Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

@Bookvan reality is biting him hard now. Stay calm. And just direct him to your solicitor if he is being an arse. Now he is shitting himself that this set up isn't going to last.

Look after yourself. And stay safe.

Eve and mammy, yes I'm safe. He's away drinking and (I think) introducing the gf to his family. So that's nice. His car is still here, so despite our agreement not to bring anyone to the house, I suspect she's been here.
Oh well. Not letting him get to me. Having a chilled out afternoon watching movies with the dcs.

bookvan and mammy, wow! Look at you go. Feeling proud of you both too.
I know what you mean about wondering how long the resilient and resourceful me will last before I get tired and depressed. Sometimes it's just all so exhausting. One day at a time.
I just spent a weekend camping witg the girls which was brilliant especially as DH always hated camping.
I keep thinking I want to see him when we're apart but when I do he's so grumpy and moody. I think I'm just lonely, but not necessarily for him.

lonelycrab great to hear the update on your date. Very jealous here. How long did you wait before dating?

bookvan I am rofl at your dh's suggestion of custody/living arrangements where he is out 5/6 nights a week and you're watching the kids. Just beggars belief.
They seem to get increasingly irrational and iratw when faced with the logical consequences of their behaviour. Because you popped their bubble.
How he ever thought you would go on supporting him while he shagged another woman is incredible.
I'm still dealing with the uncertainty of not divorcing dh yet but feeling increasingly satisfied with the separation and not having to live with him right now.

spritesobright how's your d's doing now?

yes, he's living this amazing life, getting laid regularly, not paying for living costs, I'm gonna have a struggle to get him out. But he knows me, he knows I don't take shit lying down but I think it's come as a surprise that the hard ass bitch side of me is working against him.
Although he's thrown me tonight, posting pics of him kissing his gf online where he knew I'd see them. It's revenge for the solicitors letter. I know that, but fucking hell, it's a low blow.

So the new resilient me texted a friend and we're having a night out so I've got something look forward to, I got on tinder and have been chatting to a very hot 32 yr old who seems keen to meet. Not sure it's a great idea but it's a distraction

Hello everyone old and new

I haven’t posted for a while as I’ve just been feeling so down and defeated by it all, that I haven’t even wanted to read the thread if that makes sense? But having a very quick skim I can see others were also in a similar place - so sorry everyone is going through this sh*t.

I’ve been outwardly keeping busy, meeting people but I just feel so overwhelmed by it all again. Sometimes I look at what is to come and just think that I can’t do it. The kids are also finding things hard atm and my eldest is going on about his dad and how much he prefers him to me, his holiday was better etc etc. I know he is only 6 but god it still hurts. Sometimes I just feel so alone and with so much stuff to do etc that my head will explode. Tried to enforce some boundaries around the home with ex, of course he then got nasty, lots of stuff about how this is his house m, he will come when he likes etc etc. He the didn’t bring the kids back as arranged when they were coming back from holiday, but sent a text to say he was keeping them until the evening and then turned his phone off.

Sorry for the self absorbed rant. I hope others are doing ok tonight. I need to get my mojo back somehow!

@Bookvan Block him on all social media. It is hard to break the habit. But once you do life is easier for you. He wants a reaction. Don't let him get one.

Ex blocked me because I unfriendly him. Best thing he ever did. Ow has open profile. But it is only me who gets hurt and upset. So I don't go looking anymore.

@Ilovecrumpets sorry to hear you are struggling. And that was a low blow from your ex to keep the children and turn his phone off.

When or why do these people turn into such arseholes. Both my children came back telling me they don't want to see ex anymore. I need to actually sit down and talk to him. Although bearing in mind he hasn't replied to my texts. I'm not sure it will go well.

bookvan wow, most people at least have the decency to try and hide evidence of their sleazy, disgusting affairs and your dh wants to post it on social media? It really does show up his self-centredness and lack of shame and social awareness. Just know that other people are looking at him and thinking, "what a total fuckwit." Sorry about the language.

My DDs are good, thanks for asking. I took them camping at the weekend and am having them for a long stretch right now (2 weeks) with no overnights at their Dad's so it's been good spending lots of time together. Highlight of my camping weekend was lying in the hammock with DD2 asleep on me and staring up at the trees swaying in the canopy. I caught myself thinking, "I feel really happy right now." I try to hold to those moments.

And hello crumpets I'm sorry you've been feeling down. It really does take it out of you doesn't it? The relentlessness of it all. But well done getting back on here and rallying again.

My DDs do the exact same thing comparing my house to their Dad's unfavourably. Apparently his is better because it's new (to them), he gives them sugary cereals and let's them stay up late for movie nights .
But when it comes to emotional support and constancy they know it's me who provides that.

Eve34 that's a difficult situation as well when your children don't want to see your ex. I can't remember how old yours are but at a certain age they can make their own minds up, can't they. I hope your talk with him goes reasonably well. It's so hard.

DH and I have to have another finance talk tonight. I'm dreading it, of course. The problem is that he earns all the money and I'm sure will want to cut back some of my expenses, which I resent because he can afford to support two households easily. But of course I will also be able to make do and it will be good to have some certainty around finances in place so I don't keep having to ask him for money and potentially be turned down.

The worst bit is, an hour after posting his picture, he told our 11 year old dd she could have Instagram. So the first thing she'd see is a pic of her dad kissing a woman she likes to pretend doesn't exist. I obviously told her she couldn't, but again I'm the mean parent.

Good luck with the conversation tonight. It'll be good to get it sorted so you know where you stand. I really need to do the same but as we're ignoring each other, it'll be tricky.

Evening all, and crumps it’s good to hear from you- sorry to hear it sounds like youre having a rough time. It’s unfair of him to be testing your boundaries in such a way- technically it may still be partly his house but he should respect you as your own person and not his other half anymore. Try not to let what your eldest says get to you- I had a load of questions from my ds (6 too) about money and who is rich and who isn’t in the months post our split and it was obvious what was being put to him- because I’m not a high flyer I’m worthless... but this is a long old road and kids that age will only see what is in front of them to an extent. In the bigger picture I know they will understand who was really there for them. Please rant away and keep getting those feelings out.

sprite glad you enjoyed the camping- did some too this summer and all my troubles seemed to melt away seeing him nod off curled up in the tent in the beautiful forest. I’m back to eow until I move so it’s a long fortnight until his next visit. Am just (stiiilllll!) waiting to exchange but will be 100% ready to go once that happens. Btw it was 7 months almost to the day my first date. Just enjoying the feeling of someone actually being nice to me which I realise I haven’t had in years now. So taking it day by day....

bookvan it sounds like you’re really in the eye of the storm. Hope you coping ok- you sound very strong I will say. Posting stuff like that online is pretty childish I think. And certainly not good for your dd to have to stomach. Not exactly thinking of how it might effect her deep down at all. Hugs all xx

Thanks bookvan the finance talk is now done and seemed ok but then I made the mistake of trying to talk about our relationship and how he would need to put some serious effort in to make it work since I've now agreed to wait to file for divorce. But he's still "working on himself" so can't even try to reconnect. I started crying and just felt so pathetic.

I'm probably not ready to date so instead I've booked myself a theatre ticket for Saturday night.

bookvan I just don't understand why your ex wants his daughter to see him kissing another woman!?!

That's wrong on so many levels!

Lonelycrab thanks for the update. 7 months sounds reasonable. The truth is I would be a crap date right now as I'm not over my ex. Wish I was. It's awful that your ex badmouthed you like that to your ds. How petty and cruel that is.

Lovely that you also have happy memories of camping. I got my first sleeping-pill free night of sleep camping months ago.
Good night all! Sleep well.

Lonelycrab hope the exchange goes through soon! I remember that anxious feeling, waiting, and then the intensity of packing everything up in a rush.

DH mentioned selling the house again last night and while he's talking about it as a future consideration I am still dreading that possibility. More incentive to seriously overhaul our expenses and try to live within our means while supporting two households.

He suggested I go back to work full time but failed to think about how that would work while I'm a single parent still dealing with the fallout of the situation and two anxious little girls who need lots of extra emotional support.
He's not thinking clearly so I guess I will have to continue to be the calm, rational one. Sigh.

Hi crab good to hear from you, it sounds like you are still moving into a better space and sprites good to hear you had some happy moments this holiday. I know how you feel about the house and finances. I’ve had to go up to full time and have to admit I’m really struggling with juggling everything.

Ex continues to ignore anyone boundaries I try to put in place - turned up at the house early this morning. Safe in the knowledge I guess that there isn’t much I can do, other than get into a nasty fight.

I might struggling at the moment - everyone keeps saying how in a year or two everything will be so much better but I really find it hard to see how. I look ahead and I will be poorer, in a much smaller place, struggling financially and still having to deal with ex plus seeing my children much less. I feel so trapped by him, trapped where we are so he can see the kids but where I can’t really build decent life - sometimes I have this overwhelming urge just to run away from it all. Obviously I never would leave the kids, but sometimes I just want to forget all of this. I’ve had quite a lot of difficult times over the years and I just want a break.

Having said all that I obviously continue to put a positive face on and have started running again. Also managed to listen to music again whilst running - I haven’t been able to listen to any music since the split I just find it too painful. I haven’t been running since this time last year - going back over the route reminded ken just how deeply unhappy I was then and how awful ex was - I used to run crying basically. And at least I’m not there anymore! Last song that came on though was Winner takes it all by ABBA ( I love a bit of cheese on occasion) which seems pretty apt for where I am right now. Hoowfullynin a few weeks i will be more in vibe with dancing queen.

Hugs to everyone

I love. So pleased to hear you are running again.

I look at the future and to be honest it is the same as your. I'm ok whilst ex pays towards the kids. But once they come of age and I loose his money and benefits I'm screwed. I try not to think that far. (Even though time goes very quickly). I know I can work more hours. Charge the kids rent. Or rent out rooms or worst case situation stop paying into my pension. So I know I have options. For now I can pay the bills and give the kids the quality of life I want for them.

Funnily enough. Kids have ABBA cd in car at the moment and I have to skip winner takes it all. I loved that song not so much now. But beginning to be able to listen to more stuff now.

Hi eve yes the running is good and helps me switch off my mind and sleep a bit better to. It was actually another Mum who got be started again - 3 of us (1 other single parent) go for a run and then a chat once a week and it’s inspired me to start again on my own.

The music thing is funny isn’t it - I really find it so difficult to listen as music really is exes thing so a big part of our life. I guess it shows I’m not ready to face it all just yet.

The thing that gets to me is because of where we live I won’t be able to give the kids the quality of life I wanted for them once we have to sell the house. And that is really hard to face. Even losing the ability to continue part time ( which I do know I was lucky to be able to do in the first place) when I’d worked really hard to get to a position that financially I could do that has now gone.

Hope everything is OK with everyone else and everyone can find some positives each day

Ilovecrumpets well done on getting back out there to run. I need to do the same, I did really well earlier in the year but it all went to pot over the summer as I had no childcare apart from work days.

Emotionally I seem to be in exactly the same place as you at the moment :( My ex left just over a year ago (3rd Sept) and so many people said to me a year ago that this time next year everything will be do much better. Well here we are a year later and honestly there isn't a lot that is better tbh! My ex took his ow to a family wedding on Friday, a wedding that I was invited to originally and I saw a video of ow dancing with my mil earlier. Him and ow are going on a 2 week holiday on Thursday. I just feel gutted and replaced like I never even existed. When we had our 9 year old I took redundancy from my well paid job, and I've always worked shitty part time minimum wage jobs since then so that I could work around my ex while he built his business up. Now I'm stuck in 99% of the time bringing our children up alone on 1/2 the income we had as a family, while my ex is swanning around with his skank living the high life. I just don't understand how you can spend 12 years making a family and life with someone and just walk away from it like if never existed! My ex still owns half of our house too and seems to think that gives him the right to dictate what I do in it.

Eve I'm the same with music too. The Greatest Showman is literally the only soundtrack I can listen to so I play that repeatedly!

lonelycrab well done for getting back out there and dating. I'm so far away from that place emotionally, I can't imagine ever trusting anyone again to be honest. I hope the house sale continues to go through smoothly so that you can move closer to your 50/50 time with ds.

Sorry anyone else that I missed. I read this thread everyday but struggle to keep up. I'm starting the freedom programme on Friday and I'm terrified about what that is going to drag up emotionally, but at the same time I'm hoping it is going to help me to face the reality of how badly my ex treated me, and help me to move on as I feel so stuck atm. I know there is no going back but a lot of the time I feel like I would do anything in the world to put my family back together :(

@pinksalmon2001 sorry to hear you are struggling. There is no magic wand. It is Just going to take time. Be that a year. Or three years. The betrayal is the worst. I cut contact with anyone linked to ex. I don't want to know he is doing ok thanks. Although have slowly built up some contact with mil as he wasn't maintaining the relationship with them and the children.

I hope the freedom programme gives you some skills to deal with your feelings.

You will never understand because you aren't a selfish arse who walks away from your children. I would of done anything to put my family right. But there is no dignity in that.

Be kind to yourself you will get more meh about it.

Gloria Gaynor I will survive... tuuune!!!

eve I know what you mean about that ABBA song. But really you are the winner in this- you have your dignity intact. You are being a strong role model for your kids. You have a functioning set of emotions and you always had the best interests of your family at the front of your mind.

You were betrayed by someone who did none of these things. So it’s clear to me who has it all, and who’s messed up.

crumps congrats on the running! It really is good for the soul in these hard times. I’ve been getting right back into my mountain biking and it’s given me such a lift. My date is a keen runner and we’ve been following each other on Strava (tracking app) and spurning each other on. Endorphins are the body’s feel good drug! Nothing like a soak in the bath with aching muscles.

pinksalmon sorry to hear you’re still in a bit of a rut after all this time. Letting go of the family unit we all hoped and dreamed for is so very tough. I hope the freedom programme helps with some closure for you. My counsellor really helped, I was a quivering wreck when I started but by the end, although far from being healed completely, I had a measure of the person I was trying in vain to love, and also an idea of why I got myself into that position in the first place. I will also have trouble truly opening up to someone ever again, but my date has had a similar experience and has been single for two years trying to get a sense of self back as she was really badly hurt. So there’s many others out there on the same boat, and going on a date doesn’t mean anything more than just enjoying yourself in some good company. If you’re upfront with where you’re at then you might be surprised who is out there? Like I said before were all gonna be stronger wiser people once we get through this..

Right, am off to look at a couple of houses. The second estate agent I spoke to sounded like a right knob jockey.... they really are a certain breed estate agents... at least some of them. Hugs to everyone xx

Ilovecrumpets I also find myself getting caught up in thinking about where I should be on the 'grief cycle' and whether I'm further or slower along on it than is normal. Especially now that I'm not filing for divorce I don't have the sense of impending 'closure' I used to have.

It helps me to think that everyone adjusts and copes differently. I also have some (newly) single female friends who seem so much happier and more independent now they are divorced and I'm hopeful that could be me someday, if that's the way things turn out.

Looking at our finances the other day did give me a wake up call though and I definitely need to do some budgeting and consolidating. The reality is that we are living off our savings right now and ultimately that will mean a lower settlement in the end and less likelihood of me keeping the house. I'm trying to stay positive though and just live in the moment (whilst planning for the future). Like you said, Eve34 it's easy to feel hopeless about future finances and certainly my pension and salary are a pittance compared to DH's. But there are options.

Funny the discussion on music - I can't listen to love songs (especially radio 2's love songs special where everyone calls in to say how bloody in love they are and how blessed they are, ugh), but I do love empowerment songs. My mantra is Gabrielle's "Rise Again" which I basically listen to on repeat.

Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now I'm ready to rise again
Just look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now I'm ready to rise again

I had to share, I love that song.

Pinksalmon I totally understand the feelings of unfairness about the situation. DH made some really stupid, selfish choices and now I have to live with the outcome! At the same time, I think to myself, at least I'm not a stupid, selfish arse who can't appreciate what I've got and is always chasing after the greener pasture. I think often what motivates this kind of behaviour is a deep unhappiness (certainly on DH's part) and whilst he thought leaving me would get rid of that unhappiness it hasn't, and now he has to deal with the consequences of it.

Of course some people never own up to the consequences of their decisions but I think they lead such selfish, shallow lives that I find it hard to envy their position. I think DH is currently incapable of a deep, committed long term love that takes empathy and compromise. And how sad and pathetic is that?

Sorry that was such a long post and I'm aware I have probably been reading too many self-help books and trying to put a positive spin on everything. Some of my friends have said to me "it's ok to not be ok" and I took that to mean that she felt I was trying to sound overly positive and like everything was fine when it wasn't. And maybe I'm trying to postpone the grief because I really am dreading the depression bit of the 'grief cycle' I keep reading about and conscious that maybe I'm still in denial, thinking everything will be fine. I'm only 3 months in and I'm sure the crash will hit me again. Every time I reach out to him and get rejected it hurts like hell and I think how stupid I've been. But I guess only we can know when our breaking point is.

Afternoon all.

Busy day today for a change. Good everyone is still posting. Think it really helps to share

@Lonelycrab to bloody right. Think the next thread has to have i will survive in the title. Hope the house hunting is fruitful. Even if the estate agent is a bell end. I'm sure his attitude will change once he sees the colour of your money. And Thank you for your kind words. Guess I'm still adjusting. And had curve ball yesterday to deal with.

@pinksalmon2001 you can't rush your emotions and it maybe you won't experience them all. It may just be you get on with what you have been dealt. Just roll with it. And allow yourself to feel sad. It is a grief. And if someone had died you would allow yourself time and space to heal.

@spritesobright Just go with how you feel there are no rules.

So last night ex phones. Asking for his pension cheque it still gets posted to my address. He went on to say he is struggling and a mess and never wanted it to be like this. I kept my cool. Having not really spoke. To him much in the last six months. Said there is no point going over it nothing is going to change and he did what he thought was best. He said he didn't he was running away. So felt like I handled it well. And am a little smug life wasn't greener on the other side. I do think he had some sort of crisis when he lost his job last year and turned to drink. I know we weren't in a good place but I don't think our relationship was the root of his problems and he hasn't managed to run away from what is. I have clearly given it too much head space. So a little flat today but doing ok. Ds birthday on Monday so going to Harry Potter studios this weekend. Kids are very excited.

eve34 sending lots of love, it sounds like you dealt with it perfectly. My ex did similar a couple of weeks ago - he told my 9 year old ds that he really regretted leaving but that it had all gone too far now so there was no going back (no shit twat). It sent my emotions spiralling tbh although I also felt a tiny bit smug that he obviously isn't as happy as I thought he was. It mainly just made me feel sad though, sad that he threw it all away so easily :(

I love Harry Potter studios, we went a couple of years ago. I hope you have a lovely time.

spritesobright I would definitely agree on the deep unhappiness with themselves. A year later my ex doesn't look happy most of the time, in fact he looks pretty miserable most of the time. Instead of facing up to whatever is making them unhappy, it's easier to blame us and run away.

I love that Gabrielle song, my friend sent it to me a few months ago! It made me sob at the time but I put it on my playlist and love it now.

lonelycrab I hope the house viewings went well. It sounds like a very sensible approach to dating, one that I definitely need to adopt once I'm feeling a bit braver!

Thank you @pinksalmon2001 I remember a conversation with some one about ex. Who was busy telling everyone I made him unhappy. That good mental health is a puzzle. Having satisfaction in your work. A secure home. Hopefully few money worries. And loving partner and extended family. And friends. You need the whole puzzle to be content and happy in life.

Ex throw me out of his puzzle. And consequently. Doesn't have relationship with his kids or his family. He has cut contact there. He is renting a room above a shop ( not judging just a step down from the home he worked hard at bringing up to scratch). And is in the shit money wise.

Although I am sure In time him and ow will turn it round because he can't go on like this. But that isn't my concern. As Mn says I just have to try and live my life as well as I can.

He was right on one thing I do have it all. But never wanted this.

Hello all not been on in a while again. Like * crumps I sometimes don't want to read because it reminds me of everything. . I'm generally alright but events hit. House nearly sold so down in the dumps. I read it takes 2 years to begin to feel properley normal again so hang in there everyone. It does get better but then I think you plateau. Then you have good days/weeks then plateau. I'm worried everyone is sick to death of me talking about it so I try not to. You know- it's been a year get over it kind of thing. I still can't get over the gross unfairness of them playing happy families with OW and saying they under stand the difficulties but knowing they haven't a clue what we're going through. Sorry just random thoughts coming out.
Crab - I can't imagine going out with anyone yet. Does it make it easier to cope with ex and what does ex think ( jealous let anything?) X hope everyone's ok X

Eve- that's the bottom line isn't it. We never wanted this. Still surreal after a year . Never thought I'd be in this situation- I'm sure none of us believe it. The thing is he does seem to have it all , his OW, better wage than me, he'll have half the house money and a life he chose . I didn't choose this and that's what eats at you. There's no sign of him not wanting his life or anything ... Yet. Still hoping for sone karma X