Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

I'd say there's absolutely no chance of a DNA test. Lucy, her husband and child now live in another country and the OP's DF has no form of contact let alone jurisdiction to pursue enforced action.

there have been some right ridiculous comments here!
I don't think so, only diametrically opposing views because of the complexity of the situation and the fact that the very source of information seems to be unreliable and shady at best.

It's a bit strange that if Lucy had no intention of leaving her husband, she would confide in such a person about her extra marital affair and, that this person would randomly drop this bombshell into casual conversation over lunch. What a can of worms whether it's true about the baby or not.

After you've settled the issue of DF not always using a condom, OP, do a flow chart starting with if there's any history of medical issues in his family which might impact on any children he may have and keep asking yourselves searching questions from there.

People suggesting that it should stay a secret are being ridiculous. It won't stay a secret, because people know about it. The mutual friend does not sound particularly discreet, are we trusting her and her husband not to tell anyone else?

If Lucy had shagged a random and never told another soul, it might have a chance of staying secret, but that isn't the case.

It will come out at some point and there will be a devastated child, a devastated man who never knew his wife cheated or that he isn't the biological father of his dd.

The most compelling reason for handling it now is so that OP's dp can have some control of the situation as opposed to it all blowing up in five or ten years, when he'll have to try to build a relationship, explain it to any dc he has with op, and come to terms with missing out on years of his child's life.

"I'd say there's absolutely no chance of a DNA test."

I think OP's dp has to try. For his own peace of mind. So that he can look at himself in the mirror. So that he can look the child in the eye if she turns up on his doorstep in the future.

I think "lucy" needed a sperm donor and your df did the job....If it's his child the child deserves to know. I grew up with this sort of thing hidden from me and it doesn't end in rainbows and fairy tales. My relationship never recovered with my mum when I found out she had lied for 17 years ...

Apart from the fact that you have no idea if this baby even exists, and you know your 'friend' is a shit stirrer (is she hoping to break you and your partner up /wants him for herself?) and is probably relishing all the drama, I can't help thinking your partner should be deciding the moves not you.
He seems remarkably passive from what you're saying.

Unless you DF has significant wealth the baby won't benefit from your interference. From the sounds of it the baby alrwady has a father who seems to be committed to its mother. Why ruin that?

OP, the CMS can enforce a DNA test (your DH will be made to pay for this). They will contact Lucy and make arrangements with her.

Why would they when they have to be instructed to be involved by the parent with care?

"Apart from the fact that you have no idea if this baby even exists..."

Surely that is one of the reasons for initial discreet contact.

"He seems remarkably passive from what you're saying."

In what way? He's discussed it with op and his parents. What more can he do whilst still mulling over the implications of contacting Lucy.

"I can't help thinking your partner should be deciding the moves not you."

OP has already said he will be the one making the final decision and potentially contacting Lucy; doesn't stop op worrying about the implications for her marriage and asking mn for advice.

How could a DNA test be enforced, by CMS or otherwise? Lucy is married, her husband has PR, surely she could just say OP's partner isn't the father or even deny a previous relationship with him? Otherwise what's to stop any random bloke turning up and demanding DNA testing?

But if he could prove they had ‘relations’ around that time, then that would be proof (emails/texts/pics)
The truth ALWAYS comes out-it’s better in a controlled way then during a time of upheaval (eg child ill or divorce).
Let’s say Lucy and her H were to divorce (not because of this) and her H paid child maintenance. He could be paying for a child that isn’t his. He and this poor child are the ones I feel sorry for in this.
What if you needed to find a genetic relative for medical reasons for your own child in the future. Wouldn’t it be better to find out now rather then trying to find Lucy in 10 years time?

Or have Lucy turn up on your door step one day out of the blue demanding child maintenance?

The what ifs are endless-find out the truth and then make decisions if needed

So your DF is considering wrecking someone else’s marriage to give himself some “ peace “?

And if the marriage ends, the baby might lose the chance of growing up with two loving parents, but your DF isn’t willing to step up and care for the baby 50% of the time.

Because that’s what a parent is - not throwing a few crumbs of child support at the situation. Or not being sure what you want. Babies don’t wait around for their parents to find themselves - they need fed and changed and a roof over their head now.

In your shoes I would

1. Stay well away from Lucy and her family
2. Postpone or cancel the wedding

It’s up to Lucy how she deals with this. She may well decide to do a DNA test herself and tell her husband and / or the child when it’s older.

It’s none of your finances business. He doesn’t earn the right to destroy Lucy’s life because he shagged her a coupe of times.

The most important person here is the child and your DF needs to think more about what’s best for him/her.

Lots of opinions but here’s mine FWIW

I think your fiancé should send her a carefully worded email saying that a friend has told him she has a child that might be his. If it is true he would like to confirm either way with a DNA test. And if it’s not true then she should still be aware of the gossip/rumours in case her child or husband find out and it hurts them.

See whether she replies and if so what she says. It seems unlikely that she will agree to a DNA test but you never know. If she refuses, at that point your fiancé will need to decide whether he wants to try and force it - by threatening to tell her husband - or walk away.

If there is any doubt about paternity I think that it’s in the best interests of the child to do a discreet DNA test to confirm. If Lucy’s husband is the father, he doesn’t need to know about it, and everyone can move on with their lives. But if OP’s fiancé is the father, this has significant implications for the child and everyone else. I think a PP made a sensible suggestion up thread - if fiancé is the father, he and Lucy will have to decide what to do at that point - it might be that they decide it’s in the child’s best interests for them to keep it a secret from her husband and carry on as usual. I don’t think that would be wise but it would be their decision.

If the ultimate outcome is that Lucy’s husband finds out and they separate, that will be Lucy’s fault for having an affair. No one else’s.

Of course your fiancé was an irresponsible idiot for having unprotected sex. If he’d known she was married I think that would have made it even worse, but if he was really in the dark about that then he is not responsible for the cheating.

PS Of course Lucy’s husband might found out about the affair anyway - from someone else - even if OP’s fiancé doesn’t do anything.

find out

"It’s up to Lucy how she deals with this."

I don't understand why Lucy's feelings are being so considered and protected.

She had an affair, got pregnant intentionally or through lack of contraception, chose to keep the baby, chose to lie to that child for the rest of their lives, chose to lie to her dp and watch him bond with and love a child who may not be his, chose to lie to OP's dp about the fact that he may be a father and was too stupid to keep all of this to herself.

It's difficult to know what would be best for the baby but lying (badly) to everyone probably isn't the answer or even a workable long-term solution.

People are imaging a utopian family life that must be protected. But does this sound like a happy marriage that will last? For all we know it'll fall apart in a few years and OP's dp will be chased for maintenance and/or be confronted with a confused older child.

Better to do it all now imo.

She had an affair, got pregnant intentionally or through lack of contraception, chose to keep the baby, chose to lie to that child for the rest of their lives, chose to lie to her dp and watch him bond with and love a child who may not be his, chose to lie to OP's dp about the fact that he may be a father and was too stupid to keep all of this to herself.

That is a massive assumption that her husband (or even another man altogether) is not the father. All the OP knows is that the baby is over a year - she has no idea when Lucy ovulated and for all we know Lucy could have already been pregnant or needed IVF.

Well yes I'm obviously talking about if the DNA test is a match.

If it isn't, or she can provide some other proof that the baby belongs to her dh, then none of that applies. Obviously.

Clearing it up is just the price she'll have to pay for shagging someone other than her husband without protection.

Can you imagine if a man posted this after finding out years down the line he had fathered a child? And if he’d had a suspicion years ago but didn’t pursue it, so ‘not to destroy a marriage’, or it wasn’t his business. He’d be the devil incarnate.

As is the DF here, for considering to make contact.

She had an affair, got pregnant intentionally or through lack of contraception, chose to keep the baby, chose to lie to that child for the rest of their lives, chose to lie to her dp and watch him bond with and love a child who may not be his, chose to lie to OP's dp about the fact that he may be a father and was too stupid to keep all of this to herself.

Or, just had a baby with her husband!

Surely Lucy would be the one to know? Or at least have more of an idea that total strangers on here?

What is the OP going to do, steal a hair from the child's head after following them round Asda?

"Or, just had a baby with her husband! "

Should be easy enough to clear that up then.

And Lucy can't possibly object to OP's dp querying things, given the circumstances.

"Surely Lucy would be the one to know? "

And that's why OP's dp needs to talk to her.

Can you apply for the birth certificate to check the dates as this may answer some questions.... for example the exact date of birth may make it certain your DF isn't the father.

In the "likely outcomes" it is probably either

a) She was using your DF as a bit of relief while her DH was away and had a baby with her husband. She won't be keen to give DNA as she will fear it will blow her marriage apart

b) She deliberately/accidentally used your DF as a donor and is now happy with her DH in which case she won't be keen to give DNA.

So basically if he "wants to know" he will have to get court ordered DNA. It is very unlikely she will give DNA willingly, as either way there is a chance of exposing her self as a cheat to her DH.

personally I would leave well alone (after checking dates exactly - which may mean you work out DF can't be the father). If it remains a possible then you are going to have to wait and see if you get a call in 10, 20, 30 years, unless you remove all doubt with court ordered DNA which seems OTT on the say so of an acquaintance who hasn't seen her in a while nor knows exactly when the baby was born.

AnotherEmma

I think your fiancé should send her a carefully worded email saying that a friend has told him she has a child that might be his

This is not what the friend said though. Lucy told her the baby was her husband's.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is.

To stay out of it.

"To stay out of it."

Maybe, if there was a cat in hell's chance of it staying a secret but, in these circumstances, it won't.

If this child turns up on OP's doorstep in fifteen years I'd rather be able to say 'I tried everything' than 'it seemed best to stay out of it', clarion cry of every deadbeat dad ever.