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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can this ever work?

118 replies

Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 18:23

Hi

I need some advice as I can’t speak to my family or even friends about this.

I’m newly married to a drug addict (cocaine). I knew about this shortly before marrying him and he promised me he was a changed man. We worked out a way to pay off his debts (bank loan) and decided the past was the past and we could put it behind him. He promised to get help for the drugs. However I’ve since discovered that he has actually relapsed and taken some coke. While stressing about this I checked his phone (I know I was wrong to do this) and found some sexts to a female friend of his (before wedding but it was while he was with me). He (and her) have both denied it’s gone any further than the messages and I do believe this. In addition to this it’s also come out that he has been borrowing money off a friend and owes a large amount (he lied to them about what he needed it for). My head is telling me to run for the hills and this is never going to work, my heart is telling me I have to try and help him. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:43

It’s £18k. I can just about pay it if he goes but it will leave me with nothing each month.

It’s so hard reading all of this, he’s all of the things you said. Is it really possible it was all an act? I feel such a fool, I thought he loved me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:44

He’s not cheated though. I called the number, she hasn’t slept with him while we’ve been together (she didn’t know about me though).

OP posts:
twilightsaga · 22/08/2018 20:45

@Hantswife well done to you strong lady. I'm in the same boat and echo how much better life is when you get rid of them

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:48

The thing is my life wasn’t better before him. I had no self confidence, I sat in the house every night on my own and was in a real gloomy place. He made me feel alive again. It’s only 2 months since I found out, for the first 10 months everything was perfect.

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 22/08/2018 20:50

I don't want to sound harsh, OP, but when you love someone do you :

Cheat on them
Lie to them
Expect them to take on a huge amount of debt because "your credit is bad"
Conceal a class A drug addiction from them
Put their child at risk - by which I mean both the risk of day to day life with a drug addict, as well as the financial risk to their home and standard of living from a large debt.

18k is a vast debt - that's the lion's share of a deposit on a house for your daughter. Or her living expenses for three years at uni. That's a tutor to help with her exams AND her first car, with some left over for a massive holiday. Why the fuck would he expect you to spend that on him and not her?

DianaT1969 · 22/08/2018 20:51

You can't fix him. Leave and look out for yourself. He's old enough to make his own choices.

RabbitsAreTasty · 22/08/2018 20:51

Speak to your family today. You don't want to tell them because they will make real what you already know and don't want to accept. Tell them.

You effectively took out a bank loan to pay for cocaine. Every time you can't afford something for your daughter remember that you spunked the money on cocaine. Don't fancy it up pretending you spent it on his debt. His debt was for cocaine. You paid it. He didn't. You took a bank loan for cocaine. Did you tell the bank or did you lie?

With this great job he holds down why can't he pay for the latest cocaine bought on credit? Why would he burden you with that debt instead of leaving it with his mate or instead of paying it off himself?

He couldn't manage alone? He might kill himself? Really? Well, maybe, he is a drug addict. Then again he is clearly a conman so most likely he will find another single mother with cash to spare for his habit on exchange for meaningless words. He's already been lining them up, right?

Come on, have a word with yourself, tell everyone he's an addict, tell everyone not to lend him money, stop spending your daughter's inheritance / uni fees / holidays / new clothes money on cocaine.

RabbitsAreTasty · 22/08/2018 20:54

He targetted you because of your low confidence. Get angry and get rid before he steals more from you and your child.

Your confidence won't grow while you are with him. It will only get worse. Getting rid is the first step to becoming a stronger more confident you.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:58

The debt was on credit cards. He had used them to live as historically he had spent his money on coke. He said as soon as he met me he cut down drastically, it became more of a recreational thing than feeding his addiction. He’s stopped and started a few times, I believe he honestly thinks he can stop. The problem is, I don’t know if he can stop. I don’t think he’s lining up the next one. The sexts were to a girl he’s known for years and used to be in a relationship with. By the sounds of it she was chasing him and he’s not told her to stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 20:59

I told the bank the money was for the wedding. It did pay for this too, albeit we did that VERY cheaply so it wasn’t much of it.

OP posts:
Rosetintedglass · 22/08/2018 21:00

is it really possible that it was all an act?

It was not an act that is the sad thing addicts like narcs are both good at convincing others they are something they are not because they believe their own lies.

Thats why they are so convincing.

He truely believes that if you loved him you will put up with his shit because he is the centre of your world. Unfortunately he is also the centre of his own world right now and incapable of truely loving you or seeing what he is doing to you untill he gets clean.

In the meantime you have a daughter to think about who as others have said did not choose this.

Corcra · 22/08/2018 21:04

Does he have a supportive family? He needs to ask them for support, so this is not all on you. You also need RL support. Addicts love secrets. Talk to someone you trust and find the strength to look after yourself. You’re enabling him.
Talk to a money advice bureau (there should be a free local one).

AdaColeman · 22/08/2018 21:05

Don't worry about the debt at the moment, debt charities such as Stepchange will help you renegotiate it to make it more manageable.

It's more important to start detaching yourself from this man via legal means, so please see a solicitor.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 21:06

I wouldn’t say his family are supportive. They’re close but not like I am with mine. It always feels a bit strained between them all. I actually think they’re all cut from the same cloth so to speak. All of them appear to have their own issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 21:09

Why is life so complicated. 12 months ago I didn’t know anybody who took drugs. Now I live with and I’m married to an addict. I’m struggling with the thought he’s conned me. Until tonight I didn’t feel like that. I truly believed he loved me but had his demons. He’s going to be home soon and I don’t know what to do. I am not sure telling him tonight is a good idea. Do I wait and get DD our first? Do a see a solicitor first? How on Earth have I ended up in this mess

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 22/08/2018 21:13

See a solicitor first and then get a plan in place.
Take care of yourself and your DD, you can do this. Thanks

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 21:16

Thank you all so much. There are good people out there who care about strangers. It is extremely reassuring.

I’m being selfish I know. I’ve loved having this handsome charismatic boyfriend/husband. For once in my life I had somebody I wanted to show off. I’ve never had that before. I’m worried about what people will think seeing my marriage end after a couple of weeks. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do Sad

OP posts:
WishIwasanastronaut · 22/08/2018 21:16

He wants me to help him pay off his other debt. I have agreed to this but not actually done it. Don't do this, whatever you do! This would be a very bad decision.

If I throw him out I don’t know if he can survive. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened. He points out I knew he was an addict when I married him, I promised I’d help him no matter what. I know I sound like a bitch but addicts always play the guilt trip; they are so good at it, they deserve a bloody Oscar. He's playing you.

Get out as soon as you can.

So sorry. I have also been on my own for ages and just posted about my own situation. I so know how you feel. Hugs.

snowbear66 · 22/08/2018 21:17

I think the fact he has a good job that he’s holding down is giving you a false sense of security, but if he ran up large debts despite his income he must be using a lot of cocaine,
It’s too much of a risk to take with your child’s future.

PineappleLava · 22/08/2018 21:24

Do not tell him anything and do not pay off his other debt.
For what it’s worth, I agree with what other posters have said and would say go and get legal advice ASAP to see where you stand.
My advice would ultimately be cut your losses and fucking leg it, as fast as you can.

Original poster
Vodkamademedoit · 22/08/2018 21:32

His other debt is from a friend who he’s lied to. I guess the fear is they find out what he’s done so we planned to pay it off. I was concerned that what he’s done counts as fraud and he’d end up in trouble with the law.

OP posts:
MrsSteptoe · 22/08/2018 21:34

I’m being selfish I know. I’ve loved having this handsome charismatic boyfriend/husband. For once in my life I had somebody I wanted to show off. I’ve never had that before. I’m worried about what people will think seeing my marriage end after a couple of weeks. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do
I found that a really sad paragraph, OP. I'm so sorry. I know you're going to mourn the loss of what you feel your DH gave you -- and, at the risk of perhaps misunderstanding you, it sounds like you felt you "looked" better with him and you're mourning the loss of that image of yourself. Maybe I'm wrong on that, I don't know, but please don't let what other people think about your marriage ending so quickly affect your decision. You have to be able to look back at your decisions, not next week but in the years to come, and feel proud of them, and if you stay with him partly out of fear of what people will think, I fear you'll regret it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

RabbitsAreTasty · 22/08/2018 21:35

See a solicitor and Al-anon (or the narc version) before you let him know you have rumbled him.

If you can get any money or assets out of him whatsoever please do so.

You say you don't think he's lining anyone else up but let's face it, within a year he had found you, got you to give him £18k and had staked a claim on 50% of your assets. I quite sure he won't be sleeping on the streets a year from now. You'll still be paying off his cocaine bill though won't you?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/08/2018 21:38

I'm with everyone else on this. You need to get rid and for chrissakes don't pay any more of his debts. You'd be mad to do so. If it helps, just remind yourself that every penny he gets to spend on drugs is more likely to kill the stupid bastard.

RabbitsAreTasty · 22/08/2018 21:39

Other people don't actually give a toss. Anyway, own it, be angry about it.

People will have more respect for you if you have an air of "What the fuck! You would not believe what I found out about him right after we were married! Lying cheating bastard."