Am I having an affair?

[Virtuallyconfused]

I'll try not to drip feed, just feeling very confused.

I joined an online forum for an interest I have and started chatting to someone. We ended up chatting privately from the main forum, and talking about our private lives after a while.

We are both married, neither with children, and live in different continents. Right from the start we have both been clear that we would never meet up in real life, or leave our relationships.

But our conversations have gone from chat, to frank conversations about our lives and relationships, and now to talking in a sexual way.

We aren't in love, we are just friends, and will never ever make this a reality.

It developed so easily, and feels so nice to have someone I can be open and honest with.

It doesn't feel wrong, because it feels like it will never impact on my real life.

But is it a friendship or an affair anyway?

Affair. You are emotionally involved with someone other than your partner.

What if you partner found those messages I think then it would impact on your real life. Would you be happy with your other half talking sexually to another person online ?

We'll, the easy test is to picture how your DH would feel were he to find out.

You say it won't affect your relationship, but I suspect that's only because you don't intend your DH to ever know. I assure you, that is NOT the same thing as not affecting your relationship, that's just pain that hasn't yet been felt.

Emotional affair.

You are investing in another relationship that isn’t your marriage.

Time to end it.

I think you have to end it.

You've gone from chatting with a person to sexual talk. Your OHs would be very hurt if they found out. You didn't mean to go looking for an affair but here you are. End it and cut all contact with the person out of kindness to everybody involved.

Right from the start we have both been clear that we would never meet up in real life, or leave our relationships.

I think when you have to specify you won’t leave your OH for this, it crosses a line past friendship, otherwise you wouldn’t need to say it.

What happens when this ‘fizzles out’ and you start to chat with someone who lives closer to you?

This is an emotional affair.

What do you mean by ‘talking in a sexual way’? I mean, are you discussing your DH’s erectile dysfunction or preference for doggy, or describing what you and your online personwould do to one another? What is it that you can’t be ‘open and honest’ about with your DH or friend’s?

right from the start.... you have been clear you would never leave your relationships? So the idea of some kind of affair was on the cards from the off?
You know the answer, sorry. Your DH would be devastated to read your emails and you’d have a serious amount of explaining to do. You need to come away from that website pronto.

All the time you spent chatting with this person you could be spending with dp. What happens when you start having phone sex? Will you still think it's harmless? You're playing with fire.

We have started "sexting" I think the term is?

And we've started thinking about when to find a time to talk when our OH aren't around.

That is what gave me a jolt that this might be more affair than friendship.

But we both wish each other well with our respective relationships, and talk about walking away if the issues we face in RL went away - in terms of our marriages becoming more fulfilling. So, just friends?

Sounds like you’re an internet fuck buddy. They can walk away whenever they like. They’re not bothered. Did you initiate the sex talk or them? Think carefully about how this progressed. Look back on your conversations with a critical eye.

Also they could literally be anybody. Imagine if they aren’t who they say they are and you have shared all this info with someone totally different to what you thought. Even if there’s a fb/twitter/mobile number to back them up they could still be anybody - it’s very easy to have fake profiles etc

Why are you sexting a man on another continent? Don’t see the point myself. And yes I would call that an affair as you are sneaking around.

Wise up Virtuallyconfused. You're not just friends, you're having an affair.

Cease. All. Contact. Immediately.

Do you think your marriages are likely to become more fulfilling when you’re both putting your emotional and sexual efforts into someone else?

You are sexting another person. Of course it's an affair!

you are having an affair no two ways about it, it is an emotional affair

we've started thinking about when to find a time to talk when our OH aren't around suggesting you dont want you DH to find out this is sneaking around

If my husband did this I would call it an affair and I know he would too. Would be a deal breaker and I would end the marriage, I feel very strongly about cheating, both physically and emotionally.

Show your dh the messages and let him decide.

Right from the start we have both been clear that we would never meet up in real life, or leave our relationships

That’s so weird! Who does that?

You’re in denial big time, op.

Yes I agree let your OH be the decider .

These things can escalate. My old colleague ended up surreptitiously travelling across Europe, to spend a couple of nights with someone she'd been talking too online. I agree it's over the line. Knock it on the head or accept you aren't satisfied in your marriage.

Right from the start we have both been clear that we would never meet up in real life, or leave our relationships.

This isn't something that just friends would need to clarify.

But our conversations have gone from chat, to frank conversations about our lives and relationships, and now to talking in a sexual way.

Just like an affair would. Entirely not like an innocent friendship would.

We aren't in love, we are just friends, and will never ever make this a reality.

You're not just friends, and just because it's words on a screen doesn't make it not real.

it developed so easily, and feels so nice to have someone I can be open and honest with

Put this effort into your marriage, not Bill the hairy trucker with the bad teeth and the weird smell from the internet.

It doesn't feel wrong, because it feels like it will never impact on my real life

Wise UP!! This is affair talk. The words you type to a person on a forum are real. The feelings you have for them are real. The person, well they could definitely be not the person you think they are, but it's a real person you are talking with. Stop saying it's not real, and give your head a wobble about ethics and whether it really truly doesn't feel wrong if you're also concealing it and sexting. Put yourself in your partners shoes.

But is it a friendship or an affair anyway?

You're sexting, and hiding the "friendship" from OH. It's not a friendship, it's an affair.

We have started "sexting" I think the term is?

Not a thing friends do.

And we've started thinking about when to find a time to talk when our OH aren't around.

Also not a thing friends do.

That is what gave me a jolt that this might be more affair than friendship.

Bingo!

we both wish each other well with our respective relationships

... just not quite well enough to be a good enough friend to not engage in behaviour likely to damage their relationship, like sexting or a secret relationship.

and talk about walking away if the issues we face in RL went away - in terms of our marriages becoming more fulfilling

How likely is it that your marriage will get more fulfilling if you're pouring your emotional and sexual focus into somebody else?

So, just friends?

NO.

🙄 at the wide eyed innocence.

@subspace

doesnt get much more clear than that !