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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to make of this?

394 replies

Saturdaynightthoughts · 01/09/2018 23:08

Received a text today after no contact from DH all day - He's been out with friends.

It states:

I'll never understand why you want me to go but I'm at the station for another 30 minutes x

Is it me or does this seem a little... weird/strange/random? No contact as I said since he left this morning and I anticipate he's probably drunk

OP posts:
Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 16:18

Eldest is 8. He has autism but thankfully doesn't struggle with change in routine etc. Which is good because otherwise it could be a lot worse for him to understand.

The children are back and I've decided we'll have a lazy evening - So a dinner of their choice, a movie (hell, they can pick a sky store one, their father can pay for it!) and cuddles on the couch.
Doubt he will but if he asks to see them tomorrow it's tough, we're going to head out for a nice walk tomorrow, out for lunch and try to enjoy the last day before back to school on Wednesday.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 03/09/2018 16:23

Sorry OP but aside from the 'cheating incident' he still sounds a right twat.
Write a list of his bad points, it will come in handy if you ever start to waiver. Flowers

RainySeptember · 03/09/2018 16:35

I've been through this op and unfortunately I know you're in for a rough ride, but you sound incredibly strong and determined.

I'm glad that you've kicked him out and told your friend for rl support.

He sounds very cold. I think you need to think practically. I would suggest an appointment with a solicitor sooner rather than later, before he starts trying to strongarm you into a course of action.

I hope is ow realised he would be moving in without warning, and that he'd have his dc coming to visit regularly. I expect that'll take the shine off.

Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 16:36

I won't waiver.

The fact that he hasn't asked after his children has made me open my eyes to how selfish he is. He'd go out once or twice a month, blowing 200-400 in that month. He'd also buy alcohol to drink at home on the weekends he wasn't going out - so some months he could be spending almost 500 on alcohol / nights out just for him.
I never got a night out unless I asked someone else to babysit because he wouldn't have them if I was going out, apparently not fair to expect him to stay in watching his children Hmm

When he was here he wasn't very hands on with them. I don't recall the last time he did a jigsaw, puzzle, drawing with them. He's never done painting, play-doh or anything that could be close on 'messy'. Friday he put the eldest 2 to bed whilst I was settling the baby but rather than bedtime story etc he took his laptop upstairs and I didn't see him again until 11:30PM when he brought it down and then went to bed.
I was annoyed about it but didn't bring it up as assumed he'd had a busy week at work and needed 'down time'.

Wow. Reading all that bag, he's fucking useless. My children aren't going to be missing out on not having him here really are they?

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 03/09/2018 16:46

No, they won't.

I also suspect your poor children won't be seeing their Dad much. He sounds the type to scarper.

Thank goodness they have you.

Monday2018 · 03/09/2018 16:50

Saturdaynightthoughts. I've just read your last post and you are absolutely right. He certainly does sound useless and certainly doesn't appear to play any important role in the family. You know you will be better off without him.

Remember, he created this situation! Not you! You have nothing to feel guilty about, you are simply standing up against his shit and I applaud you for being so strong.

Sending you a big hug Flowers

Gazelda · 03/09/2018 17:10

He's one hell of a shit!
Will you be able to spend some time on Weds getting things in order - finances, benefits, paperwork etc?
Don't let him rush you into sorting his stuff. Do it when it suits you and you have time.
Tell your friends and family. Gather support.
You're being amazingly strong. Your children have one hell of a mother!

Auntpetunia2015 · 03/09/2018 17:13

Oh OP. My ex was just like that and it’s only when you write it down or talk to someone that you realise how little they did with the kids. My two were teens when we split (my decision no cheating or anything just had enough of his lazy ways and lack of interaction) he sees the kids for 2 he’s max every month he never calls them and occasionally texts them. Kids haven’t missed him at all..it was hard to learn how disconnected he was from them. Everyone I now was surprised how little he seems to care for them..he’s very happy now In his one bed flat (so kids can’t stay) with his computer games and football.

Your kids will be fine like mine are, as they’ve got you and you sound like you’ve done so much for them almost on your own that nothing will make much difference to them. Do sort your money and see the lawyer ASAP making sure he pays his way is then only way.

Good luck to your little one for Wednesday

Storm4star · 03/09/2018 17:14

Having a useless partner is definitely a lot worse than having no partner! I really don't think you and the DCs will miss having him around! The evening you have planned sounds lovely and I wouldn't be surprised if your home is a much happier place with him gone in all honesty!

mikeTV · 03/09/2018 17:35

So it sounds like it's definitely over OP, so to be practical you need to do things like council tax reduction, see if you can claim tax credits, get free 30 mins with a solicitor.

You need to make sure you have enough money and make sure he's paying enough child maintenance.

Storm4star · 03/09/2018 17:56

He probably won't be able to afford to blow £500 on alcohol when he's got child maintenance to pay! it never ceases to amaze me how these men just have no real concept of how good they have it and then just throw it all away anyway. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he tries to come back with his tail between his legs at some point. I do wonder if he's deluded enough to be thinking at the moment that you will ask him to come back? Hence why he's not making any effort. He probably thinks that in a couple of days you'll "crack" and ask him to come home. I think he's in for a big shock!

mama17 · 03/09/2018 18:28

Just read all of this. I'm so sorry to hear u have had to deal with all this but he sounds useless and u and those children deserve so much better ❤️

SugarandVinegar · 03/09/2018 18:50

I think some of these useless arseholes fool themselves that they're high stats because their wives work their socks off putting nice meals on the table for them and doing all the child care.
They're high on their delusional god complex.
Well reality is going to knock his corners off, you're the one with the foundations op - his reality is built on sand, without you running the family and all the benefits that come with it for him - he has nothing.

It's tough right now, op. You're reeling from shock and worried about the future but this stage will pass and you'll get through this and be ok.
It's clear you're too good for the twat.

SugarandVinegar · 03/09/2018 18:52

*Status not stats

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 03/09/2018 19:08

op he’s prpbably going to try to use the dc to control you. It’ll be his last area of control and to try to upset you- get a reaction.
The dc will take their cues from you, so try to be brave for them.
Lots of children don’t have both parents present at important days and they are ok!!
Your dc will be too,
Your life will be so much better without that steaming pile of shite in it.

Properjob · 03/09/2018 19:09

Keep going OP you are brilliant. One day at a time. God he sounds awful. Have a lovely evening well at least a peaceful one Flowers

HollowTalk · 03/09/2018 19:16

£500 on himself every month. What a selfish man he is.

amilosingitor · 03/09/2018 19:55

Wow. This is awful. I can imagine how horrific not getting answers feels Sad

Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 20:08

Thank you all for the supportive lovely comments, amazed by all the support.

I will be using the few hours my 4 year old is at school Wednesday to try to get finances etc in order (staggered transition)

Will come as no surprise to say he hasn't spoken to the children again.

@Auntpetunia2015 I'm sorry to hear your ex was also like this & that your children also had to go through this. It says a lot abut you that they haven't missed him Smile

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 03/09/2018 20:59

He's definitely making this decision easier for you.

Eatmycheese · 03/09/2018 21:38

I am so impressed with your composure and sense of purpose.
You will have days where it all comes crashing down and you grieve but I think you are made of strong stuff and will get through it

He is a fool to have done this to you and your children, but as long as they have you they will be fine.

You just keep going girl xxx

esk1mo · 03/09/2018 21:55

oh my what an absolute dick he is. he has clearly swanned off with his OW thinking life will be rosey. wait till the novelty wears off and he realises what he has lost, it will hit him hard.

you and your lovely children are far better off without him Flowers

miamiibiza · 04/09/2018 07:40

Thinking of you OP

MilkshakeMonkey · 04/09/2018 07:53

OP you are amazing Flowers

I can’t believe he just left, but not surprised by the lack of answers (knob)

This week is going to be tough, with one going to reception and H twatish behaviour - go easy on yourself. Spoil the kids, take any rl support going, forget housework, just get through each day one step at a time.
I would keep School in the loop too, so they know to look out for DS.

You will get through this

Strawberrybelly · 04/09/2018 08:21

You are doing so well. He is an absolute shit.