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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I having an affair?

125 replies

Virtuallyconfused · 02/09/2018 08:23

I'll try not to drip feed, just feeling very confused.

I joined an online forum for an interest I have and started chatting to someone. We ended up chatting privately from the main forum, and talking about our private lives after a while.

We are both married, neither with children, and live in different continents. Right from the start we have both been clear that we would never meet up in real life, or leave our relationships.

But our conversations have gone from chat, to frank conversations about our lives and relationships, and now to talking in a sexual way.

We aren't in love, we are just friends, and will never ever make this a reality.

It developed so easily, and feels so nice to have someone I can be open and honest with.

It doesn't feel wrong, because it feels like it will never impact on my real life.

But is it a friendship or an affair anyway?

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 02/09/2018 13:42

Well that only works if the husband knows and consents to it!! People have different views but I'm guessing that he wants his wife to be faithful!

Thatsfuckingshit · 02/09/2018 13:56

Djnoun you don't see a reason why?

Because she is married and they have agreed that their connection will be the most important.

You think it's ok that she is hiding this?

SuperSuperSuper · 02/09/2018 14:00

I understand what you're gaining from this OP. I get it, I really do.

I still think it's wrong though.

Consider the fallout if your spouse suspects something and discovers the messages.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/09/2018 14:09

I said to the OP it's probably sensible to cut down the sexual side of things. But I don't see any reason why she can't have a strong connection to another human being without that somehow lessening her bond with her partner.

Oh absolutely - but she also needs to be clear with her partner and ensure that he's happy with her having a strong emotional connection to another man; whether sexual or not.

If he's not, this isn't fair on him. She's changing the boundaries to suit herself in the middle of their relationship. If he's happy with jt; OP can carry on in plain sight. Although I suspect OP and OM may fizzle our without the danger and excitement of it being "wrong".

sprinklesandsauce · 02/09/2018 14:16

OP, if you are feel that you are doing nothing wrong, then discuss this with your DH and show him all the messages. His reaction should tell you what you need to know.

Anything that is secret and hidden is wrong and you know it

subspace · 02/09/2018 18:24

@Djnoun

It's very common on the relationships board to see this narrative that an affair, or even in this case, not an affair, is the most evil sin anyone could possibly degrade themselves to. But at the same time, it doesn't work, does it? Forcing someone to exclude all others from their lives...

It works for a great many people. Remember we only see the problems people are having with relationships on this board.

And it's not force. People make a commitment to one another. It's mutually agreed.

Does it actually matter if your main partner is close to people other than you?

It does if it breaches what you have agreed with that partner. If you're a fan of open relationships you must be aware that communication is king, for them to be a success. Consent is right up there too. OP is not in an open relationship, and what's more she isn't communicating and is doing something that her partner would likely feel is a breach of the agreement that she has with him.

If there is no problem here, there will be no problem with OP telling her husband all about Mr Internet. But she hasn't done that, and from her lack of response, isn't going to, either.

Annabelle4 · 02/09/2018 19:43

You're playing with fire OP.

It's fantasy, just that. I'll assume it's on Instagram you met... you've seen his hilarious memes, his amazing holiday, his humour, your shared interest... all the 'good' bits... everything he wants you to see. It's not real

If he was a decent guy, would he do this to his wife? Does he show any concern for her inbetween the sexting with you ?
How do you know he isn't messaging other women?

What happens if you get deeper and deeper with him, and think that you're in love with him?

How would you feel if your dh was in such contact with a woman he met online? Picture yourself reading the messages. Picture your husband reading these messages, and the shame and disgust you'd feel.

You need to end this...

Annabelle4 · 02/09/2018 19:43

And yes it is an affair...

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 02/09/2018 19:55

Would you be happy for your DH to read the messages?

Seaweed42 · 02/09/2018 20:20

What sort of forum you were chatting on? Maybe this man has another few women in private chats besides you. How would you feel about that?

adayatthebeach · 02/09/2018 20:26

He’s gonna end up being in your head more than he should. You’ll be thinking of him while talking to your husband which is not being present in your life. He’s not where your reality is. Best to stop for your own sake.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 02/09/2018 20:27

OP, you've both massively overstepped the mark. Stop minimising what this is and making excuses.

If you have to ask if it's an affair, it's clear that you know it is! Hmm

Not all affairs are physical

Secretsquirrel101 · 02/09/2018 20:37

Gosh, this faux innocent 'what me?' bullshit is tedious to read. Of course it's a fucking affair. I don't sit around with my friends telling them I want to fuck them and I would presume you don't either, with any of your real friends. Don't be so wilfully obtuse.

Original poster
Virtuallyconfused · 02/09/2018 21:07

To answer a couple of points...

I've never posted about anything similar before. We are both in our early 50's.

I think when we started chatting there was a understanding that as married people platonic friendship was the only goal.

That line has shifted as we have got to know each other.

OP posts:
Benjaminbuttonschild · 02/09/2018 21:08

Then end it Virtually.

Or just keep posting on here as if it's all normal.

Up to you.

Secretsquirrel101 · 02/09/2018 21:08

that line shifted when we began our affair

Fixed it for you.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 02/09/2018 21:13

It's your life OP - we're just a bunch of randoms on a forum.

Something tells me that you won't end it with this online affair because you see no harm in it as it's not physical.

Ok then. Carry on. But do so in the knowledge that there will probably be consequences. Please don't try to kid yourself that this is anything other than an affair. You've asked the question. Everyone on here has given the same resounding response. If you can live with that and the consequences that will may ensue then great.

I wish you well in life Smile

Zaidacapetown · 02/09/2018 21:16

Affair! The truth will always come out. Your partner or his partner will find these messages soon! You are playing with fire and I hope you get caught!

Original poster
Virtuallyconfused · 02/09/2018 21:29

I'm listening and trying to process.

I know my DH would probably be devastated if he read our latest messages. And I should just say good bye, but it feels so hard to do that, so minimising it as been my way to justify it.

OP posts:
Benjaminbuttonschild · 02/09/2018 21:34

Well what would be harder for you? Saying goodbye to online fut or saying goodbye to your husband?

MiddleClassProblem · 02/09/2018 21:42

The thing with an online ea is that you whilst you get to know someone whilst talking, you don’t know him in the flesh so you can make him “perfect” in your head.

He may have some really annoying habit or pick his nose and eats it at the dinner table mid conversation, he might smell a way that is disagreeable to you, he might have a strange mannerism that completely puts you off.

But right now he’s someone you click with on a personality level and you have created the rest.

It’s honestly not worth throwing your marriage away over and as you say DH would be devastated if he knew. There’s still so much unknown even though you may think you know.

ChinUpShouldersBack · 02/09/2018 21:49

I am currently divorcing my STBXH for doing exactly this. Our 3 DCs are devastated. They are also adults and therefore old enough to ask quite searching questions and be clear about their feelings towards their father.
We are some months from me discovering his messages and he realises what he's lost. His life has changed irreparably and he doesn't even want to be with her. Now his sordid little fantasy world has been discovered, he sees it for what it is. He is deeply ashamed.
Tough tits.

Original poster
Virtuallyconfused · 02/09/2018 22:00

ChinUpShouldersBack did you ex H ever have a physical relationship with his online woman?

OP posts:
ChinUpShouldersBack · 02/09/2018 22:28

He had a brief fling 6 years ago. It would have made no difference to my decision. The online thing was actually worse. Don't kid yourself that if it's not physical it's not cheating.

MistressDeeCee · 02/09/2018 22:36

It's an emotional affair and you know it so why ask the question?

If your DH were exchanging messages with a woman.. flirting, sexual chat, sharing thoughts hopes dreams emotions, would you be cool with it?

I bet if he does know about your 'friend' it's only in passing and made to sound like nothing at all, the regular chats etc not alluded to. Emotional affair-ists always have some kind of mentionitis about the person that's on their mind

Maybe his wife will find out and type 'FUCK OFF' in caps across screen, that might lift you out of la-la land

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