his drinking is breaking my heart

[infelicity]

And when i try to talk with him about it he tells me he doesn't need a lecture and to take my problems somewhere else. When i come home from work with the kids he's drunk, not nasty drunk, but it's not funny anymore. He works horrible shifts in fairness, but now it really feels like he's drinking so he doesn't have to spend time with me.

With everyone else he's gorgeous, funny, easy going. With me he doesn't even pretend now. We've been together three nearly four years and honestly at first i couldn't believe my luck. He brought so much joy into my life after grim, loveless marriage. I am so twisted up with it all, worrying about him. Feel so worthless and rejected: If he loved me he wouldn't choose another can every time. And too ashamed to talk to anyone, like i would be betraying him and showing the world how useless i am.

This is incoherent, I'm sorry. It's such a tangle, for me. When he wants to be he's a total sweetheart, but we're trapped in a vicious ugly circle of him wanting to drink, me hating it and him hating me for not just "ignoring" the fact that he's rarely sober. I don't know how to get either (any) of us out of this mess.

You need to get your head together and get him out. Put yourself and your DC first. Stop enabling him. And get help from Al-Anon - the alcoholic relies on secrecy and shame to maintain their world order. You need help to allow yourself to let go of shame and plan your future. This is no life for you.

Thank you so much, kind strangers, for listening and responding. I keep losing what i have written. But you are so right. I need to sort this sorry mess out for my children's sake if nothing else. He's not a monster, not at all, but the beer will always come first as he readily shows me day after day.

In my head i know it's not about me. In my heart i can't cope with knowing that he'd throw me away for the sake of another can. It is torture, and all sounds so self pitying and ridiculous in the cold light of day. I really appreciate all your sensible words. And the chance, so much, to talk without feeling so wrong and shameful. Thank you.

Please please leave him for the sake of your DC. I don't know how old they are but they will remember being let down by him and it's very hurtful. Especially when you are a child and don't understand what is going on.

Do others know the extent of his drinking?

If you are keeping it secret for yours/his/your families sake you need to stop now. Addiction thrives in secret.

If people knew the extent of his drinking and the damage it is causing he will no longer be able to charm them.

infelicity It is not you, you are not a failure. Nothing you say or do will make him stop, he has to do that himself. In the meantime you need to heal. You have had some great advice here, I also lived with a functioning alcoholic for years. It took me a long time to admit he was an alcoholic (he still hasn't admitted it). Once he starting hiding alcohol and gas lighting me, I knew it was time to leave. He has kind of sorted himself out a bit, he hasn't totally stopped drinking, and is still an alcoholic but he has many sober days now when he doesn't drink. When we lived together he would drink every night, in fact the whole 21 years together I probably can count ahandful of times he didn't have one drink that day.

He was irritable, angry, and isolated himself from social situations etc. His father was also an alcoholic (died after being sober for 7 years). I had to look at my kids and try and break the cycle. It was the best decision I ever made as sad as it was to leave because I loved him dearly.

Once again:it is not you, you are not a failure.

Your thread is so sad to read. I feel heartbroken for you.

If you cannot extricate yourself for yourself from this man and his situation - which he will not and therefore cannot change for you or your daughters - then you know you have to leave for their sakes.

It will fundamentally and irrevocably change the axis of your relationship with them in ways you wish it had not. Nobody is worth that. Alcohol certainly isn't.

I know you love this man but I know you love your daughters more. I think you should love yourself more, too; as trite as it might sound. You have tried your best, you have not abandoned him but it is not going to change. You deserve to be happy and free from this overwhelming selfishness and toxicity.

Im another ex problem drinker, I've been sober almost 3 years. The only thing, the ONLY thing that made me stop was my own decision.
leave, or make him leave. He won't stop unless and until he wants to. he may never want to, many many people don't.
You can't change it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. all you can do is protect yourself from the unending misery
Just end it. Please

Thank you so much for talking to me. I kept trying to post but WiFi fails. And now at work and so need to keep it together. Torture is exactly what it is, such a tangled knot and it breaks my heart that i can't make sense of it or put us back together without all this anguish on my part.

You have to break from him OP. What's your housing situation? Ideally he needs to leave.

I think you’ve really got to stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault.

In your eyes, you think him not choosing to stop and save your marriage is about you, and how he doesn’t really care for you or love you. But it’s not that simple, and you’re taking on the whole weight of his addiction.

If he’s in major denial then he’s not ready to quit. And he might never be. But PLEASE stop thinking he’s an alcoholic because of you.

It’s bloody hard to give up on someone, but perhaps try not to think of it of giving up on him, but it’s starting to look after your own needs and put yourself first. You can’t sacrifice yourself for him. And he can’t stop until he wants to. And if you need to leave you are not letting him down.

I’ll be THAT person to say it’s unfair of you to expose your children to this man and his alcoholism and the way he treats you . Why would you allow this to be in their lives ? Your kids will look back and wonder why you let it happen and why they weren’t enough . He’s hardly a life partner you have known him a few years , get your home back and don’t ruin your children’s childhoods .

I've been where you are OP. I would wake up to him already drunk at 7am, come back to him drunk and passed out. He turned up drunk to my graduation. The smell of beer, the sight of beer, the cost of beer.... We went to one of the local centres for addiction, he made all the right noises but nothing productive came out of it in the end. The only reason he'd not drink is complete absence of money. That would result in terrible withdrawals, tremors, vomiting, panic attacks etc.

I left him in the end because I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking this behaviour is acceptable. Thinking beer for breakfast is ok. Thinking swaying about or passing out is ok.

Life is beautiful now. So simple, easy and enjoyable. You can have it too, without him. He's chosen his path, let him walk it. You and your children don't have to follow him.

i wanted to answer individually, as much as i can in my lunch. every word you have all written is so clarifying, and so real for me. it gives me strength to know that i'm not alone in this mess, and that i'm not creating drama and problems (as he says) where there are none. thank you, everyone. i hope i can keep talking after work too.

MMmomDD - and all who have talked about my children - yes, i need to get a grip for their sakes. really to understand and take control of the fact that it's not and never has been his responsibility to amend his behaviour for their sakes. that's my job. if it's destroying me, how will my daughters look back on this time? the tilted axis feels so resonant. i don't want them, and they don't deserve, to have a mother who feels broken, who allows them to form bonds with a man who is kind to them one day, drunk the next, threatening to leave the next. he is never directly nasty to them (quite the opposite), but the dynamics and atmosphere must be deeply unsettling / upsetting for them.

ichifanny - the idea of my children thinking they are not enough is heartbreaking. i have become horribly self-obsessed in all this and need to put them first, above everything else.

LucyMorning - i am so glad for your simple, enjoyable life. it sounds truly good. you are so right that i don't need to lead my children along the path that he has chosen for himself. what a crazy, unbalanced idea that is when you put it like that. he's not a nasty or violent drunk, or a messy one, he just gets pissed and, mostly, falls asleep. but the children know we argue about it, they know his drinking is a thing, and they see how distraught i am sometimes.

Umbongo - the sacrifice image is what is happening. in fairness to him, i have chosen to do that - to cast myself in this role of killjoy, martyr, needy and vulnerable fool. but i cannot sacrifice my children's wellbeing, their actual childhoods, to this. they are happy, lovely children, i cannot knowingly spoil this for them because of what - something that once looked like love?

eatmycheese - i do love my children more, of course. a million times more. but you are spot on - i love myself almost not at all. like a fool i look to him to give me the love to make up for that. unsurprisingly, he's not really up for that. the more i want from him, the less he wants to give, which is a big contributing factor to the whole toxic mess.

and, everyone, thank you. the feelings of failure, shame, sadness and sense of loss are absolutely overwhelming. but i am so grateful for your advice and hard-won wisdom. i so much don't want it to be that he goes, the un-entangling will be awful, but to stay embroiled in this horror is vile for everyone, him too.

beefcake, thank you for your many heartfelt, thoughtful posts. i feel like this is the only place i can articulate what is happening, yes because of insecurity, shame and feeling i am the one making this into a problem. after the failure of my marriage i so don't want to start all over with letting other people know what a disaster i have made of my life. your words, and everyone's, make me feel like i'm being listened to more kindly than i could ever have hoped

You have nothing to be ashamed of OP you still have chance to sort things out for your children , let him go sort out his problems if he is the right person for you and your children he will stop drinking and you could maybe make it work .

Away from you and your family

You wrote earlier "my feelings of vulnerability, worthlessness and neediness are what created these chaotic, stagnant relationships"

I can tell you, hand on heart, that this situation with only get worse. The situation will magnify until maybe, one day in 20 years you say enough is enough. Then you'll realise just how much better life is without an alcoholic partner dragging you down.

Why wait 20 years? Do it now. Get that better life now.

Believe me you will be happier. The only scary part is the first step.

I have just found your thread OP. Please please get yourself together and leave this man - or if it is your house please tell him to move out. I am the child of an alcoholic and believe me your are scarred by it. My DM did not leave as he was our dad and we grew up in a place where she had no rights to property etc and her religious beliefs and also her lack of self belief kept her there. Now he did stop drinking but we never really recovered as a family.

For your children's sake, please, they have no bond to him but you are letting them suffer, please put them first and leave him. You obviously have a good job and you managed to leave a terrible marriage so put your ruthless hat on and leave him. You can get counselling, support and all the other stuff after you leave.

Really you are totally irresponsible letting an alcoholic look after your DC so force yourself to get out now.

Sorry OP, I don't want to sound harsh on that last line, I have personal experience of the neglect of alcoholics so I apologise for my bitter words.

Annasgirl - really no need at all to apologise. i felt no bitterness at all, only the truth of someone speaking from her own experience - that truth is a harsh one (i am glad you've shared it), most especially for the children involved.

You are still on the merry go around and still doing your bit here in that 3 act play that is alcoholism.

Did you btw attend an Al-anon meeting?. You really ought to get yourself along to one of these meetings and have counselling for your own self going forward to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way. Read up on codependency in relationships. I mention codependency because that state and alcoholism often go hand in hand.

Its not your fault that he is an alcoholic. Why keep beating yourself up about it?. He certainly does not, he blames you instead and uses you also to keep on drinking. Your own codependency issues here have served you poorly and have put his needs before yours and that of your kids. You cannot and must not sacrifice yourselves here on the altar of his alcoholism. The way you get out of this mess is to leave him. There is no other option here now.

This is what I wrote to you in an earlier reply.
"He will break more than your heart if you remain with him; he will break you utterly and take your children down with him into his pit. Surely they deserve a better role model too".

OP I started going to Al-anon in the summer. I was nervous but cannot tell you how much of a relief it was to go and cry in front of strangers who knew exactly, and I mean exactly, what I was feeling, without me having to say anything. Please do to a meeting, you will not regret it. You are a kind hearted, good person. That's how you ended up here and you'll find you have so much in common with others at Al-anon.

Right now he is heading towards a cliff edge and you are hanging onto him. YOU are allowed to make the choice to let go of him and not go over the edge with him. YOU are worthy of a life worth living. You have to remind yourself of this daily, hourly even at first, until you will start to believe it. Al-anon really helped me believe it in my situation. There's a chance that he'll turn around before he gets to the edge but that is not within your control, and to even have a chance to realise that himself he needs to be exposed to it all on his own.

I'm in the process of divorcing an alcoholic. It's hard, really really hard. We are still in the same house. But every day I'm a step closer to taking my life back and every day he proves to me that I have made the right decision.

Good luck, you've got this

infelicity it is hard to detach from an alcoholic, but you really need to get help to do it. Everything I hear from you is about you making yourself responsible for his drinking, his unhappiness, the state of your marriage. You're not. He is an adult making his own choices. The only people you are responsible for are yourself and your DCs. So go and take that responsibility, start your recovery and maybe somewhere along the line work your way through the Freedom Programme to relearn about relationships and valuing yourself.

You will come out on the other side. So many of us are already there, cheering you on.