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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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So much has happened to my DH he's not the person I married. Do I stay or go?

101 replies

CountrysideGirl · 24/08/2018 22:38

This is going to be long so please stick with me as I'm struggling and need some advice.

I've been with DH for 10 years, married for 6 years and have 2 DC. We were very close and got together in tricky circumstances as he was friends with my then OH and watched him emotionally abuse me. He gave up a lot for me and we were rock solid in the beginning. Things started to change between us when I was pregnant with DC2. He was intolerant of my tiredness, snappy with DC1, distant and unkind. I put it down to work stress, having a child who didn't sleep and was a busy toddler. I had a very difficult birth and start with DC1 so i was euphoric and proud to deliver my DC2 naturally and without complication. However he couldn't show me any kindness and got agitated when the baby cried or I needed help. A few months later after DC2 was quite unwell and we ended up in hospital I was diagnosed with PND. I sought lots of help and worked hard to get better, including medication. DH was quite dismissive and couldn't get his head around it. A little while after this he seemingly threw himself into work and we drifted along. One evening i said to him that i was worried i had an infection/thrush when he went very quiet. I accused him of an affair which would fit with his behaviour but he told me he'd been raped by 2 men whilst on a stag do 8 months before. Obviously this was a massive shock but I promised to work through it with him.

That was 3 years ago. Since then we bought a house which needs renovating, I've changed careers and in the past 18 months DH started to get unwell and under is now undee consultant care and ongoing treatment/investigations with no straightforward answers. He's lost a lot of weight (3 stone), is exhausted, moody, unkind to me and short tempered with the children. I'm trying so hard to be there for him but I'm struggling. We can't have a conversation about anything remotely sensitive without it becoming an argument. I don't feel like we're facing anything as a team and we have different views on how to move forward. I feel detached from him and our marriage. I don't know how to move forward. I really want my old DH back but feel like too much has happened.

OP posts:
CountrysideGirl · 25/08/2018 07:13

Taco that's a good idea but I know his reaction will be pure anger and he will flame me for it. I will however do some research and see where I get to.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 25/08/2018 07:31

An experience like that can destroy you if you don't deal with it. It sounds like that's what's happening to your DH. He's been through a truly horrific experience and has an incurable and embarrassing disease as a result - I'd imagine he has enormous amounts of crushing shame and disgust weighing down on him.

Today, can you touch him in some way (whatever he's comfortable with) and just say 'what happened wasn't in any way your fault'?

Hopoindown31 · 25/08/2018 07:40

Some pretty unsympathetic responses on here. A gender reverse would likely have seen the OP getting flamed for considering leaving.

He is really struggling with the major trauma of being raped. I'm not sure issuing ultimatums about you leaving him will result in him suddenly coming to and seeking the help he needs. You need to approach this with much more kindness to get the results you want if they are possible.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 25/08/2018 07:40

This reply has been deleted

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KeiTeNgeNge · 25/08/2018 07:42

The poor man

Hopoindown31 · 25/08/2018 07:46

@annaanonimouse

Allow me to choose to treat your last statement with scepticism. But if so, then I hope that no-one has to rely on you in dealing with life-changing trauma.

One thing I do know is that the OP accusing her DH of lying about consensual gay sex is not going to help.

Redteapot67 · 25/08/2018 07:47

He sounds utterly depressed and unwell. He needs your absolute love and support.
It’s really hard when people won’t help themselves.
Why not suggest counselling as a couple and hope he in time opens to the counsellor.

Redteapot67 · 25/08/2018 07:48

Annie. There’s no way you’d tell the oh of a woman who had been raped to leave her.
It’s only been three years. Traumas take years to process - give him more time.

longtimelurkingtrans · 25/08/2018 07:52

non disclosure of rape & STI...I’m not sure I’d believe it was rape.
This exactly this.Thanks Annie this just reaffirms my belief that there is no help or belief that we couldn't fight him off and stop the rape, if you do seek help like I did then you'e just dismissed out of hand. Perhaps things are different now but I doubt it.
OP, he will be changed he will have little flash backs that will trigger deep burning internal rage, the feelings of inadequacy of not fighting them off and winning and feeling less of a man ie more burning rage and shame, guilt for raging and pushing those away he loves, will lead to more self rage and in turn make him unapproachable.
Sorry it's not much help

CountrysideGirl · 25/08/2018 07:58

Unapproachable/putting up a blocker is definitely what is happening. I think he's lost trust in me too. After reading some of your messages last night i went into the spare room to give him a hug and he told me to get out and that he'd had enough. I'm in bed now and he's up with the Kids but I'm dreading going downstairs...

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/08/2018 08:00

I remember your previous posts.

What happened to your H is terrible.

Three years on, having not treated you at all well for much of that time, he is still unable to seek help for his mental health, and is seeking to “bury” and deny the issues.

You would not be at all unreasonable, while loving and having compassion for him, to end the relationship because of the negative impact his behaviour has had on you (and DC1), and the associated relationship difficulties. It sounds like that’s what you want to do?

QuoadUltra · 25/08/2018 08:06

OP, have faith in your choice of him. This horrendous event has had a huge impact on your family’s health and happiness. It is inevitable.

It sounds as though you both really love each other but are at the end of your own coping strategies and now need to get professional help. Proper organised trauma support for him, and marriage guidance for you both.

It will be worth it, you will come out of the other side. Hang in there. Get help.

To other posters: Fuck Off Rape Disbelievers.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/08/2018 08:13

Op

We all have our issues and baggage but I’m a firm believer that when those issues start impacting upon our nearest and dearest we have a duty to sort them out.

He isn’t doing that.

He has been given much sympathy on this thread and whilst that is ok you really aren’t his emotional punchbag.

I wouldn’t stay. Going From your posts he has has no intention of changing.

I’d also like to highlight that most blokes are nice for the first two years or so. Then once kids arrive they seem to show their true colours.

In your shoes I’d at least be telling him you need a break to assess where your head is at

Loopytiles · 25/08/2018 08:16

Unfortunately we just can’t know whether staying “will be worth it”. OP has already endured 3 years of her H treating her unkindly, and there are no signs the situation is likely to improve anytime soon. Her H is under investigation for physical illness but still unwilling to seek help for his trauma or mental health.

Ending the relationship would be totally understandable, and may well be best for OP.

ArnoldBee · 25/08/2018 08:17

What happened to him was terrible and I can understand why his behaviour is like it is.
It sounds like you blame him at the time for triggering your PND which you now know was due to the aftermath of the rape. However you didn't know this at the time and you may need to work through your feelings about this.
Your marriage vows did say in sickness and in health however there comes a point when only you can decide if you can continue with the relationship. I want to say give your husband all the support he needs to work through this and it's only been 3 years. As can be seen from some of the posts on here the stigma around male rape is huge. I am rather appalled by some comments which if that's a small snippet from strangers that no wonder your husband is having difficulty addressing this.

You will have to make your own decision if this is a situation you can work through or if simply too much damage has been caused which cannot be repaired. And sometimes that's a tough decision that has to be made for you both to heal.

Musicaltheatremum · 25/08/2018 08:27

Did he have follow up tests for the HIV and other blood borne viruses? You say he was tested at the time but did he have repeat bloods 3 months later which is advised as it takes that long for seroconversion to happen.

CountrysideGirl · 25/08/2018 08:35

I don't know if he followed up with the HIV testing. I don't know how i can ask to be honest.

I do want to work it out with him for the sake of him, my children and what I believed would be an amazing marriage. But I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I will try and get him to go to some couples counselling. I'm researching psychologists who specialise in trauma in the hope we can see one together but it's difficult explaining why i want to go that route without disclosing the rape to them. I fear a conventional relationship counsellor won't be enough.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 25/08/2018 08:40

I remember your previous posts.

You poor things, both of you. Flowers

He needs help, you can’t carry this. Could you write it down and ask him to get help for everyone’s sakes. I’d put a time limit on it personally...

QuoadUltra · 25/08/2018 08:41

OP, so much has happened but you both still have the opportunity to make a lovely family life for yourselves and your children. Unfortunately, you are living in the fallout of a horrific event which has had a huge and lasting impact.

I appreciate that communication has broken down and getting that fixed is a priority. You need to be able to hug him.

He must get help. Do you know if he been to the GP to discuss all of this from a mental health point of view?

Loopytiles · 25/08/2018 08:51

If he won’t dislose what happened or seek individual help then couple’s counselling seems unlikely to help.

MajesticWhine · 25/08/2018 08:58

He could try EMDR. That is possibly least distressing form of treatment. Also PTSD is treatable within IAPT (if you are in England) with trauma focussed CBT. Usually can self refer. Agree with loopy - couples counselling is not the way. He needs individual therapy. By he has to want it. I think you need to tell him you can't go on like this. That's not an ultimatum - it's the truth.

BakedBeans47 · 25/08/2018 08:58

Omg that’s awful. I don’t know what you should do, he’s clearly very damaged but he won’t be able to be fixed without professional help. If he won’t seek this out it’s going to make life very difficult and you have to think of your own well being and that of your babies.

I am also pretty appalled at the comments implying he had consensual sex. People would have their arse handed to them on a plate and rightfully so if they’d said this about a female rape victim.

TheConquestOfHappiness · 25/08/2018 09:03

The thing Survivors UK helped me do again and again for my partner was not to try to make him talk about it. Not to look for a solution or a quick fix.

They said it was absolutely paramount to respect what he wanted. Even if want he wanted seemed like the worst thing in the world for the situation.

Looking back, I understand this in a new way. Someone who is raped has therir wishes totally disregarded. Their bodily autonomy is over ridden. Their personhood is disrespected. They are told that their right to bodily integrity and decision making is less important than want another person or person wants. Rape is about power, not sex.

So trying to force it blacjmail or even cajole a rape victim into doing something they don’t want to do, even if it’s “for their own good” is one of the worst things you can do in terms of their recovery. It just perpetuates feelings of powerlessness and disrespect.

They were very clear with me not to broach it with him. Not to try even to drop hints. I once asked if I should do something like leave a magazine lying around with the page open at heir details (I originally found out about them from an article in a magazine). They were absolutely clear that that would be a really bad idea.

It’s a painful thing to grasp, but there is no way to go through this situation without it being awful. It is painful. It is lengthy. It changes soneone’s outlook on life permanently. As soon as you stop struggling with that though it gets easier.

If you don’t mind my saying, going through to hug him with the situation on your mind might have come across as pity to him. Men are socialised differently. What was meant as sympathy or empathy, might have reminded him how powerless he was at the time of the attack. How people who know view him as less of a man. How they don’t believe in him any more. How his decisions aren’t his own. That’s obviously not how you meant it, but it is relatively easy to see how someone struggling with the aftermath of being raped could see it as a slight on his ability or on his manhood.

I wish society didn’t socialise men into that. But it does. Some of the replies on this thread show that men who are raped are often correct in thinking they shouldn’t disclose what has happened to them. That they wouldn’t be believed or that their manhood/personhood will be questioned. Those replies are frankly sickening.

There is a huge amount of stigma around male rape. There is also a huge amount of stigma around female rape. As I get older I truly think that male rape is much more widespread than we think. And I also believe that the people who commit sexual offences bank on both male and female shame and silence. To get away with the hideous acts they commit. Believing and supporting men who are sexually violated is one of the things we can do which will make it more difficult to sexually abuse anyone, man, woman or child. It’s not man vs woman. It’s everyone vs the rapists.

But that doesn't mean forcing people to talk about being raped. It does mean changing the culture round male rape so the survivors don’t feel they will be judged or demeaned.

TheConquestOfHappiness · 25/08/2018 09:08

He might not want to do EMDR because that involves forcing yourself to remember the incident. He might not be ready for that. He might never be ready for that.

Forcibly remembering is traumatic for some people. It can lead to suicidal thoughts and suicide.

It’s different if he gets to a stage where he feels safe remembering. But there’s no fast track to that.

That doesn’t mean healing isn’t taking place under the surface though.

Mrsramsayscat · 25/08/2018 09:18

I think an awful thing has happened to him and you can't make him face or discuss or address it if he doesn't want to.

That said, you deserve happiness too. And so do your children. I don't think you should feel obligated to stay with someone who has faced a crisis but won't deal with it after 3 years, and who is dragging you down and ruining your own mental health. Getting out is an option.
Good luck .