In laws turned up to lo nursery

[Beacal72]

First time poster hello 😁

A bit fed up with meddling in laws (mil and sil) they turned up at my lo nursery without telling us to tour it in the of chance they "might" send theirs next year. Despite it being out of their way by miles.

They told us after the fact and didn't seem bothered that the could disrupt our dd during her time there. As they left her there whilst taking her touring cousin home.

We don't leave her with anyone but nursery and we are super strict about her routines as she is bf and took a long time to be reallly happy at nursery. They said she seemed confused they were there. Which is understandable!

My sil was unapologetic and said we ruined her day by challenging not letting us know. They know our parenting style. They know we would have asked the staff to remove our dd before they entered the room to avoid her getting upset.

I'm really heartbroken as all i want to do is protect my daughter, especially when we are at work and she is at nursery. But they say we are in the wrong for being upset. I'm so cross and just hoping im not alone in my despair 😣

This is a just one of a long list of undermining behaviour by the in laws And resentment is building.

Total PFB behaviour!

How are you breastfeeding if you're at work, though? And what age WILL you let her go for sleepovers? It just seems to me you're being rather territorial OP. My baby dgs came to sleep at my house right from a few days old and didn't suffer any ill effects.

I breastfed when I was at work. BF in the morning and at night, expressed at lunchtime to make a bottle for nursery the next day. Didn’t leave DS overnight till he was nearly 2. DGPs didn’t miss out in any way, although they live a distance away so sleepovers wouldn’t have been practical, they came to stay with us instead.

They obviously did it to royally piss you off OP.

And then will be comparing the nursery they choose and now have ammunition to make your nursery sound not quite so good perhaps so they can continue to try and belittle you and cause rifts. They may even try and persuade your DP you should change nurseries down the line.

I get your frustration. Control by stealth. Ignore. Smile sweetly and plan responses. Just don't show you are rattled as this is their intent. To try and demonstrate you are always over reacting when not agreeing with them.

Ah OP I’m totally with you on the BF and no dummies thing! My DD wouldn’t take a bottle either, my lovingly expressed breast milk would come home untouched from nursery. When she was one the HV suggested changing to cold cow’s milk in a sippy cup for her daytime milk and that worked really well. Imagine my friends’ jealous looks when their toddlers wouldn’t give up bottles!

Thanks Lalliella, i did wonder if some of the posts are typical of forums ( this is my first post). When you feel low about someone that has upset you some of the comments can come accross as harsh.
Thankfully posters like yourself have pointed out things that are true of the situation that i have been able to voice to everyones understanding. This makes me feel a little better as clearly others have similar or relatable experience.

I dont think they went to put the nursery down, i do believe it was a boundary stomp as suggested by another pp or just to show they can get around what they presume are "strict " boundaries. I guess the idea of seeing dd at nursery without us around is something that makes you curious.

I know i have often wanted a little peek into her nursery day, but would never do so to avoid disrupting her.

Aarrgghh I can’t believe I spelt nurseries as “nursery’s” on my earlier post, so sorry!

I’m so surprised that everyone is telling you that you are over-reacting - you sound really distraught over this and that would only ever come from a situation where this is the latest in a long line of subtle mark-overstepping. As mothers, all that really matters is that we are doing a good job with our babies and it sounds to me as though your in-laws are using subtle (men-proof) means of belittling decisions that you have made on how to parent your babies. What does your husband think? Does he disapprove of their actions?

Sorry but you are totally overeacting

OP if it makes you feel better, my two have never been to a sleepover and they are nearly 6 and 2.

DS2 still has a lot of milk from me - it's helping him with the pain of his molars at the moment.

Your MIL/SIL are making you feel defensive but you can't quite put your finger on it: classic boundary-overstepping/gaslighting.

Have a plan to put them off the scent at every turn: 'we're thinking of moving nurseries', 'we're considering moving house far away'. If you really don't want them involved because they're undermining you, tell them nothing at all, ever.

If they're toxic, they're best kept at arm's length, away from DD.

They looked round your dd nursery,in all honesty whatever the reasons behind it does it really matter?
At 1 she honestly will not have been confused about the situation she might have even been busy playing when they were there.
Try and put it into perspective.

I would have loved to have seen my 2 at nursery! I wished they had nursery-cam so you could watch them all day. But I wouldn’t have got any work done!

You’re right though, it’s massively crossing boundaries. I think that’s awful that MIL undermined you BF when you were struggling. When that’s happening you need support, and people around you who will support you not the opposite. She sounds very interfering.

I guess the problem is you have to put up with them to some extent as you want DD to have her DGM and DA in her life. I think it was a good idea of PP to ask them what they thought of the nursery. Say it would be lovely for the cousins to go there together!

It was of course very rude of your MIL and SIL to step into your family’s territory (your DD’s nursery), for whatever reason, without mentioning their intention to do so to you in advance. They overstepped a boundary and you are upset because they have form for overstepping boundaries and it makes you anxious.

OP I havent read all the responses but a lot of them and I have read all yours.

I am going to try to suggest you look at it from a different point of view.

You have likely told SIL and MIL you were happy with the nursery? It is possible because you have spoken of how well your dd has settled they went to see it to compare with other nurseries?

You say your dd was confused. You can change that around to say that you are happy she is settled in a good nursery as you know that her keyworker would have been there to comfort her and this would have settled her even further into a good nursery.

With regard to MIL saying to stop bf. Many of us go through that. My own mother would have the stock answer of " well your milk likely isnt good enough" as soon as you hit 6 weeks as apparently " hers dried up overnight" My favourite was when I told her dd1 age 4 months had chickenpox's and was irritable and she replied " well your milk probably isn't good enough that's why she is irritable" err no it will be the itchy spots that makes her irritable not my milk.

It is not necessarily done because they wanted the baby with them. Simply because it was not how they had chosen to do things so our way seems weird (I breast fed 2 of mine to 2 years of age so I fully get how you can do so at age 1)

I get that you think them going to the nursery it is weird. I would do so too. However in the grander scheme of things this is one to just let go and move on from. Tell nursery they are not to allow them in without express permission from you or dh. Shrug your shoulders in a " Nowt as queer as folk" manner and just store it away.

You come across as a very caring and eager to do well mother. However as a mother of 4 trust me when I tell you that you also come across as someone who is very precious first born over your dd. This combined with the emotive language in your first post is what people are reacting to. There is not as such anything wrong with this. However if you can learn not to sweat the small stuff (and this is small stuff it may feel big but really your dd was fine and they can't do it again) then when you really have to be up against it when they do something completely non negotiable. Your no and standing firm will be heard so much louder than if you chase the small stuff.

“Heartbroken”, “making a parenting decision”, “want to protect your daughter”

What ridiculous, dramatic responses! She’s at nursery and a relative went to look round. Get real, get a life!

By your being way too over protective and controlling you are fuelling the fire

Loads of us have breastfed and work! I was back at work full time within weeks and breast fed for 1 - 2 years. Expressed at work until about 8 months and then just fed when I was around and in the night. It is lovely.

As for these relatives they seem very strange and I would say as little as possible to them but the child will have got over any minor upset in about 5 minutes so I wouldn't worry about it. As Enko says you are a first time mother. When you have 5 as I do you realise babies are pretty tough. It sounds like you are doing a very good job - just keep at it and don't listen to views of relatives. We all have to do things our own way.

Most of us know to avoid a child when with others otherwise they get upset and start crying so I can understand your concern - you hide so they don't spot you and don't get upset if you see one at a nursery out and about near you. No one rushes over to see them and upset them unless they are weird, stupid or nasty.

we are super strict about her routines We let her be free - which is it? I have no idea about the backstory but the nursery visit isn't the hill to die on.

I always wonder how the parents feel when they become grandparents and look back at how they handled situations.

I get it too OP. I think aome posters are being deliberately obtuse.

I would have a word with the nursery. I'd calmly explain that you are having some issues with ILs overstepping and their visit was so they could see dd in her setting and know this wouldn't be allowed, so made up a story to get in. Drop in conversation that they are 2 bus rides away, so not likely to be viewing for sil's child. Explain that you need them to be aware of the situation for future ref. Don't be emotional about it or the nursery will treat you like some of yhe posters here, by responding to the way you have expressed concerns and not the concerns themselves. It might be better if your dh talks to nursery, since the issue is with his family.

The nuclear option is to tell ILs that unless they can be trusted, they won't be seeing dd at all, but I'd keep that in reserve for now.

Remember that in the end there is very little they can do without the agrerment of you and your husband.

Unless you have a no contact order or something then can't you see that the nursery would think it odd, frankly that you would be over reacting ( which you are ) to your childs aunt/cousin and grandmother visiting the nursery.

The in laws have done nothing wrong OP. You want to be in control of thinsg to a fairly ridiculous degree. I promise you even if you say this to nursery they might agree to your face but they'll see you as a very unreasonable demanding " precious" parent.

Ever thought it might be NICE for the cousins to be at the same nursery ? Handy, even ?

People don't need to run their decisions by you. You poor husband putting up with your behaviour. Your poor chld putting up with your behaviour.

There are pages here telling you your behaviour is unreasonable/over dramatic. I would describe you as being silly.

Also it's perfectly okay to be a very protective parent. Better than not being protective enough!

Senmum, the ILs lied, in order to see dd at nursery. Even the OP hasn't been able to do this. How can you not see that as overstepping!

When it comes to your child’s future mental health it’s definitely not ok to be ‘a very protective parent’.

Thank you for all the supportive responses. You dont know how appreciated they are!

Water - thanks for letting me clarify, strict about routines being disrupted refers to interfering with naps and bedtimes as they want more time with her. Overtired bf babies makes for a harder put down esp when mama has to boob them.Dinner etc having to spoon feed her when she is babyled and quite capable. Strict is probably the wrong word to us, its just the way it has been described by them so i guess i assumed these things were abnormal.

We also dont post pictures on social media, only sil and mil have broken this request. No doubt ill get some fpb jibe about keeping her off social media too. I know this is not everyones cup of tea.

I totally get the bf/ sleepover issue, my mum didn’t approve of it and it did cause some issues. I think a lot of it stems from what she was told when raising me and my brother, she believes formula is much better for a baby than breast milk. I didn’t do any sleepovers until 17 months and my son did actually wean just after that but I was very much ready.

However I think you are in the wrong about the nursery. I get that it’s the straw that broke the camels back but it’s really not worth falling out over...by all means feel free to vent in a safe space though! Another way of looking at it might be that your SIL wants the best for her kid and has heard your good review of the nursery and wanted to see if it was worth the extra hassle in the morning to get her baby in somewhere great? There are some things that worry me a little in the way you worded things...all of us are trying our hardest for our kids but no matter how well we structure routines, control situations around them we cannot protect them from everything. She will experience some upset/confusion in her life and these are important emotions for her to learn. Totally understand that you were p*ed off and you get that your original post was very OTT.