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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can this ever work?

118 replies

Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 18:23

Hi

I need some advice as I can’t speak to my family or even friends about this.

I’m newly married to a drug addict (cocaine). I knew about this shortly before marrying him and he promised me he was a changed man. We worked out a way to pay off his debts (bank loan) and decided the past was the past and we could put it behind him. He promised to get help for the drugs. However I’ve since discovered that he has actually relapsed and taken some coke. While stressing about this I checked his phone (I know I was wrong to do this) and found some sexts to a female friend of his (before wedding but it was while he was with me). He (and her) have both denied it’s gone any further than the messages and I do believe this. In addition to this it’s also come out that he has been borrowing money off a friend and owes a large amount (he lied to them about what he needed it for). My head is telling me to run for the hills and this is never going to work, my heart is telling me I have to try and help him. What would you do?

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 19:48

WTAF?! You have a child here! Your first obligation is to her, not this coke-snorting, lying, cheating fuck. Catch yourself on here. Any money you have should be going on your kid, not some guy. He is an adult, if something happens to him, it's his fault. Get this man out of your child's life and do the Freedom Programme before you even think of dating again.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 19:53

To be clear he’s never so much as raised his voice to DD. He is having counselling for the cocaine. Is it possible that he can get clean? What if he does and I’m left with nothing? Judging from all your replies I’m not sure if I’ve made it out to be worse than it actually is. It’s hard to describe, he holds down a good job, has a large circle of friends (in fact he’s extremely popular). If he goes and leaves me with the debt on my own then I will struggle.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 20:00

FFS! Give your head a wobble. It doesn't matter that he's never shouted at her, you have brought a cokehead financial liability into your child's life!

If he goes and leaves me with the debt on my own then I will struggle.

If his name is on the loan he is responsible for the debt, too. You are not responsible for debt he had prior to your marriage.

C'mon, no one is this naive as to want to hang onto a man like this.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:02

THe debt is in my name only. His credit score wasn’t enough to get a loan (it was to pay off pay day loans and drug money). Will he have a claim on my house now we are married? He lived here a number of months before we got married.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2018 20:03

Is the loan in your name?

Also, if you think he would do that if you split then he clearly isnt a good person anyway.

Lots of
Nobheads are popular.

twilightsaga · 22/08/2018 20:03

You're minimising it OP. He's having counselling but I bet you he's still sniffing. Order some tests from eBay. You can get them for 2 quid. See for yourself that he's lying to you. He had a serious problem and needs rehab or referral to a proper drug service

C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2018 20:04

See a solicitor op. Seriously. Annulment might be your best move here.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:05

I had a look at the annulment information posted. I don’t think I can as we did have sex during the first week of marriage. It’s only when I found the sexts we stopped.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 20:05

He saw you coming. You own the debt now. And he has no obligation to pay a share of it even if you stay married to him. That was a very bad financial move on your part but it's done now. He probably won't have a claim on your house, though. You need a solicitor. This person won't get clean. He was happily using until you caught him.

Missingstreetlife · 22/08/2018 20:06

He needs to go to narcotics anon pronto. You should also get support. Cocaine is a horrible drug to be addicted to, it changes people totally.
If he doesn't stop immediately and get long term help you should leave, and go at the first sniff of relapse. May be easier to just cut and run
Sorry op, no future if he keeps using

crappyday2018 · 22/08/2018 20:08

God I feel for you here. I posted recently when I found out my partner was an alcoholic. We had only been together 8 months though so not quite as bad as your situation.
However it was gutting to have to end it with someone I loved. I knew it was the right thing to do. He was in denial about his addiction and hiding his drinking.
Even if you DH has admitted his problem, you will always be wondering if he's sneaking around behind your back and lying to you. Its so tempting to try to help him but he has to help himself.
My heart goes out to you.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:10

We’ve actually only been together a year too. I did love him almost immediately, it feels longer. Deep down I know I’ve been conned. Marriage only came up when we decided I’d pay off the debts. He saw me coming I know Sad

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2018 20:10

You can’t have read the information as not having sex is not the only reason for an annulment. This isnt a 1950s film.

He kept information about the true nature of his addiction from you before marriage. You did not go into the marriage with all the information as he intentionally kept you in the dark. That is a reason.

The loan being in your name though well...???

You NEED a soicitor.

Imagine the situation in two years time. Still married, more drug debts, living with a using addict, having YOUR DAUGHTER live with a using addict.

Seriously in the morning phone and make an appointment with your solicitor.

C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2018 20:11

I cannot believe you knowingly married a drug addict within a year of meeting them. Your poor daughter.

Rosetintedglass · 22/08/2018 20:11

Speak to a solicitor or a gov/charity debt advice helpline to find out where you stand financially if you leave him.
You have married someone who is dragging you down not holding you up.
Is this the example you want your daughter to follow? If not leave him show her that you dont have to settle for less just for the sake of saying you arent alone.

AdaColeman · 22/08/2018 20:12

How long have you known him Vodka, was he using when you first met?

Tallula386 · 22/08/2018 20:13

Get out, now.

All the things you're worried about will seem a small price to pay one day.

Your family and friends should support you.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:15

I’ve known him a year. He was using when we met however I didn’t find out until 10 months in. By this point I was head over heels in love and he promised he’d change. I believed him. I thought showing him how much I love him and support him would make him change. After the wedding I found out he’d taken more (he says only the once) it is then I came across the messages from earlier in the year. He’s promised to get proper help.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 22/08/2018 20:18

If you get out now, no judge would allocate him a share in your house. Leave it too late and yes he'll be able to claim. Do you think he'll worry about making your dd homeless and leaving you in massive debt if it's a choice between that and drugs?

If you stay you will be left with even more debts, and possibly lose your home.

Where do you think all his money from this good job is going? Counselling? Nope. Its going on drugs. The money he's borrowing? Counselling? Nope. It's going on drugs. You bail him out again and he'll get you into more debt. Again and again. And Then one day the dealers are going to end up on your doorstep demanding money. As are the debt collectors and the eviction guys. Is this the life you want for your daughter? Anxious broke mother, step dad off his face or wound up waiting for his next hit. No money cos it's all going up his nose?

If he is serious about getting clean, he'll move out and sort himself out. You can support him without endangering you and your daughter's future. Love DOES NOT conquer all!

He survived before you came along to be his mug, he'll survive after you spilt up. But will you? Whose future are you more concerned about: his or your daughter's?

twilightsaga · 22/08/2018 20:18

You've known him for a YEAR????!!! I'm sorry this will sound harsh but I think you were desperate and have settled for this shit

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:23

I know it seems ridiculous. Reading my own posts makes me cringe. I’m an intelligent woman and I sound so thick and gullible. I promise you in no other aspects of my life am I like this. He’s gotten under my skin though, nobody has ever made me feel like he does before.

OP posts:
Hantswife · 22/08/2018 20:28

Hello, I am you...just a bit further down the line.
I found out my husband was a cocaine addict just before our baby was born. I also sorted out a loan for him to repay all his debts and dealers. Thankfully in his name, not mine. He has continued to use drugs and lie about going to meetings and his whereabouts etc. I felt like a complete fool for not realising sooner. I eventuality asked him to leave when our child was six weeks old as I felt he was a danger to our newborn. I can honestly say that although life is hard at times it is so much better without him in it. It broke my heart to break up my new family but I know in my heart he had already broken it. I am seeing a solicitor next week to process a divorce to protect MY house for my child and I. Please know that an addict will lie...lie .... and lie again. I thought asking my husband to leave would be the rock bottom he would hit in order to make the change he needs too. It was not. He has lost his family, his home, his job and is in debt to the tune of £25k. Please get out whilst you can. I read on mumsnet once that we make the choice to be in that situation but our child does not. Believe in yourself and believe that you are worth more than this life with him. Big love to you xx

SendintheArdwolves · 22/08/2018 20:29

He has targeted you - I expect he lovebombed you in the start, made you feel like the only woman in the world, escalated the speed of your relationship, charmed your daughter, and appeared like the answer to your prayers.

Now he's dumped all this on you - cheating, debt, lies, drug addiction - and is somehow making you feel that this is now something BOTH of you are responsible for fixing . You feel bound to him, and like you have to somehow find a way to fix him.

This is HIS problem. He will drain you dry - of money, care, love, hope - and when he realises you haven't got anything left to give, he will move on.

Don't believe the "nice" him - it was an act to hook you in.

AdaColeman · 22/08/2018 20:38

Vodka You need to see a solicitor very soon, to protect your house for you and your daughter, whatever you do, don't let him use your house as security for a loan.

You should talk to someone you trust in your family, you need some real life support.

I think you will learn the hard way, that no amount of love can cure an addict, and you will never change them by kindness.

HandbagCrazy · 22/08/2018 20:40

This is one of those times where you need to put your emotions aside. Be practical, you have a daughter to think about here.

The facts are that you barely know this man. He is a drug addict and because of him you now have debt.

You need to be practical. Can you afford the debt on your own? How much is it? If you can't afford it, call the company you owe the money too now and discuss it with them. By being proactive they are likely to negotiate with you and arrange a manageable payment plan. I think you need to work on the assumption he won't be paying the money back but if he does, consider it a bonus.

Get him out of your house. My guess is he'll beg for a short amount of time before showing his true colours and start being horrible to you.

See a solicitor to check he cannot claim for anything and make your separation official ASAP.

Oh, and in case you are feeling a little guilty - you promised to support a drug addict who was in recovery, who you thought was a faithful husband, someone you thought you were in a team with. He is none of those things.

He on the other hand, lied, cheated, let you take on his debt and has tried to emotionally blackmail you into staying with him.

Tell whoever you want. Surround yourself with support