Strippers

[Roroba]

Ok so tonight my Husband,myself and a group of our best friends enjoyed one of the best nights out I've had in ages. We went to a few bars and as usual ended up at a local lap dancing club. We often finish the night there for the simple reason it's open late plus my sister works behind the bar. Anyway I'll get to the point.until tonight, I had no reason to question my presence there., Or justify my life to anyone, I'm blessed with a good life,I'm a happy person ,my husband and I have been happily married for 12 years And I trust him with my life.
Somehow a discussion started about a woman who had recently left her husband because he had gone on a stag party to Prague and had visited a strip club when she had strictly told him he was not allowed to do!

I'm genuinely interested to hear different views about this,it upsets me to think there are women being made to feel so disgusting and worthless by their OH that a marriage is ruined needlessly.
Sorry if I'm rambling and I hope I haven't caused anyone offence .

What are you interested in? Why some women have an issue with strip clubs and see them as a deal breaker? Why would that mean they're made to feel disgusting and worthless by their OH?

Or is your question about men who do things that they know are a deal breaker for their wives/girlfriends?

I guess I’m curious about both.. why are strippers such a threat to some women and not to others, why are some men incapable of treating their partners with respect which creates trust and strength for both I think? And I was referring to a comment on here from a woman who had been made to feel disgusting and worthless by her husband , for similar reasons.
I’m not hear to argue, coming from a sheltered background i can understand the mind set. Being brought up to believe that to think a certain way was dangerous, I get it.

A lot of women have issues due to the moral aspect especially round trafficking. Easily understandable.

And a lot of women dislike the thought of their husband getting off to other women, I don't see what's hard to understand there.

In terms of a woman feeling disgusting and worthless, I guess that's all in the context. If he appears to have no sex drive at home then goes out and pays for a private dance, i can see how a woman would feel that way.

If you're relaxed about them and don't have a problem then that's great, lots of women are the same as you but surely it's very easy to understand the other point of view, I don't really understand what your post is getting at.

Some women consider anyone getting semi naked with anyone within their relationship as cheating, regardless whether one of the people is getting paid. All the men who visit strippers, would they be happy if their wife got off on men watching her strip? If not, it's hypocrisy.

I'm sure I can find someone to pay me to show them my boobs. Would DH think that was OK within our marriage? Nope. So he probably shouldn't do it.

Morally, I only care if there is coercion, trafficking, abuse, economic disparity that makes free choice impossible. Oh and rape culture.

In a partnership, if one person expresses real deep dislike for something and the other person agrees not to do it, but then does it anyway, that makes that person selfish and it's almost like they're sticking two fingers up to their partner and saying fuck you and the relationship, I do what I want.

It doesn't matter what the activity is, everyone has their limits and their reasons. If one person doesn't have a problem with an activity they can discuss it, invite their partner to try it out or try to share it with them. He didn't take his wife with him though did he? He went sneaking off after presumably agreeing not to. Hardly even in the same league as you and your husband going together.

So I don't think that's a needless end to a healthy relationship. It sounds like it was a pretty unhealthy relationship to me.

It is a personal feeling of mine that when in a relationship, the only person you should show sexual interest in is your partner, unless of course both of you are in to the open relationship/swinging idea with no coercion etc.
I'm currently in a fairly new relationship, but my partner and i were best friends prior and had discussed things such as our feelings around porn, strippers etc. I know he used to watch porn when single, however as soon as we started dating, he voluntarily gave up watching it as he always felt it was also wrong when in a relationship to be looking at someone other than your partner. Likewise i wouldn't watch porn, or the "magic mike" type films as its purely about half naked men acting sexually, and i wouldn't like him watching a film full of crotch thrusting half naked women in just thongs etc.

To be blunt, i'm not pretty. I've been overweight my whole life and have had issues with my eating as a crutch for my mental health, i'm getting there now with sustainable, safe weight loss but its going to take at least another 6 months before i'm a size i will feel comfortable or sexually attractive at. I have a birth defect with my boobs so im not confident about them, i have pcos also so i dont like my body hair, i don't feel beautiful and feminine, i have to remove my dark facial hair on a weekly basis. I have keratosis pilaris on over 50% of my body so my skin is ugly, i scar easily, covered in stretch marks, my hair is a frizz demon, i'm just not conventionally "beautiful" like the typical stripper is. Lets face it, slim/healthy curvy with nice bodies is pretty standard to be a stripper, and thats not what i look like, i'd feel disgusting and ugly if my partner chose to go into a sexual scenario like watching a woman wit ha very different body type to mine take her clothes off for his sexual excitement.

If i was confident in my own looks maybe i would feel differently, but as it is, i feel like a 1/10 where as the average stripper would be at least a 5/10. I don't want to feel second best or like a consolation prize to my partner that they cant get a woman like that as a girlfriend so they take what they can get and pay for the fantasy these women are their girlfriends.

I have a problem with it for two reasons. One, I have concerns regarding how willingly some people may have become dancers. Whilst I’m sure there are lots of people who become dancers through free will, I worry that there are also others who wouldn’t do it if they had another choice.

Secondly, I don’t want anyone with whom I’m in a committed relationship having a practically naked women on top of him. If I came home and found Sarah across the street topless straddling a boyfriend of mine, this would be unacceptable for me and I would guess most women might feel similarly. I struggle to get my head around why paying for it makes it any different.

Some women are fine with it. I used to have a neighbor whose husband used to go to the strippers before the football. She was quite open about telling people. I always found it odd that she was ok with her husband going to watch women the same age or younger than their own daughter get naked but each to their own I guess.

I wouldn't be overly thrilled with my husband going to a strip club but as long as there was no touching and he was honest about it, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me

If there was any 'extras' (& I know this does happen in some clubs as my best friend was a stripper in our younger days) then we would be over

He is morally against strippers anyway so I think it's unlikely he would go. I used to go drinking in a local strip club after work (in a bar), it was alright there & definitely no trafficked women as they were all English and mainly students at the local uni

There's probably a bit of a difference between going to a bar together where your sister is on duty and there's no chance of 'private dances', and hearing secondhand that your husband has attended a sleazy joint because he doesn't give a shit that it would upset you.

I also think it's a bit different going to a strip bar with your husband and friends as opposed to him going on his own and keeping it a secret. I doubt your husband was ogling women there in your presence. You being there makes this a very different situation to husbands that go on their own. I'm sure you can understand this?

I take your points completely.

I have an issue about how some of the women come about doing it, however having spent time ending up at one after nights out like you do I know the vast majority of the girls I spoke to there were literally just doing it as it was good money (although I don’t believe they “love it” as they often say to the men”).
I don’t have an issue with my DH going to those places; I don’t see it as massively different to him looking at porn which I also don’t have an issue with and as long as he is coming home to me I don’t see it as cheating.
I don’t think Lap dancing clubs are how people probably imagine them to be.
I do understand why people feel very strongly about it but I feel quite uncomfortable about the idea of telling my DH he can’t do something based on my views if he doesn’t share those views.

Strippers get fully naked and I think for a man to pay for a woman to rub her bits in his face and simulate sex on his lap whilst he has a gf at home is pretty poor behaviour and I wouldn't like it.

OP, how would you feel if your husband went to a strip club without you? Going together is very different to your OH going with friends, without you.

Rotoba - would you consider working as as a stripper yourself and if not , why not ? I hear it’s good money .

Would your husband be cool with that ?

It’s interesting that you think that women object to their partner going to see a stripper because they feel threatened by the stripper . Lots of men believe that too - they think it’s jealously because the stripper is supposedly Gorgeous and the wife must be fat and ugly.

So it’s all about the woman’s feelings and her irrational jealousy .

When in fact most women object to THEIR PARTNERS BEHAVIOUR for the reasons stated already. Ie they consider it infidelity and / or they object to the exploitation and objectification of other women .

I’m interested that you say you come from a sheltered backgroud yet your sister works in the sex industry and your local is a strip bar.

Oh and welcome to Mumsnet.

Roroba How many times have you and your husband been to see male strippers together? If you haven't, why not? Serious question : why wouldn't you be visiting male strippers, so that you can get your rocks off (or is it all about him?)

Are you happy to know that he thinks of these women when he wanks, or when he's having sex with you?

Are you happy for him to have a lap dance?

When did you last have a lap dance from a naked male?

I have a feeling that you are either trying to be the cool wife, or your husband has you exactly where he wants you : submissive and eager to please.

Have a look at the rest of your relationship : is it equal?

I'm genuinely interested to hear different views about this,it upsets me to think there are women being made to feel so disgusting and worthless by their OH that a marriage is ruined needlessly

What a load of bollocks.

As usual you ended your night in a lap dancing club - wish I had your life . NOT! FFS

@puguin86

You despise your OH? That is a very strong word to use...

I’m sure you think that you are one of those “cool” wives that aren’t effected by such trivial matters but ask yourself if your DH lied to you about attending and went by himself , paid for dances and didn’t tell you then you may feel slighlty differently.

Why as a happily married couple are you going to seedy strip joints anyways? Is romance that dead ? Get that you’re going to see your sister but I don’t think a family member working behind the bar would entice me into one but each to their own.

@puguin86 you sound incredibly unhappy.

I've been to clubs myself and have some friends who danced through uni, so I have experience. I don't mind at all DH going to a club but I draw the line at private dances. I comment on David Beckham's Calvin Klein ads, so a stripper isn't much different IMHO. I wouldn't appreciate him having an intimate one-on-one dance but he feels the same. Works for us

Sexual assault statistics show a spike within 1km of strip clubs. Fact.

Women should not be objects for men to stare at, to buy.

I used to be a Liberal feminist, they will tell you that women have the right to decide what they do with their body. The trouble with liberal feminism is that it never asked anything of men. Nothing.

I wouldn't be happy if my husband went to a strip club, but equally if he's on a stag do etc and everyone went into the club I wouldn't want him to look a bit under the thumb by not going in, I would be horrified if he had a private dance and I think I'd seriously feel like ending it. I don't have a issue with the women dancing, the strippers (ex strippers)I've meet have all done it for easy money. They are laughing all the way to the bank! I can't see the attraction of going to a strip club with my husband and mates at the end of a night out, in fact I can't think of anything worse really.

I’d rather they went to a strip joint (but no private dances) than hung out with a bunch of girls on a weekend away. Especially hen nights. They’re crazy