This is going to be long so please stick with me as I'm struggling and need some advice.
I've been with DH for 10 years, married for 6 years and have 2 DC. We were very close and got together in tricky circumstances as he was friends with my then OH and watched him emotionally abuse me. He gave up a lot for me and we were rock solid in the beginning. Things started to change between us when I was pregnant with DC2. He was intolerant of my tiredness, snappy with DC1, distant and unkind. I put it down to work stress, having a child who didn't sleep and was a busy toddler. I had a very difficult birth and start with DC1 so i was euphoric and proud to deliver my DC2 naturally and without complication. However he couldn't show me any kindness and got agitated when the baby cried or I needed help. A few months later after DC2 was quite unwell and we ended up in hospital I was diagnosed with PND. I sought lots of help and worked hard to get better, including medication. DH was quite dismissive and couldn't get his head around it. A little while after this he seemingly threw himself into work and we drifted along. One evening i said to him that i was worried i had an infection/thrush when he went very quiet. I accused him of an affair which would fit with his behaviour but he told me he'd been raped by 2 men whilst on a stag do 8 months before. Obviously this was a massive shock but I promised to work through it with him.
That was 3 years ago. Since then we bought a house which needs renovating, I've changed careers and in the past 18 months DH started to get unwell and under is now undee consultant care and ongoing treatment/investigations with no straightforward answers. He's lost a lot of weight (3 stone), is exhausted, moody, unkind to me and short tempered with the children. I'm trying so hard to be there for him but I'm struggling. We can't have a conversation about anything remotely sensitive without it becoming an argument. I don't feel like we're facing anything as a team and we have different views on how to move forward. I feel detached from him and our marriage. I don't know how to move forward. I really want my old DH back but feel like too much has happened.