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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to make of this?

394 replies

Saturdaynightthoughts · 01/09/2018 23:08

Received a text today after no contact from DH all day - He's been out with friends.

It states:

I'll never understand why you want me to go but I'm at the station for another 30 minutes x

Is it me or does this seem a little... weird/strange/random? No contact as I said since he left this morning and I anticipate he's probably drunk

OP posts:
Beerincomechampagnetastes · 03/09/2018 08:19

He’s playing you op — smoking you out.

There are 2 possible scenarios,

1- he’s with the other woman
2- he’s waiting for you to contact him and playing the victim... my hysterical wife accuses me of playing away and checks my phone.

Either scenario is cowardly and not the behaviour of a mature responsible adult in a committed relationship.

I hope you can see the light soon. He’s a waste of your time.

Gazelda · 03/09/2018 08:23

Well that gives you a bit of time to get things straight for the DC and in your own head.
I'd still leave it to him to communicate with you. And tell D.C. that daddy's away with work.

But he's going to have to get in touch today to get more clothes and stuff? Or to apologise, explain and talk with you honestly.

FairyFace · 03/09/2018 08:58

This is so sad, cheating is bad enough but giving you the cold shoulder and not even trying to fix things is like a punch in the gut x 100. OP you deserve better than this. He obviously doesn't mind finishing it, and this is the easy way out for him. But let me tell you when the dust settles and he see's things clearer , I hope you will have realised that life most certainly can go on without him. He needs to get his shit together for his kids at the very least. You sound like you gave him utmost trust , if my dh was deleting msgs and call logs I'd have had it out with him a long time ago. Like myself, you got too used to giving him an inch and him taking a mile, all because we trust them and well hey isn'[t that what adults do? I hope you still enjoy your little ones first day at school, they are most important xxx

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 09:02

I can't believe he's not even phoned to speak to the kids. That's unforgivable in itself.
He's showing his true colours and where his priorities lie.
You sound strong - he'll regret this but I have a feeling you won't.

Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 09:04

I've received this:

'Can watch the kids this morning? I need to come over to talk and grab some more of my things'

i've said no. Haven't given him a reason as to why, just 'No'.
I have plans with them this morning (nothing that can't wait) but I'm not dropping things and the children just because he asked.
Saying that, I also don't want them here when he comes to get some of his things.

How do I deal with this? What am I supposed to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 09:05

No idea why it got rid of the Starred out name. He was wanting my friend to watch them

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 03/09/2018 09:05

No is fine. He should be asking you when it's convenient.

MarthasGinYard · 03/09/2018 09:06

Well done keep strong Thanks

"When are you coming"

And take dc out.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 09:06

Tell him a time that suits you. Don't let him in the house on his own but maybe get someone to watch the kids so you can be there.
Do everything on your terms.

Has he even asked how the kids are?

PattiStanger · 03/09/2018 09:35

The grab more things bit does suggest he's not going to try and persuade you to let him come home and that he has somewhere to stay at short notice - family? friend? or OW?

Sorry you're going through this

Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 10:05

He seemed keen to come this morning and I suspect he'd have just turned up anyway so I have taken the bull by the horns and arranged for the kids to go have a playdate & lunch at my friends.

He hasn't asked how they are or anything. He ignored the part of the message where I asked if he'd be wanting to see them before they go back to school.

OP posts:
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 10:11

So he’s a shit dad as well as a shit husband.

I suspect he’s going to say he feels trapped by domestic responsibilities.....

Your kids are very lucky to have you. He will be the one that misses out not them. Hope it goes as well as it can do.

MrsMozart · 03/09/2018 10:14

What an arse. He definitely thinks the grass is greener.

I know it won't feel like it now lass, but you'll be well rid.

MadeForThis · 03/09/2018 10:22

He's playing power games. Don't engage. And don't ask him questions. It gives hi power. Yes no answers. Facts. No emotions. Try not to get into a conversation.

This must be so so hard. X

SparklyMagpie · 03/09/2018 10:28

Says it all he's not asked about the children and ignored you when you mentioned them. What a prick

Stay strong OP! Xx

AnyFucker · 03/09/2018 10:40

You sound impressive, op

Him...not so much.

Eatmycheese · 03/09/2018 10:49

And so it begins.
Don’t fall for any of his BS, though you don’t sounds as though you will.

Very sorry that he’s done this to you all

HollowTalk · 03/09/2018 11:07

"To talk" will mean to blame you for everything he's done.

There's usually a pattern:

Deny
Deny
Deny
Blame
Admit a bit - but it's your fault
Deny
Cry
Blame
Admit a bit more (usually forgotten what they admitted in the first place)
Blame
Cry
Cry
Threaten suicide
Live with someone else who's clearly been around for ages

Play Bingo this morning, OP, and don't be taken in by his gaslighting bullshit.

Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 11:29

Can't even do the decent thing and arrive on time.. Hmm I'm not waiting all day.

OP posts:
IsabellaMoltisantixx · 03/09/2018 11:41

@Saturdaynightthoughts
I'm
So shocked by his attitude op and feel for you

Can I ask how long have you been with him? What was your relationship like prior to this?

He will regret this losing his children and partner what a twat

sparklepops123 · 03/09/2018 11:49

He doesn't even have the decency to tell you everything so you can plan and move on to what next. He's a total moron, you can do much better 💐

Original poster
Saturdaynightthoughts · 03/09/2018 11:49

Been together 10 years next month. I thought the relationship was fine. I knew he could be quite selfish, always putting himself first but I never suspected he'd be capable of anything like this, IYSWIM? Went through a tricky patch about 5 years ago but sorted that out and moved on from it. No problems at all since, which is why it is such a shock.

OP posts:
Properjob · 03/09/2018 11:50

What a heartless shit he is! Keep your chin up OP, don't give an inch, it is your house now he is a visitor....Flowers

BewareOfDragons · 03/09/2018 12:08

Wow.

What an arse. Sounds like he's going to pretend this was all your 'decision', even though he's clearly a lying, cheating dick.

Don't suppose his parents live close enough for you to pack up his things and send them to their house? Tell him you're dumping his stuff there and he's not welcome in your house any more.

Contact a solicitor and I would take what you need to cover bills, etc for the next few months.

lovelycuppateas · 03/09/2018 12:20

Just want to say that you are doing amazingly well, you sound really strong and sorted. I know how difficult this kind of thing is, and your composure is amazing - you are just what the kids need. Keep going and things will be better. Flowers