So much has happened to my DH he's not the person I married. Do I stay or go?

[CountrysideGirl]

This is going to be long so please stick with me as I'm struggling and need some advice.

I've been with DH for 10 years, married for 6 years and have 2 DC. We were very close and got together in tricky circumstances as he was friends with my then OH and watched him emotionally abuse me. He gave up a lot for me and we were rock solid in the beginning. Things started to change between us when I was pregnant with DC2. He was intolerant of my tiredness, snappy with DC1, distant and unkind. I put it down to work stress, having a child who didn't sleep and was a busy toddler. I had a very difficult birth and start with DC1 so i was euphoric and proud to deliver my DC2 naturally and without complication. However he couldn't show me any kindness and got agitated when the baby cried or I needed help. A few months later after DC2 was quite unwell and we ended up in hospital I was diagnosed with PND. I sought lots of help and worked hard to get better, including medication. DH was quite dismissive and couldn't get his head around it. A little while after this he seemingly threw himself into work and we drifted along. One evening i said to him that i was worried i had an infection/thrush when he went very quiet. I accused him of an affair which would fit with his behaviour but he told me he'd been raped by 2 men whilst on a stag do 8 months before. Obviously this was a massive shock but I promised to work through it with him.

That was 3 years ago. Since then we bought a house which needs renovating, I've changed careers and in the past 18 months DH started to get unwell and under is now undee consultant care and ongoing treatment/investigations with no straightforward answers. He's lost a lot of weight (3 stone), is exhausted, moody, unkind to me and short tempered with the children. I'm trying so hard to be there for him but I'm struggling. We can't have a conversation about anything remotely sensitive without it becoming an argument. I don't feel like we're facing anything as a team and we have different views on how to move forward. I feel detached from him and our marriage. I don't know how to move forward. I really want my old DH back but feel like too much has happened.

What happened with the infection you had?

Is he happy as things are?

It could be his illness is the reason for his behaviour...especially as it's undiagnosed. It could be a side effect.

Would he consider marriage counselling?

*contract NOT contact

He hadnt told me. He seemed distant and moody but hid it from me. He told me as he thought he'd given me an STI (he got tested when he got back and had contracted something). I was tested and don't have it. He only told me as he thought I had got it. His rationale for telling me was to protect me from it. I don't understand that and wonder if he would have ever told me. Seeing his reaction when he finally told me has given me no reason to doubt him.

Has he been tested for all STIs?

He's never wanted to seek professional help and has kept it a secret except to me. I've had psychotherapy as his behaviour (rejection of me and DC2) was one of the triggers for my PHD.

Did the stag do take place during your pregnancy with DC2 or after?

Pess - I truly do but 3 years later I'm struggling and don't know how to keep being there for him when he's so negative towards me.

He said he would have marriage counselling but doesn't want to discuss the rape. I don't know how we can without it coming up.

The stag do was during my pregnancy. I was 7 months pregnant.

He has been tested for everything.

Do you think he was raped or that he had consensual sex?

What? Would you day that to a woman who said she was raped?

Did you post about this when it first happened as I remember a similar thread.

It sounds like your dh needs help, I'm not dismissing how you feel but how you say he acts could be severe depression.

But, if you want to leave you have every right to. I've no answers I'm sorry only to say I hope you both get through this

Yes RedNed. I think he needs professional help but I can't force him. He thinks he's 'dealt with it' by burying it.

I think your husband, by not confronting the rape, the trauma is manifesting physically with the undiagnosed illnesses.

I do wonder that too but I'm no expert. I just know how much its affected him as a person.

His reaction sounds typical and understandable for someone who has been through a terrible experience. You are the only person he has been able to confide in and you seem to be withdrawing from him.

He needs professional help but he also needs your help to give him the strength to seek it. I know it must be awful for you too but I think he deserves far more understanding than you are giving him.

Ah ok, so his behaviour changed around about the time of the rape?

I'd say that's to be expected really, it doesn't excuse how he treated you and if he'd have spoken up it might've helped matters but unfortunately there's a huge stigma against rape survivors particularly males (for instance, I've never seen a post on MN query whether a female was definitely raped or if it was consensual yet there's one above ) makes his silence understandable.

He may have PTSD which can only truly be dealt with by professionals, if he isn't willing/able to speak up about it and seek that help for the sake of your family, then harsh as it is, you cannot be expected to live your lives in the shadows of this. I've been there with my husband and it made us all bloody miserable.

What an awful time for you and your DH. As long as you can let him know you believe him and he can trust you and you are there for him, while encouraging him gently to open up and seek outside help - that alone is all you can do at the minute if you want to support him through this traumatic period. for you both

Ruffian thank you. I think we've been so focused on all the other difficulties in our life (his illness, house renovations, small children etc) that I've lost site of that. He won't discuss it so it's the elephant in the room that I need to remember is there and having a huge affect.

He definitely needs counselling on his own first of all he cannot ignore this you can only say if your not going get help how will we survive ? this it must have been an awful shock op and as a man it must be awful for him especially to open up old wounds I can’t see how it will ever leave him but you can only try to help Only he can decide what to do even if it means losing you he might take that risk.

My God. That's terrible that he was raped.

I think he does need your unconditional support, but also he does need to know that you are struggling to give this. I just don't know what to say - you both sound lost.

Would he consider that getting support from someone else might allow you to help him more - that having to be his only support is nearly impossible at the moment because of your own struggles? From a bit of a Google I found around male rape Survivors UK - might he consider online chat with a support worker, even if something labelled Counselling would be too much for him?

sorry got the link wrong - this is the link to survivors uk

These people are great:

www.survivorsuk.org

They will help/support family and friends of the survivors of male rape, as well as the survivors themselves.