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Original poster

Can this ever work?

118 replies

Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 18:23

Hi

I need some advice as I can’t speak to my family or even friends about this.

I’m newly married to a drug addict (cocaine). I knew about this shortly before marrying him and he promised me he was a changed man. We worked out a way to pay off his debts (bank loan) and decided the past was the past and we could put it behind him. He promised to get help for the drugs. However I’ve since discovered that he has actually relapsed and taken some coke. While stressing about this I checked his phone (I know I was wrong to do this) and found some sexts to a female friend of his (before wedding but it was while he was with me). He (and her) have both denied it’s gone any further than the messages and I do believe this. In addition to this it’s also come out that he has been borrowing money off a friend and owes a large amount (he lied to them about what he needed it for). My head is telling me to run for the hills and this is never going to work, my heart is telling me I have to try and help him. What would you do?

OP posts:
hiddeneverything · 22/08/2018 21:42

WHY did you marry him???? Please get out. I work with drug addicts every day and they try, and they THINK they are clean but it's so easy to relapse. It's the lies, debt and cheating that goes with it that will break you, while he's still out getting high at your expense. Leave and don't look back.

People will have more respect for you if you leave and tell them why than stay and be broken by him because he's good looking. A few more years on the coke and he won't be.

MrsSteptoe · 22/08/2018 21:46

See a solicitor and Al-anon (or the narc version) before you let him know you have rumbled him.

FWIW, the Narcotics Anonymous version of Al-Anon is Nar-Anon ( www.nar-anon.org/what-is-nar-anon ).

(Don't go near Narconon by mistake. They are Scientologists.)

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 22:15

I married him because I loved him (still do). Leaving him will be hard, I know it’s what I have to do but it is going to tear me apart.

OP posts:
hiddeneverything · 22/08/2018 22:20

Yes you do HAVE to leave, and it will tear you apart, but he and his addiction will tear you apart even more if you stay. Hope you find happiness xxx

LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 22:25

I guess the fear is they find out what he’s done so we planned to pay it off.

No, he planned for you to pay it off. He will spending what he earns on coke, just as he has always done.

I was concerned that what he’s done counts as fraud and he’d end up in trouble with the law.

You need to be more concerned with that trouble you could get in with a man who might well be using class A drugs in your home and has put you into serious financial trouble.

Singlenotsingle · 22/08/2018 22:28

He wants you to help pay off his debt? How dare he? The debt won't ever go down because he'll keep adding to it. Don't go round with MUG on your forehead. Please.

Sickoffamilydrama · 22/08/2018 23:25

Sorry for your situation OP but the person you love doesn't exist.

He's proven a to be a liar repeatedly, he's so good at it you didn't recognise he was an addict for 10 months.

If he's been around a family with issues then he's probably been like this his whole life.

When I was younger I dated a high functioning druggy he could be very nice, treated me like a princess but also burgled people's homes, stole cars and broke someone's arm. It was like he was two different people luckily I recognised it and finished the relationship.
As for the sexting stop dismissing it as pre-marriage as of that makes it better.

I know enough about parenting to realise being a single parent is lonely and demoralising, you can sit alone for many nights but that's just the nature of parenting. Instead of seeing that as a failure on your part use it to your advantage, study/do a hobby that will help with your confidence as well so you aren't pulled in by the next druggie charmer that comes along.

Hope this is the start of a newer stronger you Flowers

dragonflyflew · 22/08/2018 23:32

I wasted years on various addicts including my own dad. I promise it will drive you mad and will affect your daughter if you stay with him or try to support him.
Addiction is huge and no amount of love can beat it.
Only he can. In my experience all addicts are liars. Cokeheads are particularly good at it because their highs can be very hard hard to spot, unlike heroin and alcohol which are much easier to see.

MysteriousQuinn · 22/08/2018 23:36

Please leave. If you stay then there is a long road of misery and pain ahead. Flowers

backstreetboysareback · 23/08/2018 01:14

Ltb
Run
It will spiral

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 23/08/2018 08:09

I’m going to get help today. Last night was fine, his normal cheery self. I spent most of the night awake (as I have done for the last couple of weeks) while he lay there snoring without a care in the world x

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/08/2018 08:21

Glad to hear it. You’re his meal ticket at the expense of you and your daughter, it’s no wonder you’re not sleeping and he is. Flowers

hiddeneverything · 23/08/2018 19:49

How are you OP? Have you left? X

inshockrightnow · 23/08/2018 19:53

He's old enough to help himself. He should have told you sooner. Sorry, I'd leave him.

crappyday2018 · 23/08/2018 20:17

I hope you find the strength to leave him OP. You know its the right thing to do but it doesn't make it easy.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 24/08/2018 06:19

I’ve not gone yet but have an appointment to see a solicitor next Wednesday.
Last night he actually broached the subject of getting him some help for his addiction. It feels like a break through, he’s always said in the past that he thought it was down tonothet things that have happened in his past. Any counselling he’s received has been to address those issues rather than the drugs. This seems to be the first acceptance that he needs professional help for the coke.

OP posts:
Rosetintedglass · 24/08/2018 07:15

Vodkamademedoit I dont think any of the comments on your post suggest that he doesnt need help, thats a given, what isnt a given is that its your job to help him.

Especially as you started a relationship with him based on a version that was not so far gone that he needed help or would drag you down to the point where you would also.

You marry someone to be your partner not to be a project that needs fixing especially when you have a child to raise who is likely to watch your mistakes and develop negetively in response to them.

RabbitsAreTasty · 24/08/2018 07:31

Ah the magical "breakthrough" that reignites your hope that this time it will be different and he needs me to help him through this

How many timea have you been through this before. Obviously this time is different Hmm. But how many times where you felt hopeful like this?

hiddeneverything · 24/08/2018 07:53

Don't fall for it. Leave.

Joysmum · 24/08/2018 08:32

Great. In the meantime for god sake seperate so he’s not affecting any further financially and once he’s proved himself then you can start dating again.

He’s doing as expected and reading the situation so he do just enough sweet talking s fake promises to keep you hooked so you can keep enabling him and being his meal ticket.

ShatnersWig · 24/08/2018 08:36

Being very blunt here, OP

DON'T BE A FUCKING MUG TWICE!

You met and married someone within a year of meeting them, you knew they were a cokehead, you took on his debt...

You were bloody foolish (being polite). Don't compound your foolishness and become a total fucking moron by listening to this sort of shit: "Last night he actually broached the subject of getting him some help for his addiction. It feels like a break through"

End this now, or you'll be back here in six months doing the whole "What do I do, he's taken coke again?" and everyone will (again) say "Leave him" and you'll say "But I LOVE him!"

You say you're an intelligent woman. Show us that's true and do something intelligent for the first time since discovering he's a cokehead and END IT.

inshockrightnow · 24/08/2018 08:46

He really is something else. It's taken you to get to breaking point for him to do something. Please don't waste any more time on him. He is incredibly deceptive and, clearly, manipulative.

I hope you love yourself enough to walk and not look back.

Beaverhausen · 24/08/2018 08:54

Leave while you can OP, although you have an emotional attachment it is clear your DH has no intention of changing. You are going to be lumbered with all his debts, he is a grown man and has made these decisions without considering you.

Have you ever considered that leaving him might be a good thing for him as it will give him a good swift of a kick up the arse. Also I understand that you might be worried that you will be alone again for a long while before meeting someone a lot more stable in every way. But surely that it would be worth it rather than having your whole life and credit rating ruined by a selfish individual.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2018 08:55

He is telling you still what you want to hear. Its all an act and you were actively and deliberately targeted by him. He saw your lonelineness and low self worth and honed in on all that by love bombing you. I also think that you have confused love here with codependency.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship and here you have done both. What you have tried has not worked and has simply put your own self into a financial mire. All this man has done is drag you and your DD down with him. She certainly needs to learn far better lessons on relationships than what she has been taught to date.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Thinking about that as well may well explain how you got to the low point you are now in too. Love your own self for a change.

fieryginger · 24/08/2018 09:10

Drug addiction, sexting another woman, debt - you know he is no good. You deserve so much more than this. This man will make you unhappy, can you see yourself old with someone who, potentially, will give you decades of misery?

I don't know how old you are, but get out whilst you're young, we only live once - don't give your life to this man and his self inflicted problems.