his drinking is breaking my heart

[infelicity]

And when i try to talk with him about it he tells me he doesn't need a lecture and to take my problems somewhere else. When i come home from work with the kids he's drunk, not nasty drunk, but it's not funny anymore. He works horrible shifts in fairness, but now it really feels like he's drinking so he doesn't have to spend time with me.

With everyone else he's gorgeous, funny, easy going. With me he doesn't even pretend now. We've been together three nearly four years and honestly at first i couldn't believe my luck. He brought so much joy into my life after grim, loveless marriage. I am so twisted up with it all, worrying about him. Feel so worthless and rejected: If he loved me he wouldn't choose another can every time. And too ashamed to talk to anyone, like i would be betraying him and showing the world how useless i am.

This is incoherent, I'm sorry. It's such a tangle, for me. When he wants to be he's a total sweetheart, but we're trapped in a vicious ugly circle of him wanting to drink, me hating it and him hating me for not just "ignoring" the fact that he's rarely sober. I don't know how to get either (any) of us out of this mess.

You haven't. He has.
Your only mistake would be to continue putting up with this. You deserve better.

You haven't fucked up. He's the one screwing his life up.

It feels very much as if I'm the fuck up here. As Attila so powerfuly said my feelings of vulnerability, worthlessness and neediness are what created these chaotic, stagnant relationships in which I'm the one left with self esteem in ruins. He'll drive off with his stuff, charm the pants of everyone, tell himself he had to leave because i wouldn't leave him to drink in peace. And I'll feel I've lost everything, having spent the last four years letting someone into my heart and life. For what? So they can hammer home the fact that I'm worth absolutely nothing to them. I have fallen straight into a toxic trap, all of me is poisoned by it.

No. It would be poisoned if you stayed. Your self esteem and sense of worth tell you that he needs to go.

infelicity

This is what I wrote to you earlier:-

"Longer term you need to look at exactly why these two men were chosen by you at all, you should look at counselling and unravel all this properly. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, from the briefest of snapshots of your mother it may well be that she also taught you a lot of crap about relationships when you were growing up".

The rot here really started in your childhood; you went on to choose relationships with your ex and now this alcoholic mainly because of what you learnt about relationships. You are not stupid; you were targeted by these masters of manipulation and again after your ex you remained vulnerable thus more attractive to this alcoholic now. You certainly did not receive or get the support you needed. You have been well and truly manipulated by both your ex and this alcoholic now. Many women and men are also similarly fooled.

Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid could help you no end.

Infelicity your posts take me back to my days with an alcoholic. I just wanted to say Al Anon will help you but if you don't go you will still manage well. Get him to leave then you can have a clear head.

My advice is to tell you what worked for me if you don't mind Al anon - went to about 4 meetings and decided I didn't have to live with the feelings and situations he was making. I read about codependency - penny drop moment! My issues may have started as a family member drank when I was a child. And my turning point or the thing (which stopped me just getting the same kind of man again after my divorce) was working on my self esteem. There are lots of good resources online to work through about improving your self esteem and I didn't need to look at them for long.

I was alone (my choice and I loved it) for 2 years then went internet dating to get me out to gigs but I met a lovely awesome kind and funny guy who is still with me nearly 5 years on. I am loving every day of life.
I am sending you strength and good vibes. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better and don't apologise to anyone for anything.

Calyx thank you so much for your kind-hearted happy ending story xx

Atilla, i really value the clarity and insight of your words, i have hoped for a long time to just be okay, but I'm not and know that now. I very much to find the strength to make the difference for myself and my dds x

Sending you strength to stick to your guns and let him go ahead and move out. I know it is painful and raw but it is the right and only thing you can/should do.
I am married to an alcoholic and have been on his roller coaster of promises, lies and dreadful behaviour for years. Don't be me! He is moving into our annex this weekend as the first step to separating our lives, he is in a programme to quit drinking but it it too late and I don't believe he will stick it. His drinking has made me miserable for years. I am at the stage of the pain of separately and mourning what might have been but I am excited to get my independence back and not have to put up with him anymore and his drunkenness dominating our lives. Good luck lady x

Secret squirreller, i wish you all the luck 🍀 in the world too and much happiness in your new independence. I absolutely understand that feeling of grief for what could have been and for what has been lost - and for what? - but also that glimmer of possibility. I'm out with dds today,chatting, having lunch together, no drama. What a relief. But so heartbroken to think he's thrown us away. Sending strength and solidarity xx

Terrible terrible day. Feel so low. Girls are stressy and listless, which rattles my cage like nothing on earth. He says he'll be gone when i come home on Tuesday. Have taken all photos of us together down, i was stupidly embarrassingly proud to be with him. But looking at them i see what i always knew: The feeling wasn't mutual. How can i have wasted so much love, energy, sharing of my life, hope for this? For an infinity of empty beer bottles. There's no answer that will repair the truth: I was never worth his while, i was never what he wanted. Sorry. Such a fucking mess.

infelicity you are allowed to feel sad over the loss of what you thought you had. That's normal and healthy. But please believe that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your DDs. Spend a while being single and finding out what you want out of life - and where your boundaries are. You deserve better than this man.

And you were not worth his while because you were always worth more than this. What he wanted was a doormat who would facilitate his alcoholism and that wasn't you - be proud of that.

Pointy things. Thank you so much. I certainly always struggled with the more doormatty aspects of our relationship. Yours is a remarkable perspective, such hard won wisdom, and i truly appreciate you sharing it. I can feel it as a shift already, will try to take it to heart xx

infelicity you can always pm me if you want to talk.

Sending strength and a big hug. Like Pointy said, sadness is totally allowed.

You are not yet selfish enough to not care what he wants and to focus on what you want.

'Selfishness' is absolutely necessary though! (Other people call it setting boundaries, self esteem, self care). I always looked after, thought about, put others before myself. I had always done it and thought it was just being nice, it was just the way I was, it was the only reason people let me hang around and so on.

It turns out that once I learned to be assertive then people like me better and I am respected for it. I can say no. I don't have to make excuses or to do everything. I have lost my social anxiety.

I'm rambling but my point is, you are not getting what you want with him. It does not matter what he wants. You want to be happy and he is not up to the job. That's sad but not your fault.

I will stop there I hope you are feeling better this evening x

Thank you so much pointy i am trying to keep it together.have a big day at work tomorrow which requires intelligence, sociability, professional wherewithal. Cried my eyes out earlier, can't believe it's come to this. But it has and i know he'll go. He still won't recognise there was a problem but, in grand ironic gesture, hasn't had a drink for however many days it's been.

Calyx, the selfishness thing is absolutely right. And my big mistake is that i assume other people will take me into account like i try to do them. as this whole sorry mess has shown me, i scarcely register on his list of priorities, especially if i might be standing in way of him and a beer. It terrifies me the mismatch between my hopes and the truth of how i end up letting myself be treated. Doormat doesn't begin to cover it. Thank you for your wise ramblings the last few days would have been significantly more intolerable without the kindness of strangers xx

Infelicity -

There's a part in the AA big book which talks about the different alcoholics (still drinking)

There's the one still in denial, the one that gets full of remorse and promises never to do it again, the one that stops drinking for a while then thinks they can handle it again...

I went through all of those stages before I realised I couldn't do this alone, that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable (for me AA is what has worked)

I hope he is doing this for himself and getting serious about sobriety but protecting yourself and your dc is the best possible thing you can do right now

The non-drinking gesture is just a fuck you for calling him on it....and a front for pity from others, so that he can blame you and get someone to take him in.

Just a tease - it won't last. He might be buying time. He might be plotting to pretend not to drink or to drink moderately and then start begging and pleading not to leave.

But you need to ignore all that and need laser focus get him out, slam the door and protect yourself and your DC from his toxicity. They have already been exposed to physical and emotional neglect in his care which will have impacted them over the years.

Your job now is to get support for yourself and work to heal the damage this relationship will have done to you all whether you can see it or not.

Even if this weekend is genuinely the first day of his sobriety - it is none of your concern - it his his journey that he needs to continue alone.

Just read a couple of PPs - it's very true that sobriety is a solo journey and you will not be able to affect him either way. I'm very glad I wasn't in a relationship when I got sober. I'm so laser focused on being sober, it's probably the only thing in my life that I am grim and selfish about.

What I am trying to illustrate is he will give up or he won't give up. And you should truly save all your energy, it's wasted.

Endless circles of misery and drinking all these months. Threats and promises to leave. Pretended of love. All the horrible dramas that leave me feeling destroyed. And still can't manage to show him the door and mean it. Last night, cinema trip. He's off work, so turns up blind drunk. i think, what's he doing that means he needs to obliterate himself to see me (hook up feels like a strong possibility)? How have i trapped myself in this toxic mess? And trapped him too? We're grown up people, not fools, life could be clear and happy, easy. I am sitting at home crying when I should be at work bossing it. I am so sorry, everything just screams at me: You worthless, needy, desperate idiot. This is what you have done to your life. You have lost him, he has played you from the start. I don't know how to make this better.

OP - he is an alcoholic; and none of it is about you.

As a child of an alcoholic - I am telling you - grow up. Get a grip.
Look at your kids and think about whether growing up with a grown man who is drunk most of the time - is the best you can do for them.

Alcoholics drink because they want and need to. No one else, nothing else but the next drink matters to them. And eventually they die - drink kills them.
Hopefully he doesn’t get abusive and dangerous before that happens.
My father did.
Luckily my mom threw him out at the first sign of it.

If he loved me he wouldn't choose another can every time. And too ashamed to talk to anyone, like i would be betraying him and showing the world how useless i am.

I don't know how to get (any) of us out of this mess.

You can't change him. You can't control him. You can't cure him.

All you can do is change your own behaviour.

You're not useless. This is not your problem.

OP you need a break. From him and from all this drama and mess. The drink will always come first to him. None of this is your fault.

Please please find the strength to show him the door.

And trust me the cycle will never stop. Not until he stops drinking.

He won't stop drinking because he has no reason to, there are no consequences. You are still there for him, breaking your heart for him everyday.

You are torturing yourself - this is not about YOU - its not your fault and you havent caused it. I know someone who went through same as she ended rel after trying to help him with drinking. When her daughter friends asked why he was always drunk and he’d had a go at the daughter enough was enough. Dont let your DDs think this is how men behave. Please get help. You are clearly intelligent and a good mum to your girls so please act before you and girls get really damaged