B*tch
Redhead: Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque: Grossly Fat
Romantic: Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous: Very Fat
Weight proportional to height: Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate: One step away from stalking
Widow: Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart: Toothless crone

Prison guy is a catch. Or a dose, more like.

I'd say the kids not needing a dad thing is fair enough. There are creepy guys who target single mothers, either because they think they're desperate to have a ' complete' family or because they want access to the kids. It's a coded 'fuck off' to them.

"I like a laugh"...profile picture looks like a scary mug shot of someone who hates life

One liners, something like ‘don’t know what to say ask me lol’
Oh yes, those. One contacted me and when I said I had no idea if I was interested or not because he'd not filled out his profile he said "ask me". So I asked him all the questions that he hadn't answered on his profile
He didn't reply.

CandidaAlbicans brilliant!

' keen cyclist' / pic of bike always made me ignore as it always meant they spent every sat/sun cycling. I found it amazing how many seemingly intelligent men confessed proudly they continued their peddling right through marriage/ baby/ divorce and never stopped to wonder why their wife didn't like playing second fiddle to their non stop weekend bike rides.

Saw pic of Henry hoover on one, turned out to be hot shot lawyer who wanted to pop round and do my housework naked (!) for a nano second I though fantastic I can go to the gym and not clean before realising I would be expected to watch him:) I declined his kind offer.

At least two couples we know are at war over the husband’s prioritising of bike rides over everything else so think you are on to something there, Sardines.

What first attracted you to the Henry Hoover picture, BTW? I assume that he didn’t explain his naked housework fetish on his profile...did he???

I’ve just started OLD and have experienced a lot of this 😔Made me laugh reading it because it’s so true although as some others have said perhaps a tad harsh in some respects. One guy asked in hi S first message if I had FaceTime or Skype. I was immediately wary and asked why. He came straight back with ‘because I want to sing to you naked’.

Makes you wonder why we all do it! 🤔

Nettle, I wasn't attracted to the hoover pic he sent me a message - enquiring if I needed any housework doing:)

The ones on Bumble who say "on this app the woman has to message, so don't swipe right unless you are going to get in touch"

Yes sir! I know how the app works thank you very much and if I want to put you in a holding pile for the next few hours while I make up my mind, that's exactly what I will do. It's the whole point of the app... I'm in control.

I haven't done OLD for about 5 years, but on my profile I stated that I wasn't interested in anyone with dependent children.

Cue quite a few blokes insisting on how much I would love their little ones.....

Don't think I will actually....

Some more classics:

"Don't be shy"

"I don't bite"

I'm not scared... I just don't want to message you, you weirdo!

I don’t bite, well not unless you ask me to 😜

This is my worst one, just why?

The ones who send a message asking if you are 'up for a bit of fun', and huff in a rage of 'Your fuckin loss then', when you politely respond 'No'.

The one who put, 'anal sex on kitchen tables' as a hobby.

The one who lied by a decade about his age and accused me of not fancying him as if it was a crime against humanity. Almost responded, ' Not my fault you have a Nanny Mc Phee .'

The one who said the female who answered the phone was a well known female artist he was sitting for, it was his mother who had taken him in post divorce.

I really despair of OLD and now see it as fodder for comedy.

nanny Mc Phee tooth.

Saw a horrible one today actually - a picture (a bit fairy looking) of woman’s arse with bruising (hand-shaped) on it, and the headline ‘Christian Grey was here.’ I felt a little bit sick.

"Hoping to leave the single market before the EU does"

If I read this one more time...