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Original poster

Am I having an affair?

125 replies

Virtuallyconfused · 02/09/2018 08:23

I'll try not to drip feed, just feeling very confused.

I joined an online forum for an interest I have and started chatting to someone. We ended up chatting privately from the main forum, and talking about our private lives after a while.

We are both married, neither with children, and live in different continents. Right from the start we have both been clear that we would never meet up in real life, or leave our relationships.

But our conversations have gone from chat, to frank conversations about our lives and relationships, and now to talking in a sexual way.

We aren't in love, we are just friends, and will never ever make this a reality.

It developed so easily, and feels so nice to have someone I can be open and honest with.

It doesn't feel wrong, because it feels like it will never impact on my real life.

But is it a friendship or an affair anyway?

OP posts:
NonJeNeRegretteRien · 02/09/2018 09:49

Yes you are having an affair.

Stop it.

Original poster
Virtuallyconfused · 02/09/2018 10:23

I may sound naive, but I've never been in this situation before. The fact we have no intention of ever making it a physical reality means it doesn't feel real...it's just words.

I don't feel jealous that he's with his wife, and for me it really feels like an addition to my current real life, not a replacement. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
Djnoun · 02/09/2018 10:25

I think this is a good example of toxic monogamy. You are expected to have every facet of your personality matched and fulfilled by one person and any other connections to be cut off dead. Which puts a huge amount of pressure on the single relationship.

I think you should continue to talk to this person, as it would be a shame to destroy the bond between you. But maybe rein in the sexual stuff a little. I wouldn't call it cheating, personally. But adding drama into a fantasy that can't be fulfilled by sketching out the details of what you would do to each other in different circumstances might begin to be painful.

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 02/09/2018 10:28

That I believe is referred to as a “side piece”

I think you need to be honest and realistic about the way things have developed... first you just chatted on the forum, then PMs, talk was friendly, then it was personal, then intimate, now it’s sexual.... can you see a pattern here?

sexnotgender · 02/09/2018 10:30

Emotional affair.

I tend to think- would I be upset if my husband messaged another woman this to judge whether something is appropriate or not.

Would you be upset at the messages you’ve sent if it was your husband writing them?

Original poster
Virtuallyconfused · 02/09/2018 10:31

Thanks DJnoun, that's what it feels to me, a nice friendship and bond where we get to explore things we otherwise couldnt.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 02/09/2018 10:35

If you are messaging things you’d like to do to each other sexually, role playing or whatever, then you know that’s inappropriate. How would you feel if you found those messages on your partner’s phone?

It sounds like you’re getting a fix from these messages.

certificateofauthenticity · 02/09/2018 10:36

If you can tell your husband about it, and share all the messages, then it is fine. If not, you are breaking his trust and taking time from your marriage relationship. It's quite simple really. Look up the definition of an affair. This meets the criteria. Minimising, lying by omission, denial.... And so on. Yup... That's the script...

Alfiemoon1 · 02/09/2018 10:43

Yep emotional affair. How would you feel if your dh was doing this behind your back ?

Orlandointhewilderness · 02/09/2018 10:44

ha typical - OP completely ignoring the huge amount of posts that say affair and latching on to the one person who obviously has the same morals she has. YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR. you don't 'sext' friends. Would you be happy with your dh doing this?! tell him and find out what he thinks.

subspace · 02/09/2018 10:45

head, desk, meet, repeat

An affair IS an addition to your current life, not a replacement.

@VirtuallyConfused If it's all above board, why are you not telling your husband about this guy? @DJnoun I think OP's situation is f'd up and nothing to do with toxic monogamy, even though I agree with you that usually not every facet of personality and relationship can be matched by one person: that's what friends, and, if discussed and agreed, open relationships are for.

What OP is describing is hidden from her partner and involving things that he likely wouldn't think are part of a normal married wife's range of healthy friendships, and I doubt he'd consent to her sexting with another person. It's absolutely worlds apart from being an innocent and healthy friendship.

But I have a feeling @VirtuallyConfused is going to go with the one post that validates her actions, so perhaps I'm done here.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/09/2018 10:46

‘Gave you a jolt’. Bullshit - you knew what this was potentially right from the get-go.

You know you’re in an emotional affair.

sexnotgender · 02/09/2018 10:46

I thought the same orlando.

85 posts saying yes you’re having an affair that the OP totally ignores but answers the 1 post that says what they want to hear.

Thatsfuckingshit · 02/09/2018 10:50

Before you did this, how would you have felt if your dh had done this?

Why are you hiding it, it its just exploring your friendship.

Fact is that you are being deceitful and hiding things to get your sexual jollies.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 02/09/2018 10:50

I really really hope your oh finds out , (be that husband or wife as you have notably left that out) kicks your ass to the curb and finds someone who doesn’t look for kicks online from a virtual stranger ugh , makes my skin crawl .

gamerchick · 02/09/2018 10:50

Never do anything that you wouldn't mind your spouse to see.

If something is missing from your relationship then sort that out. This is just filling a need and the longer it goes on the more you'll need to feed it. It'll consume you and damage your relationship.

Time to say goodbye to the internet affair OP.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 02/09/2018 10:53

Actually this sounds really similar to another thread , have you posted before? The online person was younger by many years and the poster just deemed it as “harmless fun” . I think you’re just seeking attention on here to be honest and want to share your “exciting other life” with someone . It’s not exciting , it’s seedy and cheap and cliche. 🙄

crimsonlake · 02/09/2018 10:59

You are now talking about sex with him but questioning whether this is a friendship? You know the answer to this without needing to ask don't you?

Goldilocks3Bears · 02/09/2018 11:16

This is an online affair. You’re both indulging because your needs are being met for attention and frisson (love that word).

Time so block his ass.

DidimusStench · 02/09/2018 11:22

Do you sext your other friends then OP?

The fact we have no intention of ever making it a physical reality means it doesn't feel real...it's just words.

Yeah that’s what people say to justify their shitty behaviour. It’s not true though.

Musti · 02/09/2018 11:27

How would you feel if your dh was sexting someone? How would your dh feel if he found out?

Djnoun · 02/09/2018 12:57

It's very common on the relationships board to see this narrative that an affair, or even in this case, not an affair, is the most evil sin anyone could possibly degrade themselves to.

But at the same time, it doesn't work, does it? Forcing someone to exclude all others from their lives, including even just someone who is good to chat to and you might fancy a bit, but who you are never going to meet, just increases the pressure on a monogamous relationship.

Jealousy is a powerful emotion. But is it logical? Does it actually matter if your main partner is close to people other than you? Particularly in this very vague sense, of having a crush on a penpal?

Thatsfuckingshit · 02/09/2018 13:00

Djnoun what's your point? If people don't want to be monogamous, they don't have to be. They do need to make their partner aware and let their partner decide for themselves.

The op is lying and hiding this from her husband. Every open relationship I have known that worked, did so because of trust.

Dg89 · 02/09/2018 13:10

I can't believe what I am reading or how it can be justified anything other than having an emotional affair. The marriage is obviously not strong if you want to talk to someone else in a sexual way. Tell your husband if you want to keep doing and see what he says. But seriously stop it. You are going to crush your husbands heart and maybe split over some one who you want to talk to sexually in another continent. It's plain and simple to me its WRONG.

Djnoun · 02/09/2018 13:16

My point is that the fetishisation of monogamy leads to the falsehood that one person can entirely emotionally nourish you for the rest of your life.

I said to the OP it's probably sensible to cut down the sexual side of things. But I don't see any reason why she can't have a strong connection to another human being without that somehow lessening her bond with her partner.