Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 15 16

Original poster

What to make of this?

394 replies

Saturdaynightthoughts · 01/09/2018 23:08

Received a text today after no contact from DH all day - He's been out with friends.

It states:

I'll never understand why you want me to go but I'm at the station for another 30 minutes x

Is it me or does this seem a little... weird/strange/random? No contact as I said since he left this morning and I anticipate he's probably drunk

OP posts:

TheLastNigel · 03/09/2018 12:23

I really hope he has a better explanation and a better attitude in person than that he seems to have had via text op and that you at least get some answers.

Properjob · 03/09/2018 12:37

Oh good point above about the money OP. Take it all for you and the kids, before he takes it, as he is ilkely to. If he asks why guess what? You don't trust him any more....

HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/09/2018 12:54

You're so amazing Op, well done for being so strong. He's seriously showing his true colours isn't he. I'd love to know where he's gone!

Is it mean of me to think there's an OW out there with an unexpected house guest that she really doesn't want on a permanent basis!

Original poster

Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 13:00

He's just gone.

Tried to say he said he'd be here at 12. No. He said he'd be here at 11...

I'm sorry I can't remember the Poster who said he'd try to blame me but you were right. He tried to turn everything around on me and refused to give any answers.

I told him to take as much stuff as he can manage today and the rest will be packed up ready for him to collect as he refused to say where he is staying.

Despite having the blame put on me and names thrown at me, he still never once asked about his kids and never once mentioned wanting to see them at any point. Apparently as I made him take today off (??!!) then he'll be at work Wednesday, so already letting his children down as he made a promise to our son he'd be there.

OP posts:

Lycrasock · 03/09/2018 13:05

Refusing to say who he’s texting....refusing to say where he’s staying.

He’s definitely having an affair - but if he keeps on denying it then he’ll be able to invent his own truth: You’ve gone crazy, super controlling and paranoid. Meanwhile he’s super innocent t but decided to leave as you are making the relationship unbearable. Then after you split up he met this woman.
If he admits to having an affair now he’ll be the bad guy and he probably doesn’t want that.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 03/09/2018 13:13

Please don't defend him to your dc. Allowing him to sit on a pedastal in their eyes when he is a twat is unfair on them imo /e.
And he is a first class twat.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 03/09/2018 13:22

Sad reading your post OP. This situation seems to be so common. Never fails to amaze me how someone can treat people so badly.
for you & your DC

HollowTalk · 03/09/2018 13:26

This thing five years ago - was it another woman? If so, is there any chance she's still on the scene?

Original poster

Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 13:36

@Hollowtalk

No. It was due to the fact that he hid debts, quite a substantial amount of them and he didn't mention a single word. To be honest, I'm still not 100% on how he managed to get debts to that amount and I don't know where the money 'went' to begin with.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 03/09/2018 13:40

God. He's been a bastard, hasn't he? Where did he say the money went to? Wasn't there a bank trail?

Original poster

Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 13:57

@Hollowtalk he said he'd 'miscalculated' his finances a few years before, making just the minimum payments meant the interest kept mounting up.
Couple before we met but I knew about those and assumed they'd been paid off when we moved in together due to what he said, later turned out they hadn't been. There never seemed to be any extra money though nor was there evidence of any even after he got a promotion.

He has always gone out Payday weekend and blown an obscene amount - usually around £200 that I know of, so could be more.
We don't have joint bank accounts.

OP posts:

HellonHeels · 03/09/2018 14:19

A few things to do today OP:

Register for single person council tax (look online for your council info)
Look at maintenance claim for children
Check if you're entitled to any benefits now he's gone

Auntpetunia2015 · 03/09/2018 14:23

Who’s name is the house in? Work out half the mortgage and his maintenance and text him the amount he needs to transfer to your account along with half the building insurance.

MrsMozart · 03/09/2018 14:23

I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a shit lass.

It's time to get house and finances organized.

Original poster

Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 14:29

I just want to thank you all again for helping / reading what I've been typing.
It's helped to keep it together but now I feel the emotions starting to kick in. Think it's because the house is so quiet at the moment too when it's been over 6 weeks of constant children.

I never thought he could be this person and I never once thought he'd turn out to be the type of person who doesn't even ask how his kids are. It's still early days so I know there's still chance for that to change. It just all feels so hard all of a sudden. The children are due back at 3:30 and I've done nothing in the time they were out.
I need to pull myself together because I'm now on a 1 person pity party and it's not going to be fun for them to come home to.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 03/09/2018 14:35

He’s unbelievable. I’m so impressed how well you have kept it together.

Properjob · 03/09/2018 14:36

We are here OP you can do this. It wasn't your fault, he is a heartless and gutless bastard who should be begging to see his kids, like you would!
Be Grey Rock. Tell the kids whatever you need to, but do try very hard not to criticise him too much to them now, its really really hard but it will just upset them. Scream and cry to your friends and the pillow/cushions.
I'm so sorry OP hang in there you will get through this and will be there for your kids, he is clearly an irresponsible selfish git, you will be better off without him you really will

Original poster

Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 14:57

Yesterday I told them Daddy had gone to his friends. This morning when my 4 year old asked, I said still at his friends.

I can't keep using that one but what I was going to say won't work.
I was going to say 'Mummy & Daddy have had a falling out and Daddy has gone away for some time out' but him & his older brother have time out from each other sometimes and when Daddy doesn't come back, I don't want them thinking if they have time out they won't come back either

I'm not going to tell them anything against him, they're too young (and the baby won't massively care at the moment) to understand grown up things and I want them to remain ignorant to as much of it as I possibly can. My 4 year old may grow up never remembering a time when his parents lived in the same house, the baby won't have ever known any different. My eldest, he'll remember, it's him & the 4 year old I need to protect from this as much as I can

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 03/09/2018 15:16

You are an amazing lady.

Your children are very lucky yo have you.

IsabellaMoltisantixx · 03/09/2018 15:29

@Saturdaynightthoughts

I'm just in shock by his behaviour so I can't imagine how you must be feeling
What a rotten person he is! 10 years is a long time. Is there any other signs he may have cheated in the past?
The ow... could it be someone from work? You say he goes out drinking a lot, do you ever get time to go out too? Just think it sounds really unfair how he's chosen to have his lifestyle
How old is your eldest
You are so strong

Storm4star · 03/09/2018 15:29

OP, I'm so sorry to see this is the outcome, but just wanted to echo what pp's are saying in that you are dealing with this so well. The one thing to remember with your DCs is it's ok if you don't have all the answers. If they ask you a difficult question it's ok to say you don't know. I always think the best thing to do in these situations is keep it simple and just keep reassuring them that you love them and are there for them. Children do adapt surprisingly quickly.

The other thing I would say is their dad needs to realise pretty sharpish that his children are a priority. The one thing that does mess children up in these situations is an unreliable parent. So things like saying he now can't take your son to school are the things that will affect them. If he starts messing around with contact don't give him more than one chance. If he can't stick to any informal agreements you may need a Court ordered one. Better for them to not see him at all than to be waiting there for him to pick them up and he doesn't show up. Given he couldn't even turn up on time today, I see that as being a possibility.

Stay strong, but it's also ok to go off and have a little cry if you need to. Your whole life has been turned upside down, and so quickly. My head is spinning from just reading it so I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. No one would expect you to just be over all that in a day! I guess what I'm saying is remember to be kind to yourself also

ketchuponpizza · 03/09/2018 15:58

I'm so sorry. Everything will eventually be revealed. Keep holding your head up high.

SupplychainNpton · 03/09/2018 16:00

Wow. He is a complete twat, isn't he?
OP - you are an amazing lady. Sounds like you were doing all of the work in the relationship, while he was doing what he wanted.

Well, his piss taking ended up with his sorry arse being dumped TWICE in 2 days, judging by that text.
Quite an impressive record from a man who clearly thinks his cock is made from solid gold.

I imagine he will be feeling like utter shit, in between sessions of furiously polishing it. Something he will obviously need to get used to.

rainbowstardrops · 03/09/2018 16:07

Well he's been and is still being an absolute bastard!!!!
How can he possibly blame you in all of this????
You sound like a great mum but it's a shame he can't say he's a great dad.
for you

MarthasGinYard · 03/09/2018 16:08

'he still never once asked about his kids and never once mentioned wanting to see them at any point. '

He's an absolute shit Op

You are on a far higher plane emotionally and intellectually by the sounds of it

Stay strong

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 15 16