My husband cheated my with an escort

[Desp1980]

I’m married with my DH for 10 years and we have 2 beautiful children. Two days ago I found a message in his phone with a woman’s name, address and web page. It seemed he visited an escort and when I questioned him regarding this message he denied everything saying that it never happened. I visited the webpage mentioned in the message and I discovered a review which it seemed to be written by him. In this review he wrote that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore because I have put weight but at least he wrote that he loves me. What should I do? Should I forgive or divorce him?

Just as an aside, compost. Perfect lives? I very much doubt that there are many of us with those. Personally I am picking up the pieces after discovering my husband had a prostitute habit. Yes, that is a lovely job when you have four children I can tell you. I meani am sure he would happily tell anyone who would listen what a mean old wife I was with my less than perfect figure and my dating to not be at his beck and call sexually. I mean it was his divine right to pay for it elsewhere I guess? (By the way we were still having sex) Oh and the old “I love you so much and never want to be without you” line is one he throws out quite often still. Divorce proceedings are happening thank god.
If you choose to pay for sex go for it, your wife should know though. If she ever discovers she has the double whammy if you cheating and lying to her. Take it from me, it isn’t a nice feeling.

Daring to not be at his beck and call, not dating (that would be another thread entirely)

compost, no, it's not entirely your fault that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, you massive self-pitying man-child, but it is within your gift to choose what action you take as a result. Oh diddums, you love her too much to leave but not enough to not fuck prostitutes behind her back and lie to her face about it; oh, okay then, it's totally alright because you're so in love with her and that makes it absolutely okay.

I don't mean to be harsh here (I'm aware I am being) but sometimes you just need to take a long hard look at who you are and the bullshit you spout to yourself to justify your own behavior! Your relationship has serious problems. You know that. But in order to be a decent human being you need to have some personal integrity and standards on how you behave and how you treat other people, even if that means sometimes you don't get to be with the person you really really love (so much you have sex with escorts).

Sometimes you have to do the right thing, even though it may not be the easy thing, and sometimes even though it means not being with the person you "love" - for both your sakes.

And sometimes it means not coercing women into bed with you by offering them money. Coercion + sex = not a very nice man, you know that, right?

I do not have a perfect life; I understand making mistakes and bad decisions and not always being a great person when you feel your back's against a wall. But if you want to get to the end of your life and be someone you can actually like, at some point you have to start living by some sort of moral code. And that is not banging escorts behind your oblivious wife's back and telling yourself that she drove you to it by making you love her but refusing to have sex.

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the people who generally take the moral high ground are usually the ones with the dark secrets.

What a load of rubbish Compost

People are reacting to your post because you sound like a self indulgent, entitled man child.

My H cheated on me with prostitutes. We were having an active sex life. I can’t tell you how utterly devastating it is when your H cheats on you in that way. Your wife deserves to know

Wow!
You really think those of us who are pointing out that you are not being honest are harbouring dark secrets? I mean, unless crying yourself to sleep at least twice a week, having to ask the gp for a prescription in order to get through each day without anxiety and falling apart and regularly doubting yourself as a parent are dark secrets then I think I am a pretty much free from any.
You could do the right thing, you just choose not to.

compost none of my misdeeds - great as some of them are - are secrets. That's part of trying to be a moral individual.

Ratrolypoly, thank you. Yet again your posts are spot on.

its easy for people on here to say leave him because he cheated, but those people have probably never been in that situation
I think you will find compost that a very large percentage have been in exactly this situation (being cheated on, not necessarily escorts).
That's why we are here.
That's why the advice we give is good.
We have experienced it. We have hindsight and we can give good advice based on know-how, because we've been there and go the t-shirt. And because you only to have to look on these boards to see there are a lot a lot a lot of men out there that cheat.
Your DW sounds like a controlling prude and you should leave.
And if she wants to commit suicide that is down to her.
She sounds like she has some serious mental health issues and unless you are a MH professional, you cannot help or save her!!!!
We get one shot at this life.
Yes one! You don't get to come back and do it again.
You are living a half life.
A life you do NOT want to live.
So why are you doing it????
My poor DSis died recently - mid 40's!!!!
It can be cut short, fast.
Please live it! Stop being controlled by this manipulative, controlling person and get out there and grab life.

*so i get the fact that although she has refused me sex for 10 years, you are all trying to shift the blame on me, thats ok, your entitled to your opinion, i wont leave her because i genuinely love her, thats why i have stayed with her for 10 years,

have no idea what it is like to be rejected by your wife and the person you love every single day. and yes, we do talk about it, and all she says is that "i"m only after her body", well i"ve not had her body for 10 years so that statement is a load of rubbish.

she says she loves me and if i ever left her she would kill herself...and i believe she would.*

Sex is not a human right, nor a marital right, stop acting like she owes it to you.

If she hasn't wanted sex with you in ten years you need to have proper conversations with her. I simply don't believe that the only thing she has ever said to you about why she doesn't want it is that you're only after her body. Maybe you're a bit of a rubbish lover, maybe she has zero sex drive, maybe it hurts these days. And tell her honestly, that you don't want to live a sexless life. I bet she doesn't want to live a life with a partner who secretly shagged a prostitute, eh?

I've nothing against people having open marriages. We all have friends who we get certain needs from (eg the drinking buddy) and others who are better at meeting our other needs (the one we go to for advice). I think in many ways it's unreasonable to expect one person to fulfill our lifelong companionship/child raising/listening ear/fun times and sexual needs. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking for mr right who is all of the above but if he isn't, that didn't mean I wouldn't want to marry and stay married to him, but it would mean that I'd want to renegotiate anything that wasn't okay good me but was included in marriage vows - and sex is definitely in that category.

Have a bit on the side, use sexworkers or whatever, but negotiate and contract it with your partner, otherwise it is you who is most definitely in the wrong.

', if a sex scene comes on the tele we have to switch over, if the newsreader is young, attractive and blonde we have to switch over, if we go to a restaurant and theres a young lady in my eyeline we have to move seats'

So to assuage your wife's obvious stress and insecurity you sleep with a hooker?

Electrascoffee- you are so right, everything points to her self esteem being at rock bottom already.

Sex is not a human right, nor a marital right

Neither is being treated with respect, but nevertheless if someone comes on here and posts that their partner regularly speaks to them disrespectfully, goes out drinking with friends at weekends rather than spending time with the partner, doesn't bother doing their share of household and childcare tasks, etc, they would be advised by all and sundry to LTB (and rightly so.)

The same goes for when someone comes on here and says they find their sex life within their relationship upsettingly unfulfilling NotThe. They also get told to LTB. And rightly so.

I agree NotTheFordType, though I'm not certain I follow your intention in replying to me with that?

"She has refused me sex" - the wording sounds off to me, like a publican refusing to serve alcohol to a customer. It's not a service, at least not within a marriage, unless that's your kink. The wording makes me think he doesn't really respect her. Her actions make me think there is a problem gong the other way too. It's not really a recipe for success is it.

I try not to post LTB because it's such a dramatic step to take, but that doesn't mean I think it's all rosy.

Compost, if you loved your wife that much , why just not ask her what is ok with her , is she ok with porn , masturbation etc and if you aren’t preoared to leave and she isn’t prepared to ‘service’ you , why not just stick at that. If it is really vital that you stick your dick in someone, rather than resort to hookers, tell her you have to leave or ask if you can use prostitutes. Her making threats is down to her mental health, you will make it bloody worse if it comes to light you have been using hookers

Open marriages when mutually agreed to are a good option. Much better than be cheated on unknowingly.

Being treated with respect in a marriage absolutely is a marital and human right!

Open marriages are only a reasonable choice when both people want that from the outset.

I totally agree that being treated with respect is a marital right. Without respect a marriage is failing.

What an arrogant arsehole! Who leaves a flipping review?!?!?

You are not ugly, fat or unattractive but your husband does not love you. He is full of shit.

What would your family and friends say if they knew? What would you tell them if you heard this?

thankyou for all your replies and opinions, saying she refused me sex is probably the wrong word, she finds anything to do with sex repulsive, and this has only been since she went through the menopause at 50. she does have low self esteem and she thinks shes short fat and ugly, but i reassure her all the time that shes not and shes perfect to me, i went with an escort once out of frustration, it was my way of dealing with it, other people might seek solace in drink and get blind drunk, other people might get violent if they dont get what they want, at the end of the day i want my wife to get better, and to get back to having a normal relationship, i dont want to take the easy option and leave her, theres another thread on here about working at relationships, and i really am trying to make this one work, i know a lot of you think i"m the husband from hell because of my one bad moment, and your perfectly entitled to think that.

I can promise you her self esteem will hit lower depths if she finds out what you have done. I can honestly say finding out my husband had paid for sex has taken me to the darkest places I have ever been to.

This post breaks my heart! I was sat here considering writing a post about how my husband left his phone screen on in the bathroom and when I was in there I saw it was on porn and then I thought let me have a little look at history and he was looking for local hookups with older women.
Probably because I struggle since having our baby to be intimate because I'm finding it hard to adjust to the huge change your body goes through. It is not okay.
Sometimes I think what would he do if it was the other way round.
You definitely need to stick up for yourself, he at least needs to admit it and no excuses tbh. The hardest part is deciding whether or not you can live with it and if you'll be able to trust him.
For him to say cheating on you has saved your marriage is horrible! So if you hadn't have slept with him would he have left anyway. I'm so sorry for what you're going through! xox