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Original poster

Am I having an affair?

125 replies

Virtuallyconfused · 02/09/2018 08:23

I'll try not to drip feed, just feeling very confused.

I joined an online forum for an interest I have and started chatting to someone. We ended up chatting privately from the main forum, and talking about our private lives after a while.

We are both married, neither with children, and live in different continents. Right from the start we have both been clear that we would never meet up in real life, or leave our relationships.

But our conversations have gone from chat, to frank conversations about our lives and relationships, and now to talking in a sexual way.

We aren't in love, we are just friends, and will never ever make this a reality.

It developed so easily, and feels so nice to have someone I can be open and honest with.

It doesn't feel wrong, because it feels like it will never impact on my real life.

But is it a friendship or an affair anyway?

OP posts:
Musti · 02/09/2018 23:21

Also let me tell you from someone who has started online dating. Some are very different in real life to online.

hammeringinmyhead · 03/09/2018 07:13

It doesn't matter if it's physical, it's still cheating. Exactly as if you were sitting across the table from each other in Starbucks every few days saying all this to each other. Not touching doesn't make it all harmless. This is NOT a friendship.

ShatnersWig · 03/09/2018 08:08

You're talking bollocks, OP, and you know it. You wouldn't have asked otherwise. You've clearly got far too much time on your hands to spend chatting to this guy or coming on here trying to come across as misunderstood. Yeah right.

NadiaLeon · 03/09/2018 08:12

Not an affair.
Being invested emotionally with someone is not an affair. I have This with friends and colleagues.

MiniTheMinx · 03/09/2018 08:13

Is intention everything or is it to do with reciprocal interaction? Or both?

Does your husband watch porn, watch web cams, go to strip clubs, read erotica, looking at women in the street, have good female friends, engage in interests or hobbies with another woman, or flirt, or developed a close supportive relationship with another woman?

Then think about these activities in terms of intention and whether they are reciprocal relationships.

Logically, is porn similar to webcams? No
Is erotic literature similar to exchanging sexual texts? No
Is looking at someone in the street the same as flirting? No

Is playing badminton once a week with Lucy the same as becoming emotionally dependent on Lucy? No

But what if he was playing badminton with Lucy, flirting with her, talking about sex with her, hiding it from you and becoming emotionally dependent on her. What would you call this OP? Forget the distance, consider if it's intentional and reciprocal.

I think on the face of it this sort of activity appears similar to other forms of titillation. It's harmless, it's wank fodder, it can remain private from your partner, won't impact or replace your partner. On the face of it appears similar to any sort of supportive close friendship that won't impact or replace.

But think about it. What do you look for in a committed relationship........sexual interest, emotional support, friendship......and it must be intentional and reciprocal. This is why you are bang out of order OP.

A friend of mine died tragically. For months her scum of a husband had been busy "connecting" with a woman on another continent. Late at night, early mornings. She tried to play this down. When she had the next serious asthma attack instead of staying with her, getting the nebuliser and ringing 999, he left the nebuliser out of reach, left her and went to walk the dogs. She died. And he tried to cover his tracks by ringing my mum to rush over. He didn't ring an ambulance until some 15 minutes later. Yet the ambulance arrived to house just before him. I hate this man. I hold him responsible for her death. He later joined his internet friend on her continent. You see, this sort of interaction is not harmless it forever changes how you see your partner and how you treat them. It's not fantasy, it's real.

Funicorn · 03/09/2018 08:27

Why on earth are you sexting a man you have never met ? It has already impacted on your life - it is taking valuable time away from your life with someone who could be anyone !

Aw12345 · 03/09/2018 08:59

Emotional affair.

hiddeneverything · 03/09/2018 09:08

He could be anyone. He could be some sex pest who lives with his mum or some teenager on the wind up

hammeringinmyhead · 03/09/2018 09:13

@NadiaLeon I sincerely hope you don't send explicit sexual messages to friends and colleagues. Hmm

MiniTheMinx · 03/09/2018 09:14

He could be some fruit loop who turns up on your doorstep

Mwnci123 · 03/09/2018 09:33

Yes

NadiaLeon · 03/09/2018 09:52

Hammering

I don't send mucky messages. I was saying that you can be emotionally invested in someone without having an affair.

crispysausagerolls · 03/09/2018 10:22

Gosh, this faux innocent 'what me?' bullshit is tedious to read. Of course it's a fucking affair. I don't sit around with my friends telling them I want to fuck them and I would presume you don't either, with any of your real friends. Don't be so wilfully obtuse.

This. You are risking your marriage.

MiniTheMinx · 03/09/2018 10:23

I also find the term emotional affair confusing. And yes you can be emotionally invested in others, but I'm not confused about what OP describes. As I said before it's context, it's intention and in this case it's reciprocal, and it's about sex. It may not be an affair depending on your definition, it certainly isn't just fantasy or comparable to reading erotica, writing erotica, watching porn or having a close friend of the opposite sex. Also the fact it's hidden means it's disloyal, deceitful and cheating.

eggncress · 03/09/2018 10:36

Have you seen a pic if this person ?
Would it matter if he has rotten teeth and looks like a hobo?
If it is just a friendship and not an affair, it wouldn’t really bother you.

Alfiemoon1 · 03/09/2018 11:08

So u admit your dh would be devastated if he read the messages surely that answers your question as to if it’s an affair or not
Who will be harder to say goodbye to your husband or your texting buddy

InteriorLulu · 03/09/2018 11:28

Sorry OP....you are having an emotional affair. Probably best to sort out your marriage because it seems like you aren't getting what you need from your DH.

I've been on the other side of this - my DH had a six month emotional affair. I can guarantee your DH knows something is wrong. He just hasn't worked it out yet.

Sort it out. It's not a friendship. You're too close for that.

IrianOfW · 03/09/2018 12:40

Yes you are.

HTH

inmyfeelings · 03/09/2018 12:42

Personally I think you should end your marriage . Your dh deserves better .

subspace · 03/09/2018 13:48

@NadiaLeon have you RTFT? OP is sexting. Bit more than being emotionally invested in a friend.

NadiaLeon · 03/09/2018 14:13

As per my message I was responding to Hammering who said being emotionally invested is an affair.
Please read what I wrote before y0u ask me to rtft

Onthebrink87 · 03/09/2018 15:52

If your dh told you he was going for a bath but was actually in the bathroom texting another woman giving her a detailed description of how he would like to bed her over and fuck her stupid all whilst sitting with his cock in his hand..... what would you call it?

That's the seedy reality of it op.

Shame on you.

Joysmum · 03/09/2018 16:19

You know this is inappropriate because you can’t show your DH all the messages. You also know you aren’t talking to any of your other friends in the same way. Lastly, you’re finding excuses to minimise what you’re doing to justify it and clearly would prefer to continue if you don’t get caught when you know this would absolutely devastate your DH. Sad

LuckyDonnelly · 03/09/2018 23:29

Sounds to me that you are just fed up and lonely. Don't beat yourself up or allow any of the others on here to either. If you enjoy the thrill go for it. You might even think about having some NSA fun just be careful and discreet. Lifes too short for regrets.

hammeringinmyhead · 04/09/2018 09:06

@NadiaLeon I bloody did not! I said:

It doesn't matter if it's physical, it's still cheating. Exactly as if you were sitting across the table from each other in Starbucks every few days saying all this to each other. Not touching doesn't make it all harmless. This is NOT a friendship.

Referring to the content (sexual).