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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So much has happened to my DH he's not the person I married. Do I stay or go?

101 replies

CountrysideGirl · 24/08/2018 22:38

This is going to be long so please stick with me as I'm struggling and need some advice.

I've been with DH for 10 years, married for 6 years and have 2 DC. We were very close and got together in tricky circumstances as he was friends with my then OH and watched him emotionally abuse me. He gave up a lot for me and we were rock solid in the beginning. Things started to change between us when I was pregnant with DC2. He was intolerant of my tiredness, snappy with DC1, distant and unkind. I put it down to work stress, having a child who didn't sleep and was a busy toddler. I had a very difficult birth and start with DC1 so i was euphoric and proud to deliver my DC2 naturally and without complication. However he couldn't show me any kindness and got agitated when the baby cried or I needed help. A few months later after DC2 was quite unwell and we ended up in hospital I was diagnosed with PND. I sought lots of help and worked hard to get better, including medication. DH was quite dismissive and couldn't get his head around it. A little while after this he seemingly threw himself into work and we drifted along. One evening i said to him that i was worried i had an infection/thrush when he went very quiet. I accused him of an affair which would fit with his behaviour but he told me he'd been raped by 2 men whilst on a stag do 8 months before. Obviously this was a massive shock but I promised to work through it with him.

That was 3 years ago. Since then we bought a house which needs renovating, I've changed careers and in the past 18 months DH started to get unwell and under is now undee consultant care and ongoing treatment/investigations with no straightforward answers. He's lost a lot of weight (3 stone), is exhausted, moody, unkind to me and short tempered with the children. I'm trying so hard to be there for him but I'm struggling. We can't have a conversation about anything remotely sensitive without it becoming an argument. I don't feel like we're facing anything as a team and we have different views on how to move forward. I feel detached from him and our marriage. I don't know how to move forward. I really want my old DH back but feel like too much has happened.

OP posts:

plasticpotato · 24/08/2018 23:03

Also - you can ring Rape Crisis where you are and seek advice - they can guide you through

Original poster

CountrysideGirl · 24/08/2018 23:03

He did go to a pre counselling meeting at a rape charity and they said they would refer him for PTSD as he was showing signs of that but he didn't want to follow it up.

OP posts:

YerAuntFanny · 24/08/2018 23:04

My thoughts exactly @Thatsfuckingshit

Original poster

CountrysideGirl · 24/08/2018 23:05

I've signposted him to both of those in the past and I have spoken to them but there's bit much more i can do if he doesn't want to go there. He's literally blocked it like it's never happened and there is no cause and effect.

OP posts:

plasticpotato · 24/08/2018 23:08

He's not at a stage where he is ready to confront the trauma of the rape. And no one can force it. Frustratingly, it will be when he is ready to. But you can be clear how detrimental the effect it is having on you and your family. If you can address this gently but clearly to him it may help. Much love.

Porpoises · 24/08/2018 23:09

It sounds very possible that he has ptsd. It can manifest as disconnected and short tempered.

Sounds like he's desperately trying to avoid thinking about the rape, understandably. But that means he can't heal, and it's destroying your family. Emotional trauma can also make you more predisposed to many physical illnesses, which may or may not be relevant to his current health issues.

I recommend you learn as much as you can about ptsd if you haven't already. I recommend the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk - its very well researched, though not an easy read from an emotional point of view.

If he refuses trauma counseling, would he consider joining an online support forum, or reading about ptsd?

Porpoises · 24/08/2018 23:11

(Cross posted with your most recent updates)

RandomMess · 24/08/2018 23:11

I think it is reasonable to issue the ultimatum that he seeks professional help for being raped whether that is him on his own or together as a couple.

You need to blunt your marriage has falling apart and you can't spend the next x years waiting for him to deal with it whilst the impact on you is so destructive.

to you both, I remember your previous thread about this (or one very similar).

TheConquestOfHappiness · 24/08/2018 23:18

It’s a long time ago now, but Survivors gave me ongoing support to stand by a partner who couldn’t talk about it.

Talk based therapies can be retraumatising for some people- reliving the experience by talking about it makes it worse. Might be worth looking into trauma therapies that are based on movement like Tre and making your husband aware of them.

My partner was never able to talk about it with anyone but me. His path to healing involved a two man round the world boat trip with a close friend. It restored his confidence in himself. He believed in himself again.

He got back on his feet properly about six to seven years after the attack. He was permanently changed by it.

Porpoises · 24/08/2018 23:20

Another therapy to consider is emdr (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) - its possible to do it without actually talking about the trauma, and some people find it very successful.

Original poster

CountrysideGirl · 24/08/2018 23:22

Conquest thank you so much for posting. I'll revisit them as it was 3 years ago now. It's really amazing hearing about your husband. Mine has definitely lost his way and unable to believe in himself. I hope he gets there too.

OP posts:

Original poster

CountrysideGirl · 24/08/2018 23:23

Yes that's what he was referred for but he didn't want to go through with it.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 24/08/2018 23:38

My Dh has childhood issues which iI was very understanding about for years but I found I was often waking on eggshells. Eventually I did have to give him an ultimatum, he either sought help or I was leaving. It was very difficult thing to say but you get to the stage where you cannot help
them any more , they need professional help.

I do feel so sorry for your dh and I hope he is able to get help soon.

TheConquestOfHappiness · 24/08/2018 23:38

Glad it helped to hear that.

The TRE exercises are a good route for some people because the person doesn’t have to revisit the trauma memory (either verbally or in their mind’s eye) to get benefits.

I used the exercises personally when going a conventional therapy road for a traumatic incident started giving me splitting headaches and nightmares. As it sounds like your husband is manifesting his trauma via his body, it might be sensible to try to start to heal his trauma via his body.

The exercises weren’t the whole story for me. But they did get me started by giving me enough space to breathe and gradually start building up the strength to face things.

Peter Levine is also good on this.

Lizzie48 · 25/08/2018 00:08

I can't believe so many posters question whether it was consensual, just because it's a man who has suffered this. Disgusting. Men struggle to report such assaults and it's hardly surprising.

Speaking as a female survivor of childhood SA, I have found EMDR helpful for my PTSD symptoms. I do suspect this is what your DH is suffering from.

You need RL support as well, though. I think my DH should access some, as it hasn't been easy for him to live with, either.

Shambu · 25/08/2018 00:36

I can't believe so many posters question whether it was consensual, just because it's a man who has suffered this.

I think it's more the circumstances that made pps question it, that he contracted an STI on a stag do and didn't confess until he thought he had passed it to the OP. It shuts down any questions about his conduct.

However, I believe him, and I think his subsequent illness may be related to the trauma. I assume HIV has been ruled out OP?

SteamingPistons · 25/08/2018 05:36

He sounds like he is really depressed. I think you do need to stick by him as you've taken vows in sickness and in health. He's still the man you married deep down but is clearly traumatised by what has happened. He really needs counselling.. I think you need a heart to heart with him that he needs to move forward and get help as it's affecting your marriage but let him
Know you are there for him and still love him

Wallywobbles · 25/08/2018 05:47

So what do you think the options are for the future? Presumably you are getting close to leaving the marriage. Is your DH aware of this really?

Could you live apart for a time as clearly this is not a great situation for you and kids to live in.

Could you work towards eliminating all the other stress points? Eg rénovations

Do you think ultimatums would serve any purpose?

Financially what are the consequences of splitting?

Thatsfuckingshit · 25/08/2018 06:25

Really? If a woman was raped and didn't tell her dh, but told him later, it would be ok to question her conduct?

Rebecca36 · 25/08/2018 06:31

This is so terribly sad Countrysidegirl.

You are tearing eachother apart at the moment and it would help you both to have time apart. A bit of space can work wonders. You can still see eachother and give support.

What happened to your husband was terrible and I'm not surprised he is so ill but you can't be expected to carry it all uncomplainingly. Also not fair on the children.

I really hope you can get away from the situation on your own - it's not always easy practically and financially but if you can you will be able to have a relatively normal life with your kids and some peace.

I also hope your husband recovers his health and is somehow able to accommodate the awful thing that he endured.

MondieBee · 25/08/2018 06:48

Sorry to be so blunt but has HIV been ruled out OP? If he got tested as soon as he got back it might not have had time to show up on tests - pretty sure tests now need to be 4 weeks after event then a second test 3 months later. If he hasn't told current doctors what's happened they might not double check?

Feel for you both. I understand why you feel the way you do but did kind of feel your post focused on him treating you badly when dc2 was born (with the rape almost a passing comment), when surely in hindsight now if you know the rape happened when you were 7 months pregnant it makes total sense that he'd be not himself and behaving oddly as baby arrived. I understand feeling shit at the time but you're still holding onto his behaviour like he's been a dick for no reason. He was raped. Terrible for anyone but I think men face extra or at least different challenges to deal with as a result.

For what it's worth I don't get the problem with people asking if it was definitely the truth. People lie about terrible stuff all the time. To pretend otherwise is silly.

donquixotedelamancha · 25/08/2018 06:57

Would you day that to a woman who said she was raped?

This.

Mary1935 · 25/08/2018 06:58

Hi Countryside girl - I’m sorry you are both going through this. How terrible. He does need to get help - it’s now getting to the point where it’s seriously affecting your marriage. You have your children to protect. If he doesn’t seek help then how will it improve.
Yes EMDT can help. Maybe he’s depressed so ask him to go to his GP.
I have googled this and excuse my ignorance and any offence caused but how can he pass on an STI as he was raped and he didn’t penetrate any one with his penis. I thought STIs are all from penetration. Again no offence meant.
I completely understand re HIV - have you both been tested.
My Ex husband was raped at 21 just as he left university. He’s 44 now and has not had therapy for it. He’s put it in a box. Your husband is not coping clearly and it’s sleeping out.
I hope he can seek help - you should seek your own therapy to look after your needs.🌺

TacoFriday · 25/08/2018 07:06

I think you need to convince him to share this with one professional - no one needs to know. You can find a professional association of psychologists and do a search near his work. Ring around and find who has availability before and after his work hours and during lunch (it might help him to compartmentalise so he can focus on work after his appointments and let things sink in).

Give him the list and discuss. Emphasise this is a professional, bound by confidentiality, he doesn’t need to discuss anything in his sessions with anyone else, including you. It’s for his mental health.

He might want to look up the profiles of the people available or he might want you to chose someone. If he leaves it to you, I’d go for the first appointment myself to “suss out” whether you think your DH would be comfortable talking with this psychologist or they wouldn’t “click.”

I think sometimes, the first step with the biggest hurdle and if you could just walk into a room and start talking to someone you could be comfortable around and know it never leaves that room.... it would be a lot less daunting than getting referrals etc and feeling like you’re telling 20 different people why in the process

Original poster

CountrysideGirl · 25/08/2018 07:10

Thank you for all the posts.

He was tested for HIV as was I at the time. He won't tell any medical professionals now about what happened or seek help of any kind. I did say they are stumbling in the dark if they don't have all the picture, especially as he contracted anul herpes during the attack. It flares up when he's stressed or tired (which at the moment is quite often). Another constant reminder of what happened.

I didn't mean it to be a passing comment. It's hard to explain everything that's going on and maybe I've begun to overlook the affect it has had as it was 3 years ago and he is adamant it's had zero effect on him.

OP posts:

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