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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

his drinking is breaking my heart

134 replies

infelicity · 31/08/2018 00:40

And when i try to talk with him about it he tells me he doesn't need a lecture and to take my problems somewhere else. When i come home from work with the kids he's drunk, not nasty drunk, but it's not funny anymore. He works horrible shifts in fairness, but now it really feels like he's drinking so he doesn't have to spend time with me.

With everyone else he's gorgeous, funny, easy going. With me he doesn't even pretend now. We've been together three nearly four years and honestly at first i couldn't believe my luck. He brought so much joy into my life after grim, loveless marriage. I am so twisted up with it all, worrying about him. Feel so worthless and rejected: If he loved me he wouldn't choose another can every time. And too ashamed to talk to anyone, like i would be betraying him and showing the world how useless i am.

This is incoherent, I'm sorry. It's such a tangle, for me. When he wants to be he's a total sweetheart, but we're trapped in a vicious ugly circle of him wanting to drink, me hating it and him hating me for not just "ignoring" the fact that he's rarely sober. I don't know how to get either (any) of us out of this mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
infelicity · 27/11/2018 18:20

I have come home and tried to talk to him. Which failed. Apparently last night was a perfectly nice normal date. So i said please leave and leave now. The look he gave me showed every truth of his utter contempt for me. But he left slamming the door behind him.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 27/11/2018 18:51

Well done op.
Don't let him back. Flowers

pointythings · 27/11/2018 19:06

That's a great first step. Now stand your ground, kick your support resources into gear and start that divorce.

beeefcake · 27/11/2018 19:10

Well done OP Thanks be strong.

He probably knows deep down it is a problem, alcoholics/addicts are used to lying to themselves- "it was only a few drinks", "everyone else was drinking", "I wasn't drunk" etc. This lying is often more for their own benefit than yours, it's easier to lie than admit they have a problem and deal with it. This is where the nonsense about it being a "normal date night" probably came from.

Now you've made him leave, it may force him into owning up to his problem, it may not. The main thing is you now have some headspace without worrying what you might come home to xx

StripySocksAndDocs · 27/11/2018 19:31

No you need to stay strong. This is going to be the hardest bit. He is relying on you guilt to let him back. He’ll also exploit your vulnerability by trying to convince you he is that person that you yearn for him, but he’s never going to be that person. Never.

Alcoholics can lie and believe their own lie to such an extend, they would be able to say their top isn’t blue when it is. No matter how much you stressed it was, they’d come out with every reason why it isn’t.

Honestly. Stay strong, you are on the crux of a better, and happier, life.

Eatmycheese · 27/11/2018 19:43

The first step is the hardest.
You’ve taken a big one tonight.
I’m really proud of you. You strike me as such a lovely, intelligent, good soul; and these sort of showdowns don’t feel right to you I know, but they are necessary and you have to use thus as a stepping soon.
I hope you and your girls have a peaceful night without him and that he stays away. He wants you to fret, to capitulate because he needs you as an enabler. Don’t be that person anymore.
You matter.

Eatmycheese · 27/11/2018 19:44

*this ad a stepping stone. Sorry I’m breastfeeding and trying to drink a tepid cup if tea simultaneously

Original poster
infelicity · 27/11/2018 19:49

i have come to work to hide. he has broken the front door - and fixed it again apparently. he came back to get his stuff, i asked him to give me ten minutes, but he wouldn't and now something else is ruined. the whole thing has turned me into somebody i don't recognise. what a nightmare drama.

he'll never beg or ask me for anything, least of all love or a second chance or any of that. it's ruined, a war zone, and i don't know how or why it's come to this. but, stripysocks, you're right: he's a master of insisting that the lie we both know to be a lie is the truth.

OP posts:
pointythings · 27/11/2018 19:52

If he is breaking things around the house in a temper, should you not be calling the police? You need to prioritise your safety and the DCs' safety.

Original poster
infelicity · 27/11/2018 19:52

eatmycheese - luckily my daughters are safe at their dads tonight. thank you for such good-hearted words. if i could i'd bring you a fresh cup of tea and a biscuit or two for your breastfeeding stintBrew

OP posts:
StripySocksAndDocs · 27/11/2018 19:55

”turned me into somebody i don't recognise.”

Someone who’s taken the first step, and said no more. That’s who it’s turned you in too. And that’s do.

Remember, this is the hardest bit. He’ll do anything so things won’t change, he does not want to know this is his doing.

StripySocksAndDocs · 27/11/2018 19:56

That’s good, not ‘that’s do’, sorry

Original poster
infelicity · 27/11/2018 20:16

i have said no more, and no matter how much i try to speak with him he'll always insist that these ruins are down to me - "it's your fault."

stripysocks, it amazes me how transparent this is to everyone else - "he does not want to know that this is his doing." a million times that. never will he accept he's had more than a hand in the horror. even now, i sit here thinking, what should i have done differently. he won't be thinking anything of the kind.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 27/11/2018 20:30

When I ended things with my ex, he never once took responsibility for it. He never once admitted his drinking was the cause, just that 'I had decided to end things'. That's what alcoholics do. They can't bear to admit they are the problem because then that would mean facing it.

StripySocksAndDocs · 27/11/2018 20:33

Nothing you did wrong nothing. Your just feeling confused and scared. This is the hardest bit.

I have been in your shoes, Exactly where you are now. It’s terrifying. But worth it, when you get through it you’ll be able to see how transparent it was. Easier on the other side.

Alcoholics can be very cliche, lying, controlling and people pleasing (other people, bet other people think he’s great)

Original poster
infelicity · 27/11/2018 20:46

thank you. a million times, thank you. Flowers

he is, absolutely, great for other people - everyone loves him. i don't blame them. i was besotted, still am in my dreams of a parallel universe where i was enough for him. i would have done anything for him.

but yes, he is certain this has all happened because of me - and maybe it is my fault. i cannot get my head round it, but somehow i have to hold onto the idea that now i won't waste (much more) time trying to make sense of the impossible; endless hours spent going over and over things in my head, desperate to try and make it (me) different.

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 27/11/2018 20:56

Unless you can turn yourself into a can of beer you will never be enough. Stop fighting to change him, you cannot. You have to focus on the most important people, your children and yourself.
He is a grown man and he chooses to walk to the fridge and drink to the point of drunkenness. Time to let him go.

disneyspendingmoney · 27/11/2018 21:07

Can I say one thing, and it may sound bitter on my part. Stop the

he is, absolutely, great for other people - everyone loves him

They don't live with him, they see one small aspect of the drunk.

I can't remember the amount if times I convinced myself how great my drunk was for other people. Things kike

the Life and soul if the party
A real laugh after a few
Everybody want to talk to them.

But once home different story, moody, irracasable, hungover, snappy. It's a trap you fall into because other people do not have to live with or sleep in the same bed as your drunk.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm being hard on you I'm not, it's a reminder to myself to never go back

Original poster
infelicity · 27/11/2018 21:36

yes, disney, you are right - and it is not bitterness at all. the reminder is a wise one, however tough it is to face.

i remember reading about how drinkers are always hostile, defensive and guarded with the ones they are closest to. and it made perfect sense to me. my heartbreak in part is that he point blank refuses to see the impact his drinking has on me. Flowers

OP posts:
SaltLamp · 27/11/2018 21:59

Did you get the to Al Anon as was suggested? If not, maybe try again - take a deep breath and go. Nothing to lose.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 27/11/2018 22:09

You'll never ever come before his need to drink.

I saw a very good friend of mine almost destroyed by their mission to "fix" an alcoholic. Don't be that person. Life is too short to have to deal with other people's shit before your own. Put yourself and your DC first, last and in the middle. Make the effort with Al-Anon - it was a real "lightbulb" moment for my friend and a huge support.

Good luck Flowers - it can only get better.

disneyspendingmoney · 27/11/2018 22:09

Well maybe just maybe us they do 12 steps programme, they may just become a smidge aware of the impact if they can get to step 7.

The ignoring the impact on you us full blown denial, it's never them at fault always you if someone something else. It never ceases to amaze me how my alcoholic always has a reason, other than the acceptance that it's their hand and their mouth that raises the glass and drinks. If you were to listen to mine you would think I was pouring the booze down an unwilling throat.

Original poster
infelicity · 27/11/2018 22:18

It is all lost. He absolutely despises me. I don't want to fix him or control him, just wanted to be loved. I have been an utter utter fool. He's downstairs on the sofa. I know even now that if he came to me I'd want him.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/11/2018 22:23

Op, I'm going to be a bit harsh here, but seriously, snap the fuck out of this self pitying you're doing, this I'm not enough crap. It's him that's not enough for you and your kids . You've got it back to front.

He's an alcoholic. Right now he's not making a choice, it's not about you. He's in the grip of an addiction. So you've done the right thing, you can't bring your kids up with him. You know who he is, you know the problems, he's not willing to face up to them or admit them right now . Then it's right he's gone. Hopefully he will sort himself out at some point, but be fully aware his alcoholism is not about you.

So stop thinking it's because you weren't enough or you've failed in some way. You haven't. He has, so enough with the pity party. Ok? Keep your head up high, there is nothing to be ashamed of here.

disneyspendingmoney · 27/11/2018 22:35

This is one of the hardest things detaching yoyrself from your alcoholic because of your own feelings. The need for validation of what you are going though and that the rejection you feel and you want them to show you some emotion so that you can see that they understand yiur feeling.

It's horrible and I feel for you. But try to uses these. I found this when I was looking for support for my dd's

Try to remember the six Cs

I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
I can’t control it
I can take care of myself
I can communicate my feelings
I can make healthy choices

From nacoa.org.uk