his drinking is breaking my heart

[infelicity]

And when i try to talk with him about it he tells me he doesn't need a lecture and to take my problems somewhere else. When i come home from work with the kids he's drunk, not nasty drunk, but it's not funny anymore. He works horrible shifts in fairness, but now it really feels like he's drinking so he doesn't have to spend time with me.

With everyone else he's gorgeous, funny, easy going. With me he doesn't even pretend now. We've been together three nearly four years and honestly at first i couldn't believe my luck. He brought so much joy into my life after grim, loveless marriage. I am so twisted up with it all, worrying about him. Feel so worthless and rejected: If he loved me he wouldn't choose another can every time. And too ashamed to talk to anyone, like i would be betraying him and showing the world how useless i am.

This is incoherent, I'm sorry. It's such a tangle, for me. When he wants to be he's a total sweetheart, but we're trapped in a vicious ugly circle of him wanting to drink, me hating it and him hating me for not just "ignoring" the fact that he's rarely sober. I don't know how to get either (any) of us out of this mess.

Bluntness, you are 100% right, and bluntness is what's needed. but this is the horrible tangled knot of it. My self esteem is on the floor. I've been holding a pity party for one for a long time now and it's the most isolating, unattractive fucking mess.

That constant feeling of wishing that he would just show me some glimpse of emotion, of connection that Disney mentions is how it's been for so long. I've let it fuck me up and have to to work out how to rebuild myself.

Can I recommend you read this book? It’s Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood and it’s about the kind of relationship you are in. I think it would really help you OP.

Bluntness is pretty damn right.

Pretty much all of us go through "I'm not good enough" phase. Me for example, I'm a bloke. Try to imaging what it's like with the continuous rejection of alcoholism, with male insecurity to add to the mix of the general day to day bullshit that comes from living with an alcoholic. That was a really unpleasant part if my life. We've all said if you loved me you'd stop, in one ear out the other because alcohol gets in the way.

It's heartbreaking, OP. You haven't done anything wrong, so please don't blame yourself. Just get out of that toxic relationship. Good luck. I hope you feel better about things eventually.

there is a huge difference between not drinking and having a sober mind. A dry drunk is no more fun to live with than an active alcoholic

That is so very, very interesting, @buddhasbelly. Could you expand on it at all?

Not only are alcoholics totally shite at the emotional aspect, they are really absolutely totally breathtakingly useless at the physical too. But like eating a basics bread sandwich with no filling, bland spongy, tasteless with no substance to it.

God I enjoyed dumping that bit of bitterness

A dry drunk is someone who is (in very big inverted commas) "sober" but still behaves like their alcoholic self, denial, self centered, indifferent, self absorbed, blaming. At this point they still do the crazy stuff, like over spending, nasty snark bombs. Arrogance and narcissism.

At this point when you (as the non alcoholic partner) have a sudden realisation that it's not the active alcoholism you are having difficulty with, but the behaviours of the person. It's because they've re wired their personalities because of the addiction.

Now AA and a 12 steps program recognises this issue and it's built in to make the alcoholic understand this aspect of themselves.

This is my understanding of dry drunk

Disney That’s exactly what I see a dry drunk as and it’s a useful thing to remember because when you’re dealing with an alcoholic you aren’t just dealing with the actual abuse of the substance.
My DH (separated) is like this. Can remain technically free of alcohol for weeks or months but still thinks and acts like one.

I lost my partner to drink four years ago, when I first met him he was the kindest, gentlest man I had ever met, he hardly drank at all, he suffered from terrible anxiety & depression & started to use drink as a crutch to prop himself up. He had grown up in a mining community where drinking was something nearly everyone did. He began to drink more often & was soon drinking every day, when he was drunk he became a monster, I used to walk around on eggshells, I would take DS out & stay out of the way until he either sobered up or passed out, he once punched me in the face when I was driving, another time he grabbed hold of the wheel & tried to force the car into a brick wall, I got out of the car & dialled 999, he was arrested & had the cheek to tell the police that I had been drinking, I had to take a breath test to prove I hadn't been drinking. He started to be ill, his drinking was out of control, he was drinking 15-20 pints of cider & half a bottle of vodka a day, he was diagnosed with Cirrhosis, within four months he was dead. I miss the kind gentle man I fell in love with, I don't miss the drunken monster he became.

Nat, that's very very sad 💐

Op, why was he on your sofa, you said he left? You need to tell this man to leave permanently. This is no way to live and you cannnot bring your kids up round an alcoholic. He is not their father, he has no rights here.

Nat, that is so incredibly sad; i am very very sorry xx

Bluntness, he came back in (breaking the door), and i left. i realise this morning that he didn't drive off in the car as he'd said he would because, 4 empty cans in the bin. he has no rights and i want him to go.

His behaviour is disgusting.
Get angry with him now because he is violating your right to a peaceful, safe home.
Breaking the door etc is not on.

You can’t live like this.
What if you get hurt?

You can do this. It’s hard but the alternative is intolerable.

disney describes the dry drunk perfectly. My H was exactly like this during the brief periods that he didn't drink. Sobriety is much more than not drinking.

infelicity you do need to make him leave. If he is breaking things and being aggressive you may be able to get an occupation order.

thank you, everyone.

i can't live like this, no - and neither can my children. i have a job where i need to think straight and i can't. i want my home to be safe and peaceful, and not trashed. it feels broken and dirty and neglected, which is perhaps not the biggest deal, but it really upsets me.

i genuinely want to hug you all and thank you for listening and sharing and talking to me. the strength and clarity of thought you have been so generous with is incredible.

@infelicity

You are now in a very bad place. This has become a safeguarding issue and you MUST call the police for a welfare check.

This is criminal damage and intimidation. To break a front door is an escalation step, not only are you dealing now with a drunk you now have an angry drunk.

You are now in alcoholics hell, I've been there. I pushed away the drunken violence because I'm a big strapping man, but it affected my DC's very badly.

There is now a whole network of people affected by the alcoholics behaviour, not only you heard the noise if a foot bring broken, your DC's did and do did the neighbors.

I may sound like I'm scaremongering, but if it wasn't for the fact I've had a knife held at my throat, because I was trying to stop my alcoholic from bring a danger. Or that both of my children have been hurt but drunken anger and "clumsiness".

What I did was that thing called minimizing, believing it wasn't as bad as all that.

This isn't how regular people live.

Please seriously consider some strong safeguarding steps right now.

I just don't get why you think this is your fault. I really don't.

You're having a relationship with a bottle, an inanimate object. He simply doesn't exist while he's in the grip of the bottle, he's not there. Yet you're tying yourself in knots over it.

Have you been to al anon? If not why not.

How old are your kids? What I'm going to say now is tough: your kids would be better off without you in their lives while you are in the grip of this addiction. He is addicted to the bottle, you are addicted to him.

You are damaging them exponentially by exposing them to this. You need treatment eg al-anon, SLAA, CoDA. Go along to those groups and start working on your recovery

It's about you now, not him. Or, rather, it's about your kids. Can your kids live with their father? (sorry if I have missed details on that in your thread) They need to be out of the home with you both addicted. You are not protecting them while you are yourself up to your neck in your addiction.

Do this for your kids op.

springydaff, my children are with their dad nearly half the time. they weren't there last night.

you are right about the chain of addiction. it is intolerable. and damaging. i have asked my exh if he can look after the children (they are 9 and 10) for the next few days. please believe that i try my absolute best to protect them and be good to them. i look after them. but they have been exposed to distress too.

it has to be about them and their wellbeing. i have to stop caring about him to the detriment of all else.

thank you for expressing everything so clearly. i have been trying for so long to hide the truth and to look to him for answers that nothing made sense anymore.

Bless you.

Go to the groups I mentioned. No dithering : go. To all of them. As many times in the week as possible.

The damage to your kids of living in a home with two caregivers in active addiction is incalculable. It's not about what they do or don't hear. It's about the dreadful, hellish atmosphere. Kids soak up esp a mother's distress, whether it's expressed or not.

You need to make your partner leave, I know it's hard, it broke my heart when I made mine leave, but then you won't be walking on eggshells, having to watch what you say & do all the time. Has he got somewhere else he can go to? If not make him go to the council as homeless or if he can afford it he could get a private rent, then if he insists on drinking he is doing it away from you & your children. He will promise that he will change & argue that you are unfair doing this, don't take any notice of him, make sure you get any keys back or change the locks. Once he has gone, don't answer any calls or texts from him, leave him to sort himself out or drink his life away.

^this.

Our lives changed when he finally left. We had peace and calm in the house. DDs squabbled far, far less. We had fun and were happy. You and your DC deserve that.

My children certainly deserve it, 100%

I am home with them now. He isn't but i know he was here very recently, he's had a shower and done something to "fix" the door. I have deleted his number. Now to make girls tea and get this wild rainy November football club night done in peace.

So much solidarity and positive energy to you all xx

If you don't mind my 2pworth, it's a legal minefield getting an alcoholic out. They have a natural tendency to stay put and drink. And if they are under your roof and have keys then it becomes very hard to get them out. It usually requires that an ASBO has been issued, or a conviction for violent behaviour, before the court will order a removal.

Plus when your alcoholic does something that brings them to the police attention, it can be difficult to go through with pressing charges. I could never press charges because I often felt it was my fault for saying no or stop, that triggered the bad behaviour. I was even put under pressure by the police to go through with it with them even saying they were going to follow through regardless. It's an emotional shitstorm when you get to this point.

It wouldn't be difficult if social services know he was drunk when he was in charge of them. They'd move pretty quickly on that.

Do you have the courage to tell them op?

No they do not, for example it's an offence to be on local council premises inebriated. So when my alcoholic turned up at school drunk and I told the school to call the police. They didn't, too much paperwork, goes to Ofsted affects their status. As for social workers, it's a "he said she said" situation until the police request a safeguarding report.

Just calling CPS results in a note on a record. It's only when the cops are called and an arrest made do they swing into action.

Long post lost, sorry. But thank you all. It's my house, i own it and he signed an agreement that gives him a two week notice period. Nor is he short of money for rent etc.

I would prefer to avoid any more emotional shitstorms and am so sorry for others' experience of such horror. It seems crazy to even be contemplating police involvement in my personal life. I would be terrified that my exh would make moves to take girls from me.

But just now all is peaceful. We even had a perfect omelette for tea