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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband cheated my with an escort

131 replies

Desp1980 · 28/08/2018 10:15

I’m married with my DH for 10 years and we have 2 beautiful children. Two days ago I found a message in his phone with a woman’s name, address and web page. It seemed he visited an escort and when I questioned him regarding this message he denied everything saying that it never happened. I visited the webpage mentioned in the message and I discovered a review which it seemed to be written by him. In this review he wrote that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore because I have put weight but at least he wrote that he loves me. What should I do? Should I forgive or divorce him?

OP posts:

cobwebsinthebelfry · 28/08/2018 11:57

Sorry for your shock and disappointment in the person you though OH was.

What he has done is not a very bright way to 'save the marriage' is it?
He doesn't fancy you and is lying, you rightly don't trust him so there doesn't seem to be much left to repair. Take advice from the wisdom here, OP, from those who have been through it.

bethy15 · 28/08/2018 12:02

I understand that what I did was not moral but I think has saved my marriage.

He thinks sleeping with a prostitute, subjecting you to possible STD's and at the same time insulting his wife's body and the fact he likes this woman as she looks how you used to look has saved his marriage?

It's up to you what you do, but the fact he wants to treat you this way, lie to you, and then treat women this way. I mean, the review, it's as if she isn't even a person or a woman but an object for him to buy and review like on Amazon. That's how he sees women. And he didn't just want to 'review' her but also insult you while he's doing it.

Belina · 28/08/2018 12:09

Wow op I'm so sorry this is horrible. Yes I probably would divorce him you are wasting your good years on this man

whymewhyme · 28/08/2018 12:12

What a absolute scum bag! Move on girl, you deserve so much more!

Butterfly44 · 28/08/2018 12:15

If that's the way he respects his wife.....

Marriage is a lot more than sex...respect, care, honesty, I could go on but you know it already. That's definitely a deal breaker and I would be asking him to leave.

Snoopychildminder · 28/08/2018 12:20

I’m so sorry OP.
This must be such a shock.
You need to take some time for yourself only you know how you truely feel.
What a bastard

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2018 12:32

Divorce him

Original poster

Desp1980 · 28/08/2018 12:39

hellsbellsmelons The reality is that I have let myself down the last 2 years and I partially blame me for what happened. He did warn me that the life is not over at 35 and should care a little more. I feel a lot of anger and anger doesn't let you think rationally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Desp1980 · 28/08/2018 12:47

Thingsdogetbetter The dates are correct.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 28/08/2018 12:54

Are you happy with your DP.
If this hadn't of happened, what does your relationship look like?
Is he caring, loving, supporting?
Does he cherish you and make you feel loved and listened to.
Something has happened here and I just wonder what it is.

Feckers2018 · 28/08/2018 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsTeach · 28/08/2018 13:06

The reality is that I have let myself down the last 2 years and I partially blame me for what happened. He did warn me that the life is not over at 35 and should care a little more. I feel a lot of anger and anger doesn't let you think rationally.

This makes me so angry/sad! Don't ever blame yourself for someone doing this to you.

In an ideal world everyone would be at their most attractive 100% of the time even after children/years of marriage etc but that just isn't the case, life happens and sometimes you put on a bit of weight or lose interest in maintaining yourself in a way you once did.

This does NOT give your husband an excuse to go off and spend the night with someone else.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but do not let him make you believe you caused this.

Electrascoffee · 28/08/2018 13:11

Feckers will you stop troll hunting.

OP, please don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for this. Does he look like a total Adonis? Really??

Electrascoffee · 28/08/2018 13:13

As others have said it's normal to age and none of us at 35 look like we did at 20. Nobody in the world does.

bethy15 · 28/08/2018 13:14

Please don't blame yourself for this. That's exactly what he wants. You didn't force him to pay a woman for sex and treat her like a piece of meat.

It's not you, it's him.

category12 · 28/08/2018 13:16

RatRolyPoly · 28/08/2018 13:24

Yeah, seriously, don't blame yourself. You've had children. Do you really think you've been able to be the scorching hot sexy version of yourself in that time? Is that fun for you??

Does he think you're the only one who should have to sacrifice that in order to bring your kids into the world and navigate all the stresses and tolls that takes on a person, and he shouldn't have to shelve that vision of himself for just a couple of years in the grand scheme of things? That's bull. You were in this together. You made those choices together. He chose to go through that period of putting your children first with you and that's what he should have done. Poor him that he didn't get to carry on being the sex god he thinks he is in his mind's eye - none of us get to be that when the kids are small!

Don't for a second blame yourself. However you feel you let your relationship down you have to know that is the normal strain of small children, and a couple should go through that together. One doesn't get to say, "why should I have to suffer any hardship just because my wife does?". That's not okay. Worst case scenario and he feels it really is one-sided and you're letting the team down he talks to you about it. Like an adult. Like your life partner. What he's done is not the maturity and caring one would expect of a grown man. Don't for one second accept that as an excuse.

JackReacherReader · 28/08/2018 13:30

Newerversion · 28/08/2018 14:29

Right, firstly do not ever ever blame yourself for this. So your body may have changed since you met, so you may have aged, sometimes not have prioritised him. Has he remained the same? It is his fault he is a shallow, selfish and disloyal scumbag- not yours.
He comes from a group of men who view women as commodities, things you can order to size, shape and by what they are willing to do. He is not a good man.

I was you almost exactly a year ago and what started as a discovery of one message turned into the uncovering of an entire secret life of sex workers.

My stbxh claims to still love me to this day, he begs,pleads and talks about how changed he is. Just as I would never be with a man who had a history of violence to women there is now no way I would have anything to do with a man like my ex.

RatRolyPoly · 28/08/2018 14:32

what started as a discovery of one message turned into the uncovering of an entire secret life of sex workers.

Snap.

My stbxh claims to still love me to this day, he begs,pleads and talks about how changed he is.

Double snap.

You're not alone OP.

SweetnessIWasOnlyJoking · 28/08/2018 16:19

RatRolyPoly and Newerversion: Would you mind sharing HOW you found more. I have evidence of booking escorts only but have got the whole 'I was just curious' excuse. This was also 15 years ago. I've had my suspicions since but I really blew my hand when I found the emails. God, what I would do for proof, even though we are split!

TheVanguardSix · 28/08/2018 16:26

It saved his marriage.
I’d love to hear him explain that one.

The whole thing is a deal breaker.

girlwithadragontattoo · 28/08/2018 16:34

My heart is literally breaking for you. What an utter nob! He clearly doesn't love you, when you love someone you don't sleep with escorts.

LTB and stick 2 fingers up to him

Wherearemymarbles · 28/08/2018 17:14

If he no longer finds you attractive and no longer wants to have sex, then he can simply leave. Having a family life whilst paying for sex elsewhere is not the way to save a marriage.

Saffy60 · 28/08/2018 17:51

That is very sad.

What an arrogant, entitled, self opinionated, and selfish person he must be to do and write what he did, he must think he is Liam Hemsworth!!!

Hope you do whatever is best for you OP.

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