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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can this ever work?

118 replies

Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 18:23

Hi

I need some advice as I can’t speak to my family or even friends about this.

I’m newly married to a drug addict (cocaine). I knew about this shortly before marrying him and he promised me he was a changed man. We worked out a way to pay off his debts (bank loan) and decided the past was the past and we could put it behind him. He promised to get help for the drugs. However I’ve since discovered that he has actually relapsed and taken some coke. While stressing about this I checked his phone (I know I was wrong to do this) and found some sexts to a female friend of his (before wedding but it was while he was with me). He (and her) have both denied it’s gone any further than the messages and I do believe this. In addition to this it’s also come out that he has been borrowing money off a friend and owes a large amount (he lied to them about what he needed it for). My head is telling me to run for the hills and this is never going to work, my heart is telling me I have to try and help him. What would you do?

OP posts:
BertrandRusselI · 22/08/2018 18:25

Run now. Sorry.

TokyoSushi · 22/08/2018 18:25

My head would also tell you to run for the hills, oh OP, what a rubbish situation.

How long have you been married?

overmydeadbody · 22/08/2018 18:25

Why on earth do you have to help him?

Just run, it's never going to work out happily.

TwitterQueen1 · 22/08/2018 18:25

Run for the hills OP. Very quickly and RIGHT NOW. You can't change someone. RUN NOW.

cholka · 22/08/2018 18:27

Leave him. He's betrayed your trust in several different ways and you're only just married. He's got no intention of trying to make it work - marriages take staying power and he's fallen at the first hurdle.

If you don't leave him, he'll take drugs, make crap financial decisions and fuck around for the next few years while you try to save him. This will screw you up emotionally and financially. Just cut out the middleman and leave now.

PrincessConsuelaBannanaHammock · 22/08/2018 18:27

So sorry your in this situation OP. I think I would run for the hills too Sad
I know a couple like this who have been married for 10 years with 2 kids & it's so much harder for her to leave now, and it's a constant cycle of promises and relapses. I hope your dh gets the help he needs

Thisisnotwhatiwant · 22/08/2018 18:28

My heart would want to try and help/fix the situation. Age and experience says the only person who can help fix it is him, he has to want to. Step away and let him deal with his own issues.

Couchpotato3 · 22/08/2018 18:28

See a solicitor and get yourself out of this situation pronto. It's a disaster on every level. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant by him.

Drugs, sexting another woman, debts. Any one of those could be a deal breaker in itself, but all three, jeez, it's a no-brainer.

Singlenotsingle · 22/08/2018 18:29

He's back on the coke isn't he? It's an addiction and will cost an absolute fortune. It doesn't matter how much he earns, it will go straight up his nose. Get out now.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 18:31

I know, you’re all right. Just gutted. We’ve only been married a few weeks.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 22/08/2018 18:34

Maybe you can get it annulled since he lied to you.

Singlenotsingle · 22/08/2018 18:53

You can't get an annulment unless the marriage hasn't been consummated

Joysmum · 22/08/2018 18:58

He’ll promise you the moon on a stick to try to keep you. You enable his lifestyle.

Being an addict doesn’t make people look outside a marriage for sexual titivation. You can’t fix that and he’s taken you for a mug.

Sorry to be so harsh in my wording but it’s better to get your life and dignity back sooner rather than wasting years of your life and being dragged down by him. Flowers

Joysmum · 22/08/2018 18:59

...oh and you absolutely should talk to your family and friends about this xx

AdaColeman · 22/08/2018 19:05

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Don't look back.

I think you have to have been married for a year before you can file for divorce unfortunately.

Don't get involved in any more debt on his behalf, it will quickly spiral out of control.

twilightsaga · 22/08/2018 19:06

I'm sorry this has happened. Not exactly the honey moon period you hope for as newly weds. Do not take out anymore loans to cover his debt. It's enabling him to do it all the more. I have some experience with this type of situation and he has got a long way to go to change and if he's lying to you and friends then it's unlikely he's reached that point where he wants to actually change. It's a tough decision you have but his actions are speaking much louder than his lousy promises at the moment.

C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2018 19:07

Speak to a solicitor about an annulment. He lied and had no intention of telling the truth about his addiction.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.

3luckystars · 22/08/2018 19:08

I’m really sorry, you must be so upset. The trust is gone now isn’t it.

I hope you will be ok x

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 19:09

I guess I can’t talk to them as I know they’ll think I’m mad. Ok so confused, it is tearing me apart. I met him on a dating site after being alone for ages. He made me feel alive again and i do truly love him. The good times are good, very good. I just worry that the bad times will start to take over the good and I hope and pray my DD will not suffer too. He wants me to help him pay off his other debt. I have agreed to this but not actually done it. If I throw him out I don’t know if he can survive. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened. He points out I knew he was an addict when I married him, I promised I’d help him no matter what. He’s right I did. The sex messages were prior to us getting married, he’s not done that since.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2018 19:10

You don’t need to wait at all for an annulment. Government site annulment papers:

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage/apply-for-an-annulment

C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2018 19:13

You knew he was an addict in recovery. Not an actively using addict who sends sexts to other women.

How dare he blame the current situation on you. He is taking the absolute piss with his attitude. It is NOT YOU JOB TO FIX HIM. He has to do it himself, and the chances are slim since his response was well you knew this and not what he is doing to stop this.

Couchpotato3 · 22/08/2018 19:16

You're worried the bad times will start to take over the good......they already have. Of course your DD will suffer too - how could she not? Of course he will survive without you and no-one would blame you for kicking him out. How do you know he hasn't done any more sexting since and won't again?

He needs to decide to change, you can't do it for him.

Likewise, you need to swallow your pride and enlist the help of family and friends to get you out of this horrible situation. Better now that in a year or 5 years time.

Stop making excuses for him and believing his crap - you are being manipulated.

AdaColeman · 22/08/2018 19:18

He's playing all the emotional blackmail cards in order to keep you tied to him, he knows life will be easier for him with your money.

He is an addict, look up the three Cs for those involved with addicts.
Don't be responsible for him, don't enable him.

3luckystars · 22/08/2018 19:33

You shouldn’t have to pay someone to stay with you, especially if they are a liar.

He is not the man you thought he was. What would you advise your daughter to do if this was her?
YOU are someone’s daughter. Please look after yourself and get some counseling if you can.

I wish you all the best x

twilightsaga · 22/08/2018 19:37

It will impact on your child though OP. And on you. Massively. He's an adult he's not your responsibility. He's asking you to pay for his debt again so he can run up another debt. You sound like you're going to stay with him regardless but you'll look back at this and wish you'd left. You're wasting your time