Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

@Wintersnow17 it sucks. And I am fortunate is many ways. The house was mine before ex came on to the scene. So he has little 'right' property wise
He sees the kids eow and has no contact in between. So I have very little contact with him. So life just goes along as normal most of the time

But you are right it is the unfairness. It wasnt what we wanted or ever envisaged. I really did think we would always be together (I guess everyone does). But even in the difficult times. I always loved him. And what we had together. I never wanted to not have that.

But there is no going back. No matter how sad the future looks to me. And in time we will all move on. I hold onto. That but not right now. But further down the line There will be someone else. Look at crab. Setting an example to us all. 😀 Although I can't envisage trusting anyone again or loving anyone like I loved him. Maybe that was my mistake. I made him and the kids my everything.

On the positive side the nature of eow at least when we do meet someone else there will be organised childcare so no excuses to not go out or get away for few child free days. ( as I say it I don't see it as a positive)

That's the one thing I keep clinging onto, that we will all move on eventually. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and that one day I will be able to look back and understand why all of this has happened. None of us chose this situation, but I definitely believe it when people say that we will come out of it much stronger than we went in!

Wintersnow17 it still seems surreal to me too and I'm just over a year down the line. I still reach out for him at night sometimes, or expect him to phone me at lunchtime like he used to :( To just be replaced is soul destroying!

Karma will come, but it usually comes when you don't care anymore x

Eve34 that's rubbish he said that to you. It just feels like salt in the wound at that point. Well done for not rising to the bait.
Lovely that you will be taking DS to Harry Potter world.
DH is still moping around feeling sorry for himself and saying how he has hit rock bottom and is all alone now. But the thing is, he's chosen that. He found living with me and the kids irritating and overwhelming well then that's the alternative.
I don't know if he's actually hit rock bottom, we'll see.
Winter Very true we didn't choose this but I also think things happen for a reason .
That's so lovely you like the song already pinksalmon!
I find evenings the hardest, when I want to cuddle and he's not there. But actually this week we've had minimal contact and it's better so I'm going to try and keep it like this.

Eve I know - trying to see positives in things that wouldn't normally be. I'm enjoying being with friends and seeing people more than before and actually feeling more like ' myself' than when I was with him but unfortunately I still do miss the 'us' that was. That's another thing - because we haven't chosen it we're still stuck getting through. They moved on long ago . I m not in the place to but I think meeting someone like crab has would help. Pink - yes it's being replaced ( as well as the betrayal) . I try not to think of them together because it kills me . The fact that we're all here shows how hard it is . Hugs all X X

Morning all, and winter there’s a few differences for me that probably makes my situation easier than the one many of you are facing- firstly my ex didn’t/hasn’t got a replacement for me and started happy families right under my nose. That must be soul destroying. My personal feeling is that doing this is very wrong if there are dc involved. I don’t think kids should be exposed to that soon after having the unit that is their parents ripped apart (in their eyes) I won’t be introducing my son to anyone for probably years- not as my new partner, as a friend is obviously different.

Having your parents separate at any age really must be so traumatic- but then seeing them with someone new so soon sends the wrong signals about love, commitment and relationships in general. Every situation is different and that’s just my opinion so not trying to preach but I just don’t think it’s right.

Another difference is that Ive had some physical space from the her and the family home- being there through this and having to just carry on would have made it much much harder to move on from that chapter in my life.

And then another difference is my date chased me- I sent messages to a few women and tbh was getting nowhere and was feeling pretty down about it all when she popped and started chatting. And lastly the narc/npd thing was an awakening to the person I was trying to love- my ex was simply toxic and abusive and knowing how ingrained and permanent this effects her made it almost simple- she was never the person I thought she was. How I got it so wrong I’ll never know, and I don’t think I’ll ever really trust myself again, not like I did anyway. But that helps me never look back. Dunno if all that helps anyone but it hopefully explains my situation a bit. I know on the long term I will be “replaced” by a younger, probably richer person and perhaps things will hit me in a different way then. Hugs all.

And eve and sprite just wanna send extra hugs to you for the having to deal with your exes doing such u-turns. Your hearts must be all over the place having to deal with watching them start new relationships and then coming out with all these feelings of regret. Cake and eat it looks like to me.....

Morning all.

Sat feeling sorry for myself this morning. Need to go back to no contact. Hanging on to things said and reading a hundred different meanings into it.

I know there is no going back. To much has happened hate this feeling. Wish I could just switch it off now.

I'm right there with you Eve :( Been for breakfast with a friend to try and distract myself as I know ex and ow are going on holiday for two weeks today. My friend said that nobody would think any less of me if I decided to try again with him, but I 100% know it could never work no matter how much I wanted it to. A massive part of me would love to have him back and put my family back together, but the logical part of me knows it would never ever work. There has been way too much damage for me to ever trust again.

The less contact I have the better I generally am mentally, so no contact is definitely the way to go if you can manage it. Sending lots of love x

I can't imagine this pain but my friend is going through similar and I said @Whatdyknow - first step is stop calling him your OH. He's not yours anymore. By not choosing you and cutting off contact, he has chosen OW. Stop expecting him to be there for you when he is the CAUSE of your pain!

Hello all, I'm hoping this is an ok thread to post on. I think I've reached the end of the road with DH, after 17 years together, but slightly less than 2 years married.

It's been an utterly shit three years, and looking back, all the warning signs were there that things were only heading one way - we should never have got married. It's a classic case of drifting apart, complicated a little by his becoming depressed over the last two years and an inappropriate friendship/EA on his side. I'm just so sad and lonely, I can't bear it, and in the last few weeks have just run out of energy for it completely. It's a horrible feeling, and I need to gather the courage to talk to him and tell him it's over.

He will be blindsided by it, I know he will, despite the fact we barely talk, hardly sleep in the same bed (he goes to bed at 9ish, I come up at midnight, then he gets up and sleeps on the sofa mainly), and both of us are visibly miserable. Any tips for gathering the life-force to open up a conversation? When he is engaged enough to have a conversation I don't feel able to rock the boat.

Sorry - haven't posted for a while but have been reading and keeping up with people's stories. You are all amazingly strong and inspirational.

Have had meeting with solicitor today before the first collaborative meeting with ex and his solicitor on Monday and I am now having some serious doubts about whether I can do this. I want to do what is best for the kids and for us to be able to co-parent well but right now I so hurt and angry. I have survived the 5 weeks since he left by emotionally and physically distancing myself from him and the idea of seeing him on Monday is just awful. I haven't really stopped crying since I got back from my meeting - I think I have just realised this is real and happening and there is never going to be any going back,

It seems so soon. My solicitor reckons the sooner the better as we have more chance of ending up able to communicate in the future if we don't have time to put too much distance between us before facing each other but I don't know. I don't want to do this.

I'm also scared about my future and feel that he is going to skip off with his huge salary and new relationship. Sorry -very self pitying post. I need to buck up and get on with it I know.

Hi discdrive I remember meeting ex at a similar stage, about a month in to discuss childcare and finding it hard to keep it all in, when I’d been having a breakdown only a few days earlier. It’s awful I know. But just try and stick to what needs saying for the immediate future. If his solicitor is there it should be pretty formal at least.

Having said that, your solicitor has said you should do this now- is that truly is your best interest or more his? If you don’t feel you are ready or the time is not right for this meeting then wait a few weeks.

You will have to see him through, just know that the contact will get easier, for me just aiming for neutral was a good starting point but I wasn’t making eye contact for a long time. Try not to feel scared, although it’s an easy thing to say, just focus on the day to day. because you will get stronger. Hug x

discdrive I remember that feeling so well. It is unimaginably awful to be sat across the table from someone you used to love and trust immeasurably, now hating each other and feeling like they're just trying to screw you over.
Good advice from lonelycrab, do it when you're ready and try to treat it as a business transaction. Easier said than done.
I left my second mediation session absolutely sobbing to the point the mediator was worried about me getting back.
We had stupidly drove together in the same car.
lonelycrab thank you for your kibd words. DH's "confession" has certainly thrown a spanner in the works.
But by maintaining some emotional space and trying to see this "pause" as thinking space for me just as much as him. I am hoping my time with a therapist will help me to figure out if I even want to be with him or could go back to trusting him.
Eve34 and pinksalmon I'm in awe that you seem to have so much certainty.
I wish I had that but at the same time I'm happy to have this breathing space.
Girls are away this weekend with their dad and I'm trying to make the most of my time alone.

Enjoying science welcome to the thread. Glad you found us as that first bit is the hardest.
I would suggest telling him in advance that you need to talk. Try to stay calm and not attacking.
Lay out the reasons you have come to this decision. Expect him to go through shock and grief before he can begin to understand what you've said.
Good luck. It will all turn out in the end.
This sounds strange but I actually think my situation, as big a shock it was, has happened for the best.

Thank you so much sprites - that’s good advice and I will try to follow it. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest right now - it’s the worst feeling.

enjoyingscience I can imagine that must feel awful. You will gain some relief after you speak to him though so remember that.
It's a bit weird coaching you though it because I was on the other end and I'm telling you what I wish he'd done.

Instead, he blurted it out during a fight then strung me along for months thinking I could "fix" things when in actual fact he was having an affair and had already decided to leave.
But in your case it sounds much more mutual and once he gets over the initial shock I'm sure he will see it as for the best as well.

I wanted to come back to something Eve34 and wintersnow said -that our exes moving on and finding a replacement constitutes "having it all."
The sad thing is that even if they do remarry, have a good wage, etc. what they don't have is an ability to appreciate it. Because they will always be searching for the "new, exciting thing" to make them happy.

And how sad and pathetic is that?!

Thank you @spritesobright - I needed reminding of that. You are absolutely right - I may be left with a very different life to the one I expected but I will appreciate it. And I had the financially well off life long enough for me to realise it isn't the be all and end all and it doesn't necessarily make you happy. The major turning point seems to be when you stop caring what your ex is up to and how they are doing - nowhere near there yet but something to aim for!

Thank you @Lonelycrab too for your advice. I think it's always helpful to hear others have been through the same hurdles and come out the other side. I have been priding myself on 'coping' and 'doing so well' and I think I need to accept for a while that I am not OK and that that's normal!

The phone company have messed up transferring the account and today my internet has been cut off and my phone number changed so will have a fun day of trying to sort that out whilst also working. The kids are going to be so cross!

Good morning all.

Had another rubbish sleep last night but not feeling so sad.

@pinksalmon2001 it is a rubbish feeling. Just want my life the way it was but got to face up to the new reality. That sucks knowing they are off on lovely holiday. But we know how difficult these men are to live with long term. My ex isnt any prize.

@enjoyingscience sorry you have found yourself in a this situation. I hope the talk can go as well as expected. I can only say from my experience. Although we were both unhappy. I hadn't given up on working it out. Ex thought we would be friends and has found it really hard that I have cut him off completely

@diskdrive don't be rushed Into anything. I didn't have a divorce to handle. So don't know about the complexities. But just do what you need to do for you. Good luck with the phone company.

@spritesobright I'm glad I come as cross as being certain. I'm not. I would do anything to not be in this position. But know there is no changing. Hope you have a restful weekend and have some peace.

Hope everyone has some nice plans for the weekend.

Eve34 I think what I meant is that you've been so strong in cutting unnecessary contact with ex and that emotional connection. You seem to know the right path for your situation and you stick to it no matter how difficult it is. I admire you, and always appreciate your sound and thougtful insights.

Winter I absolutely sympathise with the lifestyle/money thing.
I was thrilled when exdh started hauling in a huge salary, particularly as I grew up quite poor.
But now I look back and it all seems so superficial. The worst we fought was over renovations and I have to admit I really wanted a nicer house than our peers.

Now I think I'd trade it all for a happy husband and intact family. But he probably would have had the breakdown anyways, who knows.

Sorry, I said winter and I meant discdrive. I blame my phone.
There are a lot of miserable rich people out there, not that money doesn't help with the everyday stress.

Hello all, Eve you said you felt sorry for yourself. Funny I bet we all do the same - but there are good reasons to feel sorry for ourselves. I don't think anyone who has not been through this has any idea at all of the level of destruction and trauma caused by it. It takes 2 years for recovery to kick in and that's after just a breakdown of relationship let alone affairs and OW being involved. We feel guilty for feeling sorry for ourselves but we shouldn't, we're having to deal with all kinds of crap that people normally do as a couple. Its the hardest thing ever. I've had a rubbish week, I can go to sleep but wake up early. House move is imminent and I've got to communicate with him as well as organising house . Constant stress. Disk drive and all newcomers welcome sorry you find yourselves here. I cried constantly at the start. I still find it hard to get through a conversation with him without crying so it's just normal im afraid. I can't help thinking of all the good times we had. I have to go through all the things that irritated me about him to bring it back into perspective. Go at your own pace- that's hard though when others are pressing for responses isn't it. I've found that myself . It becomes a game of cat and mouse. Just feeling down because of house. Hoping that no contact after its all sorted helps X X

Winter great post x

Hi all

Sorry for not posting much lately. I keep meaning to and then i seem to blink and there’s more posts and I lose my place again!

I’ve been feeling so low lately - best way to describe it is “out of sorts”. Just struggling to cope with the day to day reality of ex having ow and her kids and how my kids are going to have to be part of this “blended family” that I know I will never be able to handle. As they’re older then perhaps it may not be like that as much as it would be if they were a lot younger but either way, it just doesn’t seem fair.

Plus I just can’t see how I can move on when I will always have to have some level of communication with ex due to kids. But it does help keeping it brief.

But something always seems to happen that just floors me again. Like today, my youngest left his glasses round exes and he said he was popping round to get them (it’s within walking distance) - I said fine and to be back in 45 mins as I was making dinner.

He went and it got to just before 45 mins so i texted and asked if he was on his way to which he said “yes - dad just wanted to go round park”

So obviously that puzzled me as he’s a bit old for the swings (both ex and youngest) so when he came home I asked him what they were doing at the park. But no sooner had I said it then it hit me - and he confirmed it. He just said “Dad wanted to see as she was round there”. It shocked me a bit and I couldn’t think of what to say so just said “Ah I see - her kids were there ?” And he said yes and said they’re quite young. I asked if he was ok with it and he said yes, and he then asked me if I was ok with it too - I just smiled and said that wasn’t important and what mattered to me was if he was fine with it.

I can’t lie - I can’t say I’m ok with it as I never will be, ever. But I hope I did enough to make him realise that he shouldn’t feel bad and as long as he’s comfortable with it then that’s what matters.

So.... the start of them becoming more integrated I feel. Ex has always seemed to have this idealistic view of having everything in its own compartment (ie his kids, ow, her kids/family etc) but I know that I’d be foolish to think it will work that way in the future.

So I just have to live with it and learn to handle it - but every mention of ow and my kids just feels like a stab in my heart - I know that sounds melodramatic but it is. She’s welcome to him, more than welcome in fact but not to my kids.

I just hate him for forcing me to have to accept this. I know I’m not perfect and our marriage was in trouble before ow appeared but I don’t deserve this.

Also just to rub salt in the wound I got a letter this week saying our divorce would be heard in court on 26th August and the decree nisi produced, then six weeks after that he can apply for the decree absolute.

So looks like in a matter of weeks my marriage will be over, probably just around the one year anniversary of him telling me he wanted to separate. And him moving onto his perfect life and hiding from all the pain. One thing that still smarts is how he’s never even bothered with my parents - they’ve been in his life for 30 years and he’s never so much has sent them a birthday card since we separated. It’s as if they don’t exist - but in fairness I probably speak to his own parents more than he does still so perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised.

This whole process has brought home how cowardly and selfish he has become.

Sorry for the rant - just needed to get it all out as otherwise I feared I would end up messaging him.

Hugs all x

Moscow72 I completely get where you're coming from. I hate the ow being anywhere near my kids. He's still living here, they haven't had chance to deal with us splitting up and first chance he gets he's pushing them to meet her and her dc.

I was away with a friend for a night, and the following morning he decided to go play happy families with her and my dcs. On my oldests birthday weekend, she refused to go so he just left her at home alone, without me even there to support her. My 10 year old chose to go, I suspect just to make him happy as she still cries every night and begs me not to split up with him. My 3 yo was horrendous that afternoon, tantrums for 4 hours, so even he's affected by it.

This is massively outing, but past caring now. I had to work on dc3 1st birthday. I was home by 4, was there for his birthday tea. Ex has never let me forget it. I'm self employed so have some flexibility but had a meeting I couldn't miss or rearrange. He even brought it up at marriage counselling. The fact that dc3 wouldn't even remember is apparently irrelevant. Today is dc1 12th birthday. At 7.30 he left to spend the night with his gf. The hippocracy astounds me. When I pointed it out, I was told it was only the first few birthdays we both had to be present for the whole 24 hours.

Sorry to rant but I'm so fucking angry with him. I just feel like I'm being written out of his history. I'm an annoyance that is getting in the way of his happy new life.