Can this ever work?

[Vodkamademedoit]

Hi

I need some advice as I can’t speak to my family or even friends about this.

I’m newly married to a drug addict (cocaine). I knew about this shortly before marrying him and he promised me he was a changed man. We worked out a way to pay off his debts (bank loan) and decided the past was the past and we could put it behind him. He promised to get help for the drugs. However I’ve since discovered that he has actually relapsed and taken some coke. While stressing about this I checked his phone (I know I was wrong to do this) and found some sexts to a female friend of his (before wedding but it was while he was with me). He (and her) have both denied it’s gone any further than the messages and I do believe this. In addition to this it’s also come out that he has been borrowing money off a friend and owes a large amount (he lied to them about what he needed it for). My head is telling me to run for the hills and this is never going to work, my heart is telling me I have to try and help him. What would you do?

Adding my voice to agree with everyone else.

If you were my friend, I would want you to tell me and i'd support you in getting out. I wouldn't be able to support you in staying - it would destroy everyone.

If you weren't married and he was a guy you'd been seeing for a few weeks would you continue? Of course you wouldn't - there'd be no future in it and you know that you'd expect/deserve better. You should have higher expectations of someone you are married to, not lower.

And again, if you had not discovered that he was using coke (I doubt he relapsed, the great probability is that he never stopped) he'd have just kept on going. He has not had a breakthrough, he's telling you what you want to hear.

The only future there is with this man is bankruptcy and homelessness. Putting his man and your desire for a relationship with him has cost your child her financial security (because you borrowed £18k for him and you are married, when the bailiffs come, unless you can show receipts that you bought what is in that house, they can take it).

You have to start putting your child first and get away from this man.

@ShatnersWig no beating around the bush there!

But I agree with every word he says, OP.

@Fairylights Nope. I'm afraid sometimes to really get through to people I find being blunt often gives a better wake up call. It all sounded positive until her last update which sounded like she might be weakening. I was partly restrained for me. She knowing brought a cokehead into her daughter's life, which I think is pretty disgraceful.

The good times are good, very good....

Its the contrast with the bad times that's partly what makes the good times seems so great. The roller coaster ride of drama and emotions.

Tough love, Shatners. Tough love.

Vodka many years ago, under a different name, I went through a devastating time with something I really couldn't talk to anyone in real life about for reasons I can't even to allude to here.

The unanimous and unequivocal suport I recieved on here from people who didn't know me, and so could advise objectively, made what I must do so much clearer.

They were right.

ShatnersWig is bang on.

He’s played you from the start and is continuing to do so.

As I said, best bet is to formally seperate and if he’s serious about changing, let him prove himself over time before you start dating him again.

You’re gambling with your child’s future on this man.

He has lied to you. He has lied to the friend he borrowed money off. He has cheated on you by sexting. It doesn't matter whether they took it further or not - he was supposedly with you, planning to get married to you, and he was sexting another woman. He has made promises to you and broken them.

The best way you can help him is to leave him and let him face up to the consequences of his actions, not enable him to continue.

You took out an £18k loan in your own name to pay the debt of a drug addict who you’d known less than a year, while being the parent to a child who you’re responsible for? He saw you coming a mile away didn’t he.

The sex messages were prior to us getting married, he’s not done that since.

So you had an open relationship before marriage that you just closed and made monogamous on your wedding day? Cos if that’s true he’s done nothing wrong re the sexting, but that doesn’t change the rest of it. And if that’s not true, why the hell are you making excuses for him? You don’t actually think it’s forgivable because it was technically before the wedding do you? Were you keeping your options open and flirting and sexting with other men right up until your wedding day?

I am just astounded by this. If you stay with this man a moment longer I dearly hope your poor child has some other adults looking out for her. Your decision making skills and judgment about who to let into your and her life and boundaries is appealing. I genuinely think you need therapy to figure out how the hell you allowed this situation to happen.

Damaging your daughter’s financial future to pay a drug addict back for the money he blew on coke. Unbelievable.

OP I don't think anyone else has mentioned this, sorry if they have.

How old is your daughter? Quite aside from her financial future, can you imagine how you'll feel if social services find out that you are prioritising the needs of your cocaine-addicted husband over your child?

Drugs addiction brings undesirable people into your life, what if the next person he owes money to decides that a 'visit' to your house will encourage him to pay it back? The veneer of good looks and respectability won't protect him from someone who wants to give him a couple of black eyes or put your windows through or smash your car up because he owes drug money.

Think of your daughter.

My head is telling me to run for the hills
Well then listen to your HEAD!!!!

This is not the man to influence your DD upbringing.
Hell no!

You've had some harsh words here.
Sometime you have to be cruel to be kind.

But stop being a doormat.
This, cheating, addict, who is crap with money is NOT your saviour!
YOU are your saviour.
Now save yourself and your poor DD from a life of shite!

Vodka Take a step back and look at the events of the last couple of days with a clear mind and your rose tinted specs off. Because they are a wonderful example of how cleverly your husband manipulates you, keeps you lapping up his lies, and tightens those chains of emotional blackmail he has captured you in.

He would have sensed that you were perhaps a little cool towards him, your behaviour not quite so loving, or maybe you were silent rather than chatty. His self preservation kicked in, and he launched into the script that he knows you want to hear, that he knows will put you back where you belong.....under his control.

He hasn't had a rebirth or renewal, there won't be any new type of therapy. The tales of childhood trauma are to tug at your heartstrings, he has had a year to get to know you so he knows when to play the sympathy card to keep you funding his coke addiction.

Addicts are all good liars, they have to be, to keep those supporting them and their addiction on side. Start seeing his lies for what they are, a way of controlling and manipulating you. If you don't break free from him, his lies will destroy your life and your little daughter's life, and that is not a lie.

I feel very sorry for you, you are clearly so desperate for a man, any man, that you will put up with an addict, cheat and a thief ! You must have zero confidence and self esteem.
He has played you from the start and while I can see on some level why you would have fallen for it I cannot for the life of me see why you would fall for it again. Its like and addicts playbook
He will bleed you dry and when you have nothing else to give more onto his next target/victim.
He can sense you are pulling away, that is the only reason he has suggested "getting help"
Just as he could sense your desperation.
Even if you want to hang in there, get seperated to secure your house and for gods sake don't pay off anymore of his debts !!!

Last night he actually broached the subject of getting him some help for his addiction. It feels like a break through, he’s always said in the past that he thought it was down tonothet things that have happened in his past.

ITS A MIRACLE. How amazing that he should 'suddenly' have this insight when you've found out about his sexting, and he's worried his money supply is drying up

Your daughter is your future. Your husband is not.

You have to choose between them. It really is that serious.

Remember the longer you stay with him the more rights he has to take a share of your assets even if they are in your name and you bought them before him. If you act quickly enough you might be able to get some of the debt back onto him.

If you initiate divorce within a year and cite his drug use you are more likely to get away less financially damaged. So your daughter will have a better future.

Get yourself to a solicitor for advice as soon as possible.

Stop thinking "What would this course of action do to him?". Start thinking "What would this course of action do to DD's future?"

You are stronger than you think. You have been a successful single parent with a property, a job, a good kid, etc. You can do it.

You are crying for what might have been. Those very intense relationships that you can't live without are not real, they are born from neediness. Solid relationships are often a bit boring, sorting out everyday stuff, not that you can't have fun and magic moments but that Elizabeth Taylor/richard burton madness is not healthy.
While he is using drugs he is not available to you, and using you too.
If he stops today, gets rid of all drugs, doesn't start using alcohol or something else instead, goes to na regularly and reliably, you get help as well, it may stand a chance. Likely he will relapse sooner or later, lie, get into debt.... go into it with eyes open and bail out at the first sign of trouble.
Probably better to just walk now and get the heartbreak over before your child is affected too. Sorry op, its brutal but addiction is a deteriorating and ultimately fatal illness, no cure only can be managed at great cost. Best wishes

AND if he was a decent person he would honour his debt and clean up his act even if you leave, and only then present himself as a suitable partner.

Please take all this advice OP. You've only been together for a year. Try to imagine attempting to get out after 5 years or 10 years. Can you honestly see a rosy future for you both?
Its gonna hurt like hell, you will feel guilty, devastated and lots of other awful emotions but you will get over it and move on. If you stay with him its just years of misery ahead.