Do we find out if my fiancé is the father of the baby?

[Shellshocked28]

I have NC for this because it is outing, but I have been on MN for years (to be safe: FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!). We are entirely shell-shocked right now and need advice on how we should proceed.

Background information: My Dfiancé and I dated for a number of years before temporarily breaking up for a few months. During that time we both dated other people before getting back together. During our breakup, DF dated Lucy (not her real name), Lucy told my DF that she was going through a divorce and they proceeded to date for a few months before their relationship ended.

It has now been over a year since DF, and I got back together, we are very happy and are looking forward to our future together. However, this past weekend while out to lunch with a friend, who also happens to know Lucy, we were informed that Lucy has a baby with her husband. As we pulled the information from our friend we learned that Lucy was never divorcing her husband and had been cheating on her husband with DF (her husband worked abroad so pretending to be in the middle of a divorce wasn't difficult) Most importantly, Lucy's baby is well over a year old and Lucy was clearly at least two if not three months pregnant with the baby when her relationship with DF ended. Our friend is adamant that she spoke with Lucy when the baby was born and Lucy told our friend that the baby was 100%, not DF's.

However, DF and I both feel that we cannot trust the word of our friend since she waited over a year to tell us about the baby (and Lucy's marriage). So, we are left wondering if the baby is DF biological child and we are questioning what we should do next.

Over the past few days, DF has wavered back and forth about what to do. The only thing we are confident of is that if DF turns out to be the father, we will support the baby financially and play an appropriate role in her life.

We feel there are two options here:

1. We say nothing to Lucy because even if she says DF isn't the biological father, that isn't information we can trust without a DNA test and demanding a DNA test will cause a lot of upset and drama in her marriage.

2. We contact Lucy and ask about paternity. This has seemed like the most rational action, but again, we are nervous about hurting her husband and causing unnecessary drama and, we aren't sure if we can trust what Lucy says.

We want to do what is best for the baby but aren't sure what "the best" is. We first thought that the clear answer was contacting Lucy and determining paternity, but if the baby isn't DF's, then we run the risk of causing turmoil in her marriage and thus upsetting the life of the baby. We are also worried that if we don't find out this will be hanging over our heads forever. I am worried that years from now we could be contacted by the baby and she will be upset that we had a hunch that DF was her biological father but that we didn't take action to find out and form a relationship with her. Every scenario is worrying us right now.

Please help us figure out what the right course of action is.

I honestly think it's ridiculous and disingenuous to dress up the DF's desire to know as being in the best interests of the child. It's just not!

Do people really not see that a child has a right to know who is their biological father

The op has no clue that the husband isn't the bio father. The friend has no real detail.

How would you feel if an ex turned up in your life and demanded DNA because they had heard your kid might be theirs?

I honestly think it's ridiculous and disingenuous to dress up the DF's desire to know as being in the best interests of the child. It's just not!

What's not in the child's best interest is that the OP and her df have no clue if what their friend has said is true or accurate AND the Dr doesn't know how much involvement he wants, what he will do if she refuses etc.

He needs a plan. Wading into this without proper information is not in the child's best interests

Keep out of it. Gobsmacked your partner has told his own parents when it could be a total non story.

This is Lucy's mum's choice whatever happens.

1. She knows her husband is the father and is making a go of her marriage.
2. She is unsure but still wants to make a go of her marriage.
3. She has tested and knows that her DH is NOT the father, but has made the choice for your partner not to be involved.

This is her choice. Stay out of it.

Oh, and even if your fiancé says he only wants to offer financial support, dont bank on it. He sounds like a man who would want to be involved.

So there you will be - breaking up the baby's current family, supporting the baby financially, having Lucy as a permanent fixture in your life - and my god she might be resentful and difficult, and you are now a step-mother.

Lucy says the baby is not his. Listen to this and move on. If things change in the future deal with them then. But leave everything alone now.

OP, the CMS can enforce a DNA test (your DH will be made to pay for this). They will contact Lucy and make arrangements with her.

Call Child Maintenance Options

The best thing for the child is to be brought up by two loving parents in one home. I would hate to be responsible for wrecking that family just to satisfy my curiosity. Even casting doubt on the parentage will rock the boat. There's no evidence that the baby's father is not his biological father. It's all hearsay and hypothesis.

PPs saying 'it always comes out in the end'... No it doesn't. We only hear about the ones that do, and they're rare enough to be JK fodder.

Leave well alone. If in doubt, do nothing. Much better than taking action you're not forced to take when you have no idea what the consequences will be - and others will be the ones who'll suffer from them most. It's incredibly self-indulgent.

@safetyfreak What a horrible thing to say! OP hasn't got herself into this, she's done nothing wrong! Either has her Fiancé by the sounds of it. Nice bit of victim blaming there sweetheart

Haven't read everything so sorry if this has been mentioned already.

Mutual 'friend' has already broken Lucy's conference once by telling you. Who knows how many other people she's gossipped to. Seems likely that sooner or later Lucy's DH is going to find out. Especially as the 'friend' seems to want to course drama.

I'd advice DF to talk to her, agree to keep a distance for know, but let her know he will be there for baby (if his) if/when needed.

• Confidants

The CMS will enforce a DNA test paid by your DF.

Tricky one, whilst I agree a child should know who their biological parents are, you're potentially destroying a family unit. I'd be treating Lucy very very nicely and then asking for a DNA test without involving her DH.

We've just had a similar issue in our friendship group, a solicitor has informed the mum that the CMS will insist on a DNA test and backdated payments (friend’s H cheated on his DW got his affair partner pregnant, told his wife and they’ve gone into hiding - oblivious to the fact CMS will trace him through his payroll and the gov).

Tread carefully, these are lives you are playing with including a very small, vulnerable one. The potential for this to blow up is huge.

I don't want to be complicit in doing that to someone

You won't be. It's clear that Lucy either knows who the father is and is comfortable with the answer, or she doesn't and has decided to live with that. She is the one who will bear responsibility for any potential fallout down the line, and that is as it should be, because she is the baby's mother and the only one, as far as we know, with enough information to make what she considers to be a reasonable judgement about what the right course of action is. Your DF had a casual and short-lived relationship with her: it's not his place or yours to barge in and start making accusations which may be entirely groundless. If Lucy knows or suspects that your DF is her child's father, she has nonetheless decided that it's not in her baby's or her family's interests to pursue it. And so, as uninvolved (as far as anyone knows, including you) parties, need to respect her decision. If things change down the line, you'll deal with it then, but nothing is gained, right now, from throwing a grenade into the situation.

If Lucy wanted to get a DNA test etc do you not think she'd have been in touch??

Indeed. And if Lucy wanted your fiance to have a photo she'd have sent him one.

He can't insist on a DNA test otherwise any random person could insist on a DNA test. Your partner can only insist on a DNA test if Lucy comes along asking for child maintenance. Unless he intends to blackmail Lucy - get a DNA test or I will tell her husband. I can't imagine blackmail would go down well with a solicitor.

All this concern about the baby is a bit of a distraction. Not long ago your fiance knowingly shagged a married woman and didn't always use a condom. You are right to feel anxious about your fiance shagging married people and sometimes not using a condom, who knows what other babies might be out there or what else he might do in future. The baby is a possible problem for the future. Your fiance is a bigger problem right now.

Sounds as if you want him to be a willing father so you can prove he'll be a good husband to set against other evidence that he wont.

I'd leave them alone. Seems like digging for trouble to no avail.

Can’t believe so many posters think the concerns of a cheating spouse who has lied to her H, including potentially about paternity of her DC, outweigh the interests of the child.

Of course Lucy won’t admit to your DF there’s a chance it is his. If she were willing to do this, she’d have told him from the off. Calling her up to ask is a stupid idea, you won’t obtain any remote truth from that.

You need a DNA test. I would be informing her that he wants one and if she declines it, DF will enforce one via CMS. If he enforces one, there’s far more chance her DH will find out so it’s better for her if she just lets DF have one in the first place. Your DF will obviously have to stump up the cost.

No point running through the what if’s until you know the truth. You don’t even know the baby exists right now let alone anything else. Tell DF to contact her, tell her he has been told she has a baby thats conception tallies up with the time they were having unprotected sex and go from there.

If it is his, I would strongly reconsider marrying him. The ramifications will be immense. He won’t only be financially responsible for the next 18 years (at least), he will also have to emotionally support the baby. No doubt Lucy’s marriage would end and she would find herself embroiled in a messy divorce. It’s not a situation I would willingly put myself through as a third party, put it that way. I’d be running for the hills.

Also hope this has taught your DF about the repercussions of casually sleeping with someone without protection.

If a “family unit” (based on lies) is destroyed, that will be entirely the cheater’s fault.

There is no need for Lucy’s H to know about a paternity test.

I would say find out.

The child deserves to know who it's biological parents are. It could be your fiance or her husband, because she slept around. How she deals with her husband is her problem, not yours. The child is your fiances problem, if it's his.

Oops, my mistake, possibly he could get a court order for a DNA test just by his own say-so.

They arranged a DNA which proved exH was the father, he wanted to have contact but she refused. It turned out she was only telling exH because her relationship had ended with the boys fake father and she wanted CSA money!

I was going to post something similar. A lot of posters are saying ‘well Lucy would have been in contact for a DNA if she wanted to’ but she’s probably happy with her life now. I imagine if the affair ever comes out, her husband leaves and assuming the baby could be OP’s partners, I bet she’d be straight on the phone.

I’m also really shocked at people questioning why OP/DP are ‘so invested’ in this. Can you really be over-invested in finding out if you have a child?

Yes it could all be made up, but if there was zero chance of it being true, then why would OPs DP even think about it.

How would you feel if an ex turned up in your life and demanded DNA because they had heard your kid might be theirs?
I'd be delighted. My DCs are adopted and neither one has firm proof of who their birth father is. Both have been approached and declined any contact or tests. My DCs have the right to know their biological families.

Why does he want to know? Because he genuinely wants to co-parent the child 50:50 with Lucy?

Or because he wants to feel like he's 'doing the decent thing' by bunging Lucy a CMS payment, plus a bit extra, each month and seeing the child EOW after having thrown a grenade into its life and helped to make its mother a single parent?

You should only pursue this, if, should you find out he is the father, he is prepared to have a 50% role in the child's life. And that means you too.

If that's not what you want, then there's no point upsetting the apple cart just for the sake of knowing.

My advice is that your DF contacts Lucy and asks her to provide DNA evidence of paternity. His leverage to get her agreement is that her husband is not involved at this point. Once they whether the child is his, Lucy and your DF can decide what is best for the child. This could mean he steps back and lets Lucy and husband parent but with the understanding that the child is told and can make the choice to contact him at any point when they are old enough. If the child is Lucy’s husbands then he need never know anything. Not saying he shouldn’t know but that may be a different issue. But if the child isn’t DF’s you can get on with your lives.

Lucy potentially has a lot to lose by not cooperating and getting in control of the situation. You have leverage to get her to agree to the test without her husband.

How would you feel if an ex turned up in your life and demanded DNA because they had heard your kid might be theirs?

If it was after cheating on my husband, I’d be annoyed but it would be fair enough.
An affair doesn’t exactly fill you with confidence in a person’s honesty.